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smoking and pot

post #1 of 177
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post #2 of 177
Wow. You really put some deep things in your post. It's really caused me to think about the reality of that situation for my own life... I'm going to reflect before I post any response. Thank you for that...
post #3 of 177
I also would need to ponder this for awhile,but I also feel like I can relate.We have,almost,two sets of kids....our oldest are 17,15 and 14.Our youngest three are 6,5 and 2.I have dealt with some similiar issues with my 17 yr.old(boy),especially when he started driving.I tend to approach my parenting much like you...and instead of being impractical and unrealistic and saying,"don't drink,don't smoke,don't do drugs,don't have sex...etc" I try to approach these issues with common sense.When J. started driving for instance,I said IF you drink,you are to make sure you're drinking somewhere that you'll want to be staying for awhile,because once you take that first drink DO NOT get into your car...you stay whever you're at. It's worked out,and he always calls to tell me if he's staying at a friend's house and if I say are you drinking he answers me honestly.
I think the privacy box and letting the boys know they can go into the back yard is a good idea,the only thing I worry about is you getting in trouble.All it would take is one conventional parent finding out and calling authorities,the school whatever.........and then they would pro'lly have to investigate.That could get hairy.It's just you I would be concerned about,but as far as the way you've handled it with your son,I say right on
post #4 of 177
I'd probably do something similar. Although my 17 year old has no interest in smoking at all. I'm not sure if it's because her dad smokes? I can't stand the smell of tobacco ( other smokes don't bother me ). If she wanted to try it I'm sure we would have provided it. I remember trying my fathers tobacco and hating it when I was about your sons ages

As for the pot, I'm personally less concerned about pot than tobacco. I had my first drink at home provided by my mom.
post #5 of 177
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post #6 of 177
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post #7 of 177
Well, we HS also My dd is older than your kids and she is well versed in stuff like The Emperor Wears No Clothes In my state pot is a ticket although not for under age people. In my case, if it was happening in our home or on our property I wouldn't be that concerned with getting caught. Of course everyones situation is different.
post #8 of 177
The only potential problem I can see about this is the friend being also involved. If I knew a parent was turning a blind eye to smoking pot when my child was involved, I'd probably pitch a fit. I'm not the type to say "never ever" but am the type to put a limit on "while you're a full time member of the household". When sd was a teen, we talked about pot and whatnot, and I set the limit of "wait until college" and used the fact that I was still responsible for her, her body and health, there were people in residence in the home with professional licenses to protect, etc.
post #9 of 177
Originally Posted by embers View Post
Provide it? I have not even considered that. I am not sure where they are getting it (smokes or the pot) or if they are putting themselves in danger while doing so. They have total control over their money. This is just one more aspect that I have yet to consider.
The two things that jumped out at me are that A.) there is another child involved. Claiming ignorance with your own children is one thing, but I would never do it with someone else's child. I think they have to come to the same conclusions about their child, as you have with yours. So in that respect, I would put a stop to allowing the friend to be involved in said exploration. Or, talk to the parents, but if you do that then you can't pretend you didn't know. Catch 22.

And B.) you don't know where they're getting it from. While marijuana is not typically a drug that gets spiked (mixing more expensive drugs with a less expensive one doesn't make the much sense), it can happen. My issue with marijuana is the source. Locally grown (like in your friends back yard, for example) is one thing, but drugs from other countries cant support inhumane working conditions, drug related crimes, etc. Not something I'm comfortable letting my children inadvertently support because they bought a baggie from some kid at school.. you just DON'T know where it came from.
post #10 of 177
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post #11 of 177
Originally Posted by embers View Post
Well, I agree, and you are echoing some of my other fears and concerns. I am just not sure what to do about it all.... I am very anxious and eager for ideas, suggestions, BTDTs, etc.
My daughter is only 17 months, so no been there done that with her.

But I grew up in a home much like yours, in that my parents preferred us to explore in the comfort and safety of our own home as opposed to sneaking out into the bushes. My parents, however, would never have supported us in stealing so we could explore. Either they fully supported us, which involved supplying the beer, or they didn't. But they never would have allowed us to steal beer from someone else's home and then bring it home and drink it, as long as we covered our tracks and didn't expose ourselves. So in that respect, I have sort of been there done that. I had my first "smoke" with my dad at 14 at a Pink Floyd concert.

I also grew up with pot being no more serious then beer or wine, or any other legal and socially acceptable substance. There wasn't that taboo-ness about it, which I think you're still harboring since your "official stance" is that you don't know they're doing it. I understand you wanting them to feel safe doing it at home so they're not out getting high somewhere in public, and that's great. But if you are not a supporter of marijuana in the sense that you want to purchase ethically grown pot and supervise them doing it (which my dad did), thus KNOWING about it, then I don't know how to suggest not supporting it without possibly pushing them out of the home.

