SAHM: how much say do you have about how your partner's salary is spent?

[DesertFlower]

DH can be quite controling about money, saying it's "his" money because I don't work (I SAH). I'm just curious to know how it works in other families.

[chataine]

i tell him that he has hired me to clean his house and take care of his kids, so its just as much mine. we don't have a lot but i feel free to get a latte whenever i want but anything really more than that we discuss.

[glorified_rice]

I have as much say or more, actually. I take care of all the finances in addition to all of the other household jobs. We always consult each other about purchases/expenses, etc..., but that kind of mentality would never fly around here. I just wouldn't tolerate it.

[KimProbable]

DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Elfine

DH can be quite controling about money, saying it's "his" money because I don't work (I SAH). I'm just curious to know how it works in other families.

I believe that in any partnership, marital or significant other, the money earned is shared by the whole family.

If one parent works out of the home, and the other stays at home, it is equally both person's money.


My husband works, and I stay at home.
His check is direct deposited into our joint checking account.
I pay all the bills because I'm better at it than he is.
We both hold a debit card and have full access to the checking account.

I have a separate savings account.
His name is not on that account.
He is terrible at saving.
Once he transferred money online from my savings to our checking and spent it (on my birthday).
I was so mad because he spent way too much.
I changed my online access code.
I figure if he wanted to save to get me something for my birthday, he could have saved it from his daily cash commission.
He shouldn't have taking it from our savings.
Sorry, my little rant about that one, but he truly cannot be trusted with the savings.
Oh, I also have an account for my daughters that he cannot touch and a CD so which is also in my name only.

But this is because of our situation, in which he is financially irresponsible.
He thinks if there is money, it needs to be spent.
I think if there is money, it needs to be saved for when/if we don't have enough to pay our bills.
In my opinion, savings should be 'forgotten about' on a daily, weekly, monthly basis so one doesn't become dependent upon the savings.

Anyway, the money, in general is ours, not his, and I manage it.

[*daciaperfect*]

Originally Posted by KimProbable

DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.

This sums up perfectly how things are in our home. Admittingly, I don't like spending much of the money on myself, but thats just because I hate spending money on myself and would rather give it to everyone else around me.

[Onemagicmummy]

our finainces are a little different over here in UK.
each week i get money off the government for the kids called Child Tax Credit and DH gets some from Working Tax Credit. all ow income families get this in differenig amounts depndant on how much you earned the previous year and ho wmuch you are expecte to earn this year.
This money goes to pay for weekly food shopping, GAs, Electric(prepayment) travel costs, treats, etc.
i aslo get some moeny every 4 weeks called Child Benefit. ALL familes get this regardless of income. thsi money pays for treats, big things, clothes, good stuff if we are having a good month if we are havinga bad month it oges on bills, food, etc

DH wages pays the rent, council tax, bills, some food, clothes and shoes the kids need and thats it. there is never anything left for savings.

im the kind of mummy who would rather go with out so her kids can have so i go months in broke shoes, ill fitting clothes, before DH gets annoyed and MAKES me go buy a new coats, shoes, clothes.

at end of day the familys mone is the amilies money, if somethng is NEEDED its gotten if its wanted we see if we can afford it forst.

i would not fo second put up with the "you stayhoime s all teh money is mine" crap. id bill him for my services and see how he likes it. im lucky tho DHis a fab daddy, hubby who loves getting his hands dirty doing stuff

Kiz

[Peppermint Poppies]

Any income that comes into our family, no matter who earned it, belongs to the whole family. There have been periods in our marriage when I have been the only person earning a wage, and currently I am a SAHM while DH earns the wage ... irrespective, the money in our accounts belongs to the whole family, and I feel as comfortable spending it now as when I was the sole earner.

[BetsyS]

My dh gets an allowance.

[dealic]

Well I don't SAH now, but when we do have kids, my SAH will "earn" us not having to pay childcare, so thats quite a chunk of change. We are very communal in our household money. If anything, I have/will have more say, because I pay the bills so I am more aware of where we are. So he asks me if its in the budget to spend X on whatever he wants. Our financial goals are in line though, and we are both savers, who need occasional small treats to remind us why we keep our noses to the grindstone. So we don't really have many disagreements now.

[Gr8ful Momma]

Originally Posted by glorified_rice

I have as much say or more, actually. I take care of all the finances in addition to all of the other household jobs. We always consult each other about purchases/expenses, etc..., but that kind of mentality would never fly around here. I just wouldn't tolerate it.

