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SAHM: how much say do you have about how your partner's salary is spent? - Page 2

post #21 of 119
I handle all of our finances. I discuss things wtih my husband but ultimately it's my decision as far as what gets paid, when, and if we can afford things. I manage all areas of our home life though, and he takes care of everything outside of it :-)
post #22 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
I can't imagine my dh making statements like that. It would be a major breaking point and a reason to haul his sorry ass into couple's counseling asap. It's inexcusable.



Holding earning power over a partner's head is more than uncool. It's wrong. Elfine, you need to get on an equal footing with your dh before his attitude becomes the dynamic of your marriage.
I'm with you on that!

post #23 of 119
We talk everything over. He is not out on a power trip
post #24 of 119
My DH has never even opened a check. It is so weird and cool, he gets paid in the morning and carries an unopened envelop all day and hands it to me that night. I care for all bills and money but he has a debit card that he can use, but he hates to spend money.
post #25 of 119
Deleted by user.
post #26 of 119
I"m in charge almost 100% since I pay all the bills, do the budget, etc. The only thing he has complete control over are his retirement funds, which he started before we met. I don't know his codes or what's going on w/ them and that's fine w/ me. It's similar w/ my retirement acct, which I now fund out of his paycheck. We do consult on everything else, though, and I would be thrilled if he took it all over tomorrow--he's got an MBA, for cripes sake, and I was a Liberal Arts major!!!

I'm reading the Economides book and I'm going to try their plan of sitting down w/ DH twice a month to go over bills and budget. As it is, he doesn't really have a good idea of inflow/outflow and is sometimes surprised at what has been spent/saved. I'd like us to have more concrete savings goals.
post #27 of 119
Though we both are unemployed and get SSDI, I manage the finances. Our checks are both part of the family income and because we are low income, ALL purchases are talked over. Even lunch or a coffee needs to be approved by at least me, since I have a grip on our money situation. He gets $50 a month to play with, and I *could*, but don't spend money on myself well so I usually just put in it the family pot.
post #28 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring Flower View Post
I'm curious what you would do if your husband did make a comments like that. I ask only because when I was working and planning to be a SAHM, I said the same kinds of things, that it would be our money and if DH ever said something like that, it just wouldn't fly. I wouldn't put up with that, you know?
Off the top of my head...
- Invoice him for all your "services" (cleaning, meal prep, child care, etc.)
- Stop doing anything that isn't for you or the kids. Don't do his laundry, don't cook his food, don't buy any groceries for him, don't set him a place at the table, don't clean up any of his messes, etc.

What I think would really be best is to have an open discussion with him. Let him know that he's being incredibly disrespectful of your work and your position in your family. Tell him how you're feeling. Tell him what you want your relationship to look like and how you'd like money to be handled within your family.

I tend to have problems approaching DH about issues, so I write him letters. That way it's easier to bring things up and I have the time to sort through my thoughts properly. Maybe this could work for you if it's difficult to sit down with your DH.

Big to you. It sounds like your DH really doesn't get it and I hope the two of you can sort things out.
post #29 of 119
I'm not sure my DH knows he earns a salary When we were cohabitating and not married we paid our separate expenses(cell phones, car payments, Etc.) Then divided the household like I paid rent, he paid lights and water. It was almost even. Now I worked in retail and he is in the military. He makes about twice what I do and we share everything. We use his pay for bills and mine for extras(household or otherwise). I have been pretty much laid off now am a SAHPreggo!! He encourages this although it is a hard transition for me. I am in charge of all of the bills and finding a way to make sure things are set up correctly. My DH has no idea what bills we have, where to send them, and how many we actually have, or how much money is coming in each month. When we were not married I was paying his Dr. bills and he had no clue he even owed any!!! We still disagree on some of the expenses, but he knows where I am coming from. My DH is one of those"whatever you think is best honey" type of men. I'd put my foot down!! We are up in arms right mow because the gets an "allowance" of $190 every two weeks. The rest pays for the bills and the stuff that is needed back home. The USMC takes almost $300 per month out of his checks for food in the chow hall and he refuses to eat there!!! I always end up having to send him more money because he "had to buy food." That is almost $400 per month that I never see and he cannot account for which is odd considering that his food and housing needs are met. MEN!! Sometimes you have to stomp on them!!!
post #30 of 119
We have a joint account, the money we earn is "our money" We don't make enough to save, we basically live from paycheck to paycheck and no one is the "boss" of the finances. Major spending decisions are discussed, but both of us do small shopping stuff (i.e. used cds, second hand clothing) independently and freely.

It wouldn't fly with me for a second if DH had an attitude about "his money" and that to me would be grounds for a long discussion, couples counselling or separation. I can't stand greediness and stinginess.
post #31 of 119
We budget. We've agreed on an amount of money that goes into the joint account, to be spent on budgeted-for expenses, so I don't have to ask for money for groceries or bills. Then we each get a personal amount that is "his money" and "my money." There's no guilt or power tripping involved.
post #32 of 119
My dh and I are a team. The work we do (monetarily compensated or not) is a group effort. The fruits of those efforts are shared by the team.
post #33 of 119
he handles the money. i get $100/wk for groceries and "running money", but gas in my car, diapers, etc do not come out of my money. i spend about 50-60wk on groceries and keep the rest for myself for whatever. if i want something bigger for the house or need clothes, i'll have to harrass and cajole and make him buy it. it's not the most ideal situation, but it works ok for us. just having a little money in my pocket that i can do with what i want keeps me from getting overly resentful that he controls the money, and really it's probably better this way so that i don't have to worry about managing the bills in addition to caring for our children and the house.
post #34 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by glorified_rice View Post
I have as much say or more, actually. I take care of all the finances in addition to all of the other household jobs.
This is how we do it too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KimProbable View Post
DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.
This is how we think of it.
post #35 of 119
DH works out of the home - i work in it and manage the money (he is also very fisically irresponsible.. if ther eis money he feels the need to spend spend spend!!)

There is an old saying i say on a mennonite info booklet once, in regards to something about women and income... it said:

He makes it first... i make it last.

Which means - firstly - he MAKES the money... and then the woman manages it making it last. I like that saying
post #36 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by KJoslyn78 View Post
He makes it first... i make it last.
- so true. I like that!
post #37 of 119
Our marriage is a partnership. We have conversations about how family money will be spent.
post #38 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by KJoslyn78 View Post
He makes it first... i make it last.

Which means - firstly - he MAKES the money... and then the woman manages it making it last. I like that saying
I like that.
So true for our household.
post #39 of 119
We have joint checking and savings. I save up for the more expensive things I want (like adding to my babywearing collection) but for the most part I'm free to get whatever. We do a ton of shopping online. I love buying toys for the kids.

I agree with the PPs. Your husband is in the wrong. :
post #40 of 119
Quote:
Originally Posted by KimProbable View Post
DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.
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