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Originally Posted by jennica  You know, when I had Ds it was very traumatic for me. Whenever I talked to my doula after the birth she acted as if she thought the birth was great and she was so happy to be a part of it. All she said were good things about it. It really confused me at that point in time. I was at a stage were I totally blamed myself for everything that happened, and I was relieved that she wasn't mad at me, but confused as to why she would think that there was anything about the birth that was good. It shut down communication about it between us because inside I felt that I must be absolutely crazy to feel traumatized by this birth that Dh and the doula think was not that bad in Dh's case, or was rosey and wonderful in the doulas case. Now I know why that happened, because doulas are trained to portray the birth as good to their client no matter what, unless the client themselves express disapointment. Doulas are supposed to protect the memory and not in any way influence that memory. Or at least, this is what I have read since the birth. I don't know how I feel about this because in one way I can see the point of doulas doing that, but in another way I know how I reacted to that, and it was to just tell myself that I must be crazy, to not trust my feelings that something bad did indeed happen to me, and to just stop discussing the birth with someone who seemed to be remembering it in a very different way than I was. I felt very alone with my thoughts and I would have loved someone to talk it over with back then. I am sure my doula would have done that with me, but due to the way that I believe she was trained to handle a bad birth, that just didn't happen.
I just wonder if trying to create a good memory can be inapropriate under certain circumstances. I can understand that if something goes different than planned and then trying to look on the bright side of the situation, but, if you don't get the birth that you had planned at all and instead you get raped by hospital staff, then I don't think there is any good memory you can create out of that and I also think the intense feelings that stem from that need to be dealt with.
I wonder if more experienced doulas have a found a way to balance this out a little better or handle this situation in a way that will encourage further communication and processing of the birth. However, I do think that doulas who are certified are not trained to do that, and I don't really agree with that aspect of being a doula. I mean, it kind of even angers me when I read things like "our job is to just be a witness" because it implies to me that several things that I would really want out of a doula are out of her scope, which they are, and that is a whole other topic, but in my opinion a doula's job should be more about support and comfort than witnessing traumatic events and then painting rosey pictures about them.
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I am so sorry that this happened to you.
I do believe that a doula's role is, above all else, to mother the mother. That means, to me, to do what the mother needs. The doulas I know would not do what you described.
It is so important to *listen* to the mama, after the birth, too. Every woman needs to process their birth experience, no matter how it went. Every woman should have their feelings and thoughts HONORED, otherwise the pain and suffering cannot go anywhere but fester. Even if your doula or DH doesn't agree with you, they should not degrade your experience. After all, they aren't the one who gave birth, are they?
So much goes into how a woman's birth proceeds, and each one is different.
For me, I had a hospital birth with my 1st DS and a *midwife* (I found out later she went more by the medical model of birth, unfortunately.) While both my baby and I were healthy and okay after the birth, I was definitely not happy with the experience and had a waterbirth with my 2nd DS at a freestanding birth center and had *ALL* the support I would ever need. It was completely different....and empowering and wonderful.
As for being a witness, let me clarify. A good doula empowers mothers and fathers to make the most informed decisions possible before, during and after birth. But, ultimately, they are the parents'/mothers' decisions. And, sometimes, things don't go as planned during the birth process (or postpartum) and that has to be dealt with afterwards. Despite their personal feelings, a doula should be supportive and *listen*. Perhaps if you ask her opinion, she might give it to you, but she should not negate yours. This is what I mean by witness. Just as you hold your baby who is crying and you can't "fix" it 100% of the time, sometimes there are events/emotions that cannot be "fixed" and all you can do is hold someone's hand, or say simple things like, "I'm here." Just holding your crying baby makes all the difference in the world. You are being present for your baby and "witnessing" his/her pain, even though you can't fix it.
I think this is a human factor, unfortunately. And it is good we are discussing this...obviously it needs further discernment.
My best to you and hope you find some peace,
Heather
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I have not found much that addresses this issue, so perhaps I got a little slap-happy/overzealous when I discovered it.
