or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Gentle Discipline › The psychologist told me i have to let him CIO
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

The psychologist told me i have to let him CIO - Page 2

post #21 of 151

I don't post often, but I wanted to let you know that I agree COMPLETELY with you and you have EVERY right to be upset!!
post #22 of 151
Seems like I timed out and my post was just lost...

I wanted to say that it seems really unusual to me that a pediatrician would refer a one year old for this kind of problem or that a psychologist would agree to take the appointment. It gets me wondering if there is more to this than we are hearing in a single post. What kinds of problems are you having? It sounds like there must be something you and the pediatrician are concerned about. What kind of help were you hoping to get? It sounds like you didn't get it so I'm wondering if there is still something going on that you could use help with.
post #23 of 151
Thread Starter 
no, there is nothing else. he asked about how he deals w/ strangers etc at a well check visit, i said he doesnt like to be away from me ever, and so i dont leave him. he asked about how he reacts, i told him, and told him that he cried the one time i did leave him the whole time i was gone, and he said it was unusual that kids usually quiet down after the parents leave...and made the referral. nothing more to it. i wasnt looking for help from her, i only went to the appt so they could see he was "normal" and drop it.

thanks everyone, i was just really upset after that appt today. i know i am doing the right thing, and i shouldnt let it bother me. thanks for those links though, it would be nice to broaden her "techniques" and inform her a bit, i hate to know how many parents actually listen to her advice.:
post #24 of 151
I'm a psychologist and an AP mama. Only since having children myself have I come to appreciate the value of professionals who share and support one's own parenting choices. I wrote about this shift in perspective on my blog here. I realize that I am not the woman with whom you worked. Nevertheless, you might find it to be a source of some comfort.
post #25 of 151
just off chance, her name isn't betty by any chance is it? I know a child psychologist on another board who sounds like this.
post #26 of 151
Just because this woman has a title doesn't mean she knows what she's talking about. Keep following your gut and listening to your ds.
post #27 of 151
The OP and Kailey's moms stories are some of the worst thing I have ever heard! What kind of sicko psychologist would recommend that a parent not meet a child's need for love and reassurance!!!?? Sadists, both of them, go ahead and report me for name calling, it's the truth. :
post #28 of 151
Ye gods! At first I thought you were talking about your older child and I thought that was bad enough! but the baby!?!? Wow, sounds like that psych. is just looking for some repeat, continued business for the next 20 or 30 years. Gah.
post #29 of 151
His separation anxiety is greater than my girls' was/is but his age is a normal age for that. I don't know what I would do, personally, because I NEED "me" time and if I couldn't leave my girls w/ their dad or grandparents I'd go nuts in a very short period of time. I started them on that pretty early, though, so they feel secure with them since they've been cared for by them since the beginning (not the VERY beginning but you know what I mean). I don't think you can just start cold turkey at age one, Perhaps part of his need to be with you WAS created by always being with you, but IMO that's neither here nor there. I think if you try to leave him now, or let him CIO, you're going to be damaging his ability to trust. You are the one person he feels safe with. I wouldn't want to be the one to show him that there's NOBODY who's safe anymore. Dump the shrink, keep the baby
post #30 of 151
I have a high-needs dd and a lower-needs ds - and I can tell you, it's the luck of the draw, baby!

With DS I can leave him with just about anyone at 11 months and he cries a bit but settles right down.

With older DD she had bad separation anxiety until she was almost 3. But I was going crazy so I went ahead and got a sitter for 2 afternoons a week. She cried alot at first but then she got used to her and loved her. Then when we moved, I put her into a nutty-crunchy preschool/daycare when she was about 2 (they use slings there!). She went 2 mornings a week and she cried every time for a month - she was a legend - LOL. i had to come and get her every time after a half-hour. But she eventually bonded with one particular teacher and the others caught on how to soother her and then she loved it.

Whenever I left her with DH, she cried. Until *he* learned to soothe her too.

