coping with bad family descisions

[lilyka]

I have a SIL. I love her. she just had a sweet sweet baby. Friction. she just made some choices that I would never make. I really thought she was going to jump on the crunchy band wagon with me. but it is not to be. First she gets an epidural right away when she goes into labor. And at the only freaking hospital in the US that doesn't give epidurals and has a staff ready to go to the ends of the world to give you a blessed drug free labor. But she knows people so she pulled some strings and got one anyway. she ended up having a c-sec 24 hours later. And then she circumsized him. because it is what you do to boys. I am sure they gave it the same amount of thought that they gave the epidural and its side effects. and then they were letting him cry himself to sleep at 9 days old. nine days for crying out loud.

I feel bad for being so judgmental of her but it realy bugs me. We used to be pretty good friends but now there is a wall going up pretty fast between us. i feel like I can't even relate. I half suspect that they are doing babywise which would really suck. They were who we chose for gaurdians should we die but I am not so sure anymore.

How do you guys deal with the dissapointment that ensues in situations like these? how do you keep the relationship good when all you can think about is "how can you do that to your baby? Don't you relize what big descissios these are"

I really do want to get past this but it just bums me out.

[NiteNicole]

I don't want to be judged for my decisions, and I'm certainly not going to judge a friend or relative for their parenting decisions. For any method or concept you can name, there is as much support and there is negativity. In the end, we're all just doing the best that we can. Just because you or I have chosen a certain path or method, that doesn't mean it rings true to someone else.

[Liz]

Oh man! You know as I was reading your post I was thinking oh cut her some slack about the epidural but by the time I got to the crying it out at 9 DAYS OLD, I was thinking save that baby! Wow, I don't even think Ezzo recommends that. I would seriously talk to her about it. I know it is so hard to broach these subjects without putting people on the defensive but she is seriously harming this child. I'm just so shocked. When my ds cried it tore me up. I would do anything to stop that crying. I could not sit still. I thought we were all hard wired to react that way? I get all frantic just thinking about that baby. Sorry, I'm not much help to you!

[momatheart23]

That is a hard situation, parenting can definitely bring people's differences smack up against eachother. First off I wouldn't judge her so much for the epidural and circumcision, I personally had a epidural and circumcised my son and those are my decisions and I think they are a matter of personal choice. Now the crying it out at 9 days that is hard. Is she open at all to parenting advice, or is she " I am doing it my way" attitude. If she is open you could try to gradually give her some better info in a non judgemental way so that hopefully she will accept it. If she isn't open to ideas then you are stuck just letting her make her decisions and being there to offer love to the baby as an auntie. I have a nephew that I can't stand how he is raised, but I offer a loving warm environment and he responds wonderfully when he is with us(he is 8). edited because I misread your post.

[neveryoumindthere]

for me personally, i could look past the epidural and circumcision (because of my religious beliefs) BUT i dont think i could look past the cio at 9 days old...in the meantime though u could definitely give her some books or other information or just talk to her about it cuz maybe someone told her that's what she *should* do..maybe she feels inside it's not right but some 'expert' told her that's a great way to get them to sleep:

but, while giving her the benefit of the doubt i dont know if i'd want it anywhere in writing, for the meantime, that they would be the guardians of ur dc in the case parental death..i know that sounds harsh, but for me, i would want the peace of mind that my child isnt left to cry when they need some tlc

anyway though, maybe she really doenst know any better or maybe she's so insanely tired and in pain from her csection that she's having a hard time getting to the baby quickly or maybe she's depressed..whatever it is i would make excuses for them first and try to find out what the issue...in the meantime u could do her and that baby a huge favour by giving her some other options/suggestions or maybe talk to ur brother instead if that's easier ?

hope everything works out..

[Arduinna]

well, I couldn't stay friends with someone that is raising their baby like that. Especially someone that lived nearby and thought we would be hanging out with our kids or something.

edited to add that I definately couldn't have someone with those kids of parenting philosophies raising my kid if something happened to me.

[captain optimism]

Originally posted by saffiyya80
anyway though, maybe she really doenst know any better or maybe she's so insanely tired and in pain from her csection that she's having a hard time getting to the baby quickly or maybe she's depressed..whatever it is i would make excuses for them first and try to find out what the issue...in the meantime u could do her and that baby a huge favour by giving her some other options/suggestions or maybe talk to ur brother instead if that's easier ?
hope everything works out..

Yeah, what she said! Judge her on the side of merit, her baby is only 9 days old, she might be having problems. If it's Babywise, then yeah, forget having her as a godmother. But it might not be.

