Questions about Only Children

[LuxPerpetua]

What factors led to your decision to have an only child? How old is your child, and do you think that your child is happy with your family dynamic?

I'm an only myself (and have always loved it) and we're considering letting dd remain an only. I'd love to hear more from moms who've "been there done that" to see what influenced this decision. Everyone seems to think I'm an oddity and I'd love to feel less isolated.

Also, do you think you will ever reconsider adding a sibling at some point? What factors, in your opinion, would need to be in place for this to happen?

[lisalou]

What factors led to your decision to have an only child? It started with not wanting to go through what I went through with my pregnancy again, then finances kicked in and then we bought a house with only 2 bedrooms. At some point along with way we realized we really liked having only one child. We did start out thinking we'd want 2.

How old is your child, and do you think that your child is happy with your family dynamic? She'll be 4 in a couple of weeks. And she seems very happy being an only. She's very independent.

Also, do you think you will ever reconsider adding a sibling at some point? I don't think so. Occasionally I wonder if she's like a sibling. But then I take a good look at our finances and how she is as a child and know that it wouldn't actually improve our lot to have another child.

What factors, in your opinion, would need to be in place for this to happen? DD is very portable, easy to travel with - a joy even, sleeps through the night and plays well by herself. She gets socialization with other kids through daycare and now preschool. DH and I both worry we'd ruin a good thing by having another kid. Something would have to happen to convince me otherwise.

[EnviroBecca]

I first considered having an only child when a previous boyfriend mentioned his desire to do so. (Oddly enough, I heard from him a while back, and he has two kids now!) He made some good points about the emotional and financial work of raising kids, the reduced attention each child gets when there are siblings, and the stress that sibling rivalry puts on all members of the family. We broke up, but the idea that one child might be enough stuck with me.

EnviroDaddy is an only child and always has been happy about it.

I'm concerned about population growth. While I don't think everyone should have just one child--diversity is valuable--I think it's a good idea for a lot of people to stop at one or two. Several of my cousins have >2 kids, so there's no risk of my family dying out!

I read Maybe One by Bill McKibben, which explains how onlies fare the same as or better than kids with siblings.

We had trouble conceiving, and it became very stressful for us. We don't want to go through that again! Pregnancy was not so easy on me, either.

Now that we have a child, EnviroDaddy and I feel just short of overwhelmed. We don't know how we could handle two!

EnviroKid is two-and-a-half now and has expressed no desire for a sibling. He loves playing with other kids, but he doesn't seem to mind that none of them live in our house.

If we have a surprise pregnancy, we'll probably decide it was meant to be, but we are not going to "try" for another baby. The only thing that makes me wish for another is that I always wanted a daughter, and I have a son...but I worry that if I had a second child and it was a girl, I'd be so excited that I wouldn't be fair to my son anymore. Probably I am more mature than that, and I love him so much that I'm not sure how a girl could be better than him, but I worry about it anyway and about the larger question of being fair to both children. I'm the older of two and feel that my parents (both firstborns) sometimes went overboard in resisting their urge to side with me and consequently let my brother get away with things he shouldn't have. As adults, my brother and I get along very well, and there were times as a kid that I enjoyed having a sibling, but overall I feel it was a mixed bag and I could easily have become the person I am without having a sibling.

[fritz]

Pre-kids, DH and I always thought 2 would be a good number (I'm the youngest of 2--hated my older brother for the first half of my life; DH's the oldest of 7--6 of which are boys). Had a wonderful pregnancy, and ended up with a high needs baby. DS's 28mos now, and still more high needs than the average kid, but less so than when he was younger. Our family feels complete with just one child...and there's no way DH could survive having even less of my attention than he does now (and he's pretty much got only a sliver of it as is), which is what would happen if we had another baby. So between DH feeling completely ignored, and my existing son feeling ignored (which does tend to happen when another baby is added to the mix), there would be way too much stress and unhappiness (and probably a whole lot of acting out from our son) in our family. Not worth it to us.

Our son is a very happy child. He hasn't experienced life with siblings, so he has nothing to compare it to, but he thrives on having my undivided attention. And I love being able to give him that precious gift.

