Mothers Helper that Disciplines

[transformed]

My babysitter (who I use randomly about once or twice a month for dates with dh or appointments) disciplines the kids. She is 16 and has enough exposure and comfort with children to correct them and teach them and also discipline them.

She has put ds, 4, in "time out" (Probably pretty sweet and gentle yet firm time out) for cussing or saying God or something. Several times. I usually ignore that behavior (even though we share the same beliefs on God)

I am thinking of making her a once a week "Mothers Helper" for about 3 hours so I can grocery shop in peace.

Would it be nessicary that someone who is a very regular caregiver also be correcting them? Can it still be just a goofy fun playing babysitter if that often?

What is your experience with Mothers Helpers?

Jenny

[<~*MamaRose*~>]

I have no experience with MH's but when I read your post I couldn't help but think if it's gentle and you're ok with it then I'd let her continue with what's been working between her and the kids....in three hours the kids could get kooky and it could become rough for her if she wasn't allowed to gently correct when necessary.

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by StrugglingMomX's2

...in three hours the kids could get kooky and it could become rough for her if she wasn't allowed to gently correct when necessary.

This was my thought, too. I think a caregiver should have the autonomy to correct things that directly affect the child-caregiver dynamic - like correcting hitting or rude behavior that's directed towards the baby-sitter or other kids in the house. If time-outs are OK with you & her, then that would be acceptable, imo.
I'd be uncomfortable having a hired caregiver "disciplining" for other things or addressing things that require more in-depth discussion of ethics or judgement, but that's just me. I prefer for a caregiver to tell me about a situation and then let me deal with it as a parent. If there's a "life lesson" involved, I want to be the one to handle that.

[limabean]

Yes, I think caregivers should be able to discipline. That said, the type of discipline they use should be in line with the parents' beliefs. If you don't use time-outs, she shouldn't either, but you can let her know what your reaction to his behavior would be and let her follow that.

[velochic]

My definition of "mother's helper" (as I used to have one), is a young person who is occupying your child/ren while you are home with them. If you're gone, I would call her a "babysitter".

I think a babysitter needs to have your blessing to discipline *as you would*. A mother's helper needs to come to you and let you discipline your own child... you are there and it would be too confusing to your child to see someone else guiding her about something when mommy is right there.

[mommy2abigail]

I wouldn't be comfortable with the time outs personally. And with a young teenager disciplining my kids. And yeah to velochic, if you are there, you should handle the problems. I dont ever want my kids and babysitter to have an adverserial prelationship. If she is needing to use time outs often, I would look into the reasons why. Maybe they are not a good fit? Not busy enough? I know when I was a nanny, I never had to punish the children in my care. Ever. In fact I used a time out once, because the mom was trying to use them for a particular issue. She sat in the chair for a minute, got up and did it again. That was when I knew they didn't 'work' any better than spanking or any other form of punishment. We were always too busy to get into trouble. And especially if the mom was present (at drop off and pick up) I would never have punished their kids.

[captain crunchy]

I would only allow someone to care for dd if they were completely in line with my parenting beliefs (or acted like it when they were watching dd ).

We don't punish, hit, time out, shame, take away privledges, or any of that.

To me, a babysitter is someone who makes sure your kid is alive when you get back Seriously though, someone who feeds them, plays with them, loves on them if they need snuggles, let's them pretty much do whatever (within reason) -- to me, babysitters aren't people I expect to be "teaching" my child morals and values or "disciplining" or "correcting" them.

just my $.02

[mistymama]

I have a different opinion on this one.

We have a wonderful babysitter that watches ds on occasion. I made it very clear that she is there to play and have FUN with him. I don't want her disciplining.

It's never been an issue because my son and her have an amazing time together and he's sweet as can be for her. She's there as a playmate, someone to entertain him (and keep him safe!) while we have an adult evening out on occasion. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her teaching or discipling him, I want him happy and safe. That's all.

[angelpie545]

I think that if you are leaving your children with a caregiver, whom you expect to ensure you children's safety and well-being, without your presence, then they should be all means be able to discipline your kids within reasonable measures. If they aren't allowed to discipline at all, what happens if you kids suddenly decide to act up? Even the sweetest and most well-behaved children have a tendency to change personalities when they are parents aren't around. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child with someone that I couldn't trust to discipline them properly.

[transformed]

I agree with you, I dont want her disciplining! Especially for saying "God!" I mean, I dont even correct him for language. (Ignoring it works better)

But I wonder how a babysitter handles hitting or something. Thats like the only thing I really "discipline" for in my home. (Unless we have a bad day and I discipline all day long for stupid stuff....I have to be honest.)

