Older mom and feeling sad

[Brandonsmama]

This seems kind of silly, but I am sooo sad tonight. I am 51 and have a 7 yo ds. I am healthy, not overweight, dress well, and IMHO, look young for my age. But lately, I am getting more people asking if ds is my grandson. I realize, in my head, that many women my age are grandmas. . .but, I just feel sad when this question is asked. I wish I had a child younger, but I had many yrs of infertility, and he is the best blessing of our lives. I wish I could completely identify why I get sad, and I wish I had a reply that didn't sound, well, almost , apologetic. Suggestions??? Insights??? Thanks. My dh is trying to be supportive, but I don't think he truely "gets it".

[siddie]

Hey, there is nothing silly about it! Whoever automatically assumes you are a grandparent is just plain rude! They are probably the same thoughtless people who ask overweight people when the baby is due. Older moms are becoming more common now either because of new infertillity treatments or by choice. I wish I could think of a good comeback for you. I am an older mom too, my ds was born when I was 40 after years of infertility. I am sad when I think that I can't have any others, he brings me such joy. I am sad when I think about not having as much time with my grandchildren. My mom is 78 now and has 4 children, 4 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren. I always wanted a big family. I am so blessed to have my son though, I just have to think about him to remember how fortunate I am. There are some benefits to being an older mom too, like more patience than when I was younger and the ability to focus on parenting, and not having to work. I hope you feel better!

[Piglet68]

there's a thread for older mamas in Finding Your Tribe...

here

[nataliekat]

Don't feel sad. You should be PROUD and HAPPY to have had a healthy baby when you were "older".

When people assume this, you should grin and say "No he's my son!" and enjoy the looks of surprise and embarrassment on their faces.

[Mamaste]

Please do come over to the 40+ tribe thread that Piglet68 posted! Lots of us there to chat with about things like this.

I'm an older mama too, and I hear ya ... oh, do I hear ya. I think comments like this just hit us right in the ol' mortality. While I heartily agree with nataliekat's comeback strategy (and that putting a smile on your face will definitely help put one in your heart), I think it behooves us in this situation to not hide from the fact that these comments can push some ugly things in our faces that we'd rather not think about. That we're "different." That we somehow don't measure up to society's ideal, youthful, all-fertile mother image. That we might (gulp) not have as many years to spend with our children. That hurts to think about.

But in the end ... Would we ever change this decision to have brought another life into the world, our families and our hearts? I don't think most of us would, no matter how awkward we might feel about the timing. There's just no discounting that much love.

[Cajunmomma]

Brandonsmama, I know exactly what you mean! I was 45 when my youngest was born, and I really hate it when people ask me or my husband if she is our first grandchild. I think it has actually made me way too conscious of my age. I rarely thought about my age before, but now I find myself looking into the mirror and wondering where all that time went.

But, you know, I'm trying to see that I actually am old enough to be my littlest one's grandmother (without much problem at all!). And while I think that it is very rude and almost mean of people to constantly remind me of the differences in age between me and the baby, I tell myself that they don't mean it that way.

I think it's a shame that our culture assumes that there is a certain prescribed period of years during which we have to bear our children and then we all give it up. I think that we need to be proud of the fact that our bodies worked perfectly well, thank you, even when a lot of others thought they were too old.

[Brandonsmama]

Thanks to all of you

All your kind words and support have really warmed my heart. I feel better today-and you're right, I could be his grammie. . .but, I'm so very happy to be his ever-lovin mama. I think that mortality is probably the thing that I was responding to with my sadness. But we all have to face that, don't we, and there are no guarantees. So I will ponder my own mortality a little, but next time someone asks if I am his grandma, I will remember just how lucky I am, and smile when I say, "Nope, I'm the mama!!"

[miriam]

I said that once to a friend whom I did not know had twins.

s

Do not worry. My DH is 64 and people ask if he is my dad. I am 49 and our youngest is 11, and people ask if he is my grandson since I have a 22 year old also.

People are not trying to be mean. Go with it. If you had a baby at 44, he is a huge blessing to you.

[Curious]

I thought my mother was old when she had me, at 36. I was 41 when I had Dd.

One of my biggest regrets is that I will not have as much time as my older siblings, with my mother, who I love dearly. She just turned 80, and I know so many 60 year olds with parents not much older than my mom.

People often comment, you get along so well with your mom, and I'd giggle and say, she's my sister!

I'm SOOOO glad she had me! I'm glad I was born to her at any age, rather than to another person who was younger. And life brought Dd to me when life brought Dd to me. I wouldn't change a thing. You sound happy, let it show when those people make their comments.

[Tracy]

brandonsmama...do come over and visit us in the older mom section in Tribes. (link above)


we are a loarge lot...

I had my ds at 43. I'm now 45 and my husband and I go back and forth about a second.

I can't believe it..but we do consider it..then say no..then rethink...

I too have been asked if I'm the grandma.

I was at a party this weekend and one of the moms there became a grandmoter at 36.

When I was 36 I was still dicking around with my career and doing therapy regularly to work out the wreckage of my childhood...

oh, well....we all come here from different places...

check us out in tribes.

we're hot.

[jempd]

This is so timely because I am turning 44 on Thursday! And this is precisely what I've been thinking about.

My ds is two and, just like you, I feel he is the greatest blessing possible and I feel that I am "asking for too much", am being greedy, for wishing I had just a few more years of fertility left than I do. I would love to have one more baby. But it's such a useless thing to wish for--it just isn't to be. I know what you mean, EXACTLY, is all I can say.

[Dakota's Mom]

I am 53. My son just turned 1 year old. Frequent people will say to him, "Are you having fun with granny today." I usually look around and say, "Oh, is his grandmother here, I haven't seen her in a while." It usually makes them think about what they said. Actually I have 7 grandchildren between 17 months and 15 years old. My children range from 12 months to 33 years old.

Don't feel bad about the rude thoughtless comments of others. Enjoy your son.

Kathi

[Jennifer Z]

Ok, I don't really qualify as an older mom since I am only 33, but I have a lot of gray hair for my age. When it's not colored, I occasionally get people who think my mom & I are sisters (mom is 55). (Ironically, when it's dyed, I get carded all the time...just one of those "hard to tell faces" I guess).

Well, right now I really need to dye it again, but when I get those comments I have found that "we waited a long time and went through a lot of heartache waiting for him to join us". Makes them smile and doesn't seem to embarrass them as much. (Went through many years of IF and m/c...so this is a true statement for us). Might work for you too.