Don't give up on her just yet! She might need you.

[momto l&a]

I could /can look past everything BUT the crying it out at 9 days old.

For that reason I would befriend her and try to show her a better way to handle the situation.

The poor baby

Hugs to you for having to deal with a friend like that

[L.J.]

I know it can be difficult to have family members raising their kids in very different ways.
Who's to say what's right & what's wrong? (playing a little devil's advocate here). Maybe what they are doing is really the best for their new son & family. Not being there and being part of it first hand, none of us can really say.
I think that most parents really set out to do the best thing for their child. We may disagree as to what is best but that happens everywhere in the world.
I think people learn best by seeing other examples. I would continue to be the best parent I could be and maybe some of your ideas will look appealing to her, and maybe not.
Ultimately it's their child & their life & unless they're doing some horribly abusive thing, it's really none of your business. You can still love your new nephew just as much & you can treat him the way you think is best when he is with you.
I think the best thing anyone can do for any new mom is support them & the decisions they have to make. You may have to agree to disagree in the future if they do choose parenting like Babywise, and that's okay too.
There are lots of people in my life that parent very differently than I do. I know what I think is best for me & my family. Until I walk in someone else's shoes, I really can't say what choices are best for them.

[chellemarie]

Remember that the epidural and circumcision were one-time decisions (for that birth and that baby). Also, they're done. Can't be changed. Crying it out is on-going behavior and can be modified and adjusted. I think we all adapt our parenting "style" as we go.

As a gift for the new mother, buy a subscription to Mothering.

Tell her that when you want to unwind, you visit the boards here. (and have someone delete this thread for you.)

I feel for you. And for mom and baby. Listening to a tiny baby cry is no fun at all. I hope you get things worked out.

My first two babies cried a lot more than my third. I thought crying was something babies were supposed to do and I didn't think of it as communication the way I do now. But I wasn't a rotten mother then and I'm a super awesome mom now. As far as them being your guardians, I wouldn't write them off just yet.

[Foobar]

Ok- I have to say, you're being a little too hard on your SIL.Natural childbirth is a great thing, but it isn't for everyone. Some women can't handle the pain of childbirth. Let the epidural go. Ditto for the circ. You disagree with it, fine, but it was their decision and while you find it a terrible thing, many others don't.

Now let's get to the other issues. CIO at 9 days? They obviosuly need some help. Offer your help. lend her some books by Dr. Sears, Get her mothering. Help as much as you cna, but cut her some slack, ok? She's a brand new mom. It's HARD for some people to be a mother. You can want it for ever and then when you get it wow, you are overwelmed.

Help her, but don't abandon her...

[lilyka]

It is a 24 hour drive between us. we don't see each other that often. so it isn't like this is a huge thing.i wasn't there when he was crying but MIl was. she sat outside being sad for a while and then finally told them enough is enough and went into comfort him.

It isn't that I think she is a terrible mother or even a terrible person. It is just that I was so excited to be sharing this with her and I really thought we were on the same page. It is such a bummer that we are so, well, not. I was looking forward to someone being the family parenting outcast with me :LOL. I also expected her, of all the people I am even remotely related to, to be a person who really thought things through and gathered a ton of information and made imformed choices and seems like she is just following all the other sheep. and that is what is really bugging me I guess. i don't care what descissions people make so long as they are educated ones.

At one point she asked me about delaying or skipping vaccines and co-sleeping, and I thought woohoo, this is going to be so much fun. I was really excited that we were going to have so much in common and become closer as mommy friends. i figured she was going to go all the way to one side or the other. And it looked like she was going to be the earthy hippy type. DENIDE! ouch. in a way it feels like a person assault to my parenting. dumb huh? but she asked me what I did and what I thought and then does the opposite. ouch-er. She also actslike having to use cloth diapers is a curse from God. MIL was bragging about my cute cloth diaper sthat I made (she used flats so fitteds are like heaven to her :LOL) and I felt like don't even bother. she couldn't care less. she would probably be too caught up in feeling sorry for us that we can't afford blessed disposables. . . That isn't how I want to feel when we share mommy moments. YK. I wanted instead to have a nice chat about cloth but I knew it would go nowhere. why bother.

