Non-AP family members? (a little long) - Page 3

[thebarkingbird]

I think I am right, and they are wrong, or I wouldn't have chosen to do things the so much harder way (in my opinion, harder). I believe this way is better and is morally
right.

i think the martyred mother is morally wrong. i can think of nothing more emotionally abusive than children knowing that mommy gave up time and many of her own goals (that's what it boils down to. there are only so many hours in a day and even those evil mothers who do things the "easy" way are strapped for time. when does the perfect AP or whatever style parent get to pursue goals separate from thinking about her kids) in order to go about things "the harder way" so that they might turn out to agree with her morally and ethically. assuming that any kind of parenting can build a little copycat of my views on such important issues as to when violence is and is not appropriate or how to evaluate the worth of other human beings is something i cannot do. goal driven parenting seems to be something that could make a kid much angrier and more aggressive than any practice i know of short of consistent whippings and authoritarian (not authoritative) discipline. how will a child feel if she grows up to think something radically different from her parents and knows that everything about the way she was parented centered around making her into something different than what she is? will the child not have turned out "right" if she thinks that violence is ok in some circumstances? if she grows to work with the Norse pantheon? will a grown child believe (correctly or incorrectly) that mom and dad can't love her the same as if she'd had the decency to soak up the moral lessons foisted upon her at every turn? seems an odd thing to turn something begun by fee thinking non conformists (AP) and apply it to small scale social engineering.

to say that we will parent gently in order to force our children's moral development as if they were bonsai seems a bit counterintuitive. i choose to use many AP practices in my life because i like my kid and i like spending time with him. it helps me form a closer bond and allows me to do things like get more sleep and be more lazy than say, someone who chooses to walk the cold floors at 3 am in search of formula. the whole AP thing is for ME. it helps ME be a better mom. it's a setup that helps ME keep my cool in tense situations and manage to form tight bonds. it helps ME maintain a flow to MY life that allows ME to be happy about seeing my son. whatever and whoever my son wants to be is entirely up to him. i just do the laundry and give the hugs.

===

to the OP yeah, it's crap for someone to strike a small infant, or any other child for that matter, but how will she ever hear your voice if you come crashing down on her about every little thing. maybe you just needed space to vent here. that makes sense. i just think that parents do alot of stupid, sad things when they feel desperately afraid. parenting twins your first time out is likely quite intimidating. people badger you with info and tell horror stories of how you will never get sleep or sex or a decent meal or haircut again. these are important things. perhaps if you talk to her about how AP is conducive to mom getting sleep and sex and decent haircuts and time to read a book even she will understand that you are coming from a place of love. if you think she is doing some forceful things out of a sense of duty perhaps you can help her to see that there is a way out of feeling as though she has to be so rough w/ the kids. the number 1 complain i hears about parenting from the stricter parents i know is that they hate hate hate "having" to punish their kids. offer her a way out.

[Genesis]

Some of the things being said in this thread are unbelievable. I don't even know why some of you are here.

[sonrisaa29]

I think its great that you and your cousin talked about all that stuff before she was due, but sometimes (especially with one child so I can't imagine two) once you have a child what you agreed with on paper seems hard to connect with when dealing with two crying children, and proably PPD.

If it was me, I would call her and ask her to lunch just you and her.Come at it from an angle where you are concerned about her and what you can do to help. Maybe she doesn't realize blanket training was/is wrong in your eyes?

I don't really know that much about blanket training, but I know as a first time mom who had PPD, and if I had two children to take care of I'd be at my wits end. I am not saying that its right that she does what she does with the blanket training, but maybe she is overwhelmed?

I'd also suggest that your husband take her husband out for a drink, dinner etc, and have a talk as well.

I'd like to add too, that if she just won't listen to your facts and figures. Why not just be a good example and just be there for her when she needs you.

Out of curiousity are you sure they didn't pick up their childern when they stayed with y'all during the night? we took our ds to texas when he was couple of months old and because of time differences and traveling and other mintue things he'd scream half the night whether I was holding him or not.

[greeny]

tell her you felt blindsided by her choice to reject the AP approach after you'd put in so much effort to introduce her to the ideas and concepts, and had thought she was receptive to those ideas and concepts.

But this makes it seem like it's all about OP. It's not. It's about the mom and her babies. It is her right to make her own choices about parenting. Others can offer suggestions, books, literature, advice, etc. But when it comes down to it, it's her choice, and she should not feel obligated to apologize or offer an explanation to people whose advice she did not follow. She doesn't owe anyone anything. (Except her babies. And again, I do not condone hitting or blanket training at all. But many of the other choices she made are not horrible.)

Because on top of it all (trying to get used to having twins, getting sleep, working, etc.) she should not have to worry about explaining her parenting choices to others.

