Dealing with an usupportive MIL who is a teacher.

[transformed]

My little boy is 4, and I havent decided what to do for school. My heart SCREAMS homeschool but I dont know how I will do it, because I can hardly keep food on the table latley. I have been depressed big time and couldnt even think straight.

I told MIL that I was relived I dont have to sign ds up for kindy before '09. She must have found out differently. (See e-mail)

My MIL is a teacher and has a very different view of "education" than I do. She is very much about acedemics and scores and preperation. I am very unschooling, life learning... Here is an e-mail she sent me, and I hate it hate it hate it. She KNOWS I would like to homeschool and is against it but she is passive agressive and also she needs me to be a homeschooling expert in order to give her answers. I dont have alot of the answers!

I wonder if I could tell her I have a "GREAT" book on education that I would like her to read. (Dumbing us Down)

"Hi, Jenny and (hubby)! I miss Mister (ds)!! What a good time we had! I
went back to school today and since (ds) will be eligible for
kindergarten next year, I asked one of my favorite kindergarten teachers to
give me a copy of the booklet of things kids should know before entering
school. It is very good and I think you and (ds) will enjoy it! I will
send it to you soon. (husband), I hope you are feeling better- please
keep us updated on your condition. Love to you all, (grandma and grandpa)"

I dont know how to confront this issue because I feel like everyone is against me. I am pretty sure my dh doesnt support me and I dont know how this is going to "go down" because he doesnt like to talk about it. :

[Lillian J]

My first thought is that you'll probably be needing to establish good boundaries with your in-laws before too long. Next thought is that it's only going to make it more difficult if you think in terms of jumping right into unschooling talk with them. They don't ever have to hear that word - it's not even part of the issue at this point.

First, you need to find out exactly what the laws are there - every detail. It may just be that the law is on your side but that your m-i-l thinks it would be best for him to start kindergarten as soon as he's eligible rather than as late as it's legal. But, of course, it's not her decision - and you don't need to work it out with her. Instead, you might just work on strengthening your own self-confidence about it on all the levels you can.

An image that came to my mind has to do with the martial art of aikido - in which you don't put your attention on challengers so much as on keeping yourself in a position of being strong and centered. So, ideally, attacks are greatly diminished and can even be discouraged entirely without getting involved with the conflict. I remember one teacher mentioning that mastery isn't even a matter of knowing how to handle an attack in an alley but in being so in tune that you don't even turn down that alley. That's an extreme - I realize that - but it's still a helpful image.

Besides Gatto, look into David Guterson's book - Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense - not to give to her at this point, to but to harvest from for your own articulation when the time comes. He was a teacher when he wrote it; and he had took a lot of flack from colleagues about homeschooling his own children, so it was written in reponse to all that. Very eloquent. She's an enthusiastic teacher - she's not going to be overjoyed about hearing strong negatives such as Gatto offers.

Also browse through some of the articles (most by professional educators and researchers) in my preschool/kindergarten page.

And you can get more ideas from Linda Dobson's book, Homeschooling The Early Years. Getting to know some other homeschoolers at support groups might help too - you might come across a good community of folks.

Good luck! Lillian

[zeldamomma]

What I'm getting from your post is that you have a lot on your plate. For right now, I would just concentrate on getting healthy and dealing with the immediate stuff. You don't need to decide about next year for a LONG time. I wouldn't mention homeschooling to your MIL until you and dh have decided 100% and there's a good reason to tell her.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

What I'm getting from your post is that you have a lot on your plate. For right now, I would just concentrate on getting healthy and dealing with the immediate stuff. You don't need to decide about next year for a LONG time. I wouldn't mention homeschooling to your MIL until you and dh have decided 100% and there's a good reason to tell her.

That's such great advice! Lillian

[cottonwood]

Well, your husband is going to have to talk about it. I mean, unless he wants to leave the decision up to you? I'd just get serious and say, "look we need to figure this out."

I wouldn't address your MIL at all. I'd let her send whatever the heck she wants and just ignore it. It's not like she has any say in the matter. And if it makes her happy to keep sending stuff, whatever. I would only put out the effort of dealing with her if she became threatening. Otherwise... heck, you could even passively-aggressively start sending stuff to her! "I thought that because you're a teacher you might enjoy this" and send her something by that guy who wins those teaching awards, like New York State Teacher of the Year.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds

Otherwise... heck, you could even passively-aggressively start sending stuff to her! "I thought that because you're a teacher you might enjoy this" and send her something by that guy who wins those teaching awards, like New York State Teacher of the Year.

: Thank you - I really needed a good laugh.

-Lillian, taking yet another procrastination break from packing for a move...

[transformed]

I am the luckiest

I am so in love with my dh right now. I mentioned the e-mail to him, which prompted me to go off on a tangent about hs and him to say "Wow, it sounds like you are really conflicted about this school issue." I told him "No, I am not, I want to homeschool but it makes me nervous that you dont and I am going to have to "pick" a school knowing its not right for the kids in my heart." We went back and forth a couple of times and he said "I can end this discussion right now. If you feel called to hs, then I am behind you 100%"

I love my dh. So I am going to still have to deal with MIL but its not really that important because she gets to choose the way she feels. I dont want to convince her that hs is better.

All the concerns he had for me last night like "How do you integrate them back into school if it doesnt work?" we can work out together later.

Now hopefully we dont have a boy and have to talk about circumcision, LOL. (He is AVID about snipping...I am avid about not.) Then we should have smooth sailing for the next 30 years right?

[coldfeet]

Originally Posted by transformed

Now hopefully we dont have a boy and have to talk about circumcision, LOL. (He is AVID about snipping...I am avid about not.) Then we should have smooth sailing for the next 30 years right?

I'm so glad that you found out that your hubby is behind you on this. I have been in many a situation when I felt like I just needed someone on my side. It makes me feel a lot better about my "argument" when I do.

[Lillian J]

:

[cottonwood]

Originally Posted by transformed

she gets to choose the way she feels. I dont want to convince her that hs is better.

This is what has kept extended family harmony in our family. We may not agree with each other, but we live and let live. (For the most part! There are those glitches here and there...)

Now hopefully we dont have a boy and have to talk about circumcision, LOL. (He is AVID about snipping...I am avid about not.)

Ohhh... I hate to say it, but now is the time to have that conversation. Can you imagine being immediately postpartum and being exhausted and emotionally vulnerable and having to argue with your husband about such a huge issue?

Have you checked out the circ forum here? Lots of good advice there.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds

Ohhh... I hate to say it, but now is the time to have that conversation. Can you imagine being immediately postpartum and being exhausted and emotionally vulnerable and having to argue with your husband about such a huge issue?

Have you checked out the circ forum here? Lots of good advice there.

I am going there now. I think we are at a brick wall though so I was just going to keep the baby real close to me for a year-I dont think dh would circ a toddler.

I have to protect my baby!