SIL & new boyfriend--would this bother you?

[honeybee]

Update post #63

My SIL moved out of her home with BIL and dn the first of June. She lives in an apartment nearby and has regular visitation, as BIL and SIL agreed on amicably, with dn. Divorce is not yet final. A couple weeks later she asked dh (her brother) what she thought about her dating. He said it was her perogative. She said that BIL couldn't say anything about it if it didn't involve dn. That seemed to make sense to me.

In mid-July, we invited SIL and dn to go to a Ren faire with our family. To my surprise, SIL, dn, and new boyfriend came along. I hadn't really even fully explained the divorce to my 3-year-old ds yet (SIL and BIL didn't do a whole lot together beforehand anyways, and he hadn't visited SIL at her new place yet, so it just hadn't come up), and he kept asking where his uncle was. :

It was readily apparent that dn is VERY comfortable with new bf and has obviously seen a lot of him. Now, I rarely ever see SIL and dn w/out new bf around as well. Suddenly, this stranger I barely know is part of every activity. We took dn camping with us this past weekend, and when SIL came to pick her up (after not seeing her at all for her weekend), bf was with her, too.

He seems like a nice enough guy, and dn seems to like him and be affectionate with him. But, then, I'm not sure if she only likes him because she thinks she has to... or because she's afraid of losing mom's affections and feels that attaching to bf is the best way to make sure she keeps SIL's attention.

But I am so not comfortable with this whole situation. Dn has barely had time to adjust to the new life of divorced parents, and suddenly there is a new man in the picture. Bf was even at dn's tball game, while BIL was also there. And SIL was wearing a new ring on her left ring-finger that looked suspiciously like one of those Irish "friendship" or "promise" rings... depending on your interpretation. That just seems to me to be flaunting the new relationship.

Before I knew there was a bf, we invited SIL and dn to go on a bike tour and camping with us and mutual friends in Sept. Now, SIL tells me there will be 4 of them... SIL, bf, and bf's ds and his girlfriend... oh, and maybe dn, too, if BIL will let her come. I don't recall inviting any of these other people. And really, if I was BIL, I don't think I'd want my dd going on an overnight camping trip with this other man. I don't really see a way to disinvite them now (they've actually already mailed in the bike tour registration).

So, as it stands, I am going to tell SIL they need to get her own cabin, because there isn't room for that many people all in the same cabin... which is true, but really I don't know what kind of sleeping arrangements they're planning, but I don't want my kids to see SIL in the same bed with some other guy besides their uncle, pending divorce or no.

Part of me feels a bit hypocritical, cause dh and I owned a house together and lived together for a couple years before getting married... but I do see this as a different situation. There were no young children around, and neither dh nor I were still legally married to anyone else.

I am also torn about whether to say anything to SIL about my concerns. The primary concern I have is that dn gets 1-1 time with her mother to know mom cares for her after the divorce... and that means bf should not be around every second SIL has visitation. (I mean, really, she's not the custodial parent.. how hard would it have been to keep bf separate for awhile and give dn some time to adjust? --okay, see, that's the judgment that keeps slipping out into my thoughts) What if this is a temporary rebound thing and dn has to deal with another separation a few months down the road after getting attached to bf? What if bf is not actually as benign as he appears?

Anyway, am I out of line and feeling too judgmental? I have to admit I don't much care for SIL's choices in any area of life, and I actually like BIL better than SIL. So, maybe those feelings are rubbing off. Would you say anything to SIL directly about any of these concerns? We're not all that close. But maybe I have a moral obligation to try to stand up for my dn (to whom I'm very close) in some way??

Thoughts??

[alegna]

Honestly? I think it's none of your business.

Yeah, kinda rude to invite other people I suppose, but that aside, it's none of your business.

-Angela

[trinity6232000]

While I understand your discomfort with the situation I have to agree with Angela. It's really
none of your business. In this there really is no right way to approach SIL with this information
and have it turn out okay. I can see it causing more harm than good in the whole situation.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by alegna

Honestly? I think it's none of your business.

Yeah, kinda rude to invite other people I suppose, but that aside, it's none of your business.

-Angela

ITA 100%

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by honeybee

So, as it stands, I am going to tell SIL they need to get her own cabin, because there isn't room for that many people all in the same cabin... which is true, but really I don't know what kind of sleeping arrangements they're planning, but I don't want my kids to see SIL in the same bed with some other guy besides their uncle, pending divorce or no.
Thoughts??

