Genetic Testing & People Offering Their Unsolicited Opinions

[steph117]

Agh! IGNORE THE TITLE OF THIS THREAD!

I just posted in another thread on this board about genetics testing, & I've been thinking about testing all afternoon because of what we've decided to do, & how a friend responded when I told her that decision (she asked - I didn't volunteer the information).

After posting my original message a minute ago, I realized the title of the thread is awful and some people here may take it badly since this is an ongoing discussion here - but I can't figure out how to edit or delete it to my chagrin!!!

I don't want anyone here to think I'm attacking them for what they've said in this forum - this post was/is absolutely not about anything anyone here has said. The "unsolicited opinions" referred to my friend jumping on me today, after asking what we were doing, despite the fact that I didn't ask her opinion, and I was venting about that. The OP of the other thread asked for opinions, which is obviously different. So in case anyone bristles initially...please don't.

(I'm feeling a little hormonal, can ya tell?)

[smokeylo]

Seems like pregnancy is chock full of other's unsolicited opinions, isn't it??

What advice have you gotten that you didn't ask for (other than the genetic testing advice?)?

I've been told to...
let my baby cry it out so I can sleep better, twice
be sure to have a backup plan for when my homebirth goes "wrong"
be sure my midwife can do a lot of tests "just in case"

I've also received a lot of nutrition advice during the worst possible moments (most of my first tri when nothing sounds good and I feel happy that the kid is getting any calories, let alone whole grains and vegetables).

[Jane]

You can do an advanced edit to change the title.
It's a touchy subject - prenatal screening. Some of the assumptions medical providers make are really inappropriate...that carries over to friends, too, I think. But people can be weird on any subject...it sucks.

[steph117]

Well, we've already been told by almost everyone we've mentioned our co-sleeping plans to that "you know your child will never leave your bed." I look forward to MUCH more of that, ha! And also to being told how we'll never have sex again.

People are definitely offering still more nutrition advice than I want, which of course includes no raw anything, ever, and lots and lots of prenatal vitamins. I try very hard to keep my traditional diet (including raw dairy, and lots of it) to myself! We felt GREATLY relieved to find a midwife who was totally on board with that, since most people would react with horror to the way I eat (HOW COULD YOU ENDANGER YOUR BABY?). It's weird to keep that to myself, but I don't want to be questioned incessantly...

We're also going to keep our homebirth/midwife plans largely to ourselves, because I'm not eager to thear the "ohhhh, here's what happened to MY friend" stories...wheeeee! And we did initially get a fair measure of, "WELL, what if there's an EMERGENCY? Can she handle an EMERGENCY?" questioning from those closest to us, who are now totally on board, happily. But I'm sure there's toooooons of unsolicited advice about homebirth out there!!!! How weird to feel so pioneering about something so natural.

I was really surprised at the virulence of my friend's reaction today, though. She was ADAMANT that we must test (she's a few weeks further along than I, in a much more medicalized pregnancy). She also seemed positively stunned that we only just heard the heartbeat for the first time yesterday, during our 11th week: "WHAT? At your 3-month checkup??" Like, how could we not have already seen/heard the baby? We didn't think it was so weird... The only other people I've told about our decision not to do extensive genetics testing expressed support for our decision, even though most said they wouldn't do the same. But they didn't JUMP on me and say, "You HAVE to test." Ugh!!! It's such a personal decision. I felt rather surprised that she almost immediately after she said congratulations, she asked "when's the amnio?" (And of course I felt disappointed at the tiny voice inside that said: "Uhoh, is she right?" I had to tamp that one down again, because we'd achieved calm with our decision finally.)

I guess that's the thing - you have to be in a good place with ALL of your decisions since people are gonna step in and tell you what's right, huh? :

[applejuice]

Years ago a good friend of mine had genetic testing...AFP ... it came back +. She ended up going for counseling sessions with her mother and going through her family's background and her DH's background and repeatedly asked what she wanted to do about her baby and if she delivered a less than perfect child how she would raise it.

She said she cried everyday for weeks.

Then she learned the true reason she had a +AFP test. She was pregnant with twins. She was relieved, but extremely angry that she had been put through the emotional torture of "genetic counseling" with all of her family members. They wer born healthy and are adults today.

Doing something like this is a personal decision that should not be pushed onto someone. Honestly. It is a terrible thing to do that to someone. It is cruel.

[Lolafanana]

To continue with the "What unsolicitated advice have you been given?" thread:

I am told repeatedly that i NEED to eat meat since the baby NEEDS it to be healthy (I'm a veggie)

and

Your baby will NEVER leave your bed if you cosleep.

