embers, I think you are doing a great job communicating with your ds. I would be happy for any of my dc to spend time with yours.I would be worried tho about the other child, who probably is glad to have found people like you especially if,like you say his mom is not interested in what he is doing, just in case someone makes a phonecall u'know. I was pally with a lot of older folk as a teen and they were all good people, who some did drugs, but all knew what I was going through and talked sense to me.I smoked pot from age 13 and still do sometimes, unfortunately I've been a smoker of tobacco since age 9 and have to stop. It's very addictive, you can help your son to not fall down that trap,, now. Super-gluing your lungs to your ribs with tar is just wrong.I conquered alcohol tho and simply do not require it now. I was fostered at 6 and my foster mother did not have the skills or knowledge that embers has imo to deal with a teen growing up and experimenting. She booted me out after 10 years and I was expelled from school, tho was never found with any drugs on me, I was made an example of being the care kid who could be disposed of, other kids were actually doing drugs( not just mj) in school and none of them got booted out or made homeless. My foster mother had threatened to boot me out for years cos I wasn't what she wanted,I was turning out 'like my mother' who I'd never met, she wanted me to go to uni so she could be proud of her achievements to the neighbours. She couldn't 'cope' with me and I was blamed for everything cos I liked music, pierced my ears against her wishes( at age 12) wore clothes she didn't like( I had to sneak into those too) tried drink, pot and sex, like most other kids I knew. She spread word that I was a 'junkie'. Ironically she was addicted to sleeping pills from the docs and heavy tranqs, zombie drugs,(house full of bottles, none of which I ever touched!) she deteriorated over the years, was always winding me up, trying to bring me out of my shell( I was reserved and inner as a child but independant and could have made art school had I been supported) she was bad tempered, very drowsy, constantly irritable and irrational.
So she got rid of her real problem, me, and I was banned by social workers and education authority from getting to school or college, their exact words were ' you've made your bed, lie in it'. I was 15. I was constantly homeless after that, no money, and I'd been taken away from all my friends and a stable way of life after a rough start as a young child, I have serious rejection issues still and have been clinically depressed, I had no security and started binge-drinking heavily till blackout, mj was much kinder. I would hitch all over, getting lifts from 40 yr old men who would take advantage of me and I would get someplace to stay for a night.
My dc will never have to put up with that cos they tried something out, thrown on the scrapheap at 15 in thatchers britain was no fun, plenty cheap booze tho to keep you warm at night. I strive to communicate with my dc. My eldest dd is 15 and has a lot of personal freedom, she has drunk alcohol and she has drunk it once in our house with mates over while I was there. They didn't finish it and watched a dvd. Her mates are 17 and get into pubs.I have known some of her mates since they were 2 yrs old and care for them as I would my own. My dd has said that having a good communication has made trying stuff out not so taboo, even making actual substances less of an attraction in the first place,cos it's not forbidden,( not forbidden is not the same as condoning)she has been very good at telling me what she gets up to and I have had to learn that she will make choices that I would not make for her. At least we can talk and she knows her safety and well-being are paramount to me and hopefully to her.
I tell my dc I don't want them to drink, do drugs etc, not very thoughtful, but I don't cos I've seen and lived with the crap that is involved when misuse is evident, from other's too, being a victim of domestic violence for years from alcoholics. I've been a single mum for years now and we have a life. Moderation, knowledge and sensible approaches to any substance is vital whether it's alcohol, mj, drugs in general, chocolate, gambling, junk food, relationships etc. I would deffo dissuade my kids from tobacco, it's a killer, there are healthier ways to imbibe mj, brownies for ex. I can't fathom the approach that if the parent say's 'dont do it' the child will just follow, reality check. As for breaking laws erm, mj should be legal imo, alcohol is a far more destructive drug and misused on a far wider scale but hey it's legal so it's ok. To encourage your child to not get addicted to tobacco I suggest a healthy body and mind as something to take good care of and physical activities to maintain that, my dc see me smoking outside day and night and are desperate for me to stop as I am,especially as the thought of my dc having no-one if something happens to me is too much to bear so I have to break this. I will be keeping a good eye on my dc, now, and in the future to enable them to have healthy lives despite the peer pressure around to get into drugs and booze, not everybody can limit their use if they are going to try stuff but it's not impossible with some decent mentoring available and plenty support.