I'm also curious to hear from those who allow it but don't fully support it.
post #12 of 177
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
In my state pot is a ticket although not for under age people.
Actually, it could be a much more serious problem for the parents, since smoking ANYthing is illegal for kids.It is entirely possible that, should their activities come to light, one or the other kid will let spill that the parents knew and condoned the behavior. Hello, CPS.
post #13 of 177

My thoughts

Interesting post and I do understand where you're coming from. I do have an issue with pot though because unfortunately it is illegal. If pot were legal, I'd rather my kids smoked a joint on occasion rather than drinking. Both my daughters smoke cigs however, and I blame myself for that being a lifelong smoker. By the time I discovered that they smoked they were addicted to them just like i am and they have no desire to quit. I do let them smoke at home and I do buy their cigarettes for them now. It's a nasty habit, but who am I to talk ughhh. Anyway just my opinion and good luck. Barb
post #14 of 177
You could have bigger problems than getting in trouble for them using pot. If you allow them to have it and use it on your property and a teen who can drive does so, you can be held responsible for injuries and death to that teen or caused by that teen behing the wheel.

A case, involving alcohol, just went all the way up to the U.S. Supreme Court and the Pareants lost. They have to go to jail for years, there other children are being taken from them etc.....

I think that given your open relationship with your kids you need to explain to them that they are putting you at risk of jail and themselves and their siblings at risk of losing YOU.
post #15 of 177
I told them that I will honor their privacy as long as they honor the household and family;
You don't think doing illegal drugs as children is dishonoring your house and family?

I'm not flaming you....I'm just asking. There are 2 things I strive to teach my children by example: to respect your body and to respect the law. Even if you disagree with that law, you can try to change it but you have to respect it because that is the difference between a state of civilized union and chaos.

So by allowing my child to do drugs and smoke in my home, I'd be giving them permission to disrespect my home, their bodies, the law and my family.

I think it's totally fab that you are honest and open and encouraging to your kids to be honest with you. I agree that sneaking and secrets are not healthy.

But I also think that sometimes kids test boundaries, for various reasons. And they need to know that you are going to help them establish boundaries for their own safety and well being. Putting your foot down about not allowing drug use would be, I think, basic boundary setting.
post #16 of 177
I think that like one of the PP's said,alot of this would have to do on how you as an individual feels about mj in general. I don't agree either,with people that say boundary setting is necessary,and by doing so you would teach that these things are wrong,not allowed,etc. The majority of teens that DON'T try anything(cigs,pot,drinking,sex)is probably pretty small. I think the OP is jus' trying to approach this from a practical standpoint. It would be different if she came to her son and his friend and said since I know someday you're probably going to try this stuff,how about we just go ahead and give you these allowances in order to do so. She knew the boys were curious and probably already experimenting....so she would rather take an honest approach,for their safety,then to have them sneaking around. ITA with her approach,though before I had teenagers I don't know if I would've. When you are put in these situations,it makes you take a very different look at things.
post #17 of 177
Originally Posted by sammysmammy View Post
so she would rather take an honest approach,for their safety,then to have them sneaking around. ITA with her approach,though before I had teenagers I don't know if I would've. When you are put in these situations,it makes you take a very different look at things.
I agree with the approach as well, but I think that substance use needs to be accompanied by a certain level of responsibility to be considered safe and ethical (as much as can be considering it IS illegal). If the kids are not able to do that and are instant on exploring, then either they are not ready, or they need the guidance of someone who can teach them how to use these substances responsibly and safely.

This worries me...

Originally Posted by embers View Post
My "official" stance is that I don't even know that it is happening, and I would like for the kids to make sure that there is no evidence or carelessness to suggest the contrary.
Originally Posted by embers View Post
I think that they may be getting the non-pot (and the pot?) smokables from his mom (probably not by permission, though).
Have you talked to your son about where they are getting their "smokables" from? If I had any suspicions that my daughter was stealing, or using a substance that was acquired through theft, that would have to be addressed immediately.

The bottom line is that while I understand what you're trying to accomplish, I don't think the message you're sending is how to acquire, use, and manage substance use responsibly. And that could be for anything from cigarettes to beer, to pot.

Part of safe exploration, in our home anyway, was also being responsible for ALL facets of substance use. Not just the "go home and smoke it where I'm safe" part. He may be safe IN your backyard, but he may not be safe from the people with whom he's dealing, from the actual substance itself, and from the law. Not only because pot is a controlled substance, but because he *may* be involved in theft (even just for cigarettes.. I can't imagine any parents, however handsoff, being thrilled with finding out their son and possibly his friend have been stealing from them).

I don't see these issues changing when DD becomes a teenager. But I can see this coming down to how badly I want her to learn how to be responsible for substance use, versus just being safe when she uses it. The former would entail my involvement, but, I am Ok with that.
post #18 of 177
I think you're handling the situation really well. Good job, mama.
post #19 of 177
I don't have a lot of advice. I just wanted to say that I hope that I'm able to have as open a relationship with my kids as you have with yours. The other posters have made some really good points. I wish you peace in your decisions. This can't be easy!
post #20 of 177
Embers, you might find this thread helpful and insightful.

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