Mamma drama

[Sabo]

So we have family drama. Dh and I saw my mom this weekend and she has been quietly unsupportive of our choice to have a homebirth ever since I happily found a homebirth midwife. I guess that at one point she made a comment to dh, (probably thinking that she was funny) about how he should call her when I can't handle it anymore and decide to go to the hospital. Dh is very supportive and said, "That's not gonna happen," but he was boiling.

I sent my mom a thank you card for the shower she planned just the other day and made a comment along the lines of calling her "after our successful homebirth, which is only possible with the love and support of those who believe in my ability to do it." She left a message for me today that said that she'd like to be called when I'm in labor, just so she can get excited and be kept in the loop, referring to the message in the thank you card. I was all upset, b/c she didn't even get it! I was trying to get her to see how she needed to be supportive and she missed the message entirely. So I called my dh and he tells me that he sent my mom an e-mail yesterday. Apparently, she hasn't opened it yet, b/c it was HARSH.

He basically said that she shouldn't be saying things like she did the other day, especially when I am within earshot and said that it was childish. He said that she should be supportive of me and the educated choices that I have made for myself and our baby and that if she couldn't be, she would not be hearing about it when the baby is born. . . or something like that. I know that he was just being protective of me, but now I don't know what to do.

My mom is super-sensitive, so she will probably believe that we won't call her. But, for such a sensitive person, she sometimes says very insensitive things. Anyway, I just don't know if we should call her in reference to this debacle or what we should say if we did call.

Wow, that's a long post. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

[danotoyou2]

Ahh, mother's and their babies having babies... I really wish we could all just stop being daughters for about 2 months so we don't have to deal with this stuff! I mean, our mother's can be great with helping out and all, but the emotional drama is just too much sometimes!

If it were me, I'd wait until the baby was born to call. You can always say "Gee mom, it happened so fast, I didn't have a chance to call!"

Because my mother lives over 2 hours away, I had planned on calling her only when I started pushing (well, DH would call her then). I knew she'd head out the door as soon as she got the call, but I figured that way she wouldn't be lurking during my labor, and would get there soon after to see the baby. Now we're using her to watch our son, which will keep her occupied in another way. She'll take him to a hotel to wait, and once the baby is born, they'll both come over.

Sometimes you just have to get creative to keep the peace.

Also, my husband keeps reminding me... we're hormonal pregnant women, and everyone expects us to "lose it" at least once. So if you go off on an emotional tanget to your mom, she'll forgive you. Especially since you're having her grandchild. It's worth a few points!

I hope this gets resolved quick. This stuff is never any fun.

[PiePie]

YUCK! My mom is unsupportive of my decision to birth with a MW rather than an OB and is convinced I won't be able to take drug-free birth. (I do not have great history with pain tolerance.) I am definitely not contacting them until it's all over.

[PiePie]

We had a debacle over co-sleeping and I decided not to call them. They (my dad, mouthpiece for my mother when my mother knows I'm mad at her) called me. Well apparently the fact that I went off on them about co-sleeping made my mother make her peace with it. It was totally worth it! And it made me feel better too!!

[dctexan]

Alexis - Sorry your mom isn't supporting your HB Just remember that all of us here on MDC support you and trust in your ability to make the best birthing choices for yourself and for your baby!

Just remember that someone else opinion (even your mom's), is just that...an opinion. It has no reflection on what you can and cannot do. I realize you WANT your mom's support in this, but you need to remember that she is her own person and entitled to her own opinions (she isn't actively trying to stop your HB right? She just doesn't think it's a good choice or "doable" for whatever reason). Since she isn't going to be there for the birth and she isn't once of your chosen support team members, who really cares what she thinks? In the end, SHE isn't going to care either. Instead, what she is going to be focusing on is the fact that YOU, her daughter, gave birth to her grandchild. The where and how will matter much more to you than to your mom.

So, I think your Dh probably need to apologize for his email (um, hello? do men get hormonal as well, because that seemed like SUCH a mama bear thing to do ). It sounds like it was a little harsh and a bit of an overreaction. Second YOU need to talk to your mom and explain that if she can't be positive or support your choice to birth at home, you would rather that she not discuss it with you or around you because the negativity is hurtful. Finally, I totally would call her when you are in labor. It sounds like she is excited for you and it just seems really petty and spiteful to keep her out of the loop just because she isn't supportive of your HB. Who really cares if she says something like, "don't be afraid to go to the hospital when the pain get bad". Whatever. Just ignore that part and focus on the fact that your mom is excited for you and wants you to be okay.

HTH!

[Cullens_Girl]

Not in your DDC, but I have a secret...

My mother was completely unsupportive of my ability to have a natural birth with #1. I failed and I feel like the entire time she was thinking "I told you so" when I wound up with a c-section...