So I would say, give your DH another chance. it may take several times but he will learn how to help your LO and they will eventually bond enough that you can get out some. And don't forget how much the baby cried right at first until you learned to read him...so give your DH the same time to figure out the different cries.

The other thing i learned from my DD is to just always tell the pediatrician "everything's fine" unless I had a specific worry! Any other answer gets them asking questions and giving you their opinion and it can just confuse things. So when they ask "how's he sleeping?" "oh fine", "how's he eating" "oh fine", "are your still breastfeeding" "it's going fine", etc LOL Just act real confident and they will leave you alone

anyway, hth from another mom whose btdt!
post #31 of 151
Yes! Never talk to the ped about non-medical problems. "How's he sleeping?" "Great!" "How's he eating?" "Great!"

Also, you master the "smile and nod" technique. "Now that your baby is 6 months, you need to introduce cereal." Smile and nod. "Your baby is a year now, so wean him since there's no benefit to continuing nursing." Smile and nod. "Make sure your baby is sleeping in his own bed." Smile and nod.
post #32 of 151
Big (((hugs))) to you, mama! This is so sad.

FWIW, DS1 is just starting to become more independent and social -- and he turned three last month! DS2 is about 14 months, and he's going through major separation anxiety. Being ill always makes the feelings so much more intense. In fact, I can tell when my kids are coming down with something, because days before they'll show any symptoms, they start clinging to me and wanting to nurse more. Imagine if I followed "professional" advice to push them away.

Just keep doing what you are doing. You are a strong mama for standing up for what you know is right for YOUR family.
post #33 of 151
You know, I will be completely honest and say that until I had DD I didn't believe separation anxiety could really be so bad a mom would take her kid into the bathroom with her, and I thought those moms must be exaggerating a little. Well....... boy did I ever have to eat my words. My DS had ZERO separation anxiety, ever. He was like the anti-AP-poster child (not that I left him in containers all day, but he would have probably happily done that - he was happy to be on his own from the very beginning for periods of time that were always way longer than other similar aged babies and toddlers, and would happily spend time with any friends or family who wanted to hold or play with him). Then, DD made her appearance. Same parenting values and methods. She did not like being held by anyone but me or DH for the first 6 months of her life. She had severe separation anxiety from about 6-12 months (and I became that mom who pees with her child on her lap because they scream when you put them on the floor at your feet She screamed when I went from the dining room to the kitchen to put a dish in the sink. She screamed when DH tried to occupy her while I showered. I was totally knocked for a loop. I would always talk to her and reassure her that I would be right back, but she just didn't get it. So I'd do things as quickly as possible, and bring her with me everywhere. At least she would sleep alone for a couple hours at night before I went to sleep with her, so I could have some time to myself; otherwise, I would have gone insane.

The good news is, I just left her for the first time with DH and DS to get my hair cut and colored, and she did fine, no tears (she's 14 months old). The same day, she played in her room happily while I showered (all fo 7 minutes), and played outside with big bro and grandma for an hour while I worked inside. Sooo, it's happening, finally. And I'm so glad it's on her terms. Sure, I could have forced us apart, but at what cost? Not worth it to me. So yeah, agreeing with everyone, and giving you a glimmer of hope! :
post #34 of 151
My son, who is now 2 1/2, also has severe seperation anxiety issues. Not until the past 6 months has he been able to leave me, and only with his dad.

The trick I used with him is to have him pack a backpack with some toys that he takes with him. Only then is he able to leave. Other than dad, tho, he will not stay with anyone else. He is also a huge comfort nurser and will only allow me to put him to sleep.

I tried CIO ONE time when he was 6 months old and will never do it again. He screamed for 45 minutes straight. It was horrible and I made the mistake of listening to other people's suggestions.

My advice is to listen to your mama instincts and forgot what the moronic psychologist told you. Also, pick up the book Raising Your Spirited Child. It was very helpful to me in gaining a better understanding of my son. One thing the author noted is that there are some children who WILL NOT eventually self soothe with CIO and that it can traumatize them, as can extended absences.

