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S/O: If you let your kids have sex at home.. - Page 2

post #21 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
Oriele,

Just keep in mind that those are you views on sex, and you can communicate them to your children, but it is still your children who will decide when and with whom they have sex. Their bodies belong to them, not you. And they get to decide.

And as Donna Martin said "If you have a swimming pool in the backyard, you can tell your kids not to go in, you can put up fences and gates and lock them, but if you know your kids are going to figure out a way to get in, don't you think you ought to teach them how to swim?"
Well, this is true, but don't we communicate our values and expectations to our children?
Also, this original post was about our children having sex in our homes which, of course, implies consent and condoning. Oriole (and me, by the way) don't allow our children to have sex in our homes, but that doesn't mean we're going to follow our children around 24/7 making sure they don't have sex.
post #22 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Besides, there is only one way to be sure 100% that you are not pregnant, and that is not to have sex. No condom is 100% safe,
Yeah, they are only like 97% effective. I honestly believe that stressing to kids that birthcontrol isn't 100% makes kids less likely use birthcontrol, but not less likely to have sex.

I was sexually active for 11 years before I decided to become a parent, and birth control worked well for me for that whole time. I find the idea that people shouldn't have sex unless they want to have a baby completely bizarre.

According to that logic, I shouldn't have sex with my Dh because our family is complete.
post #23 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
I guess everyone goes by what they have experienced themselves. I'm in the camp that encourages kids to wait and be kids. I am a romantic, I knew dp for over a year before we were intimate, and I can't imagine it being half as special under any other circumstainces. Every date, every kiss, every time our hands touched was more and more intense. .

See to me that adds way too much pressure to a realtionship! Df and I (and also several "couple friends we know") started out as "friend with benefits". I'd never enjoyed sex more than when I didn't have to worry about looking silly or being perceived as bossy or too outspoken... I really enjoyed being able to relax with a good friend and explore what our bodies could do.

When we did come together romantically, it made it really nice that we already knew how to please it each other, and it was a non-issue. (Of course, we are both the kind of people who watch something "romantic" on TV and look at each other and say "GAG!".)

I lost my viginity when I was 17, had sleepoevers at my house, and was sooooo not in love with the guy, but I've never regretted it, because really, it got it out of the way. And that was the reason I consented to sex.

For those who don't think it's appropriate for 14-17 year olds to be having sex, when do you expect your children to begin? Honestly curious here.
post #24 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
Yeah, they are only like 97% effective. I honestly believe that stressing to kids that birthcontrol isn't 100% makes kids less likely use birthcontrol, but not less likely to have sex.

I was sexually active for 11 years before I decided to become a parent, and birth control worked well for me for that whole time. I find the idea that people shouldn't have sex unless they want to have a baby completely bizarre.
I completely fail to see how a pregnant high schooler can compare to a married woman.

It is NOT the same to have an unplanned pregnancy while you are a teenager, who didn't even finish high school. I am not suggesting to have sex only when you want to have a baby (I would miss out on a lot of fun, wouldn't I? heh), but getting pregnant in a commited relationship is a whole different thing that having to juggle your classmates looks, stress of having to tell the parents, a boyfirend who broke up with you as soon as he found out (correct me if I'm wrong, but your husband is more likely to stay your husband than a high school bf in the face of these circumstances), and trying to figure out whether to get a job or to finish high school.
post #25 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
I completely fail to see how a pregnant high schooler can compare to a married woman.

It is NOT the same to have an unplanned pregnancy while you are a teenager, who didn't even finish high school. I am not suggesting to have sex only when you want to have a baby (I would miss out on a lot of fun, wouldn't I? heh), but getting pregnant in a commited relationship is a whole different thing that having to juggle your classmates looks, stress of having to tell the parents, a boyfirend who broke up with you as soon as he found out (correct me if I'm wrong, but your husband is more likely to stay your husband than a high school bf in the face of these circumstances), and trying to figure out whether to get a job or to finish high school.
Well, judging by the Single Parents forum and Parents as Partners, a wedding ring is far from a guarantee that a man won't decide he'd rather not be a husband and father after all...an unplanned pregnancy puts a strain on any relationship. It's always a good idea to use reliable contraception unless you are actively trying to conceive.

For our family, I feel that preventing unwanted pregnancy is more important than preventing sexual activity.
post #26 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Well, judging by the Single Parents forum and Parents as Partners, a wedding ring is far from a guarantee that a man won't decide he'd rather not be a husband and father after all...an unplanned pregnancy puts a strain on any relationship. It's always a good idea to use reliable contraception unless you are actively trying to conceive.

For our family, I feel that preventing unwanted pregnancy is more important than preventing sexual activity.
So even if even grown up adults and husbands have trouble living up to the stress of a situation, why would I want a child who didn't even as much as graduated high school faced with these decisions?..

