The Elephant In The Room (how do you deal?) sensative issue - Page 2

[barefoot mama]

My youngest baby was born 5 weeks after my oldest daughter died. I was absolutely terrified that my baby was going to die as well. Terrified isn't the right word. It was much more intense than that.

It was actually a blessing that my mind was not working because it prevented me from focusing on the fact that the baby arrived about 3 weeks later than we expected him to. If I had been thinking clearly, I would have been even more scared.

My dh was scared as well. He wanted me to birth in the hospital even though this was our 6th baby and 3rd UP/UC. He really didn't put up much of a fight, though.

So because of the fog I ended up having no choice but to listen to my instincts, which were the only things that felt real at the time. My instincts told me to do nothing. To do what I had planned~ birth the baby UC. So I did and I trusted that it would be fine and it was. I knew the potential of things not being fine was always there, but I knew I had to trust that this was the right thing to do even if that were the case.

If my instincts would have told me I needed some sort of assistance, I would have found it. What do your instincts say? There is nothing wrong with having a mw if that's what is meant to be for this birth and this baby. When you take the fear out of the equation, what do you feel?

[MsBlack]

I have heard it attributed to the Chinese that 'at birth, the veil between life and death is very thin.'

I like to say--birth is a life and death experience. It does put us right up to the issue of our mortality...not just the fact of death, but our fear of death...and as someone pointed out, the close cousin of that fear of death--fear of loss of control and of love.

I think to give birth at home, especially UC, one has to be willing to face that. Really, one must be ready to face death anytime, but never so much as at certain times, like at birth when that veil is indeed thin. And people largely choose the hospital, I think, NOT because their chances of experiencing death for mom or baby are less--they aren't less--but because at the hospital, under medical care, there is a sort of buffer between people and death (or disability). At least, in their minds...for they will just as surely experience grief if there is loss of life or health at the hospital, as at home. But many like to believe that at the hospital, you 'did all that could be done'...and whatever actions were taken, were at least taken by someone else and not self.

It is good to face this fear now, far better than letting it run your birth from behind the scenes. It is not that you will, or even need to, 'conquer' your fear of death/disability/loss of control or love, in order to give birth normally and without assistance. It's only that you need to know that the fear is there, and make friends with it somehow. Be aware of it, come to know how it feels in you, what it prompts you to do or not do, what you can do to keep it from running the show, how it can serve you as part of you. As the song says...where there's fear there is power.

Your power.

[flapjack]

I've been trying to find the words to answer this question, and MsBlack just used them. (Great post.) It's not an elephant in the room. Death is with us, it's part of life and none of the mothers on PABL (myself included) ever overlook that. The innocence of birth has gone for us, we KNOW that at this time, during our childbearing year, whilst we carry life within us we are closer to death than at any other time. I had to face the decision nearly eight years ago, about where to labour with my dead, premature baby. We had her at home (with a midwife) and that was indisputably the right thing to do, and felt comforting during my unassisted miscarriage with my twins earlier this year.

[Jenlaana]

I guess the reason I call it "the elephant in the room" is because for me, through 2 pregnancies, it has been something so very there for me looming at the back of every thought, every comment, every plan, and maybe slightly discussed, but mostly just not dealt with, ya know?

[mamabadger]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

I have heard it attributed to the Chinese that 'at birth, the veil between life and death is very thin.'

I like to say--birth is a life and death experience. It does put us right up to the issue of our mortality...not just the fact of death, but our fear of death...and as someone pointed out, the close cousin of that fear of death--fear of loss of control and of love.

I think to give birth at home, especially UC, one has to be willing to face that. Really, one must be ready to face death anytime, but never so much as at certain times, like at birth when that veil is indeed thin. And people largely choose the hospital, I think, NOT because their chances of experiencing death for mom or baby are less--they aren't less--but because at the hospital, under medical care, there is a sort of buffer between people and death (or disability). At least, in their minds...for they will just as surely experience grief if there is loss of life or health at the hospital, as at home. But many like to believe that at the hospital, you 'did all that could be done'...and whatever actions were taken, were at least taken by someone else and not self.

It is good to face this fear now, far better than letting it run your birth from behind the scenes.

That "buffer" exists on many levels. It can shield parents from blame if anything goes wrong, not to mention the possibility of legal action.
I knew a woman who had a stillbirth in the hospital. Later on, her sister commented that it was a good thing the parents had not gone with a home birth, because then everyone would think it was all their fault. Unfortunately, there's a lot of truth in that.

The risk of perinatal death can be reduced only to a certain point, and then no more. It will never disappear completely, no matter where or how women give birth. Ironically, obstetric medicine's efforts to eliminate death from the equation completely has not made infant death less common, only made childbirth a nightmare and caused more complications and more iatrogenic disease. Some say birth interventions even increase the likelihood of perinatal death.

[Jenlaana]

Originally Posted by mamabadger

That "buffer" exists on many levels. It can shield parents from blame if anything goes wrong, not to mention the possibility of legal action.
I knew a woman who had a stillbirth in the hospital. Later on, her sister commented that it was a good thing the parents had not gone with a home birth, because then everyone would think it was all their fault. Unfortunately, there's a lot of truth in that.

This is a big part of my fear as well. It would be immensely tough to handle loosing a newborn baby, but to face the blame of everyone around me as well would be so incredibly difficult to handle. I know that I can get past the negative comments about my successful UCs by saying "see, she's beautiful and happy and healthy...now bite me" but how could I say that if things were to go so horribly wrong, ya know? I cant even imagine what parents go through that have had a UC stillborn. What an unbelievable nightmare

[hetaera]

What an unbelievable nightmare

yeah, until you have one.
This thread, along with bad gas pains in the night made me have a horrible dream last night. (stillborn at 29 weeks)

I just wish dreams didnt seem so real!

[SublimeBirthGirl]

For me, part of UC was definitely facing the possibility of loss. I knew that it was no more likely to happen just because I was at home. I had to decide if it would somehow be harder on me if I were home without an attendant. I felt that my decision to UC was responsible and safe, so for me, the possibility of loss did not make me feel the need for an attendant. Sometimes, on a gut reaction, I'd think about it, but I always came back to the same thing: death is part of life, and if it happened I would deal with it the best I could. It would be no easier to deal with the death of a child simply because of where that child was born, at least not for me.

[MsBlack]

I agree, MamaBadger--

to some extent that buffer IS real, and useful, because all--including the cops/social services--will believe that a family who birthed in the hospital really did do all that could be done if they lose a child or have an impaired child after birth.

So yes, one must not only deal with the fear of death, and be willing to get cozy with the reality of death in life, to birth normally at home and/or unassisted. One must be willing to face *with* that, at least the potential for recriminations from self or others, and at worst, legal or social services action against oneself at the worst possible time (whether or not it could be proven that hospital or just mw assistance could have prevented death/impairment).

For that reason, I suppose, UC DOES take more guts than other ways of birthing.

[leakyandsnort]

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