I'm having potty trauma . . .

[Adasmommy]

I feel like our potty problems are different from most, but I could be wrong.

My daughter is going to be three years old in a few weeks. She has been physically advanced her whole life, walking early, having more child proportions than baby proportions, etc. Perhaps this set me up to be disappointed with her potty progress!

I'm not sure of the timeline, so I'm going to guess. I have been taking her to the potty or toilet since she was months old. I really enjoyed it when she was a baby and she seemed to also. She wore a diaper and used it anytime I didn't get her to the toilet (not infrequently) and that was all fine.

Unfortunately, we still seem to be at this stage of potty training now! Maybe a year ago I decided to just ditch the diapers, put her in panties, and that I would have to be diligent in taking her to the toilet every half hour to an hour and after a week of only going in the toilet (and the occasional messy accident) she would be potty trained and would be doing it herself. Um, no.

A year later, nothing's changed (although we have good days and worse days). This month I offered to get her something she really wants as a big girl reward when she potty trains. She was enthusiastic but I'm not sure she really understands the condition involved. Maybe she thought she would get it after using the toilet once? I'm not sure, but it's not going well, and I feel like the biggest problem is that I can't communicate with her about it. Her verbal skills are super advanced but I'm not sure that her comprehension skills are up to concepts like "When you pee and poop in the toilet every time and not in your clothes or on the floor, then you will get your present."

I've considered putting her back in diapers, though I would HATE to do that, but I don't think she'll keep them on. I can't even keep her panties on half the time because she's a cat or a bird and they don't wear panties :

This results in my having to clean poop off the floor, her legs, AND the couch (this morning, for example) as well as cleaning up a lot of pee accidents (thank god we don't have carpets). I started yesterday having her help me clean up by spraying vinegar and wiping it with a towel after I've removed the pee.

Then again, two days ago I went looking to see where she was being so quiet for so long and found she had taken herself to the toilet and was pooping, without ever mentioning it to me, and without getting poop anywhere else on the way! I was so proud. I panicked slightly internally asking myself, "Do I cheer and make a big deal of it, or treat it casually???" and went with my husband's advice of telling her she did a great job and I was proud of her and leaving it at that.

Since then, it's been misses everywhere. I know I OUGHT to be patient and wait for her to be ready and I make a new resolution along those lines daily, but I am cleaning up a lot of accidents and it's stressing me out. That and the not understanding why she's not potty trained. Is she trying, does she care, does she notice? I just can't tell and can't get straight answers from her on this!:

Okay, I'm offering my problem up to you all . . . anyone want to advise me on making the potty training effective? I know I'm opening myself up to criticism too, but if it helps, I'll take it!

[hippymomma69]

I don't know if this helps but my DD just potty trained at just past 3.5. I just sort of waited it out and then all of a sudden she was ready....and within about a month was fully potty trained.

So it may be that she is getting ready to potty train but just isn't ready yet....or maybe she could use some peer pressure? That really helped my DD - we were around another little boy on a visit and she saw him going potty all the time and then she wanted to also. Are there any little kids you can be around that are already trained that might get her to do it too?

Also putting the little potty in front of a mirror helped alot too - she liked to watch herself on the potty.

And the "potty" videos helped too....

Try to be patient. It sounds like she IS making progress. I would probably keep my kid in pull-ups until I was really sure they were ready to go commando - just for my own sanity! LOL

don't worry, it sounds like she is just a "late bloomer" but that she is getting ready to do it!

good luck
peace,
robyn

[greeny]

It sounds like she's not ready to be using the potty regularly. What makes it harder for you than for parents who have been using diapers is, obviously, that without diapers there's nowhere to contain the mess!

In terms of the "getting a toy for using the potty" thing, maybe a sticker chart would help? Each time she goes, she gets a sticker on the chart, and when the chart (or row or whatever) is filled, she gets the toy. That might be a more tangible way of representing what you are looking for. (I know some people are against sticker charts, so just scrap the idea if you are! )

[Adasmommy]

Thanks for the nice responses. I feel worlds better just having poured it out to you, and especially to have had someone listen (read) and reply kindly!

We do hang out a lot with a little girl who is just three months younger than Ada and who has been potty trained for at least a year now. It doesn't seem to matter to Ada : and she visits with daddy and I in the bathroom too . . .

I looked for potty videos at the library today but the only ones I found were VHS and we don't have a VCR hooked up anymore! We are reading a lot of potty books.

As for the sticker chart, I've been toying with that idea since I want to make sure she understands that it's for a period of time, not one time. Mind you, I never would have thought I'd use stickers or toys or anything like that. No, I was just going to show her how it was done, and she was going to want to do it just like a grown up because that's a child's job, right?

Anyway, I'm considering the sticker chart now. But I don't want her to get a toy for six times going in the potty. I want her to get it for consecutive times in the potty with no misses. Maybe a sticker for every day with no accidents? Or maybe that's still too long a time span for her to understand. Or too much pressure. She's allowed to have accidents, after all. I just don't plan to give her the toy until she's learned not to (at least mostly). I'll think about it some more.

