S/O: If you let your kids have sex at home..

[boysrus]

Do you tell the parent of their partner? Do you ask them to tell the other parents? Does it happen in the room next to yours? Down the hall? Do you speak to the partners about sexual practices?

[Shann]

I am just entering this phase of my boys' life,so it's interesting timing for this question. I have 2 boys, ages 14 and 12, and the 14 y/o is now expressing an interest in starting his sex life. We are very sex positive in our house, and don't mind if he and his girlfriend (or boyfriend -- although in this case it IS a girlfriend) do it at home. In the case of his girlfriend's family, they are also "sex positive" people and are (happily!) on the same page as we are on the question. So the kids are going to start soon together on "the great adventure." I am happy and excited for both of them! (no flaming for our choices on this, PLEASE, as it won't do any good anyway).
As for your questions, I am not sure that you HAVE to inform the other parents, although I think you should play it on a case-by-case basis. It depends on whether you know the other parents well, how you feel they would react, how open you feel they are about such things.Everything may be ok with the other parents if you don't say anything (it would be with me) but you never know. As for making THEM (the kids) tell the parents, I would say NO to that. As to where in the house you let them do it, well, that's up to you and them, depending on what your (and their) comfort level is. The important thing is to not make them feel ill at ease or inhibited in any way. They need to feel supported and relaxed so that they may explore, learn, and have fun, all of which will be very important to their experience in this. As for whether you should talk to them about sex practices and protection and safety and other things, my opinion is YES, but again it will depend on everyone's comfort zone.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

[barbara73069]

Out from lurkerdom

Interesting post, and although I'm not sure I'd consider myself a sexually positive parent, I do consider myself a realistic practical one. I have 2 girls and never encouraged either one to become active however they both have made that choice and are safe and in committed relationships. My youngest (15 yo) has had her bf overnite here in the past and shes stayed at his house too. It's happened alot more this summer than in the past but both his mom and I accept it and are on the same page. My only concern would be, if the kids are sleeping together at one or the other's houses, I think it's important that the other parent know about it in advance. Some parents may not be comfortable with this and I can see all sorts of problems developing. My daughters bf's mom and I met for lunch and talked this over before they started sleeping together at our houses. I would not have allowed it if she wasn't on the same page. Now if the question is do you tell the other parent when kids become sexually involved, my answer to that would be most likely no. Am i making sense here? lol Maybe i need more sunday morning coffee lol. Barb

[Linda on the move]

My kids are a little younger, so I'm asking a question -- isn't it the job of the other parent to know where their child is and what they are doing? Don't most parents want to know where their child is spending the night and talk to the other parents? Are their really teens who just leave for the night and their parents don't know where they are?

So far our big message about sex is "condoms are what people use when they want to have sex and don't want to have a baby."

[Arduinna]

No haven't talked to the parents, however dd's only boyfriends have been over 18. So IMO the other parents are a non issue at this point.

I am not sure exactly what you mean about speaking to the partners about sexual practices. You mean like specific positions? No. BC yes.

[Oriole]

I wouldn't discuss it with the other parent, because it would not be happening in this house. While we do discuss sex, along with safe sex, we would not be allowing overnight visits, or leaving DSD with her bf alone at home (she doesn't have one yet anyway ).

I don't believe that 14 y.o. (or most high school kids) are ready for it. Statistics say that most kids regret their first time. I didn't, and it is because it was with the right person, at the right time, when I was independent and ready, and in love. Seven years later I am still with the same person. All those things rarely add up at 15, or 16. That's my reasoning behind these decisions. I want her decisions based on maturity, and deep connection with the other person, not based on crazed teenage hormones.

Besides, there is only one way to be sure 100% that you are not pregnant, and that is not to have sex. No condom is 100% safe, I wouldn't put my child at this risk at 15, or 16, or 17. I'm not sure I understand parents that would.

