S/O: If you let your kids have sex at home.. - Page 6

[loriforeman]

Originally Posted by Gendenwitha

I've never understood this line of reasoning. I mean what adults discuss their sex lives with their parents? How many threads on mdc do you see that are about conflicts between ILs and parents butting in on topics such as religion, baptism, circumcision, vaccination, etc. etc.

Would you say that parents who don't want to tell their parents/ILs about their choice not to vaccinate are not mature enough to be having children? If I don't want to discuss my religion with my parents should I continue to follow their faith instead? Should gays be celibate until they come out of the closet to their parents?

You also don't know what the consequences are for these kids. For one of my friends, she was told she either had to marry him or be kicked out of the house. She married him, he was abusive, and leaving him became all the more complicated because they have a marriage license.

As to what is too young, it depends on the individual, but I would only allow it if it were legal (since my state has relatively reasonable guidelines about what's legal and what's not... in other states I might not have that requirement.)

i've discussed sex with MY mother many times. and my daughter and i discuss sex...positions...partners...likes...dislikes...wh ether she's getting any...

if you're mature enough to make the decisions, you should be able to back them up. if i left my mother's church, i'd have no problem telling her. if i were gay, i'd STILL tell her. it's MY life...i'm an adult, i have a choice to make my decisions...AND the responsibility to take whatever consequences are wrought.

parents have the right to set reasonable limits on their children...i would personally not believe that to be who they'll be with for (hopefully) life. but if those were my only choices, i would have chosen celibacy, at least until i WAS out of his house.

i'm pretty open about sex, but i'm also pretty big on personal accountability. there's not much about sex that i consider taboo...other than adult/child relationships and incest. but if you're slinking in alleyways, you're not old enough, in my opinion.

[Gendenwitha]

Originally Posted by loriforeman

i'm pretty open about sex, but i'm also pretty big on personal accountability. there's not much about sex that i consider taboo...other than adult/child relationships and incest. but if you're slinking in alleyways, you're not old enough, in my opinion.

I would never talk about sex with my father, and when as a married adult with two kids, my disabled mother came to live with us, we were "slinking in alleyways" to give our sex life some privacy. But my point is, as a 30-something woman, who's been married 12 years, you wouldn't tell me I'm not old enough or not taking personal responsibility. At 30-something it's called privacy, but at 16 it's irresponsibility. Really? Even if you take the responsibility to get the birth control pills, condoms, and doctor visits that go along with an active sex life? Why is it as a teen you're not allowed to have a sex-life that's private?

[AlpineMama]

The privacy issue is a good one. I don't see myself as a mother who discusses every last orgasm with her child. I would sort of let it be known that it's a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I would tell them that I wouldn't mind if they were having sex in my house, but I also wouldn't be getting them Kama Sutra massage oils as a birthday present (unless they specifically asked for it). I would give them information, permission, then I'd give them privacy.

[Irish]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

Teaching your kid to be their OWN person is not defined by deciding for them when they are too young for sex.

I agree, but as a parent responsible for my CHILD's well-being, I think it's well within my rights and responsibility to equip her with the tools to make healthy and safe decisions - including hearing the opinions and thoughts of her parents who have a bit more life experience.

I wouldn't let her drive a motorcycle at 13 just because she wanted to and felt ready. When it comes to sex we're not just talking about physical safety either, we're also talking about emotional well-being. I would hope that I'd have taught my DD, by the time she engages in a sexual relationship, that feelings and desires don't always have to be acted upon if they're not in her best interests.

[loriforeman]

Originally Posted by Gendenwitha

I would never talk about sex with my father, and when as a married adult with two kids, my disabled mother came to live with us, we were "slinking in alleyways" to give our sex life some privacy. But my point is, as a 30-something woman, who's been married 12 years, you wouldn't tell me I'm not old enough or not taking personal responsibility. At 30-something it's called privacy, but at 16 it's irresponsibility. Really? Even if you take the responsibility to get the birth control pills, condoms, and doctor visits that go along with an active sex life? Why is it as a teen you're not allowed to have a sex-life that's private?

just because you don't wish an audience for your sex-life, that doesn't mean you wouldn't say "yes, i'm sexually active." it's not the same thing. if i'm HAVING sex, i should be able to own up to it.

even though i discuss sex with my mother and daughter, that doesn't mean i'm banging in front of them, hehe.

i really just think kids have enough on their plates: hormones, physical changes, school, friends...pressures and stresses that they are just learning how to deal with. why throw something more in the mix until they're past that hormonal stage?

i'm not saying to wait for marriage, nor to be celibate forever. just get out of junior high first.