And as I have mentioned before, there is no 100% reliable contraception.
post #27 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
So even if even grown up adults and husbands have trouble living up to the stress of a situation, why would I want a child who didn't even as much as graduated high school faced with these decisions?..

And as I have mentioned before, there is no 100% reliable contraception.
While there may be no 100% reliable contraception, informed use of what does exist certainly beats crossing your fingers and hoping that your daughter is not having sex.

The only sex education I got at school was "The best contraceptive is the word NO." I am one of the few girls from my school class that made it to age 20 without getting pregnant, so you can see how effective that piece of "sex education" was.
post #28 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinklefae View Post
I lost my viginity when I was 17, had sleepoevers at my house, and was sooooo not in love with the guy
Exactly the reason why I would want something better for my child, and another proof that not all kids will go out and do it, and sometimes it happens because parents don't mind bfs/guys staying over.

I realize it might not be a traumatic event at all, but I guess I just have a different view on life. The reason why divorces are high, imho, is because people don't know what relationships should look like, and it often starts in High School, where pressure is put on sex, vs. romance of the relationship.

I don't want to trivialize sex for my child, and I don't want her to think that three months into high school crash is a normal timeframe for having sex with a boy.

I want her to look for the magic of love, where evey touch is something special, and sex is not just sex, but making love. You don't see this message coming from her high school friends, or the media, and as a parent I would like to provide a different view on sex and relatinships in general for her.
post #29 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
While there may be no 100% reliable contraception, informed use of what does exist certainly beats crossing your fingers and hoping that your daughter is not having sex.

The only sex education I got at school was "The best contraceptive is the word NO." I am one of the few girls from my school class that made it to age 20 without getting pregnant, so you can see how effective that piece of "sex education" was.
Exactly why I don't want my kid having sex while still in high school.

And this is not my main point in the discussions with my child. If you reread my posts you will see that I mention that we discuss sex and protection, and such, but never aside from relationships, and always within the context of consequences. So far she says she wants to wait until she is married (she is 14 atm), I am not sure if it will hold up, but I think it is a good start in the culture where it is well accepted for teenagers to do have sex without great emotional attachement or full realization of consequences.
post #30 of 142
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the subject of this post has anything to do with, "Would you let your teens have sex?" It was, "IF you let you kids have sex in your home. . .then. . ." This doesn't seem like the thread to debate teen sex.

I was not allowed to have sex in my home, but I did anyway. Things came up tha i wish I could have talked to my mother about, but I couldn't, because I was breaking the rules.

My kids are young and I haven't made any decisions about what my rules will be. I [I]would[I] be concerned about legal ramifications if the other parents weren't aware or didn't approve, particularly if it was one of my boys and a girl and a pregnancy did result. These are questions that my husband and I still need to hash out.
post #31 of 142
I didn't have sex as a high schooler because:

I didn't want to get pregnant. (this was the most important reason)

I felt that sex was something to be shared between those in a committed relationship. I realized at a young age that I was fickle. I had strong feelings for one boy one week and another the next.

I wanted more out of a relationship and wanted to be respected. There were plenty of guys who would use a girl for sex and I preferred not to have a reputation.


My parents are liberal and have very liberal ideas when it comes to sex and life. However, they did not condone teen sex and I knew this. Believe it or not, this was another reason I didn't do it.
post #32 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the subject of this post has anything to do with, "Would you let your teens have sex?" It was, "IF you let you kids have sex in your home. . .then. . ." This doesn't seem like the thread to debate teen sex.
Discussions sometimes develop into something else, and i don't think it prevents people from answering the original question. If OP would have stated that opinions on teen sex are not for this thread, I wouldn't have posted. Usually when people want a certain flow for the discussion on a difficult topic they say "support only" in the opening post.

I figured since others were replying to my statements, then others were interested in continuing this discussion?.. I try to keep my replies respectful and as long as others are doing the same I see no issue in posting here. Am I wrong?
post #33 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
I figured since others were replying to my statements, then others were interested in continuing this discussion?.. I try to keep my replies respectful and as long as others are doing the same I see no issue in posting here. Am I wrong?
In general, no. In this instance, I think we should probably stay with the original topic because the related topics are so volatile they would easily take over the thread (although I think a link to a new thread would be fine) also, the people who can answer it from experience are a lot fewer than those with an opinion on the broader topic, and not being at this age just yet, who I'd really like to hear from are these people. Just my .02
post #34 of 142
Thread Starter 
I didn't say support only because it isn't a support thread. My oldest son is only 10, so I won't be dealing with it yet. The idea of being open to it is new to me. So I have lots of questions. I had hoped to keep it focused on people who are allowing it or will (which is why I entitled it as such). There is a multipage thread that is is spun off of that has been discusssing the pros and cons.
post #35 of 142
"isn't it the job of the other parent to know where their child is and what they are doing? Don't most parents want to know where their child is spending the night and talk to the other parents? Are their really teens who just leave for the night and their parents don't know where they are?"