[erin_d_a]

But this makes it seem like it's all about OP. It's not. It's about the mom and her babies. It is her right to make her own choices about parenting. Others can offer suggestions, books, literature, advice, etc. But when it comes down to it, it's her choice, and she should not feel obligated to apologize or offer an explanation to people whose advice she did not follow. She doesn't owe anyone anything. (Except her babies. And again, I do not condone hitting or blanket training at all. But many of the other choices she made are not horrible.)

Because on top of it all (trying to get used to having twins, getting sleep, working, etc.) she should not have to worry about explaining her parenting choices to

:

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by KJoslyn78

i am sorry - but all the info i could find i posted - i didnt know it included this

please don't take my post as anything more then posting found info - it's not something we here follow (or that i even heard of before yesterday)

oh I know! It can be really hard to find the truth behind such rosy terms as "blanket training" so just wanted to clarify.

[lindsay_mommaof3]

Thank-you so much everyone for taking the time to reply to my post/vent. I honestly did not mean to create such a stir here, I just needed (as one of the other posters suggested) a place to vent and get some things of my chest with other AP parents. I really did not mean to start an argument.

Now as for some of the things in my original post. First of all, I NEVER meant to offend any of the mothers (or fathers) who have placed their children in daycare . I understand that some people have to work and need childcare and daycare and such, and I have no issue whatsoever with daycare or people placing their children in childcare. My issue is with my cousin, choosing to return to work after only 7 days because thought that staying home all day was "boring" It is not a money issue with them. They own (free and clear) a house that cost close to a seven-figure price, a summer home, expensive cars, they are always traveling and they have a maid. So for them I know it is not a matter of money or a childcare issue. My cousin even told me that she doesn't know how I can stand being a SAHM because it is "boring" and she said they were considering hiring a nanny, but then she would still be around them all the time and never have any space. The kids (one week old at the time) were put in daycare for sometimes 10 hours a day. I offered to babysit, as my boys are older and would help me take care of them, or for the two of us to spend days together with all the kids, and that was when she made the comment about staying at home being boring. I just believe that those boys need their parents at such a young age (seven days old) especially their mother. I cannot understand parents wanting to be away from their children for more then half the day, especially when they are so young. they need to bond with their parents, and that no one is that important that they cannot choose to put off their work (if they have a choice like my cousin) for at least a little while

When we got the argument that ended with us not speaking anymore, it wasn't like I just kicked her out. They said they were leaving at the same time I asked them to leave. Thats the reason as I wrote it as me throwing her out/slash/her leaving. I had told her about the no hitting rule under or roof and her and her husband said too bad, that we cannot tell them how to parent just because they are out guests. When my DH said again that hitting is unacceptable she said "well then we are leaving" and I said something like "good because I am kicking you out"

For the crying it out : I am 100% sure that they did not check on the twins during the night. My DH and I had given up our master bedroom for them, because it is bigger then each of our sons rooms, and we thought they would want to be close to the twins. They chose instead to place the twins one of my sons rooms (My sons were all sleeping the basement with two of my other cousins...whom they call their favorite uncles...kind of like a camp-out in the basement) The twins were in a room to the left of us, and they were crying all night, and from the room we were in we could see the doorway of the master bedroom when the door was open, and they did not come out once all night and the twins were crying so loud that they could be heard in the kitchen when my sons came up for drinks/snacks.

I did invite my cousin to get together (through my mother) soon after we fought, however my cousin said that she doesn't want to meet unless I first admit that her parenting methods are just as good as mine. When she was staying at my place before we got in the fight I asked her why she went so far from AP parenting and she said if she co-slept, and trying babywearing and other AP stuff then she did want the kids to become too attached to her because then when she wanted time to herself she didn't want to have to have two "high needs, co-dependent" babies. As far as I know her parents/husband are supportive. Her DH came to some of the LLL stuff, and said it was great, and her parents brought her a book on AP parenting stuff and told her that "breast is best" (her mother bf'ed her for almost 2 years) They all say that it is up to her how she mothers, and her DH told me they talked about it and that he supports the choices they made together.

Once again, thank-you for reading my posts and taking the time to reply. I am sorry if I offended anyone, and I did not mean to come across as rude or intolerant or ignorant, it was just that things like CIO and blanket training were such a shock to me, especially when my cousin was so receptive to AP parenting at first, and approached me and asked me all kinds of questions. I didn't meant to judge anyone else's parenting choices here, and I certainly did not want to start a fight or anything.

[ginadc]

One-week-olds in day care? Really? Where in the world is this? Maybe I'm naive, but I've never heard of a day care that even accepts infants younger than six weeks.

[treqi]

I'm really suprised by some of the posts... jeez she was ust venting. Your cousin really does sond selfish and I really feel for you. I know the feeling of excitement of your friend/ family being pregnant and you are there with love, suppourt and resources and then they decide its not for them its really a slap in the face and a big letdown to have someone onboard with all sorts of gentle parenting and then the babe/s are born and its a toally different stiuation. I'm sorry that your vent was not well recived and 's to those babes