help for a client who hates her body and birth?

[conniebonnie]

Hello ladies,
i am a birth doula ( a brand new birth doula, on my first two clients) and i am working with women from a homeless house. I currently have a client who basically, from what i can surmise, is just not comfortable with herself, her body, or the birthing process. As in, we will watch birth videos and she just squeals and covers her eyes, saying over and over "thats the most disgusting thing i have ever seen" an di try to talk to her about how her body is made for this and the birth of her child is a miracle, but she just says "yeah thats gross" She wants to have nothing to do with really bonding with her baby, wants an epidural and basically just wants the birth to be quick and painless while she watches tv. She wants the baby to be bathed and cleaned and fed before she even hold him, and to room alone, with out her baby. I know alot of this is just her personal choice, but i am concerned, because she is young, she has had alot to go through in her pregnancy and with all of these things put together, im just starting to feel like she hates herself and her body- and i am wondering how i can help her, how i can be there for her when she doesn't even want to be there? I am not having a problem with her choices, i am just afraid of what all of them put together could be saying is going on... any help?

[tlcdoula]

Just out of curiousity - is she planning on keeping the baby? Maybe she is in the fence on whether she wants to keep this baby or not but doesn't want to tell you and this might be her way of distancing herself from the entire event. Maybe she has fears about the type of mother she will be and therefore is keeping a distance as well.

From what you have written here I wouldn't guess that she hates her body - sounds like she is afraid of the process and has lots of stuff going on.

[conniebonnie]

she is plannign on keeping the baby, and is excited about the baby, but she really just doesnt want to have anything to do with her birth. i understand her fearing the process, but i have tried to talk with her about it, and all she says, is "i'm fine, i am a littel nervous about something going wrong but other than that im fine... "

[bryonyvaughn]

Does she have a history of sexual abuse?

~BV

[conniebonnie]

not that i know of, i asked and she said no.

[jlpetitte]

I hadn't had much of this either until I started working in the hospital because honestly people with this mindset don't usually choose out-of-hospital birth or doulas. I often have clients in the hospital that want nothing to do with their births-- they want to tune out, feel little to nothing, etc... Many are very happy to have a baby, they just seem to not appreciate or care about the process. Why did she choose a doula? What does she expect you to do?

[onlyboys]

I had a woman in my CBE classes who said much of those same things. She DID choose OOH birth, and I have to say, even with her comments ("Babies are disgusting, and I won't hold mine until he's cleaned up!") she was an AMAZING birthing woman. We were blown away at the way she totally transformed in labor. It was incredible, honestly.

So, there's hope.

[A&L+1]

Sounds more like she can't relate to the process of birth than that she hates her body. How about having her meet with someone else who is a young mother? Maybe this connection, particularly if the other mom has a great birth experience to share, will open this women up to the reality of birth. Are there other women at the homeless house that could help with this?

IME, women from homeless, abuse, violent backgrounds have learned that much of thier survival depends on being able to disconnect mind/body. It is not entirely a bad skill to have. I admit that the ability to dissociate helped me through my natural hospital birth.

[conniebonnie]

Yeah, she is curently living wiht a younger mama ( they all share a house) and she is just reallyl grossed out by the hole process - really shy "i want to wear my underwear while i am in the tub if i can-while i am labordin" and really really young.
i was assigned to her, im not sure she wants me there-you know? but i knwo that if i addressed that with her, she would just say oh of course, that there isnt much i could do to get her real oppinion out- so i just ry to lay back a little and let her come to me when she needs to and be there when and if she wants me.. thanks for all your comments!

[Jane]

I think that, even for a well-informed, body-positive mama, birth and labor involves a big loss of control. Perhaps you can concentrate on things that bring her back into control. Planning - what to wear, where to labor, who to attend, etc. Talk to her beforehand about the fact that it's hard work (even with an epidural), but that she can do it b/c she has done A, B, & C and that you're looking forward to seeing her conquer it. My 2 cents.