Hold your child close and listen to the cues you are given. This is a much better roadmap than some stupid regurgitated psycho babble.

Also, I have started using several homeopathic remedies that have helped with the anxiety. NAK'ing at the moment or I'd get off my butt so read the labels.. chamomile for one and several others. You may want to reearch this as an option as well.
post #35 of 151
Thanks for posting those links! I've got some people to share them with, for sure
post #36 of 151
For me the take away message would be that people need to be in charge of their own health care. If you don't believe your kid has a problem, don't agree to the referral to get advice. It doesn't sound like there is any advice that a doctor could have given other than "it's normal hang in there" which isn't really something worth paying for.
post #37 of 151
You have a ton of great replies, but I wanted to chime in and say that I have been there too. It's frustrating and it can make you insane, but it's normal in some kids.
It sounds like most of the kids outgrow it by 3 yrs old at least... well, my DD didn't just "outgrow" it. It took some tears (not CIO, but frustration on her part) and we had some other issues too (aggression from allergies that were undiagnosed at the time) but she was 5.5 yrs old before I could shower without her crying and screaming, "I love you Mommy, but I love you.... " at the bathroom door.
She'll be 7 in a couple of weeks and right now she is downstairs by herself (never would have been out of sight of me, much less on a different floor of the house!!) and has been down there all day playing doctor on a stuffed kitten. There are no tears at school, etc.

Contrast this with my nephew who was not raised with AP and had little to no attachment issues when he was younger, but is now almost 8 and has major issues about whether his mom will come back when she leaves, etc. It is coming out LATER rather than earlier. It's worse that way, IMO.

It takes time and patience, and just like anything else... every child is going to be different. Respect that and know that nurturing a child really does make them more secure.

post #38 of 151
Both of my ds had reflux and it is extremely cruel to allow a baby who is in pain cio. Crying makes the reflux worse and they want you to do that to your baby? It is so aggrivating that so many people think they know everything about all babies, but reflux babies are so different. Yes, most babies have seperation anxiety at that age, but not the same as a reflux baby. I mean think about it, here they have been in so much pain and you are the only one that can truely soothe them. They are probably scared to death that if you leave their side they will continue to be in pain and with noone to make them feel better. I don't know about you, but when I'm sick I don't like being left alone. My first ds had severe reflux and never really got help for it. He outgrew it at 9 months and was the same way until he was two. He is still pretty clingy, but at this point will go with my husband. You have done nothing wrong. I hope things will get better soon. Something that worked for us was I would leave ds with someone for about 5 minutes and come back if he was crying. If it was really bad crying I didn't wait that long. Also, at church I would leave him, come back and then stay in the room with him. Eventually he did start staying in his two yr old class. Of course, he has now switched to his 3 yr class and we are back to square one, but at least now he can sit quietly in service with dh. My poor baby has all kind of problems now due to the drs. not helping him and telling me he would just outgrow it. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post #39 of 151
There is also an excellent book that goes into great detail about what occurs neurologically when a child cries uncomforted. It's The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland. Margot Sunderland is Director of Education and Training for the Centre for Child Mental Health in London. She's also a child psychotherapist with 20 years’ experience. Here's a link on the book: http://www.dorlingkindersley-uk.co.u...0.html?sym=QUE
The book has research materials listed for each section. It's the best book I've read supporting a nurturing, compassionate parenting style. I got it through interlibrary loan.
One great way to get a break is to incourage your LO to be just as attached to daddy. If your LO is clingy and just wants you, you can cuddle and play all three of you together. My DD is 21 months and sometimes actually wants just daddy now, and most of the time daddy or mommy will do unless she's wanting 'milkies'. Lately my DH can't take an uninterrupted shower either.
post #40 of 151
Thread Starter 
i am a single parent, so having his dad watch him for a break isnt really an option...but thanks
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Gentle Discipline
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Gentle Discipline › The psychologist told me i have to let him CIO