Judgmental friend becoming more than I can take (vent)

[Hannah's Mom]

DH and I are pretty good friends with a couple. Our dd will be one Sunday and their dd is 5 months. Lately the woman has become so irritating it's becoming difficult for DH and I to be around her. Her dd sleeps through the night, falls asleep on her own, takes several LONG naps each day, etc. She is formula fed (bc of real problems - friend had reduction and bf for a couple of months, was never able to exclusively). Here's the problem. Friend has become quite patronizing about the fact that we are doing things "wrong" (our dd is not sleeping through the night - we cosleep and mostly bf, while we introduced solids at 6 months, dd wasn't really interested until the past month or so and now she eats 3 "meals" of solids a day, but still not a lot. I also think it's bc I work FT out of the home and dd misses me and also used to be somewhat of a reverse cycler - she was sleeping for 7 hour stretches at night until I returned to work when she was 3 months old). "It is bc we don't put her to sleep by herself, let her cry, .

Now my personal feeling is that some kids sleep through the night early and some don't. Certain things you do might influence it one way or another (often formula fed babies sleep longer, etc.), I know exceptions to all of those "rules." And I'm not going to let dd cry it out. Period. And I'm concerned about whether she's getting enough nutrition during the day, so until she's over a year AND eating more solids, I'm not going to try night weaning (not to mention even my very cool ob/gyn thinks the fact that dd nurses through the night has been instrumental in keeping up my supply).

There are a few reasons my feelings are hurt by this friend more than anyone else who says these things. First of all, she's my friend and it's insulting to be judged and I don't judge any of her parenting practices, even the ones I wouldn't choose to do. I'm definitely a live and let live friend (for instance, I have a friend who's into Babywise - not strictly - but otherwise a very loving mom and I figure everyone's got to do what works for them. I don't condemn her for her scheduling and she doesn't condemn me for my sling-wearing, co-sleeping ways). Secondly, I gladly gave her most of my freezer stash of breastmilk when she couldn't produce enough herself and my supply began to tank soon after and I've been killing myself to pump enough for dd but I've never dwelled on the hardship it's caused to us bc I was very happy her little one got some of the wonderful properties of breastmilk. It goes beyond what she says, it's her condescending manner. If it wasn't such a good friend, I wouldn't hesitate to just gradually cut her out of our lives, but before the babies, we all used to have dinner together at least once a week, she and her husband helped us so much with our wedding (she even made delicious gourmet desserts for our rehearsal dinner).

I don't know if I'm just venting or asking for suggestions about what to do to stop her holier-than-thou attitude or whether to do anything at all. DH brought dd over to hang out with her and her dd yesterday and came home very irritated and said he doesn't even know why he goes over there anymore. I feel the same way and used to go over to hang out for an hour or so on Saturday or Sunday. I don't think I've gone over there in several weeks.

[Milkymommy]

This is a really tough situation. The truth is, when my dd was an infant it was just easier to hang out with parents who had simular parenting styles to us. It was relaxing and comfortable not to have to defend my parenting choices.

If she is truly a good friend, you might want to have a heart to heart with her. Put it all out on the line. Let her know that "hey, these are my parenting choices that dh and I have made. If we want advice we will let you know. In the meantime, it's much more enjoyable to hang out with you, when we don't have to feel defensive of our choices."

[gurumama]

ITA w/ Milkymommy.

Lay it on the line. She might not realize that she's annoying--if she's a new mom, it's like being a religious convert, where you think everything you've recently learned is THE WORD.

And if she doesn't back off, slowly weaning her out of your life is the only other recourse, or seeing her without the kids around, maybe?

Good luck,

Mel

[dentente]

You must tell her she is hurting you. She may have no idea how much she is damaging your feelings and your friendship. Tell it like it is and if she still can't change her vocal criticisms then you have to ditch her. Be up front about why you are ditching her. I always feel that is much more grown up than just disappearing.

Good luck. I would have exploded at her by now.

Denny

[Piglet68]

If she's as good a friend as you say she is, you should be able to tell her how you feel. Sit her down and say "you know, it hurts me when you say blah, blah, blah because I don't feel like you're respecting my parenting choices and I am not asking for your advice". If the friendship is worth saving, it will survive that talk. If not, you can either wean her out of your life. Or, if that's too drastic, simply stop telling her any info about your DD. If she asks about the sleeping say "we're happy with the situation now" or something like that.

i think we've all been there!

[Alstrameria]

Hey, everything works well until it doesn't. Our dd slept through the night until she cut her first teeth. She ate her mushy foods well until we switched to a more solid diet and now eats a pretty limited diet.

Breastfeeding went well until I couldn't do it. The thing about having a baby that sleeps *well*, eats well, is happy and adaptable etc., is that it can become hard to identify when those things don't happen for other people.

