depression anxiety

[female18-]

Hi, really hoping its okay to post here. I cant say I have post-partum depression, ds is 4 years old and I was depressed before having him. I have had anxiety and depression for a few years, finally went to the doctor about it last year and am on medication.

Ive been on Celexa, Prozac and now Zoloft.

I just need to find other mothers struggling through these feelings, I feel like the only one which makes me feel worse. Is that okay to do here?

[megadoula]

My son is 18 months and I have been struggling through the same thing. I had anxiety before but it got horrible when I was pregnant and has slowly abated...sometimes.
When I was pregnant I couldn't have knives around because I could imagine them hurting me or my family. My husband left his fishing knife on the beach in my third trimester and I had such an overwhelming feeling of wanting to cut my toes off with it. I finally dug a hole and buried it.
After I had my baby I just imagined everybody dying constantly. I got on antidepressents at 3 months post partum but my mom found out and guilted me out of them. I have lost 3 jobs because I could not even answer the phone for the stress and anxiety of it.
I am doing a little better since my son is older but it still holds one. I wonder if I wouldn't be a better mother and wife if I got back on the anti depressents. I love doing homeopathic stuff but we just don't have the money. Honestly, we have trouble eating like I know we should because of money also. I was on zoloft and it did work. I just don't want to be discriminated against so I haven't done anything for it.
In short, you are not alone. I even have a sister whose son is 2 and she is hiding the antidepressants from my mom after my experience.

[female18-]

Hi megadoula, its good to hear from you!
You've had it tough. I never experienced those feelings and thoughts of wanting to harm things. I imagine it was extremely scary.

The worst I had was thoughts of suicide almost constantly, almost like an obsession. I would look up how many pills it took to do it, or buy a dvd just because one of the characters kills themselves in it. I didnt actually reach wanting to go through with it myself but the thoughts were constantly on my mind.

I struggle daily with feeling fed up, not interested in anything, content to sit in a chair staring at the walls all day, no enthusiasm for anything, no motivation at all. I feel like that every single day. I dont get chores done around the house as fast as I should then family members laugh at me saying 'what are you so busy doing that you cant even wash up?' etc, but its not that im lazy, I just feel I cant motivate myself to do ANYTHING the majority of the time. I just dont tell family much. They know im on anti depressants, my mom convinced me to see a doctor last year when I suddenly completely lost it and couldnt stop crying ALL DAY LONG. They used to be on anti depressants themselves so you would think they might be more supportive and understanding, but not unless I make it blatantly obvious I dont do much because of the depression.

Does anyone else feel like that daily???

Megadoula, to be honest I think you should go back to your doctor and try medication. Its difficult not to take personally what family members say, but your mom isnt helping you by persuading you not to get help. Would she rather see you harm yourself? Just dont tell her about it for a while. Depression and anxiety are real illnesses, that need real medication to treat. It takes a stronger person to ask for help. I put it off for years, but I can definately say im glad im trying to get better. Even if I lost it in my doctors office several times (how embarrassing).

Yesterday was the first time in so long that I actually felt good. I hardly recognised myself. But I know I wasnt always depressed when I was younger, and yesterday I was partly that person again. Im guessing the medication is starting to work better. Ive been on Zoloft 3 weeks now. I was taking it at night, the last 2 days Ive been taking it in the mornings, maybe thats made a difference too? I hope it lasts. Yesterday, and today too Im enjoying the time spent with ds rather than being in a fed up mood and having no patience with him, wanted to clean up etc. I love him so much and want to feel ok again, 'normal'. Had to share that with someone

[CountryMom2e]

I was never diagnosed with depression or anxiety but I am a recovered bulemic and I used to hit myself sometimes too for what now I realize probably was a low level depression. I was diagnosed with PPD after DS2 - classic symptoms about 6 wks post-partum - but I remain on Celexa and he is now 15 mo old. I'm not in therapy anymore as I think I am mentally in a good place but I still need the antidepressants. My shrink tells me that for me, right now, I need to be on the Celexa to function well, and that it is as if I had low thyroid and had to be on thyroid replacement meds.

I don't like people knowing I am on Celexa but it makes a difference in how I handle all the foibles and follies of my family. I made the mistake of trying to go off of them too early and I now know I need to be stable for several months before I make a change.

I also take Klonopin for anxiety now and then, and at nighttime to help with sleep problems.

Good diet and exercise make a huge difference for me, but not enough that I can be off meds right now. You know what works for you - if you are having symptoms then you should be on meds. If you don't have insurance, can you get to a free clinic?

Hang in there!