[Gendenwitha]

Originally Posted by loriforeman

just because you don't wish an audience for your sex-life, that doesn't mean you wouldn't say "yes, i'm sexually active." it's not the same thing. if i'm HAVING sex, i should be able to own up to it.

Um, no, I wouldn't say "yes I'm sexually active" to my parents. Even when dh and I were living together I didn't discuss it. My mom was a 32 year old virgin on her wedding night, (yes, I believe her, this is the woman that uses the expression, "H, E, double-toothpicks") I'm just not comfortable discussing any part of my sex life with her, and my father sure as H, E, double-toothpicks didn't want to think about anyone banging his little girl.

And if it's just a statement, why would it come up and where would the conversation go from there? "Mom, I need a new backpack for school, the swim meet is on Thursday, and thought you should know I lost my virginity last night. Do we have any more pop-tarts?"

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by Jörð

My oldest is still only in second grade but I read here, it's coming and I want to know how to deal with it.

Basically, if my daughter was willing to use BC at all times and terminate any pregnancy that occurred before she was an adult, I'd be ok with her being sexually active. In my home even! DH will probably not agree with that.

But what if she agrees to this and just can't go through with an abortion? What then? I can't imagine making someone do that.

Not to get into the taboo abortion debate, but it wasn't until I got pregnant that I understood. You really have no idea how you'll react until it happens, and making a promise like that isn't really something you could enforce if she changed her mind. In my case, I did a complete turnaround from my former beliefs, so I don't think I would be able to ask my dd for that promise, though I'd hope for birth control and some common sense.

[loriforeman]

Originally Posted by Gendenwitha

Um, no, I wouldn't say "yes I'm sexually active" to my parents. Even when dh and I were living together I didn't discuss it. My mom was a 32 year old virgin on her wedding night, (yes, I believe her, this is the woman that uses the expression, "H, E, double-toothpicks") I'm just not comfortable discussing any part of my sex life with her, and my father sure as H, E, double-toothpicks didn't want to think about anyone banging his little girl.

And if it's just a statement, why would it come up and where would the conversation go from there? "Mom, I need a new backpack for school, the swim meet is on Thursday, and thought you should know I lost my virginity last night. Do we have any more pop-tarts?"

hehe...thanks for the chuckle!

in my family, we're really open about such things. if i wanted alone-time with my husband, i would just tell mom that i had movies for her in the living room, and that hubby and i were headed off for some "alone time" *insert wiggling eyebrow and a wink*.

with my daughter, it's actually easier...she brings up what's going on, and we discuss it. when her boyfriend wouldn't put out, she wanted to know how to have him give it up...when he was only worried about his own enjoyment, she wanted to know how to make him more attentive...

no awkwardness, it's all a part of being human, i guess.

i do, by the way...get your point.

[Changed]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

But what if she agrees to this and just can't go through with an abortion? What then? I can't imagine making someone do that.

Not to get into the taboo abortion debate, but it wasn't until I got pregnant that I understood. You really have no idea how you'll react until it happens, and making a promise like that isn't really something you could enforce if she changed her mind. In my case, I did a complete turnaround from my former beliefs, so I don't think I would be able to ask my dd for that promise, though I'd hope for birth control and some common sense.

If she's not an adult, I can enforce anything that I feel is in her best interest. There is always compromise to be made though. Again, teens will have sex regardless most of the time. I do believe that discussing possible consequences beforehand makes them think and act more responsibly. It didn't take that much for me to really process the importance of safe sex. My mom simply said, "there are far worse things than getting pregnant" and it stuck in my mind.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by Jörð

If she's not an adult, I can enforce anything that I feel is in her best interest. There is always compromise to be made though. Again, teens will have sex regardless most of the time. I do believe that discussing possible consequences beforehand makes them think and act more responsibly. It didn't take that much for me to really process the importance of safe sex. My mom simply said, "there are far worse things than getting pregnant" and it stuck in my mind.

In most states a pregnant teen is medically emancipated....so NO you can't force a medical procedure of any kind against her will in that situation. It would be illegal, and the doctors would likely not do it because your daughter could press charges against them.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

In most states a pregnant teen is medically emancipated....so NO you can't force a medical procedure of any kind against her will in that situation. It would be illegal, and the doctors would likely not do it because your daughter could press charges against them.