And the issue is bigger I guess. Ya know., it is about all the people we love making descissions that suddenly swing us to opposite poles. One minute they are right there with you and the next minute you have nothing in common. just bums me out.i hate change.

maybe I am just being a baby about this. i just was really excite about this. I was truely shocked when I heard she got the epidural right away. and then she talked about it with pride that she was able to get one even though that hospital doesn't do them. It just threw me. not at all what I expected. yeah, I am being a baby. Never mind. I should have this post deleted. I still have this fantasy of her embracing AP and a natural life style. and then coming here or even already being here. I never give up completely



And just for the record, I have nothing against circ. for religous reasons. hey if you have a direct order form God who am I to argue that. Heck I am not even entirerly against it if you truely believe (however misguided) that there is some medical benifit to it. It is the "why did you choose to circ. - oh because it is just done to all boys" that really chaps my hide. Good gravy, if your going to make such a big descission then at least have a freaking reason. but anywway, a different discussion for a different time. It just that whole, well, its is the easiest way to do things mentality.

anyway, like I said. it goes beyond her and her choices. It is the bigger issue of h"hey, i thought we were together on this but I guess not. never mind. "

[seven_lux]

Personally, I think I would have to cut her out. Pretty cold.
But I have to be cut and dry with these matters, or I would truly go insane. I would be in the extreme, and I know that's not the case for everyone.

It would find dealing with someone whom has such obvious disrespect for the person they brought into the world too distressing.
Even reading about it makes me want to cry, and I die inside for her kid.

Circ'ing is just never ok with me, for anything other than critical medical need. It's a body part like any other body part, and that body part does not belong to anyone other than who was born with it.
I can not rationalize it in my head in the slightest, and I can't understand how any one can...but this is a big personal issue for me right now anyway. I just can't deal with it.

I think the choices we make reflect who we are as people, and I think she's making hurtful ones.

[momatheart23]

I personally am offended by putting circumcision in the same boat as CIO at 9 days. I circumcised my son and not for religious or medical reasons. I feel I am an awesome mother and my decision to do so does not reflect that I love my son any less or or do not respect him. I know I am taking this topic off track but I just wanted to speak up about feeling attacked for my choice.

[callmemama]

Someone above said "Ultimately it's their child & their life & unless they're doing some horribly abusive thing, it's really none of your business."

That's true, but some of us consider CIO, especially at that age, to be abusive...

[Elphaba]

the point, as i'm reading it, isn't whether or not someone circs or has drugs during labor, but the fact that this person's choices are a total opposite from the OP's.
it's an issue that comes up a lot here: how do you maintain a positive relationship with someone who's company you enjoyed prior to having children, but now you are on different paths.

[laralou]

It seems to me that you are sad that someone you thought would share your views has taken a different path. So it is kind of like a loss to you. I know just how you feel. I have been let down several times thinking that someone was going to be really AP and NFL, then they went the other way. It is lonely to parent this way when you are surrounded by people who don't approve of it, so we do look forward to sharing our styles with others.

[seven_lux]

I wasn't attacking anyone, maybe if you feel offended that's just a guilty conscience speaking.

I feel that as a parent you have a total responsibility to nurture and protect your childs mind, body, & their spirit.
How could I say to my child, your body is your own and no-one has the right to do anything to you against your will. especially to your "privates"...except me, I get to rule over it and do whatever I want, just because I want. That's too hypocritical. But it's JUST MY OPINION, and that shouldn't hurt anyone.

I'm not out to change the freaking world though, and I'm sure people would have some objections to some things I will do/way I will handle things, that is why i stated my personal reasons for cutting someone out in the OP's situation. I don't agree with the CIO either, let alone at 9 days.

Bleah...this is more than I meant to say...I don't have another circ debate in me. I can't tear myself up over other peoples decisions forever. i'm just going to try not to come back here, just as I no longer to to the circ'ing or GD boards. Back to the op's topic.

I have no doubt that you all love your babies & sons.

[lilyka]

please don't turn this into a circ debate. that wasn't my intent and I am sorry if I accidentlly offended anyone. i was just trying to point out that it wasn't one or two different descissions but a series of completely opposite things.

lauralou, elphaba - thnaks for understanding.

[Ravin]

I can understand how frustrating it can be. My best friend since elementary school and I have quite different points of view on many aspects of parenting. About the only thing we agree about is gentle discipline. We just try to focus our friendship on other things, like our creative outlets (we write). I'm looking forward to having a natural birth so I can say "I told you so." after all her taunting that I'd wimp out, etc.

For all that we are best friends, though, I wouldn't want her to raise my kids. Nor would I want my own mother or sisters to because of religious differences among other things. I have some close friends who are AP and of similar religious bent, and they'd be my first pick (not that my will's been written, yeah, yeah, I know). When you're contemplating who's going to get your kids if something happens to you, their parenting style should be very important, not just that it's a relative.