Again, thanks for being there! One thing I really love about being a parent is that I feel that I've been initiated into a wonderful group of parents that spans time and space . . . oops, philosophy!

[april77]

I can sympathize. My dd was really interested in the potty right after two and we had great success for a number of days and then the interest went away. Totally. In panties or naked, it did not bother her to have an accident. I tried sticker charts for a while but eventually gave up and put her in pullups. She decided to potty train all on her own a few months after she turned three and was basically accident free. I don't know what we would have done if she was refusing diapers though. Maybe you could get some pull-ups/cloth training pants and try to explain that until she wants to use the potty all the time she really needs to wear them. You could help her make cat/bird/etc tails to attach to them, if that would help her keep them on. My dd is really independent and I think that if we were pushing her to go potty at all, she lost interest. It had to be totally her thing. With you dd going to poop by herself, it sounds like she could be similar. Good luck with it!

[Quinn'sMommy]

What will most likely happen is one day she’ll just be ready and that will be the end of it. I believe that’s what happened with my son, I’m not sure any advice I have will help if she’s just not ready but I will share what we did around the time potty training “took”.

The peer pressure thing is true. Having fully trained cousins was a big motivator for my little guy. We did do a sticker chart although we had no reward attached. The pleasure of putting a sticker on the chart (or two stickers if he pooped) was all he got from it. I took him to a teacher supply store and let him pick out the chart (he chose one with monkeys) and the stickers (stars). He really did enjoy getting his stickers; I think if you are going to reward her for going potty the chart thing will be a really great visual aid for her (and hey, stickers are always fun.)

Originally we had a little potty chair for him but he never would use it (I’m kind of happy about that, potty chairs are a little gross to me.) He preferred to take off the lid and put it on the toilet. The thing is; it wasn’t very comfortable and evidently a little scary because it just didn’t seem to work. We ended up just buying a little cushion toilet seat that sits on the big one and a step stool. For some reason that did the trick and he was immediately “trained” after that. I guess I’m suggesting that maybe a change (any change) will make her more comfy and renew some interest.

Good luck to the both of you. And remember this too shall pass.

[chinaKat]

Originally Posted by Adasmommy

As for the sticker chart, I've been toying with that idea since I want to make sure she understands that it's for a period of time, not one time. Mind you, I never would have thought I'd use stickers or toys or anything like that. No, I was just going to show her how it was done, and she was going to want to do it just like a grown up because that's a child's job, right?

Anyway, I'm considering the sticker chart now. But I don't want her to get a toy for six times going in the potty. I want her to get it for consecutive times in the potty with no misses. Maybe a sticker for every day with no accidents? Or maybe that's still too long a time span for her to understand. Or too much pressure. She's allowed to have accidents, after all. I just don't plan to give her the toy until she's learned not to (at least mostly). I'll think about it some more.

Again, thanks for being there! One thing I really love about being a parent is that I feel that I've been initiated into a wonderful group of parents that spans time and space . . . oops, philosophy!

Here's what I did with stickers. I made a chart with several rows. Each row had a progressively more challenging task: taking off pants all by herself, pooping in the potty, going all day without an accident, wiping herself. Taking off pants was super easy, so she got five stickers in one day for that -- and then got a little prize. That gave her interest and motivation to do the others. Poop in the potty took a few days to get five stickers. Going all day without accidents took a few days longer. Etc. (She still doesn't wipe and probably won't for a while, but hey.)

The prizes were teeny things -- paper doll outfits, a piece at a time. She was more excited about getting a prize than what it was, honestly.

Hope this helps, it worked great with my DD.

[Jane]

Does she like stickers? Maybe you can back off on the big goal (totally trained) and just offer her stickers or cheerios or something everytime she goes. So, there isn't an emphasis on 100% compliance, but the collection of stickers. A chart is nice because most kids are drawn to complete it (ie, do more of the stuff), but that could be the only part that's pusing her.

Also, would you like a cleaning break? You could do pull ups for a week for your sanity...

[Adasmommy]

Thanks alot, all. Stickers seems to be a popular route!

Things are going better now.

She wanted a GoldFinch (Audabon bird) and I told her that we would get it as a reward for her when she was potty trained. I soon realized that she didn't fully comprehend the bargain and was starting to feel lied to and resentful on the potty issue. She ran excitedly to the bathroom on a few different occasions when the GoldFinch was mentioned, and put up the seat, put on the potty seat, moved her stool, climbed up, pulled down panties--you know, the whole thing, and used the potty successfully, and then didn't get the GoldFinch, poor girl.

So, aside from potty training, I had to make that right. I told her she had done great and I should have given her the GoldFinch so "Here it is!" and her face lit up and she was very happy. I don't regret that.

Things are going better since then, but it's still (almost) all my suggestion getting her to the potty. She's just willing to comply again.

I'm sure sometime soon she'll potty train, and then I'll forgot ALL this trauma. But I just found out I'm pregnant, so the cycle of life continues . . .

[willowsmom]

I don't have any advice. Just wanted to throw in a "You're not alone" post. My daughter is 4. And is not all that interested in potty learning.

I know I won't be changing her diaper before she wins a Nobel Peace Prize or something...but still. :


Anyway...mad props to ya momma.