If you have a problem with your kids seeing your SIL and her relationship then I think you and your kids should be the ones to stay home.

[BabyBugsMom]

Yes, this would bother me.

But it doesn't sound like it bothers your dn, so be careful in not projecting your feelings onto her. And be especially careful not to inadvertantly demonstrate your feelings in front of her or your ds.

At this point, what's done is done. It is way past time to have a talk with your kid(s) about the realities of their aunt and uncle's marriage ending. Not an ideal situation, but the situation is there and has to be dealt with, kwim?

I don't think there would be anything wrong with letting sil know that they need to find alternate housing during the bike thing, because of the space issue. I wouldn't bring up anything else unless asked, though, and even then I'd be VERY cautious about saying too much. In times of stress and change, things can be said that are hurtful and can cause permanent damage to the relationship. Better to be cautious and protect your connection with your dn.

[lilyka]

Therei snot much you can say about your SIL bad choices. If you are concerned about your dn i would talk to you stbxbil about it and let him handle it from there on out.

As for the vacation. . . .there is no way i would want a bunch of strangers joining me on my vacation. I would restate to SIL that she and her dd are welcome. and no one else. You have every right to decide who is and is not sleeping in the same cabin as you.

[Eve80]

Originally Posted by lilyka

Therei snot much you can say about your SIL bad choices. If you are concerned about your dn i would talk to you stbxbil about it and let him handle it from there on out.

As for the vacation. . . .there is no way i would want a bunch of strangers joining me on my vacation. I would restate to SIL that she and her dd are welcome. and no one else. You have every right to decide who is and is not sleeping in the same cabin as you.

i agree.

[tiffer23]

I think you are 100% right. But also, there's nothing you can do about it. However, if she is invited, I would inform her that when she is invited it is for her and DN only. Not being mean, but that you would prefer men not popping in and out of your DS's life.

[honeybee]

Originally Posted by artgoddess

If you have a problem with your kids seeing your SIL and her relationship then I think you and your kids should be the ones to stay home.

So, you really think I should not go on a trip I planned (with other friends, don't forget) because I don't want my kids to see a still married adult role model in their life in the same bed with another man? I'm not talking about seeing them together in daily life, which has already happened, but actually sharing a bed? Call me a prude, I guess. :

[honeybee]

Originally Posted by BabyBugsMom

Yes, this would bother me.

But it doesn't sound like it bothers your dn, so be careful in not projecting your feelings onto her. And be especially careful not to inadvertantly demonstrate your feelings in front of her or your ds.

At this point, what's done is done. It is way past time to have a talk with your kid(s) about the realities of their aunt and uncle's marriage ending. Not an ideal situation, but the situation is there and has to be dealt with, kwim?

I don't think there would be anything wrong with letting sil know that they need to find alternate housing during the bike thing, because of the space issue. I wouldn't bring up anything else unless asked, though, and even then I'd be VERY cautious about saying too much. In times of stress and change, things can be said that are hurtful and can cause permanent damage to the relationship. Better to be cautious and protect your connection with your dn.

Thanks. I have had the discussion about the divorce... the original instance in which ds was asking about his uncle when bf showed up happened a mere two weeks after SIL moved out. I was caught off-guard and didn't expect a need to rush the discussion.

Thank you for the reminder about dn. I do try really hard not to say anything negative about the situation in any form in front of dn, and I just try to let her know we love her and will always be here for her. I actually wasn't planning on bringing up any other issue besides space for the camping trip. I am still considering talking to SIL about making sure dn has more 1-1 time with her alone... not slighting new bf, but just talking about how I felt as a child when my parents divorced, and needing extra reassurance, etc. So, I'm looking for ideas on whether/how to start up that conversation.

[meowee]

BFs and GFs are a fact of life post-divorce. Unless you want to start avoiding divorced people and not letting your children interact with anyone who has divorced (which would be very tough with the divorce rate at 50%+)-- you just have to deal with it and stop being paranoid and judgmental.

Once upon a time children of divorced parents were considered pariahs because no one wanted their children "exposed" to divorce. This kind of thinking is impractical in today's world.

[alegna]

Originally Posted by honeybee

So, you really think I should not go on a trip I planned (with other friends, don't forget) because I don't want my kids to see a still married adult role model in their life in the same bed with another man? I'm not talking about seeing them together in daily life, which has already happened, but actually sharing a bed? Call me a prude, I guess. :

Prude or not, it's simply not your business.