We'd never consider adding another kid to the family. I mean, if I got pregnant, we'd welcome the addition with open arms, but we're trying to prevent pregnancy here.

If having an only works for your family--keep it that way! Why let peer pressure decide whether or not you have more kids? You're the ones raising/nurturing/paying for your offspring, so it's entirely your decision. If others have issues with that, then it's their issues, not yours! Besides, there's no way to guarantee that possible future children would get along or even like each other. It's always a bit of a crap shoot.

My brother was 4 when I was born, and he hated me for living. I had the bruises to prove it, too. I used to wish my brother had never been born b/c he made me so miserable. I'm over it now, and we get along fine without physical violence, but I really don't have many good memories from my childhood that involve my brother, and we definitely aren't close as adults.

[mistymama]

My child is 4.5, he'll be 5 in November. So far, he's an onlie and I don't see adding to our family in the near future, maybe never.

There are many factors ... finances being one of them. I can't see where we could afford to send any more kids to private school, and that's very important to me. Plus I started a real estate business a year ago and it's finally taking off, having another child to me means having a baby with me pretty much 24/7 and I can't imagine doing that right now. Plus, as my son gets older life is getting so easy! He goes to preschool while I work, we get to sleep in on weekends, he's old enough to love having a babysitter sometimes so we actually get nights out again! It's not too expensive to travel because we can afford 3 tickets easier than 4 or 5 ...

But I was raised in a big, loving family. My sisters are my best friends. Sometimes I feel guilty that I might rob DS of that experience. That, and my fiance is adopting my son, but some days I think it would be wonderful to have a child with him and get the chance to experience birth, infancy, etc with him .. my son was a toddler when he came into our lives.

[karlin]

What factors led to your decision to have an only child?

Well, I don't think DH and I thought past having one until people started asking us when we were going to have another. I had a m/c before getting pregnant with my son, and I was on bedrest for 3 months with that terrible complicated pregnancy. The stress of it all was really too much to go through again. Plus, my DS didn't sleep through the night until he was 3, so I didn't even feel sane enough to have another. Like a pp mentioned, I am pretty overwhelmed with just one, and he's mostly a breeze these days.

How old is your child, and do you think that your child is happy with your family dynamic?

My DS will be 4 in 3 weeks. We love being a family of three. I know my DS would like kids to play with more often, I'm sure he'd hate to have to share all his things and parents all the time. DS just walked in the room and I asked him, and he said he's happy just being us.

Also, do you think you will ever reconsider adding a sibling at some point?

In fact, we did for about 2 weeks, but then we reconsidered. DH had a vasectomy in April, so now it's certain. We're very happy with that decision. SO I guess the answer is biologically, no.

What factors, in your opinion, would need to be in place for this to happen?

Well, because of the afforementioned vasectomy...a miracle.

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by LuxPerpetua

What factors led to your decision to have an only child? How old is your child, and do you think that your child is happy with your family dynamic?

I'm an only myself (and have always loved it) and we're considering letting dd remain an only. I'd love to hear more from moms who've "been there done that" to see what influenced this decision. Everyone seems to think I'm an oddity and I'd love to feel less isolated.

Also, do you think you will ever reconsider adding a sibling at some point? What factors, in your opinion, would need to be in place for this to happen?

Becoming a newmomy hit me like a ton of bricks. The responsibility was completely overwhelming for me the first year. We knew immediately we didn't want to have any more kids. ZERO desire. I battled PPD without medication for 2 years and DH and I had or have no family support.

We are in complete agreement with the decision to have 1 child. Having another child would be irresponsible *for us*.

DS was colicy until 8months old and at the Age of 4 he is now what we call our "Spirited Child" He is the type of child who needs LOTS and LOTS of attention.

Do I think he is happy with our family dynamic? Absolutely. And I can tell because DH and I keep his sister's kids (Ages 2 and 6) for the weekend and oh my goodness! The figting over this and that drives me insane. By Sunday, DS is ready for them to go home! He's excited when they arrive but after he learns they aren't going home, he starts getting stressed and becomes aggressive...and a bit possessive.

And no, DH and I will never ever consider having another child. That book is shut closed. Completely. We are 200% sure of having an Only. My neice and nephew are our "adoptive kids" per say and DS has tons of cousins that he is growing up with.