That's good to know. It just can't be right that someone could force you.

[Violet2]

This is a very interesting conversation. I haven't had the baby yet, but I know I'll be in your shoes soon enough. Plus I have three teen brothers who've been experimenting and a mother who qualifies for AARP yet still needs a safe sex lecture from her doc and me and her sister. (Sexual readiness, I think, isn't so much a function of age as it is one of maturity, self-esteem, and independence which is where parenting is so important.)

For me, if mommy and daddy have to decide to 'let' their child have sex at home I think that is problematic and just highlights the fact that a child is involved instead of someone who is stepping into adulthood. Sex, to me, is a private, independent decision that shouldn't require approval or permission from anyone except the couple involved. It's a big step, one of the first real big life decisions that everyone has to make for themselves, and it comes with a lot of growth, which I don't think can happen if mommy and daddy are managing things behind the scenes. The parenting that leads to a positive sex life happens long before the discussions as to whether or not your kids can have sex in your house.

I'd rather focus on education and discussion about sex than worry about where they're going to have it. Sex happens and instead of controlling where or who, I'd rather be sure my kids are prepared to make their own decision in their own time and place.

I am much less worried about sex than I am about STDs. Even pregnancy doesn't worry me so much (there are worse things, like herpes or AIDS or a dysfunctional relationship that won't die).

So we won't be giving formal permission, but we won't naively assume our kids won't take advantage of an empty house either. (Although I will warn them that DH and I were always caught by the police every time we tried to have sex in the car. I think they put a GPS chip in our genitals or something because we never consumated anything in a car and so many cops saw me naked, I gave up on car sex. Since that kind of karma might be genetic, I'll give my kids fair warning.)

If the need to meddle arises, we'll deal with it on a case by case basis. Hopefully, we'll muddle through okay and everyone will survive intact.

With my brothers, my father and I, we constantly remind them to use condoms. Every time I hug them goodbye I say, "Remember, condoms, lots and lots of condoms." I also am sure to emphasize that even 'clean' healthy looking people have STDs and share that I had my sexual partners tested for STDs when I was their age. I have no idea if what we're doing is effective. We're not so concerned with preventing sex as we are with making it safe--I think, in my family,the ethic is, whether you have sex or not is your decision, we just want you to be safe. I guess, in five years or so, I'll know one way or another if we had a positive impact.

V

[Gendenwitha]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

That's good to know. It just can't be right that someone could force you.

No but they can tell you that you can't live in their house. One of my friends was pregnant at 14 and her parents gave her the options, "you can live at home if you give the baby up for adoption, or we'll adopt the baby and you can move out."

She moved out with the baby, but had a very chaotic life as a homeless teen mother, before finally having to surrender the baby to CPS anyway. If she'd gone into foster care, the baby would have been ward of the state as well, and she probably couldn't keep it there either. One of the things dh and I have talked about is taking in preg teens in foster care who want to keep their babies so we can support and advocate for them.

[Changed]

Of course not. I hope that my daughter would respect that I have been there and know what is best for her and let me help her out of a mess. I fully believe that she is being raised in a way that A) tells her that abortion is a completely acceptable choice and B) going to college is very important and C) not everyone is guaranteed a healthy child and a well child is not even easy at that age.

[fourgrtkidos]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

funny side note -- one of my friends was raising her teenage half sister, as well as her own small children. The younger sister was our baby sitter and she and I would often chat. She told me one day that her big sis was driving her crazy trying to talk to her about sex and birth control and the importance of being very careful, and that this was a very awkward conversation because the teenager couldn't figure out how to be completely honest with her.

She wanted to tell her big sis that after living with her small children for 2 years, she didn't want kids until she was at least 30 and wouldn't dream of doing anything even vaguely risky. She couldn't work out how to explain to her big sis that her children were a walking ad for using multiple forms of birth control without sounding really rude!

This is exactly what my oldest ds and his girlfriend say about my younger kids!! I tied to start a discussion like this several weeks ago and it didn't fly. Maybe because another teen sex thread had been locked up by the mods. I am glad to see this one has a lengthly life and good discussion going.