It's very easy to become pious until you are humbled by something. Your friend may need your support when her baby cuts some teeth and sleep goes out the window. Or she may not. Either way I'd try to cut her some slack due to limited experience, but I'd also try to be frank. When she does say something thoughtless, call her on it and ask her exactly what she means and what she is trying to say with her tone of voice.

Jen

[ebethmom]

That is a really difficult situation! I hate conflict! When my feelings are hurt, my first inclination is to hide and lick my wounds. But that usually just makes it worse.

You probably need to talk to your friend. When I need to have those kinds of "talks," I usually rehearse what I'm going to say. It might go something like "I need to talk to you about something. It really hurts my feelings when you criticize my parenting. I know that we do some things differently, but I have reasons for the way I raise my child. What works for your family might not work for mine."

Good luck! I hope that this works out the way you want it to.

[Hannah's Mom]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Of course you are all right, I need to have a heart-to-heart with her. I think that, despite my knowledge that what we're doing is right for our family, it can be easy for me to second-guess myself when confronted with a baby sleeping long stretches much earlier than dd. I also had time to think about this and realized (with the help of a wise IRL friend) some of her attitude may even stem from unconscious feelings about her inability to BF (which was important to her). You know, a kind of "this is something I AM able to do." Also, DH does complain about DD not sleeping, so it may sound like we're asking for advice. She's not a bad person and I think venting was exactly what I needed to do BEFORE exploding at her so I could talk to her after gaining a bit of perspective.

She might not realize that she's annoying--if she's a new mom, it's like being a religious convert, where you think everything you've recently learned is THE WORD.

gurumama - ain't THAT the truth!!

[merpk]

Agreeing with everything said ...

And remembering a friend of ours, whose first DS is about six months younger than our DS#1, when ours was having loads of "fun" with tantrums ... and how she was horrified, and always "well, we do this, and we do that" and of course that's why their little angel never has tantrums ...

:LOL

When he (her DS) decided to have tantrums, he really got into it . Really. I didn't mean to enjoy it, but a little bit, maybe I did ...

And she's a wonderfully AP mom, so that at least made it dealwithable ... and then made me feel awful when she got it, too.

But your OP is of that really upsetting kind ... always more infuriating when the judgmentalism is coming from "the other side," the so-called mainstream ... IYKWIM.

Tell her how you feel. Maybe she'll get over that feeling of smug superiority. Maybe her DD is learning to wake up at night, too ... (please try hard not to enjoy it when she does ... :LOL)

[chapulina]

I can relate to your situation! my debute into mothering was a 'fire baptism', so to speak (very spirited dd!). Now a good friend has her calm and quiet baby. smooth, natural delivery. no problems bf'ing. haven't heard the darling (baby) cry yet. sleeps all the time, etc.

she had a few critical remarks for me prior to her baby (like dh and I created spirited dd by our "indulgent" parenting, blah, blah); I didn't respond because I thought her baby would change her perspective.

not so. apparently its all coming up roses. I feel a bit lonely in our friendship, and definately misunderstood; and if I'm not careful with my thoughts, even inferior or incompetent. ...dh ,however, thinks we don't know the whole story.

my first impression is that there might be some jealousy on your friend's part?

[PJsmomma]

to the op--it sounds to me like she's doing the compare her baby to yours to make herself feel like she's the better parent.

I have a friend who had her son the same day I had mine--talk about very easy to compare--well my son of course is cuter and smarter --however my son actually did things way earlier than hers did and I never once tooted his horn about that or said things like "oh, he can't do such and such yet huh?"

Recently we went out to eat and the father starts writing on a napkin and puts it in front of my son and says "What number is this?--PJ you don't know?" (in shock and horror) then puts it in front of his son and the baby says "5" then the father says "See PJ ____ knows his numbers"

I almost bit his head off and felt like saying your 2 year old does not "know" his numbers you have drilled him--who's baby rolled over 1st huh?" but of course that wouldn't have accomplished anything

so while I've blabbed on and on here

Maybe it's just them trying to make themselves feel their child is better smarter etc and they want you to know it!

[TiredX2]

I think that a good talk is probably in order, but also...

Maybe you could try and put a more positive "spin" on things. Many of the issues you described (still almost exclusively bfeeding at 11 months, sleeping in your bed, etc..) I see as very positive behaviors. I would be scared to have a baby sleep "too" well, was delighted that both my kids nursed as much as they did, etc... DD (4.5) and DS (22 months) are both in the family bed and we love it. Are you sure what you are doing is right for you? If so, be proud of your choices to your friend. If not, try to change something. I, too, have friends that are very different, but they would *never* suggest CIO or weaning to me--- they know how impt extended bfeeding and family bedding is to me, and how impt to our family.

Good luck,
Kay

[DebraBaker]

She sounds like a follower of Ezzo (Babywise)

These people can become condecending self-righteous prigs.

Hopefully she'll grow out of it but it *is* characteristic of an Ezzoite.

DB