You aren't odd at all. I see a baby, I don't even want to hold it! I just shudder and think to myself how glad I am to be past the whole newborn/infant stage <shudder>

[jessma]

This is a great thread, which I need to re-read at a more leisurely pace. DH and I just had our first, and are really struggling with this issue. People say take your time, take your time, but since I'm 36 already, we really need to decide in about a year. There are times I really want a second, but most of the time, I just feel that way because I don't want to deprive DS of a sibling. I keep thinking that we can do so much more for DS if he is an only. Plus, although I adore my sibs, I know so many people who don't. : I'm just trying to work it all out.

[devster4fun]

This tribe has lots of good ideas and thoughts.

I'll come back to answer your questions later...toddler waking up!!

[Roar]

The colic that never ended started it. As time went on it just seemed right to stick with one. I'm very glad we did. We are happy devote our resources (financial, emotional, physical) to one kid and be able to do it the way we want to. Our family is calm and cozy in a way that feels comfortable to all of us.

[lisac77]

Originally Posted by newmommy

Becoming a newmomy hit me like a ton of bricks. The responsibility was completely overwhelming for me the first year. We knew immediately we didn't want to have any more kids. ZERO desire. I battled PPD without medication for 2 years and DH and I had or have no family support.

Newmommy, again I marvel at how similar our situations are. I also suffered with untreated PPD for many years. My son cried all the time as a baby (he had reflux and then horrible teething pains). He didn't sleep through the night until he was more than 3 years old.

I still haven't recovered from his infancy and he is 4 now! We are facing yet another parenting challenge - potty training - that is driving me insane.

Due to that, I have literally zero desire for another child.

However, I do feel GUILTY about not having another one, because I have such a good relationship with my brother and sisters. If I had a perfect situation and plenty of money and a really, really supportive partner I might be convinced to try again. But the odds of that are so low it's not even worth contemplating.

[LuxPerpetua]

Wow. I'm amazed at how many of your stories resonate personally with my own experience. Our dd (now 20 months) was (and still is!) over-the-moon high needs. Our first year was pure hell--terrible colic, food sensitivities (which meant a very restricted diet for me), sleep issues, etc. I know you understand that I adore my daughter and I wouldn't trade her for the world but woof! I can't do that again! I honestly get twinges of jealousy when I see new moms who have cooey babies who smile at everyone (and sleep anywhere!) because that just wasn't my experience. And of course, not only did dd hate the sling (which seems to be a cure-all recommendation on most AP boards) but she also hated the bouncy seat, the swing, the stroller, the carseat, you name it. At 20 months, she sleeps in 1-2 hour increments at night and on a good night she just nurses back to sleep (on a bad night, we're up for 1-2 hours in the middle of the night) and she is a very sensitive teether. I'm glad to know that most of your kids are easier at age 4. That gives me hope that at some point she'll sleep!

As I said, I am an only myself, so whenever people start yapping about onlies being spoiled, lonely, or whatever, I know how untrue that is. I'm glad to hear from you other moms of onlies. It seems like all of us have had some difficulty at some level (be it conceiving or having a high needs baby), and it's nice to see that I'm not a "wimp" for feeling like I can't handle going through the baby thing again. Sometimes other moms make me feel like that--but I also bet their babies were never super high needs, either.

And to newmommy, my heart truly goes out to you. I have also had untreated PPD but my parents have (and do) help me out a lot. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been without them. You are an amazing woman! Honestly, I'm in awe.

[karina5]

Marking this thread to check in later.

[RubyWild]

Originally Posted by LuxPerpetua

What factors led to your decision to have an only child? How old is your child, and do you think that your child is happy with your family dynamic?

Also, do you think you will ever reconsider adding a sibling at some point? What factors, in your opinion, would need to be in place for this to happen?

We waited until we were older to have a child. I thought we might have a second, but we just haven't wanted to. I like having more freedom. One child just seems perfect. My Dd definitely doesn't want a sibling. I don't know how she'll feel when she's grown.

As far as having another, nothing is going to make me want to. I thought I might be pregnant not very long ago and was completely freaked out. I was very relieved when I wasn't pregnant.