[terrordactyl]

i was 17 the first time i had sex and in no way regretted it so i donot believe that all studies are right some people are ready at 15,16, or 17 in ancient times people starting having sex as young as 12 so i really don't see the problem with being as old as 16

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by Shaina

i was 17 the first time i had sex and in no way regretted it so i donot believe that all studies are right some people are ready at 15,16, or 17 in ancient times people starting having sex as young as 12 so i really don't see the problem with being as old as 16

Many things have happened in the ancient times: from witch hunts, to arranged marriages, to public execusions, and life expectancy of 30 years for women, I'm not sure I would be judging my parenting decisions on that. Kids were not allowed to be kids in the ancient times.

I think most 16 y.o. are not ready to be parents. The most mature and responsible kid will have a much harder time in High School if they have to worry about a baby. I wouldn't want my child faced with parenting while finishing 11th grade. Let them be kids for crying out loud. Having sex - taking a risk to have a baby, is it really worth it at 16?

[talk de jour]

Originally Posted by Oriole

I don't believe that 14 y.o. (or most high school kids) are ready for it. Statistics say that most kids regret their first time. I didn't, and it is because it was with the right person, at the right time, when I was independent and ready, and in love. Seven years later I am still with the same person. All those things rarely add up at 15, or 16. That's my reasoning behind these decisions. I want her decisions based on maturity, and deep connection with the other person, not based on crazed teenage hormones.

I was 14 when I lost my virginity.

I was ready.

And I was in love.

And I was with the person whom I lost it to for four years.

He was my first love, and although we had a horrible breakup (which is honestly still pretty fresh -- showing my age here) I will never, never regret the fact that I had my first time with him at 14.

[griffin2004]

Aside from these other issues, please be sure you are keenly aware of the stat rape and sexual assault laws in your state. Don't rely on "my neighbor's cousin is a lawyer and he said...;" find out for yourself. These laws vary greatly from state to state. Not only could the teens be at risk (remember that young man who got prison time for receiving oral sex from a fellow teen?), you as the facilitating parent could be at risk, too.

I don't care how "sex positive" you are, it ain't gonna be pretty for you or your child if/when the teens' relationship goes south and the other kid's p.o.'ed parent is looking for a way to even the score, either criminally or civilly. And yes, it happens.

[Arduinna]

I don't think the definer of being ready to have a sexual relationship is the readiness to be a parent. Even married people who are hopefully having sex with their spouses may not be ready for parenthood. They shouldn't be expected to abstain from sex until they are ready to parent either.

I was 13 and I choose the time, place and the person who I was not in love with, but I did really like. No regrets. At all.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I don't think the definer of being ready to have a sexual relationship is the readiness to be a parent. Even married people who are hopefully having sex with their spouses may not be ready for parenthood. They shouldn't be expected to abstain from sex until they are ready to parent either.

I was 13 and I choose the time, place and the person who I was not in love with, but I did really like. No regrets. At all.

I guess everyone goes by what they have experienced themselves. I'm in the camp that encourages kids to wait and be kids. I am a romantic, I knew dp for over a year before we were intimate, and I can't imagine it being half as special under any other circumstainces. Every date, every kiss, every time our hands touched was more and more intense.

I certainly know that I wasn't ready at 13 to experience it the way it happened. I woudln't wish anything less for my child, and maybe that's where I am coming from on this issue in addition to all the other risks. I'm sure their bodies are ready, I just don't think their psychological being is ready.

The friends that I have that did it during their teenage years - did it for all the wrong reasons, be it curiousity, or momentary attraction that went away three months later. I am not suggesting that those who are posting on this board couldn't possibly have had the wonderful first time that they say they did, regardless of young age. I'm just saying that these things come much more naturally and with heck of a lot of less complications past a certain age.

I feel that in our culture sex has taken the place of romance, and I don't want that for my child.

[Arduinna]

The thing is, not everyone needs it to be special you know. For me the concept that virginity is something sacred is just foreign. The hymen is not some mystical thing for me. Curiousity is not a wrong reason to have sex IMO. Hopefully that curiousity to do different things is lifelong.