Yes, it is the parents job to know where their kids are, but you'd be really shocked (I sure am) at how many times my kids have friends over and I don't know the kids or the parents and they never even walk their kid to the door when they drop them off.

I gues because we live in a nice neighborhood, they just expect that I'm actually here and there isn't a party going on.

My opinion about kids having friends of the opposite sex in our home is that they don't go upstairs or into their bedrooms. We supervise our kids in our home and expect that they "behave themselves" when they aren't home. For us this means no drinking, smoking, stealing, or sex. When they are paying for their own rent, car, health and car insurance, electric bill, food, etc. then they can make any decision they choose.

Luckily and so far, my kids have kept busy with school, music, scouts, and sports and we haven't had to deal with boyfriends and girlfriends yet, but I would never let them have sex in my home. And if I found out that one of their girlfriends/boyfriend's parents did, I would flip.
post #36 of 142
Maybe I don't have a place in replying in this thread because my children are so young, but I'm having a hard time with all of this.

I have seen many mentions of teen pregnancy, but no mention of STDs and AIDS!!!!!! I mean, if you feel that you can't keep your kids from having sex that's one thing, but condoning it or endorsing it by allowing it to happen in your own home, I feel, is irresponsible. Having sex is a life changing action. It will effect the way they are treated by peers and in future relationships. Pregnancy and having a baby will effect the rest of their lives, forget about finishing high school, that is nothing compared to trying to continue into college and finding a good job. Don't get me started on diseases.

I lost my virginity to the man who is now my husband. I was 18. I am sorry that I decided to have sex with him when I did.

Good for you Oriole, for sticking to your guns!
post #37 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by AEMOMMY View Post
I mean, if you feel that you can't keep your kids from having sex that's one thing, but condoning it or endorsing it by allowing it to happen in your own home, I feel, is irresponsible. Having sex is a life changing action.
I only have a toddler myself, but that never stopped me from having an opinion on anything before.

If a person feels (and I basically do as well) that people are going to have sex when THEY are ready, no matter age and circumstances, how is it irresponsible to give them a safe space to explore their sexual relationship? Is it somehow more responsible to relegate teen sexual activity to the backseat of someone's car? I think that my kids having sex in my home with access to birth control, condoms, and good information is a much better way to start their sexual lives. I am going to assume that the mamas here who have such an open and sex positive environment for their teens will have given them a thorough education on not only pregnancy but STDs as well.
post #38 of 142
Bottom line is that the sex positive parents here, of which I am one, have a completely different value system than those that are teaching abstinance until marriage.

And those of you that are advocating abstinance until marriage are the very foundational cause of "judging by peers and family and friends" regarding sexual activity. And then use your own judgments as an means to control those that don't agree.

This is the year 2007. My mom dealt with the shunning for becoming pregnant while she was unmarried in the 60s and thankfully joined the sexual revolution and chose not to perpetuate that shameful attitude into my generation and I am raising an empowered teenage daughter that knows that she owns her body and she can choose when she is ready to have a sexual relationship.

Bottom line is that reasons like pregnancy and disease are tools used by those that espouse abstinance for religious or spiritual reasons. They are not valid reason in themselves in these modern times of birth control and health education and awareness. And the same goes for statutory rape laws. Those are not valid for me in regards to consentual sexual relationships between teens of similar age any more that sodomy laws in backward states stopped me from having oral sex * for example*.
post #39 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesdaffodils View Post
If a person feels (and I basically do as well) that people are going to have sex when THEY are ready, no matter age and circumstances,
gotta argue terminology with you a little bit; some people will start having sex regardless of whether they're ready or not

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesdaffodils View Post
I think that my kids having sex in my home with access to birth control, condoms, and good information is a much better way to start their sexual lives.
Since they're "going to drink anyway", do you plan to let children experience alcohol in your home? How about mj? I'm not being provocative here; I'm really curious as to how you (generic you, not you specifically) will handle introducing kids to other adult activities.
post #40 of 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by griffin2004 View Post
gotta argue terminology with you a little bit; some people will start having sex regardless of whether they're ready or not
I'm not sure if you are referring to rape and abuse, or just being coerced before being ready? If it is the latter, then I hope that being raised in a sex positive environment and being able to discuss sex openly will help my child(ren) take more control of their sexuality and not have that happen. Obviously I can't guarantee that, but no one can guarantee that teaching their children abstinence or delayed sex is going to prevent that either.

Quote:
Since they're "going to drink anyway", do you plan to let children experience alcohol in your home? How about mj? I'm not being provocative here; I'm really curious as to how you (generic you, not you specifically) will handle introducing kids to other adult activities.
Actually, yes, my son (and future kids) will be introduced to alcohol in my home if he wants to try it, and we will often discuss all the issues around alcohol and its abuse. Marijuana is trickier because of the legal ramifications. But as I am not opposed to its use (I think it should be legal), I can't say outright that I would oppose it. I think we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. Obviously all of this is theory on my part since my kid is still a toddler.
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