I don't want to hijack your thread so I'll try to keep this as short as I can.
After years of wondering, telling myself "well I can't be a lesbian because of xxx or xxx or xxx or xxx", I finally came to the conclusion that since I am attracted to women only (yes I can identify attractiveness in men but it is like seeing a splendid racehorse or an excellent example of a dog breed), only truly enjoy sex in an interactive way with women, etc etc, yes all of the xxx's didn't matter I am a lesbian. Nobody believed me because I had kids. Heh.
Then I met a woman, fell in love, she moved from Ontario to California to live together (I would have preferred to move to Canada but immigration was an issue), we were together for over 4 years. Even when the relationship was rocky, I still found a certain comfort level or satisfaction in that relationship, that had always been lacking with men.
We broke up. I didn't date anyone for a while, then I was sort of dating another woman. One night, after ummmm a lot of drinking lol
: , I had what I thought was a one night stand with a man. The next morning he basically announced that he was my boyfriend. I sort of mentally shrugged and decided what the h*ll. He was well aware that I id'd as a lesbian as I had refused some of his friends and was very open about it. Heck, I have the Labrys tattoo and the tasteful but openly gay bumper sticker.
Very shortly thereafter I became pregnant. I decided to try to maintain this as a viable relationship. After all, I have never been into labels, maybe I was limiting myself-so I told myself.
It is very tense and stressful. It's like expecting a cat to act like a dog or something. Even cats who do act like dogs, are obviously still cats and there are just differences. That is not a matter of labels. If you say your cat IS a dog, it is still a cat.
I applaud you for having the ability and desire to work it out with your husband as you outlined. I think it could work fine, and I don't think it will be impossible for you to find a woman who is not averse to the situation. I wouldn't have any problem with a situation as you described.