I am going to check out my states legal stuff- that is mostly what I want to know. Kids are going to have sex- if they want to and so I'd rather it be somewhere safe and nice- even if that means it is my home. I just do not want to break any legal rules that could get my ds or my family in trouble with the girlefriend's parents. Unfortunately, she doesn't speak to them about anything ..... it is sad. I can't imagine being so disconnected from my dd.
Michelle

[fourgrtkidos]

Originally Posted by Jörð

If she's not an adult, I can enforce anything that I feel is in her best interest. There is always compromise to be made though. Again, teens will have sex regardless most of the time. I do believe that discussing possible consequences beforehand makes them think and act more responsibly. It didn't take that much for me to really process the importance of safe sex. My mom simply said, "there are far worse things than getting pregnant" and it stuck in my mind.

Wow, I am just floored at the thought that you would make your dd have a "medical procedure" she didn't want. Have you thought about the emotional scars this would create- it would potentially destroy your relationship with her.
EVERY state has a law that minors must have parental consent for medical care AND statutes that state that the pregnant teenagercan consent for her own care and ensures confidentiality and care for prenatal and delivery services!!!

[boysrus]

Originally Posted by Jörð

Of course not. I hope that my daughter would respect that I have been there and know what is best for her and let me help her out of a mess. I fully believe that she is being raised in a way that A) tells her that abortion is a completely acceptable choice and B) going to college is very important and C) not everyone is guaranteed a healthy child and a well child is not even easy at that age.

wow
just wow
How about supporting your daughter in whatever decision SHE chooses?
Yes going to college is important, but not being scarred for life by being forced into a decision that goes against your heart is important too.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by boysrus

How about supporting your daughter in whatever decision SHE chooses?
Yes going to college is important, but not being scarred for life by being forced into a decision that goes against your heart is important too.

That would be our plan. DH and I have discussed this and would support our DD whatever she felt in her heart was the right path. If she wanted to keep the baby, she could live with us indefinately and we would provide for her and the baby while she completed her education, and continue to help her as needed because being a single parent is tough.

We are very prochoice, but the emphasis is on *choice.*

[Jeanne D'Arc]

I am one of those girls that REGRETS my first experience.
I REGRET all the years of sexual experimentation.

I WISH my parents had been a little less laid-back about it.
I WISH they would have placed MORE restrictions on me.

I was very well educated on sex and protection. I had
all the tools, and yet I found myself with Chlamydia after
my very first time. It could have been AIDS. I got lucky.
At 15 I was not ready, not at all. I was just curious. I
only 'thought' I was ready.Still to this day i get scared
thinking about it, because i literally took my life in my
hands.

I truly believe if my parents had put more rules and
supervised me more I might not have had that possibly
life threatening experience.

I do not come from a religious household, my mistakes
and sexual damage are very much a testament to
the fact that my parents where too open to just let
me do whatever i wanted.I honestly feel it led to
alot of extremely risky behavior, and alot of damage,
despite the fact that I was educated.

To the moms who are putting rules and restrictions
on their kids in respect to this i think you are doing
a good thing. I only wish my parents had done the
same.

[bri276]

And if it's just a statement, why would it come up and where would the conversation go from there? "Mom, I need a new backpack for school, the swim meet is on Thursday, and thought you should know I lost my virginity last night. Do we have any more pop-tarts?"

I know what you mean, but this is pretty much exactly how it happened with me and my mom when I was 15. It was a few months after I'd started having sex, and I simply walked up to her and said "I'm not a virgin anymore, I want birth control pills." And she asked me invasive questions and insinuated that I was promiscuous. This is a pediatrician who had previously told me that I should tell her. Not a good response. And then, rather than taking me to a good gyno, took me to a Planned Parenthood in a rather nasty neighborhood where they were very confrontational, judgmental, and actually told me I had an STD that I did NOT have, as they later found out (I had no symptoms, they simply took a swab, looked at it, put me on harsh antibiotics that made me puke in school, then called back and said there was a mistake and I didn't have anything wrong with me after all. Thanks.)

I continued to be sexually active all through high school, with nothing but contempt and ridicule from my mother. I ended up doing things like having sex in cars on deserted roads and even being unsafe at times because I wasn't empowered to make better choices. I think that's the thing- it's possible for a teenager to simultaneously be mature enough to have sex, and immature enough to need some guidance in being sexually active in a responsible, respectful way. I don't believe in the extended childhood that's forced upon most teens in this society- our counterparts in many other countries are not only having sex, but married and have several children by the time we are taking our SATs. I'm not trying to debate which one is better, but when it comes to "natural family living" it's a bit hypocritical to deny teenagers their natural, normal desire to have sex (if they choose to not have sex based on religious or other personal convictions, that's a totally different story).