[smokeylo]

I haven't yet heard the baby's heartbeat or had an official prenatal checkup, and I'm 12 weeks... and doin' FINE thanks! And I haven't taken prenatals in 6 weeks because they make my nausea go into overdrive (but that's a protective measure that my body is taking to prevent me from taking toxic stuff... like FRUITS! And OATMEAL! OK, /rant about irritating ms advice.).

I think people forget that tests don't prevent ANYTHING. Taking the test doesn't stop your baby from having something be wrong, and usually causes more pain and stress (like the AFP, perfect example - the rate of false positives on that is insanely high!). Having an ultrasound doesn't prevent miscarriage or make things magically right.

Some battles are worth fighting; I don't want every conversation I have about my pregnancy to be a debate, so I try to keep things simple. If people ask if I'm going to find out the gender, I say "we're keeping it a surprise." When my Mom expresses concern about testing, I say "We can have any test we want at any time."

[Dea]

I have no idea how to edit afterwards. However regarding unsolicited opinions, golly lolly I am overwhelmed with them.
So far I have been chastized for:

even considering co-sleeping, "it's wrong!", "it'll kill the baby!", "it's gross!", "how can you ever have sex with our husband?!", "it'll ruin your marriage." "it's not reccomended." "your baby will never leave your bed" Sigh. I've comprised stock answers for all of those, and the funny part is that we haven't really talked about it with family, but we haven't shyed away from the topic.

cloth diapering: "it's gross!" "you'll never keep up with it!" "what, are you a hippy?" "they cause the worst rashes!" "they're expensive!"

on extended breastfeeding: "any child who can ask for it shouldn't be getting it" "it's gross" "it's wrong to breast feed after a year of age"

OI! it's driving me nuts and it's all coming from family, like mothers and fathers. And the worst is when I'm told it's gross. A baby isn't gross! Loving your child isn't gross! Arg.

okay that should be the end of this rant for today.

[Teenytoona]

Geesh, I'm sorry to hear you all are putting up with this much flack! WE've not really decided officially on co-sleeping beyond the idea of for at least the beginning while nursing so much, the baby will be in a sidecar that Mr Toona will make. I told my Gram this and she kind of said "oh" (the kind that means I know she will be discussing it with my mom and all my aunts, but who cares). Really I've been The Oddball in my family for so long, when I do wierd stuff, they just sort of think of it in terms of "oh it's that wierd hippy-treehugging Teeny, yeah yeah" and don't give me much crap for it (maybe because in my college days I went very crazily defensive on my beliefs and whatnot so people decided it's better to leave me alone than attempt to lecture? I dunno). Of course, Mr Toona and I had a homebirth talk last night (he's starting to be hip to it! Weee!) and we'll see if that makes the fit hit the shan!

[ColesMommy]

If you really want to shut someone up about co-sleeping and sex, you can always mention that sex doesn't always happen in bed after dark.

[mama_nym]

ColesMommy - I was just thinking the same thing.

People used to say that to me all the time when I was cosleeping with my first. We're on baby #5 in 8 yrs - ummmm...no problem with my sex life here!

All but one of my kids (23 months old) are out of my bed and in their own rooms.

My oldest 2 naturally weaned - A at 5 yrs and Z at a few weeks before his 7th birthday (I was triandem nursing for the first couple months of this pregnancy!). I continue to nurse 5 year old dd and 23 month old ds and will most likely once again triandem nurse when babe is born!

Not many people offer me parenting advice anymore - my friends are all on the same wavelength as I am (more or less! ) and my family has learned not to bother .

WHen I was pg with C my dentist at the time asked me if it was a boy or girl and I said, "We won't find out until the baby is born - we're not having an ultrasound" and he looked incredibly confused and said, "But how do you know if the baby is growing or not?" :

WHenever someone asks me a question that I don't particularly want to answer, I just say, "Why do you want to know?" very innocently : . This clues them in that maybe they're sticking their nose where it doesn't belong!

to all those dealing with unwelcome comments!

[steph117]

Your posts have been making me laugh!

Re: genetic testing - I love the "We can have any test we want at any time." I'm going to start using that if this ever comes up again. Or maybe I'll just say, "Log onto the mothering.com message boards. You'll find lots of information there. Thanks for stopping by!" I also like "why do you want to know?" I could see that coming in handy.