-Angela

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by honeybee

So, you really think I should not go on a trip I planned (with other friends, don't forget) because I don't want my kids to see a still married adult role model in their life in the same bed with another man? I'm not talking about seeing them together in daily life, which has already happened, but actually sharing a bed? Call me a prude, I guess. :

I'm not name calling, I just do really believe that you are the one with the problem, not your SIL, not her boyfriend, not her daughter, but you. And if you have the problem then you can removed yourself from the situation. I don't think it is up to your SIL to completely change herself to suit what your moral standards are.

By all means call her tell her you have a problem with it, but you asked for honest thoughts on the subject and apparently we differ greatly.

[BelgianSheepDog]

Originally Posted by meowee

BFs and GFs are a fact of life post-divorce. Unless you want to start avoiding divorced people and not letting your children interact with anyone who has divorced (which would be very tough with the divorce rate at 50%+)-- you just have to deal with it and stop being paranoid and judgmental.

Once upon a time children of divorced parents were considered pariahs because no one wanted their children "exposed" to divorce. This kind of thinking is impractical in today's world.

Yeah, precisely.

[MilkTrance]

If you have a problem with your kids seeing your SIL and her relationship then I think you and your kids should be the ones to stay home.

I disagree. Honeybee planned the trip, not the SIL. I believe that Honeybee is looking out for her boys' best interests. This is a group trip, and therefore it is okay for her to ask SIL that she grab her own cabin.

However, I wouldn't take it further and discuss SIL's new relationship with her. That really is her business, unless you suspected child abuse from any new partner.

be especially careful not to inadvertantly demonstrate your feelings in front of her or your ds.

At this point, what's done is done. It is way past time to have a talk with your kid(s) about the realities of their aunt and uncle's marriage ending. Not an ideal situation, but the situation is there and has to be dealt with, kwim?

I don't think there would be anything wrong with letting sil know that they need to find alternate housing during the bike thing, because of the space issue. I wouldn't bring up anything else unless asked, though, and even then I'd be VERY cautious about saying too much. In times of stress and change, things can be said that are hurtful and can cause permanent damage to the relationship. Better to be cautious and protect your connection with your dn.

I agree completely. Unless you know the whole story -- and who can, unless they are one of the two in the divorce -- it's best to stay mum, IMHO.

[onlyzombiecat]

I think you are projecting your dislike of sil onto her choices and being too judgmental about her dating. If your dn does not seem miserable around the bf then I think you just have to let your sil handle it.

When your sil invites 3 extra people along on a trip you planned then you are within your rights to tell her that that isn't okay to bring extra people or that they need to get another cabin for themselves.

I understand that it can be difficult explaining a family member's divorce and dating to your own child. When my mil got divorced and started dating it was a little awkward. She would have the bf there for family events and holidays and I didn't really know what to say to dd about grandma's boyfriends. I ended up not saying much and dd didn't seem to really care that deeply about adult relationships yet. I wouldn't stress too much about that.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by alegna

Prude or not, it's simply not your business.

-Angela

I agree again. To not want extra people invited on a trip because you were planning a trip for X amount and not Y amount is fair. But to not want people along because of your opinions about their relationship is IMO outside of your jurisdiction, so to speak. Either tell them not to come simply because you weren't planning for that big of an event, or ask them to get a separate cabin because it's too many people for one. I think those are both fair things to ask. If you say you don't want the tag-alongs to come, though, be prepared for the whole trip to fall through because people at the beginning of a romance are easily offended in situations like these.

[jlpumkin]

Personally I would not want to spend that time in close quarters with so many strangers. So as far as the trip I would have to explain to SIL that though she may know them all well, I have not yet made enough of a bond to share a cabin. For everyone's fun and enjoyment please coordinate their own cabin. It will probably facilitate a much better experience for everyone given the tension.

As far as being a prude - no married person is ever going to sleep in a bed with a bf in my house (cabin, tent, hotel room) in front of my children ever.

I think that OP is just a bit shell shocked by the whole situation. Having the new bf sort of crammed down everyone's throats at every family gathering is making the adjustment a difficult.

[mamazee]

I think to call them "married" is disingenuous. They are actively working on a divorce. It isn't like she's taking someone out there to have an affair.