So this go-round... nobody is getting a call until the baby is a week old. We are going to tell my MIL so that she can come be with DS during the birth, but that's it.

[PiePie]

Originally Posted by dctexan

Finally, I totally would call her when you are in labor. It sounds like she is excited for you and it just seems really petty and spiteful to keep her out of the loop just because she isn't supportive of your HB. Who really cares if she says something like, "don't be afraid to go to the hospital when the pain get bad". Whatever. Just ignore that part and focus on the fact that your mom is excited for you and wants you to be okay.

HTH!

a different take: i feel like i want to surround myself only with the most supportive people while in labor. so if that means cloistering myself from you-can't-do-it vibes until after the birth, so be it. no one is entitled to a call!! if anything i would err on the side of calling fewer folks because you don't want to feel like a watched pot.

[danotoyou2]

Originally Posted by PiePie

a different take: i feel like i want to surround myself only with the most supportive people while in labor. so if that means cloistering myself from you-can't-do-it vibes until after the birth, so be it. no one is entitled to a call!! if anything i would err on the side of calling fewer folks because you don't want to feel like a watched pot.

:

[dctexan]

Originally Posted by PiePie

a different take: i feel like i want to surround myself only with the most supportive people while in labor. so if that means cloistering myself from you-can't-do-it vibes until after the birth, so be it. no one is entitled to a call!! if anything i would err on the side of calling fewer folks because you don't want to feel like a watched pot.

I completely agree! But come on, this is her mom. Presumably, Alexis has a good relationship with her mom (I don't recall reading anything to the contrary. NOTE - if the relationship is on shaky ground to begin with and this lack of support, snippy comment thing is an on-going issue than my advice would be to NOT call). I think mom's DO deserve special consideration. Just think for a second how YOU would feel if you were the grandmother. Imagine Pie, that YOU have a daughter and she is planning on having a scheduled c-sec (that you don't support or think she should be having, but it's what your daughter wants and choses to do). You still love your daughter very much. You still worry about her and feel joy that she is about to become a mom herself. Wouldn't you want a call be made to you giving you the heads up that labor is in progress? Calling the grandmother to be doesn't mean you have to constantly update her. Just give a heads up "Alexis is in labor. We will call you when we have more news or the baby is born." Then turn the phones on mute or take them off the hook. No need to deal with others until you are ready.

[chlobo]

We knew my mom would be unsupportive of a homebirth so decided not to tell her. After the birth she admitted that she would only have worried if we had told her. Then yesterday, she starts lecturing me about the dangers of homebirth, even though we had already successfully had ours. It was complete with the usual anecdotal stories of home birth horrors, rather than any real research.

Sigh.

Anyhow, hugs to you. I wish you a speedy, peaceful birth. Hopefully your mom will be just delighted once the new baby arrives.

[momuveight2B]

Well, I'm a mom and my oldest daughter is 27 and I am also pregnant and giving birth this week and will need to call my own mom who is not real good at being supportive.

I think you should call your mom and good, bad or indifferent keep her in the loop. I am sure she is nervous for you and is not expressing that as well as she could be.

I wouldn't risk causing hurt during a time that should be joy filled. She will always be your mom and the grandma to your children. Try to be at peace and don't take everything she says right now too personally.

[Sabo]

Thank you everyone for the input. I never intended to NOT call her, but I was concerned that when I did, she would make it into a big thing of "being in the safest place . . . what if something goes wrong . . ." etc. I spoke with her this evening and said just that, that when I call, she is not allowed to throw any of her negativity about the homebirth into it. I still don't know if she's seen dh's e-mail, but I told him that he should probably send her another e-mail, not apologizing for his belief that she should be more supportive or stay quiet, but to apologize for how raw his message was. Of course, who knows if he'll do that.

[Stacymama]

I'm not in your DDC, but wanted to tell you my very simular story.
I was pregnant with DC#1 and was nervous about having a homebirth for my first, so just thought I would do the hospital route for the 1st child and then have a homebirth for my second.
About 7 months into it I decided to switch (once I relized I should just stop worrying and trust God and my body)
My husband's family all have homebirths so that side was covered. My mom and dad are very medically oriented and homebirth wasn't even a thought let alone an option.
My mom wanted to be there for the birth SOOO bad but was very leary, nervous and scared.
I layed the ground rules with her.....no unsupportive, negative talk in my house PLEASE.
She was so good and after she SAW the birth, and I guess compared it to her own experience, she was SOLD and was passing out my midwife's business cards from then on. I'm pregnant now with #3 and she wouldn't consider me ever doing anywhere but at home.
I bet ALOT of her reservations about a homebirth are her just being scared and nervous for her baby (you) that honestly was my mom's deal.
I hope you do what's best for you and your family and pray it's exactly everything you want your birth to be. :