Woot, thanks to those who replied or PMed!
To make a really long, boring story short, my queer biography in bulleted points:
*I grew up in a miserable, conservative environment with a screwed up family that didn't like me very much.
*I had a sorta-gf in high school, a flaming gay "boyfriend," and hung out almost exclusively with gays, lesbians, and bisexuals but was really in denial and had a stereotyped idea of what being lesbian meant and figured since I was geeky and liked flowers I couldn't really be a dyke. I wasn't a cheerleader, but same idea.
*Once I got to college I joined the GLBT group but also met like, the only boy in the history of the universe I could see myself living with AND who also liked girls. We moved in together at 18 and married in our early 20s.
*I realized I was a lesbian at 19 but felt incredible loyalty to dh since he is and was my best friend and the person who saved me from my oppressive family and hometown. So I came out as "bi."
*I had a crisis and came out as lesbian right after we married but it blew up in my face and I got smashed to smithereens by my supposedly "tolerant" liberal family and some ill-chosen "friends."
*Went back in...tried out transgenderism (maybe I like dh because I'm really a gay man in a female body!
: ) decided that was NOT a good idea for me and went
*Biological alarm clock went off, got pg, had dd, didn't discuss this issue at ALL for almost two years, also didn't "DTD" more than a handful of times once I'd conceived.
*Marriage was a tense, miserable mess the whole time we were trying to be "normal."
*Recently came to the realization that I was going to be a miserable, bitchy closet case for the rest of my life unless I just learned how to be OK with being a lesbian and go on with life as such and stop trying to force myself to be a hetero wife.
DH is the very definition of supportive and understanding. I've been totally open with him about every little bump in the road since the day we met. He absolutely supports me no matter what I choose to do and above all else we want to keep things consistent and calm for dd. People might flame me for this but right now we want to keep the marriage intact for coparenting reasons. We still trust each other and there's no rift, and we don't want to move apart since we're students--I'm planning on doing another two years of grad school too--and money is tight. Might as well coexist in the same household to save cash and make life easier for the poor little toddler in the middle of this whole thing. We also don't want the whole "grandparents rights" door to open, since both families are kind of
: But it's going to be a marriage on paper, only, a marriage of friends and coparents, not romantic partners. Someday when life is less chaotic, we'll both date.
If anyone wants to flame me for the marriage thing, whew, I'm glad I'm on MDC because I don't think they allow that here.
I've been clobbered before on this topic.
What I am reaching out for is, stupid as this might sound, someone to tell me that I will live through this, the dust will settle, and I will feel much better. Right now I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I'm relieved that I don't have to keep forcing myself into a role and a life and a set of activities I am very uncomfortable with. I'm excited about the possibilities that lie ahead. I'm planning and making goals and feeling like I am ALIVE again. But OTOH I feel a lot of shame and guilt, some of it related to my upbringing, some related to my prior bad experiences, some just related to me being a person who blames herself for everything. And I am afraid that I will be making life too hard for my daughter--not so much by being lesbian, but by also having the baggage of being "weird" even for a lesbian, having the amicable ex-hetero-partner hanging around and all, etc. And I'm afraid that she'll be lonely because most other families gay or straight won't be like hers, and I'm afraid I'll be lonely and cast out and...bla bla bla insert Morrissey lyrics here.
So that's the long version of the short version I guess. Heh.