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SAHM: how much say do you have about how your partner's salary is spent? - Page 6

post #101 of 119
Thank you Elfine! There was a thread some time ago in TAO that discussed this topic, and it's such a nice thing to be inclusive. If you are talking about your DH, it's your DH, but when asking everyone, it's super nice to be inclusive. Again, thank you.
post #102 of 119
I have a lot of say....


...but I really don't care about that anymore.
post #103 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom View Post
I believe that in any partnership, marital or significant other, the money earned is shared by the whole family.

If one parent works out of the home, and the other stays at home, it is equally both person's money.


My husband works, and I stay at home.
His check is direct deposited into our joint checking account.
I pay all the bills because I'm better at it than he is.
We both hold a debit card and have full access to the checking account.

I have a separate savings account.
His name is not on that account.
He is terrible at saving.

But this is because of our situation, in which he is financially irresponsible.
He thinks if there is money, it needs to be spent.
I think if there is money, it needs to be saved for when/if we don't have enough to pay our bills.
In my opinion, savings should be 'forgotten about' on a daily, weekly, monthly basis so one doesn't become dependent upon the savings.

Anyway, the money, in general is ours, not his, and I manage it.

:


but even letting my hubby have a debit card is dangerous. I especially hate it when he charges stuff and doesnt tell me about it thus causing our checking account to go over.

But back to your question. I remember a lady posting on craigslist about all the stuff she qualifies for as a Domestic Engineer and we would rank earning about $100,000 or so a year because of all the 'jobs' that come with SAH.

His check is your check and together it is your money. Good Luck we have all experienced and/are experiencing it.


post #104 of 119
DH hardly ever knows how much money we have. His paycheck is our paycheck.
I know a few people in your shoes that stay in the relationship, its terrible. I'm glad it sounds like you plan on leaving after your done with Immigration
Good Luck
post #105 of 119
I pay the bills, all the accounts are in my name. I am in charge.
post #106 of 119
DH says we both wear the skirt in this family Seriously tho' I take care of the money. His check is direct deposited and he always asks me how much we have and if he can spend X amount on X thing. We dont have checks and the bank card and all credit cards are in my wallet.

I dont do this to be mean, and we havent really talked about who should be in charge, but as a finance major I just fell right into the leadership roll when we got married
post #107 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by mimid View Post
I pay the bills, all the accounts are in my name. I am in charge.
ditto that. dh has no clue and would be lost without my superior money skills. i try to get him to learn, but he just can't. and he is pretty impulsive, so it helps that ihave my thumb on all accounts, including the business ones... i have all the ccs in a safe in my office, etc. poor guy!
post #108 of 119
I have just as much say in how money is spent. I look at all our financial documents and I track money coming in and money coming out. I know and make our household budget, jointly with my husband, and I make sure I follow it and to some extent I make sure my husband follows it as well (which he usually does).

My husband is usually very responsible about spending and budgeting. I am, too. We discuss finances and we make decisions for the most part equally.

That said, we've had some issues with my husband making comments about the money from his paycheck being "his money" etc. That is usually something he says if we disagree about how to spend the money. A few times, he's tried to hide money or not been as honest about how he spent it, but we're working on that. It is hard to hide money from me because I watch the budget pretty closely and I'm good with finances. But I want there to be more trust and not have to do that!
post #109 of 119
I also make the budget. I am the only one that does the shopping for the house cause DP absolutely LOATHES entering into any stores(unless its toys r us or sams club)
We joke about the money being his, but its just to joke....I am the one who sets out all the bills, pays them and reports every week to DP how much money we have left for his gas.. So we have a pretty even say as far as money. I have all the say as far as how much I spend at the grocery store,casue I do all the cooking...
post #110 of 119
Us too! DH's paycheck is direct deposited & I pay all the bills.

He spends money but never much at a time & if it starts to get low (I make good use of online banking - I can see purchases within minutes, etc) I just tell him - Hey dear! Slow up - you're using it all

But he never complains. Even before we had a child our paychecks both went into the same account & I distributed it from there.

All our money is OUR money!
post #111 of 119
I have a lot of say, because I'm the one who manages the finances. DH isn't great w/ money (neither am I really, but I make it work). However, just because I manage more, it doesn't mean that I'm the one controlling the money - but neither is DH. It's our money, and I think it makes a big difference if you both agree to look at it that way instead of the whole yours and mine thing.
post #112 of 119

A vote for dysfunctionality...

I don't think we are in a Bad Situation as a few of the PPers seem to be, but DH and I are definitely dysfunctional when it comes to money.

Fortunately we are living comfortably within our means, having paid off debt before having children, purchased a home we could afford with 1 paycheck, etc. We are also well covered with benefits, including life insurance for both of us, long-term care policies, and energetic retirement contributions (mine started when I was 16, but haven't been added to in the past couple years due to SAHMing. The interest and dividends keep it growing for me...)

When we married, I bought the book _Couples and Money_ because I wanted us to be on the same financial page and work out a plan for our finances. Well, I tried. I really did. But at some point I just gave up. It was like talking to a wall.