[SneakyPie]

It wasn't exactly a decision, it just has felt right to us since our son came along. We can't ever be 100% sure, but it seems to work for us.

[onlyzombiecat]

What factors led to your decision to have an only child?
Dh and I felt happy with our family size. We felt that one child was what we could handle emotionally, physically, mentally and financially.

How old is your child, and do you think that your child is happy with your family dynamic?
Dd is 7 and is happy with our family size.

Also, do you think you will ever reconsider adding a sibling at some point?
I doubt it. We are really happy with our family size and have no desire to have another baby.
What factors, in your opinion, would need to be in place for this to happen?
Probably dd being much older and dh and I adopting or a family member dying and their child desperately needing a home. Dh had a vasectomy and I don't think he would want to reverse it. I think we'd be happier to bring an older child into our family rather than a baby.

[treqi]

dd might be an only I really do want a second but not untill shes 5-7 and ALOT might change between now and then. I think about it alot but because dd is soooooo easy I will probablly have another. From reading this thread the 2 main factors are the ease of Fertility/Pregnancy and High Needs Babe/ Toddler.

[lisalou]

I find it a little funny that some reason are because the first is a high needs child. (no offense intended at all) I think for us if dd had been high needs we probably would have a 2nd to have more hands on deck. My mother has said in recent years that I (the oldest) turned out so well they thought they'd have another and then they had my sister and realized they needed to stop. (this is said in good fun of course) But our fear has been that dd is such a good child and so easy if we had a second they would be the opposite of her.

[Yooper]

What factors led to your decision to have an only child?

Having a child was a HUGE adjustment for me. I think dh would be happy to have more if he were married to someone else. But he knows living with me with ZERO sleep for 4 years (dd STILL does not sleep through the night) is not fun. Honestly, lack of sleep if the number one issue. Pregnancy was fine, labor was fine, having a child around is fine. Not sleeping has seriously messed me up. There were entire months that I could not even drive a car due to severe sleep deprivation. I have no idea how people can fathom doing that more than once. Granted dd was and is a terrible sleeper by anyone's standards. And I know the next one could be the opposite. But the key word here is "could". I am not taking that chance.

Also, we spend much of our free time doing activities that are adaptable for one child but would be difficult for more. We like to backpack, cc ski, bike ride (more than just around the block), travel, etc...... We are just starting to get back into this stuff as dd is becoming more interested. I am not sure we would ever go backpacking again is we started out with another infant.

And frankly, I feel busy enough attending to my household and child as is. I am a sahm but still find ways to keep myself completely busy each day. I would not want to go back to the infant days when cooking from scratch and having a nice garden was practically impossible.

How old is your child, and do you think that your child is happy with your family dynamic?

Dd is 4. I think she is very happy. She does say she wants a sibling and I do feel really bad when we are at the park and she is alone and bored. She really likes other kids. Since we are unschooling and I usually do not have a car, interaction with other kids is rare. So, I wish I could change that, but I do not think having another kid is going to solve that problem seeing as dd would be 5 before we could even produce another one

Also, do you think you will ever reconsider adding a sibling at some point?

Not biologically. Dh is planning on getting a vasectomy soon and until then we are very very careful. We have discussed adopting an older child down the road, but I suspect that it is unlikely as our house size and lifestyle would likely not make us good candidates.


What factors, in your opinion, would need to be in place for this to happen?

If we knew of a child that needed a family, I am sure we would step in. We are also still pretty young. While terribly unlikely, I will not completely say that 10 or 15 years down the road, we might not want to have another.

[waiflywaif]

RubyWild's response resonates with me: we just don't want another! My daughter is 4.5, we've thought and thought about another but if I'm honest with myself the desire just isn't there. Siblings can be great (or not-so-great), but I don't agree with bringing children into the world just for the sibling reason. With our daughter, we really wanted to be parents, but that desire is no longer there. We love her and we're happy with our family size.

The logistical and financial aspects are secondary, but also present. We live in a large city and we go out to eat, to cultural events, and on overseas vacation with ease. We also feel secure that we'll have no trouble paying for any college she wants to attend.