The friend who jumped on me about testing knew someone who did no testing, had a child with a genetic defect (she doesn't remember what, she only remembers the child was expected to have a long life) & the parents couldn't deal and gave the kid to the state. Which is a horrible, horrible story! But this is her reasoning behind why everyone should have testing. I guess she feels that could have been avoided. But who knows? Maybe not. But I don't think it's a good reason to tell everyone they MUST TEST. People deal with information very differently, obviously.

Dea - I can't believe people use the word "gross" to describe loving parenting practices! Why is co-sleeping gross, exactly? I'm less surprised, though no less saddened, that someone would say late breast-feeding is gross - I've heard many friends/family members express disgust & discomfort with the idea of breast-feeding a toddler; it's steeling me to expect nasty looks or comments from people who are on a different plane. I can imagine posting on these message boards asking, "how do I deal with people acting mean?" . Thankfully, my Mom was a member of La Leche League, and breast-fed me as a toddler, so she'll be my staunch advocate.

Oh! And we're considering using elimination communication with our little one...we DEFINITELY don't want to tell most people about that! We'll just smile when our one-year-old uses a potty, and THEN we'll tell them how we got there. But mostly that's another one that I think would lead to a whole lot of totally unneccessary judgments, and definitely a "WHAT? That's gross!" or two!

[ksera05]

ahh, genetic testing. I've already had to refuse it 5x. gotta love it. :

[mama_nym]

We ec as well! : We didn't with the first three, but did with the fourth. My mom's comment - "just when I thought you'd done EVERYTHING differently!" I think I've run out of "out there" things to do with this baby - my mom might be disappointed!

[Dea]

My dad is insistent that co-sleeping is gross 'casue he assumes that we would have sex in the bed with the baby right there. He is also convinced that cloth diapers are gross and that there will be a mess all over the bed.

I have just started telling people when it comes up that Adam (DH) and I have talked about (which ever issue) and we feel that it's right for us.

That normally shuts people up.

We're also going to EC, but it hasn't been mentioned in conversation with parents and whatnot because they haven't heard of it so they can't make random negative comments regarding it. But I'm sure the first time they realize I"m doing it, or peeing the baby in a sink or something there will be comments.
But they'll all shush when the baby is using only a couple diapers a day, it will be great!

[ColesMommy]

Originally Posted by Dea

I have just started telling people when it comes up that Adam (DH) and I have talked about (which ever issue) and we feel that it's right for us.

That normally shuts people up.

Snappy comebacks are fun but this approach works really well, too. Confidence in your choices can silence a lot of critics, I've found.

We're pretty mainstream so we don't do a lot of things that most people consider shocking or too weird but breastfeeding, let alone breastfeeding a toddler, is not the norm in my husband's family. When I was breastfeeding Cole, I made it a point to talk about breastfeeding as a normal, natural part of our lives, because it is. When I'd get the inevitable, "oh, I couldn't be tied down like that," or similar comments, I'd just point out the reasons that bottlefeeding isn't any better. For example, in the case of being "tied down," I'd point out that with formula you have to clean bottles, keep formula a certain temperature when travelling, cut plans short if you don't have enough formula, etc. It was like a little light popped on above their heads!

[michaelasmommy]

On sex and co-sleeping:
A friend who is very mainstream asked when we have sex if there's a baby in the bed. Um...I'm pregnant for the third time in 3 1/2 years-is it not COMPLETELY OBVIOUS that isn't an issue?!! Who needs a bed when there's a couch, kitchen counter, table, floor...

I'd like to see research on who's sex life is more exciting!

[TrishWSU]

Originally Posted by ColesMommy

If you really want to shut someone up about co-sleeping and sex, you can always mention that sex doesn't always happen in bed after dark.

LOL! That is so true, especially in my house!

I've either never really gotten any rude comments like you ladies or I'm just really good at ignoring them. I did get the "Your child will never leave your bed!" My best friend's MIL made a comment when I was pregnant w/ dd "You should have your first in the hospital, then if everything goes ok you could plan a homebirth with your second if that's what you still want." : Yeah, it made absolutely no sense at the time either

I've had people (on my very mainstream surro board) react with utter shock and disbelief that we (IPs and I) aren't planning any kind of diagnostic testing. We can't wait until after the birth to reveal the whole UP/UC thing!

[bloominmamas]

When we went back to MO to visit family the favorite theme there was to harp on the fact that if we just have 3 that we will always have one left out or getting picked on by the other 2. My mom especially wouldn't stop making it sound like a horrible idea to have a third kid, how much harder life is going to be with me and dh being outnumbered. VERY annoyed.

Otherwise I am happily not getting advice from unwanted sources. I think it helps a little that I just don't talk about being pregnant very much with people.