DH sees his paycheck as 'his' money. (I was talking about it as 'our' money, but apparently I was wrong for months before I got corrected.) His paycheck is deposited into his account, and he transfers large chunks into our joint account periodically. (talk about not being on the same page--when I still worked after we married, I just automatically started depositing my entire paycheck into our joint account!) He maintains a separate credit card that he pays for out of 'his' account, as well as some other expenses (cash gifts to family members etc)

I am in charge of spending the money for the home/family, initiating and making big spending decisions (car, remodel house, investment/insurance, etc.) paying the bills monthly, etc. I spend money on myself when I want to. (the main things I buy are clothes when I get a chance to actually go shopping for them, and gifts for friends and family). DH buys nothing really. He isn't into guy toys, occasionally he will order some parts for his bike that he rides to work.

DH 'tracks' the money. He calls it budgeting, but it isn't really, just tracking. Then he makes dire statements about how we have more money going out than coming in, but includes EVERYTHING in the inflow/outflow including 1-time unexpected events (dental work, car purchase) and things that I would consider long-term investments (retirement, home repair/remodeling, college funds). For everyday/maintenance expenses, we are well within our means.

I get occasional comments, such as when I 'wished' I had $5,000 for a new wardrobe like on "What not to Wear" he groused that I already spend that much, which is not in any way true. When I say it would be nice if he could pay the bill when we go out on a date (like he used to when we were 'dating') he says, "Why? It's all coming from the same place". Also he has made comments about how much money I spend on chocolate. ?!?!?!?! (Not Godiva, we're talking Hershey, Cadbury, etc.)

When I try to talk things out and get us on the same page, I usually find out that he is painting an extremely negative picture compared to how our finances really are, and I usually also discover that despite the negativity he is fine with the spending decisions I make (I am quite frugal but I reserve the right to buy nutritious/good food and decent looking clothing)

Now I just ignore him because I think he has a lot of issues/hangups about money, and neither of us have the time or energy to delve into it with the young kidlets sucking up every ounce of life left in us. Still, I sense in myself often the need for his approval for a purchase I want to make. I will delay purchases for extended periods of time because I dread his negativity, purchases that I would have made and thought no more about if I was single... I am trying to monitor this tendency and not let his negativty get to me. I don't think he is trying to control me, just he has his own issues.

Sorry so long, but wanted to weigh in with a non-equality dysfunctional tale.

-dflanag2
post #113 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by dflanag2 View Post
DH sees his paycheck as 'his' money. (I was talking about it as 'our' money, but apparently I was wrong for months before I got corrected.) His paycheck is deposited into his account, and he transfers large chunks into our joint account periodically. (talk about not being on the same page--when I still worked after we married, I just automatically started depositing my entire paycheck into our joint account!) He maintains a separate credit card that he pays for out of 'his' account, as well as some other expenses (cash gifts to family members etc)


I know you said you are doing ok financially and living well within your means. That is important and I think it's great that you're doing that. It sounds like you make good financial decisions so I don't want to second guess you in anyway.

However, what you wrote in the paragraph above would really, really bother me. My husband does think of the money as "his paycheck" sometimes, but it is a joint account. I have complete access to it. Having an "our" account and a "his" account where he deposits his paycheck would make me very, very nervous. I would wonder why that is the arrangement.

I tolerate the comments from my husband here and there to some extent (well, you know, I stick up for myself but I haven't left his a** yet ) but I personally don't think I'd tolerate separate accounts. I know most states are community property and all, but separate accounts sends a very bad message to me...unless there is a good reason that I'm missing here, which could be.

and good luck!


Quote:
DH 'tracks' the money. He calls it budgeting, but it isn't really, just tracking...I get occasional comments
My husband used to track our money and call it budgeting. It wasn't budgeting at all, it was sitting in front a spreadsheet putting in every cent and asking where and why money went to certain things. It got to a very ridiculous point early on (this was many years ago) and I sat him down and said I didn't want to track in that fashion. This was before kids and while I was pulling in good money in a good job. (Hmmm...perhaps that was a warning sign I missed! )

Now, we "budget" or rather I budget in the traditional sense. I look at bill obligations, target a savings point, and finesse the numbers from there, figuring how much is left over for the extras. I like my style better. Tracking is just no fun for anyone and the experts in finance don't really advise it.
post #114 of 119
New on this forum, so posting a few replies...

I'm very lucky-DH sees his paycheck as our money, and consistently reinforces that we BOTH earn it. Most money decisions are made by both of us, or me alone (I have more time to research things). I'd rather have at least a small income of my own, but that probably won't happen for a few years.
post #115 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring Flower View Post



However, what you wrote in the paragraph above would really, really bother me. My husband does think of the money as "his paycheck" sometimes, but it is a joint account. I have complete access to it. Having an "our" account and a "his" account where he deposits his paycheck would make me very, very nervous. I would wonder why that is the arrangement.

