Flood of Emotions

[ShanghaiMama]

Beware- long sad rambling confessional story...but I just feel the need to set this writing free somewhere...

My mother died when I was 13. I suppose I have handled it ok over the
years and have gone on to have a happy life, but in the last few days I
have been hit by such a flood of emotions that I'm totally unprepared
to handle right now. I'm back home visiting family and I think the
combination of pregnancy and a soulful conversation with my father has
really stirred up a lot of feelings that I haven't dealt with in yea74rs.

When I was pregnant the first time, I missed sharing it with her and
often wondered what she would have told me. I'm so sad that my children will never know what an amazing woman she was. My children can only know
her through photos and stories...and I'm forgetting those as time goes by. I also mourned for her at the birth since I wanted more than anything for her to have been there to hold my hand...I was sad, but made it through and thought I had dealt with those issues and moved on.

I have also been reading a lot about hypnobirthing and the role of our
emotional states as I prepare for my VBAC, and I worry about the power
of these feelings. I wonder if some of these unresolved mother-grief
issues complicated my first birth and enabled some of the problems that led to my c-sect? Perhaps having these intense emotions surface right now will be good for me/we since I can start to work through them in the second
trimester in time for a happy birth... I just don't know how to work
through them since I'm feeling utterly lost right now.

Even though I hear it's not uncommon for grief to surface/intensify during pregnancy, I guess I'm just overwhelmed by the emotions/hormones since I was really not prepared to be hit by such an unexpected storm. I would just like to know how others have handled this since I have no idea where to start. Under normal circumstances, i would find a therapist and start talking, but I live in China and have few mental health resources. Then i started thinking that perhaps I'm not alone in feeling this way so maybe some good old fashion mother-to-mother support could help others, too...?

On the upside, I was awed by the sensitivity and insights of my 3 year
old. For the first time, I took her to visit my mother's grave today so
I could tell her about her grandmother. When she asked why I was crying,
I told her that I missed my mama very much and it makes me feel sad that
I can't see her. My daughter gave me a big hug and told me that if I miss
my mother, I should go to sleep and dream about her so that I could see
her.

[BinahYeteirah]

bs"d

I don't have time to write much, but I think I understand a little of what you are going through. My mother died last year. She was 48; I am now 28. I am lucky that my mother was around when my first two children were born, but my current pregnancy has brought up a lot of painful feelings knowing that she won't be around this time. She never attended my births, but she came after the babies were born and helped me. I am also an American living abroad. Much of my husband's family is here and my relationship with my ILs is okay but not very close or even comfortable. I have none of my own family here and in a way the presence of my husband's makes me feel even more alone. I know that when I give birth I will want someone to take care of me the way my mother did once, but I'm not close enough to my MIL for that to happen. I am very happy that my mother had a chance to see my two daughters, but they were only 3 and a newborn when they saw her last so I fear that by the time they are adults they will have no memories of her at all. I know my younger daughter won't (she doesn't have any now), but my older daughter does seem to remember her a little (she's 5 now). In any case, I have to go now, but my thoughts are with you.

[Nature]

I do understand your feelings.

My grandmother who raised me, died when I was 15. Her death is one that I am still trying to get over. I so wish she had been there the rest of my teen years, and seen me grow up, make mistakes, and have a family of my own...

And my mother, died 6 months before I gave birth to my first child. We never had much of a relationship... but she was coming around. We were learning more about each other, and I was struggling with how much to let her in my childs life. Knowing my mother had a problem with alcohol and drugs, wanting a relationship..but not knowing how to draw a boundary when it would come time with my child... and then suddenly.. it wasn't an issue. She had a heart attack. I never got to say goodbye. I felt cheated. Just when she was finally trying...and I was feeling positive about things.. It felt like a cruel joke by the world.

The feelings get a little bit worse every year it seems. Not so much missing those who are gone, as it is more... feeling a loss. Missing the interactions that they SHOULD be having with my girls. Missing the support that I SHOULD be getting. Missing a huge part of love in my life. And a whole lot of "its not fair." feelings. When other people in my life have family get togethers, I feel the sting. When my older daughter has school functions and the invites say "especially invite your grandparents!" Sometimes it feels that everyone has a mother or a grandmother but me. And since my husbands mother has passed on, I didn't gain one when I married him either. But I did gain someone who understands how I feel.

