not sounding like a broken record? Doulas, I need suggestions

[texaspeach]

my very best friend from high school has asked me to attend her birth as a support person. Her boyfriend/baby's father will be there, and possibly her sister. she does not have a relationship with her mother. She's seeing a mw and birthing at a free standing birth center. She knows I've never attended a birth but am very birth/pregnancy positive and interested in midwifery and women centered health care. I did tell her that if she wanted me there I would be honored to be there, if she decided last minute that she didn't want company at her birth that would be ok, and if she needed to be alone that would be good too! I want to do what ever I can to support her. I know that labor is hard work. I just won't want to get irritating.

so.. I know she can do it. I'm confidant in her!

How can I express to her that she is capable, and doing a great job, with out sounding like a broken record? Saying "you're doing a great job!" over and over again has to get annoying to the birthing mom. I can only think of so many ways of saying "you're doing fine" "your body is opening for the baby" "you ARE doing it!" I'm most concerned with verbalizing my support with out getting irritating

[lorijds]

I find that most moms appreciate very specific praise and suggestions:

"You are doing a great job moving between contractions/slowing your breathing after contractions/relaxing between contractions, etc."

Also, saying nothing is helpful. I think eye contact and a confident, I'm-so-proud-of-you smile goes a long way.

Some other things I sometimes say "You are so strong, you're body is doing exactly what it needs to do." "I'm so proud of you, you are working so hard." "You are safe, you are strong." "Whew, listen to those heart tones! You may not like the contractions, but apparently your baby does! - or - Listen to how excited she is to see you!"

I always try to give some encouragement to partner, too. "You are holding her leg just right, that really helps open up her pelvis." "You are doing a great job keeping her hydrated." "Isn't it amazing how strong she is?!" "Doesn't she look absolutely beautiful?" "You two make a great team, you are so supportive." "It is really hard to be the support person; it's hard to see someone you love in pain and working so hard. You are doing a great job helping her."

I think what is most important is to be sincere. Say it with a smile on your face, in your eyes, and in your heart. Say it because you really believe it. Even though I have phrases that I usually say at every birth, I *always* mean it. I also think that saying what you think and feel is usually appropriate, as long as it is helpful, sincere, and supportive.

[coobabysmom]

During early & active labor, dh felt like a broken record but each time I heard praise and verbal support from him, it helped renew my sense of purpose. I did get annoyed by this during the pushing stage. I needed quiet and I had no issues expressing this.

Follow the mother's cue. She will most likely be wearing her emotions on her sleeve.

[1stimestar]

I find that most moms do not feel that broken record while they are in active labor. Each contraction is a new situation.

[Jane]

That's why I knit sometimes. Another helpful thing is to let moms know that everything is going as it should. Sometimes moms misinterpret the look of worry on their own mother's face...she concerned about her "Baby", not worried that something's wrong.

[lorijds]

Hey, I do that, too! I figure, it helps keep me from puttering about and putting my self, hands, or voice where they don't belong, and I think it must be reassuring as well--if the nurse is sitting in the corner, rocking and knitting, everything must be going smoothly! I usually knit gifts for friends; I think there must be good vibes in such items that they assume from all the births I've worked on them at!

[AzariaJordan]

I love the energy of knitting at a birth, too. It is so differnet than sitting there reading a book or mag. With knitting, your attention is completely present, but not focused on the mum or the "thing" you are doing...brilliant.

Great suggestions, lorijds. One other thing I have noticed with first time moms being helped by first time birth attendants is that sometimes there ends up being this enormous outpouring of physical support and verbal confirmations before things truly get full-on, which is when you really need these very tools to be fresh and bring the assurance and strength you are using them for. Does that make sense? It's that old scene of walking into a birth and all the comfort measures are being used for 10 minute apart mild contractions!
I'm certainly not advocating holding back any love or support...but sometimes people underestimate the power of just being totally present and focused on the woman. I feel lke that should be the basis for labour support, 100%, and then adding physical support and some of the verbal reassurances when appropriate can be really helpful as well. Like lorijds said, be sincere, and be present.

[Jane]

I've done a lot of movie-watching, and laughing and joking with moms in early labor. It's usually a situation where the mom's water broke and we're hanging out waiting for labor b/c the mom or me has a long drive, so it's not too common that I'm there then, but yeah, tailoring the situation to the labor is really important.

[Charmie981]

I agree that it doesn't sound like a broken record to mom, usually. When a mom's in laborland you might say something 80 times and it only registers with her once or twice.

I try to wait until I think mom NEEDS reassurance. There's a pleading "help me" look moms get in their eyes. You'll recognize it because it is totally and completely unnerving and you just want to DO SOMETHING, darnit (this is usually when the laboring mom's mom loses it, if she hasn't already, and when a husband/partner starts to feel lost, too). At that point, it's your job to say "this next contraction brings you that much closer to your baby...you're doing great, everything's normal" and so on.

Since you are doula-ing for a friend, be prepared that this stage where mom really starts to need reassurance will be REALLY hard. I recently caught my best friend's baby and her "help me" look had me near tears. I had to leave the room and leave my apprentice to hold her hand. : Fortunately, I needed to pee really badly, so I had an excuse and she didn't feel unsupported during that time (I asked her later and she didn't even realize I was gone, until she needed to push and I wasn't there...I was stuck in the bathroom trying to empty my bladder ).

[DoomaYula]

In one of Ina May's books I really noticed a lot of different types of positive affirmations for the birthing mom, I *think* it was Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.

I try to vary it between comments about the mom and comments about her body. I've yet to have a client tell me I'm saying too much -- like pps have said, they're usually in laborland and I'm not even sure if they even HEAR me.

I believe one of Odent's studies had a woman in the room not saying anything, just being there, and the laboring moms still reported more positive birth experiences than those who didn't have anyone there.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

This was something I struggled with as a doula. I only talked if the mom seemed to like it. I know that for most of my labors, I prefer quiet, and that I enjoy verbal support during transition only. I would tell the moms this - let me know what you need. If you need more talking, less talking, anything. I'm here to do what YOU want and I tend to stay out of the way as much as possible. A couple of births I felt like I barely earned my keep because the husbands were so great (these are the best though! It's the way it should be, IMO).

There was one birth where the mom needed constant talking. And she told me her husband was just saying the same stuff over and over and it was really annoying (they were kind of bickery anyway, even not in labor). Her mom was there and that was a huge relief, because we could kind of rotate around. There really is only so much you can say!