[transformed]

Originally Posted by angelpie545

I think that if you are leaving your children with a caregiver, whom you expect to ensure you children's safety and well-being, without your presence, then they should be all means be able to discipline your kids within reasonable measures. If they aren't allowed to discipline at all, what happens if you kids suddenly decide to act up? Even the sweetest and most well-behaved children have a tendency to change personalities when they are parents aren't around. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child with someone that I couldn't trust to discipline them properly.

My children tend to be sweet and well behaved with everyone ELSE besides me. Its when i am around they become lil monsters!

People always tell me how perfect they are and I am like "REALLY?!?!"

But then they disagree with my parenting tactics, LOL whatever. I am raising perfect kids, my parenting is fine.

[Jane]

When I was a teenaged babysitter, I stopped sitting for a few families that didn't allow me to protect myself - ie, make consequences for hitting, etc. most families in my neighborhood were spankers. I never spanked a kid I babysat - it seems wrong, ya know? But it was a more do-able job when the parents said "Spank 'em if they're bad" rather than communicating "Discipline them and you'll never come back".
How about asking your kids..."Does it bother you that you get in trouble for some things differently when the babysitter is here?" They'll tell if it's okay with them. They may like the challenge of showing their skills as adaptable, wonderful kids. Or they may want a different sitter. Or a sitter that has more ground rules from you.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by Apricot

When I was a teenaged babysitter, I stopped sitting for a few families that didn't allow me to protect myself - ie, make consequences for hitting, etc. most families in my neighborhood were spankers. I never spanked a kid I babysat - it seems wrong, ya know? But it was a more do-able job when the parents said "Spank 'em if they're bad" rather than communicating "Discipline them and you'll never come back".
How about asking your kids..."Does it bother you that you get in trouble for some things differently when the babysitter is here?" They'll tell if it's okay with them. They may like the challenge of showing their skills as adaptable, wonderful kids. Or they may want a different sitter. Or a sitter that has more ground rules from you.

My ds doesnt want her to come over anymore. He throws a fit. :-( She is a really good girl and I dont usually trust teenagers and I am bummed! (I was wild, so I assume they all are.)

[malibusunny]

When I was a nanny, I was mama ad litem. I did exactly what I thought T would do in the same situation, regardless of whether or not I thought it was the best thing to do. Example: T had a rule about eating x thing before eating y thing. I thought it was counterproductive, because the child liked x thing well enough, and making y thing a reward for eating x thing made x thing seem undesireable. But, I enforced the rule.

But, when T hired a different nanny (my school schedule changed) and I was just the babysitter? Totally different story. The babysitter gets to keep you up late and rush you to bed when she hears the parents' car in the driveway. The babysitter gets to let you get all muddy/covered in paint and just washes away the evidence at bathtime. The babysitter doesn't have to make you put away each toy when you are done playing with it-- she can let you get them all out at once and then put them away herself when you are done.

So, I guess I hesitate to make your babysitter into your mother's helper, because she might not enjoy the role nearly as much.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by malibusunny

When I was a nanny, I was mama ad litem. I did exactly what I thought T would do in the same situation, regardless of whether or not I thought it was the best thing to do. Example: T had a rule about eating x thing before eating y thing. I thought it was counterproductive, because the child liked x thing well enough, and making y thing a reward for eating x thing made x thing seem undesireable. But, I enforced the rule.

But, when T hired a different nanny (my school schedule changed) and I was just the babysitter? Totally different story. The babysitter gets to keep you up late and rush you to bed when she hears the parents' car in the driveway. The babysitter gets to let you get all muddy/covered in paint and just washes away the evidence at bathtime. The babysitter doesn't have to make you put away each toy when you are done playing with it-- she can let you get them all out at once and then put them away herself when you are done.

So, I guess I hesitate to make your babysitter into your mother's helper, because she might not enjoy the role nearly as much.

They are very different roles, i hadnt thought of it that way. I am not going to be using a babysitter at all because I will pay a mothers helper 3 hrs a week and that leave no money for fun kind of babysitting! :-) So this is going to be it for a while.

[Quinalla]

I think a babysitter should definitely be allowed to discipline if left alone with the children. If you are there, then you can do it or let her as you choose. Yes, you should discuss and agree on how to discipline, but if you don't allow her to do so, then it could be pretty miserable for both her and your child.

Now if you are just asking if she shouldn't worry about disciplining as much and be more of a playmate then an authoritative figure, then I think that is fine. But if she has to, she should be allowed to discipline in a way that you approve. And I agree that she doesn't need to be teaching life lessons, that can wait for you to get home, but she should be able to do basic discipline. As others have said, when I babysat, I refused to do so for kids where I wasn't allowed to discipline. There were a couple I sat for once and then never again, it was bad!