My 4 year old started something new lately. She started talking about her grandma. Now, I'm not sure why.. because she has never known her grandmother on either side. They have been gone for many years. We don't talk about her too much, so its not from us. She went through the photo album and pulled out pictures that she's never seen before, and accurately said, "Thats my grandma!" "Can we go to grandmas house today?" "I want to see my grandma." I tried to explain how grandma wasn't alive anymore, but my 4 year old isn't buying it. She's convinced we're keeping grandma from her somehow. So for now... we just let her talk about her grandma. And how much she wants to see her. And I cry on the inside.

I'm heartbroken that they'll never know just what a wonderful woman my own grandmother was. I'm not sure I can teach the same things she taught. I'm not sure I can carry on the traditions the way I could if she were here. I'm forgetting a lot. Its been 13 years.

My children will never really know the struggle of knowing their grandmother, and though that might be a good thing in some ways... I think they're missing out on a relationship that could have had many positive things. And I honestly feel in my heart of hearts.. that my mother would have gotten well, if only she hadn't passed so suddenly. The prospect of becoming a grandmother changed her. It opened up something in her that I had never seen. She started to grow up, and assume the role of mother in my life.. instead of the other way around. I no longer had to parent her, she started to step up to the plate. Her chances just ran out..

I am unsure how to make my grandmother and mother a part of my childrens lives. How do you talk about someone that has died, that they have never known? If they had been alive and had some history.. it would be easier.. "Grandma used to rock you when you were a baby.." etc... but they have nothing. How do I create something there? I know my 9 year looks at me like.. "Um.. okay. So?" when I talk about her.. because she has no connection there. And that makes me so sad. I feel in some way I failed because I couldn't bridge that gap. I couldn't share my grandmother and mother with my children the right way.

This was very long... short answer. Yes, pregnancy and motherhood bring out a lot of feelings about your relationship with your mother and other women in your family. I've always struggled with it, but much moreso when I'm pregnant and expecting another little life. I hope you at least find comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your feelings.

[Jujubie]

I didn't read much of the above posts, because i'm at work and the first one started to get me all weepy.

I lost my mom 7 years ago, when I was 26 (she was 48). She was my best friend and now that i'm pregnant with my first I think about her a lot and sometimes it is very hard. There really isn't anything that can fill that void, we just have to rely on our other family, friends, and partner.

Grief is like a rollercoaster ride that never ends. Some days are the highs and some are the lows.

[WeasleyMum]

I am so sorry, it sounds like such a lot to deal with. I can't claim to understand b/c I still have my mom, but even the THOUGHT of losing my mother makes me panicky, and I'm 26. There's just something about our own pregnancies and births that reinforces that connection... After my loss over this weekend there's nothing I want more right now than to fly home and be with my mom.

:Grouphug

[Hemiola]

I can't read all the posts because they make me cry and I'm not in this DDC, but I wanted to offer a suggestion. I've found Emotional Freedom Technique to be extremely effective in dealing with tough issues. It is essentially emotional accupressure, and you tap on certain spots of your body while speaking about your issues/feelings in a certain way. The more specific your language, the better. It is totally free and best of all, you get to do it in the privacy of your home. The website is www.emofree.com and you can search for "death" or "grief" or "weight loss" or "cravings" or "smoking" or whatever your issue is, to get an idea of what phrases other people have used to help get you started. There are also many videos on www.youtube.com which explain the technique. I hope you get some relief with this technique! It sometimes takes me a day or two to really feel better, but it always works

P.S. I also did Hypnobabies and loved it! In retrospect, I think I had many mental blocks that contributed to my "failed induction/failure to progress" (what horrible terms!) and subsequent C-section. I totally plan on doing Hypnobabies again for this pregnancy and using EFT to help overcome my many issues surrounding birth. Best of luck to you!

[HairyArmpits]

hugs mama, this must be so hard to go through, especially when all your emotions are in an uproar anyway. I can kinda relate, because I lost my best friend suddenly when I was 3 months pregnant last time, and had these irrational fears of loosing someone else close to me when I became pregnant again this time around. I can't offer you much advice, but wanted to make sure you've found the "Mothers Without Mothers" tribe, perhaps those mamas can help work through some of this.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ithout+mothers

[LoveChild421]

Be gentle with yourself during this time, allow the emotions to come up. I thankfully still have both parents, but I have lost someone very close to me and it helps me to talk to him and tell him how much I miss him.

Your mama may not be here physically, but I know she'll be there when your baby is born, and she's with always.