I tolerate the comments from my husband here and there to some extent (well, you know, I stick up for myself but I haven't left his a** yet ) but I personally don't think I'd tolerate separate accounts. I know most states are community property and all, but separate accounts sends a very bad message to me...unless there is a good reason that I'm missing here, which could be.

and good luck!

.
Well, we both have multiple separate accounts, retirement, savings, and checking, stuff that we had before marriage that it hasn't occurred to us to change. I think the reason DH's pay is direct deposited to another account is because he just didn't change it when we married. It doesn't bother me or make me nervous at all. But he definitely sees the money he earns as money that HE has earned. I think mostly he is just tactful about the way he thinks about it; he has only called it HIS money in moments of tension/anger/unthinking.

Somewhat OT: When DS was born I was on the ball saying we should get our wills in order in case something happens to one or both of us. My mother recommended an attorney who does estate planning work. I asked DH to call the attorney to get an appointment (he's the one who needed to coordinate with his work schedule, DS and I were more available).

The attorney told DH that he only did trust work, didn't recommend wills, and asked about our situation. DH told him about our age difference of 20+ years, baby, SAHM, etc. etc. and the attorney came back with all of the advantages of setting up a trust and talked about how if DH died he could set up the trust to 'control' his assets after his death so that I wouldn't be able to spend assets on 'future' spouses and 'future' children I may go on to have with them.

This whole idea was appalling to DH. He told me all about it and we didn't know what to think. We both felt so uncomfortable we have no desire to work with the attorney and still don't have a will, 3 years later. I guess the attorney thought that DH was the one interested in setting up the wills, that I am some sort of trophy wife who needs to be controlled from the grave, and that DH had some sort of agenda? Did the attorney not think that I would be involved in this project in some way? Was he going to recommend the same things to 'protect' MY assets if I die first???

The point is that no, I don't think that DH is trying to control or hide money from me, nor control decisions about spending, but he still thinks of it as HIS money, because he is the one who officially earned it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring Flower View Post
:
My husband used to track our money and call it budgeting. It wasn't budgeting at all, it was sitting in front a spreadsheet putting in every cent and asking where and why money went to certain things. It got to a very ridiculous point early on (this was many years ago) and I sat him down and said I didn't want to track in that fashion. This was before kids and while I was pulling in good money in a good job. (Hmmm...perhaps that was a warning sign I missed! )

Now, we "budget" or rather I budget in the traditional sense. I look at bill obligations, target a savings point, and finesse the numbers from there, figuring how much is left over for the extras. I like my style better. Tracking is just no fun for anyone and the experts in finance don't really advise it.
I think DH actually likes to track, and I don't mind if he does it. We are both highly analytical, and I agree that it is good to know where your money is going, and note inconsistencies and ID the reasons for them. Because he doesn't really buy anything, I think he is regularly surprised at how much things really cost. I regularly give him perspective comparisons, that we as a family don't buy nearly as many shoes/DVDs/restaurant meals/stuff as other families. I know that especially in the beginning DH was nervous about being the sole breadwinner and he likes a lot of security, so I think it comforts him to look at where the money went and that there is still enough for us to survive on.

One finance book that recommends close tracking is _Your Money or your Life_ which has been out for a good many years. The book is about figuring out the minimum amount of money that you need to live the lifestyle of your choosing, and adjusting your income to meet that minimum goal so that you have more time to focus on things you would like to spend your time doing.


Oops, another novel.
-dflanag2
post #116 of 119
Another vote for our money. And that is with a DH who really doesn't understand/ respect the work I do at home. When I do go back to teaching once the kids are in school he is in for a big surprise!

We are lucky that we agree on money issues, so I am not sure how he would feel if I were blowing through big buck every month. Occasionally he expresses concern over our budget, but I have never felt that I couldn't buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. We have a joint account, so if either of us needs money we just take it. Actually for a while there DH was asking me for permission to get cash . I think this was mainly because I do all the bills though.
post #117 of 119
I'd say I have the most say. I take care of writing the checks, sending the bills out, buying things needed for the house. He's kinda irrisponsible with money so I have to do it, and I'm pretty sure he's ok with that.

post #118 of 119
His check is direct deposited, I pay all the bills, do the majority of the shopping (all, except for the times when I say, "hey go pick me up the following items at the store..."). Anything not bill or household expense related over about $30 we talk over together.

It is never viewed as his money or my money, it's our money. He is well aware of how the money is spent & where it goes, I'm the one that clicks "pay" on the bill pay screen.

He handles his travel expenses & reimbursements for work. If I ever need something like clothes, or want something like good smelling lotions, etc. he always says I should go for it, and encourages me to do it more often.
post #119 of 119
I'm not sure how I missed this thread!

I have 100% control over it. DP literally writes his entire check over to meet every payday and I take care of everything.

This actually works really, really well for us because DP is self-admittedly terrible with money. Since I've taken over the finances we have come a long ways towards digging out of debt, saving for things we wanted and maintaining a budget. Everyone's lives are MUCH better for it
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