That's how it works here as well.

[Upside]

Wow Elfine, that's really rough, it's as if he doesn't believe that you have an important job. I feel lucky that my husband always tells me and anyone who will listen that I have the hardest job.

That being said, his paycheck gets deposited into a joint account, which he never uses. I pay the bills and handle all household expenses, groceries, whatever. He transfers his "allowance" into his "pink bowling ball" account. He calls it that because he says if he wants to buy pink bowling balls with that money then that's his right. He always seems to use it to buy gas, lunch, and other normal things though .

We don't have a lot of extra so I'm very conscious of what I spend, much more than when DH paid the bills, and he was quite happy to give that up because he never got them paid on time anyway, out of disorganization. But we don't questions each others purchases under $50 or so and talk about bigger items.

I guess my question for you would be how comfortable are you with your arrangement? Is it working overall, or is it making you resentful? Seems like an issue that won't clear itself up. Just my 2 cents...

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by glorified_rice

I have as much say or more, actually. I take care of all the finances in addition to all of the other household jobs. We always consult each other about purchases/expenses, etc..., but that kind of mentality would never fly around here. I just wouldn't tolerate it.

Originally Posted by KimProbable

DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.

We are like this too. We share bill paying responsibility, but primarily I take care of it and I track our spending and advise my husband how we are doing each month.

Since I know the budget, I feel free to spend money on the things we need and when we can afford it, some things I want. I always consult on big purchases though and my husband does the same.

There have been a few times when in an arguement my husband says he earns the money. I retort with, well, then you owe me x amount for child care. The going rate is x.

Still, the comments bug me a lot for a couple of reasons. 1. They're hurtful and dismiss what I contribute. 2. I worked for many years to save money to supplement his income now so I can SAH. So, I feel like I am still contributing from my paid work days.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Upside

I feel lucky that my husband always tells me and anyone who will listen that I have the hardest job.

Wow. That is really nice of your husband to say that and to say it to other people. My husband made a comment to one of my friends last week that I was on "vacation" as a SAHM.

Sigh.

He's not always like that, but sometimes comments like that seep out. I wonder if he's just trying to be funny?

[earthmama369]

It's our money.

[kkeris]

We have almost equal say. I say almost because in some cases when we agree that I know better whether that expenditure is worthwhile or not (child/household/related), I get to decide and in cases if my DH knows better than I do (like investments and all, which I know nuts about), he gets to decide. Overall, we are usually quite supportive of each other when it coes to things that really matters, so there hasnt really been a time when either of us wants to spend $x on something that the other party wont agree about. Of course it helps that our opinions matter alot to each other too, plus we arent exactly impulsive or careless with our money.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by glorified_rice

but that kind of mentality would never fly around here. I just wouldn't tolerate it.

Originally Posted by KimProbable

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.

I'm curious what you would do if your husband did make a comments like that. I ask only because when I was working and planning to be a SAHM, I said the same kinds of things, that it would be our money and if DH ever said something like that, it just wouldn't fly. I wouldn't put up with that, you know?

But, now a few years into SAH and I've had a few comments that just blew me away. My only retort is, at the very least, I am earning what child care would cost.

I'd like to say something that hopefully would end the comments for good, though.

[zinemama]

I can't imagine my dh making statements like that. It would be a major breaking point and a reason to haul his sorry ass into couple's counseling asap. It's inexcusable.

Dh and I are partners. He knows how hard we both work. Money that comes into the household is ours. Like pp, I actually manage the finances, but we discuss major purchases and come to a decision together.

Holding earning power over a partner's head is more than uncool. It's wrong. Elfine, you need to get on an equal footing with your dh before his attitude becomes the dynamic of your marriage.

[alegna]

Originally Posted by KimProbable

DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.

:

I'm the one that takes care of bills and balancing the checkbook and all that too. So actually on a day to day basis I have a lot more "control" over what's done with the money.

-Angela

[reezley]

DH's money is our money. I don't like to shop and spend money, so he actually complains that I'm not buying enough clothes for the kids to have everything they need. But I have no restrictions - if I need something or want lunch out one day with the kids, then I do it. We consult with each other on all real purchases though. He likes to buy "toys" - like his big new TV - and I "let" him, since I figure if we have enough to do that, it's because he went to school for and worked hard to get the job he has now. When I was working I didn't strive for a huge salary and I do feel lucky that I can be home with the kids now due to his job. I guess I feel like he has *some* extra say on where the money goes... but we have a joint account and he is always telling me to get whatever I need.