[fek&fuzz]

Oriele,

Just keep in mind that those are you views on sex, and you can communicate them to your children, but it is still your children who will decide when and with whom they have sex. Their bodies belong to them, not you. And they get to decide.

And as Donna Martin said "If you have a swimming pool in the backyard, you can tell your kids not to go in, you can put up fences and gates and lock them, but if you know your kids are going to figure out a way to get in, don't you think you ought to teach them how to swim?"

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

Oriele,

Just keep in mind that those are you views on sex, and you can communicate them to your children, but it is still your children who will decide when and with whom they have sex. Their bodies belong to them, not you. And they get to decide.

And as Donna Martin said "If you have a swimming pool in the backyard, you can tell your kids not to go in, you can put up fences and gates and lock them, but if you know your kids are going to figure out a way to get in, don't you think you ought to teach them how to swim?"

I waited, and it wasn't because of a fence. As I said, I wasn't sure what it would be like, but I knew what I wanted in place before it happened. I certainly would not kick out my child out of the house because of this subject, I am simply saying I would not host a sleepover for my child's bf/gf, and would encourage to look for something more than just curiousity sex.

You are right on the subject that it is their body, but if they are my children I'm sure some of my views on life will hold, and I hope romance will be one of those things that I will pass on to my kids.

As far as "how to swim", we have had a few discussions on protection and what sex is with DSD who is of age to be curious. It wasn't in the context of "when your bf sleeps over", but rather "when you are ready, these are the things you might want to know". Whenever we discuss sex, we also discuss relationships.

[kate3]

I agree with the poster who brought up the issue of age and legal issues. The age of consent in my state is 16, and a 14 yo is not considered to be able to consent, even if they insisted the sex was voluntary.

Also, parents can be prosecuted as accessories to sexaul assault if they knowingly allowed the activity to occur in their home. Even if the other set of parents are in agreement with the relationship in the beginning, if the partnership dissolves (and with young teens this happens a lot) the parents of the heartbroken kid may resort to assault charges as a way of revenge.

I work exclusively with adolescents and this senario happens all the time. No matter how progressive, liberal, sex positive, or open-minded you are, be very careful of the ages of the teens involved. Fourteen is very young, and few states see it as the age of legal consent. Make sure you know the laws in the state you live in.

[talk de jour]

In my state 14 is legal (though 17 is the 'true' age of consent, up to a 20yo can have sex with a 14-16yo)

[MommyTo3]

My dd is almost 17 and her boyfriend is 18. This is the first boy she has ever called her "boyfriend" and I am almost certain they are having sex. She sleeps over at his place and he sleeps over here, although here they always sleep in the non-private open basement area. I have always thought that there is no point in forbidding sleepovers, since they get more privacy if I take my younger kids to the mall for two hours in the daytime, then if they are sleeping here and we are all home.

One night I had to drive my mom home to another state and stay overnight. She stayed with her brothers and the next day told me that BF slept over but they just slept, that they "didn't get to do anything"! (Too much information?)

I feel uncomfortable being a single parent now and dating, while SHE is single and dating. I don't want her to see me sleeping with the guy I just recently started getting close to. Also, I am embarassed when adult friends find out she has sleepovers with her boyfriend, because every single one is shocked. But I can't figure out the advantage in forbidding it, either!

It sounds like the moms on this forum are more like me on this issue than any of the people I actually know. That is a relief.

[Arduinna]

The idea that women ( note these consent laws are more likely to only cover females) are not capable to consenting to sex before 18 ( the age it was in my state when I was growing up) is misogynist.

[griffin2004]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

The idea that women ( note these consent laws are more likely to only cover females) are not capable to consenting to sex before 18 ( the age it was in my state when I was growing up) is misogynist.

Regardless, it's something a parent should know about before facilitating sexual encounters between minors.