I'm a bad mom today

[MichelleS]

I lost it today. It’s been building for a while, and it really burst out today. I went into the kitchen this morning to wash some dishes while my two DD’s were happy in the playpens. Accidentally knocked over a full glass of DS’s lemonade from last night, and it went all over the floor and my shoes. I got dish towels to clean up and while I was on the floor drying a whole gallon of distilled water fell off the table and of course, the top came off and water flowed out everywhere. I just lost it, and yelled “F*ck” a few times and started crying. My toddlers got upset and started crying as well, so I felt guilty. I’ve been upset over my best friend dying very suddenly 4 years ago – it is never away from me for long but it’s been weighing on me very heavily these past few months. I’ve also been upset because I had a tubal ligation after the April 2006 birth of my DD. I have three children, and although I wasn’t planning on having anymore, I feel (and have always felt) very sad about having the procedure. I feel like I’m in a little tiny corner these days and I’m losing my footing.
I’ve got one friend, no others, and don’t know how to find the time to do what I want to. I have no family help, we don’t have extra money for baby sitters, and I feel like I’m drowning. My DH took a week off work starting tomorrow, and he is planning on going to upstate NY to visit his best friend. I feel jealous – jealous that he has a friend to see, jealous of his being able to go. He always tells me to go out but I feel like I can’t because when I try to take time for myself at night time he usually calls me in for help. The other day I said “What would you do if I weren’t here?”.
I just feel stuck right now. I’ve been trying to do stuff but it’s not going so well and I feel like I’m failing at everything right now.
Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get this out.

[snuggly mama]

I wish I had some words of wisdom to share with you. I know it can be so frustrating to just feel trapped, to feel like you don't have the kind of ability to choose anything about your life.

Getting upset and being sad don't make you a bad mom, though. It makes you human. And I know it upset your little ones to see you like that, but remember to go easy on yourself. Maybe just take some time to do a hobby that you enjoy (knitting? scrapbooking? reading some non-mommy related books?) while the little ones are napping or sleeping at night. Maybe while your DH is away you could rent or watch a funny movie that you've been wanting to see? Those are some of the things that have helped when I'm in a rough patch.

[Upside]

I have lost it like that before too. We have a very old cat the meows loudly and incessently. One day when I was trying to make DD lunch, she was whining, cat was whining, just got off the phone with MIL whining, DH always home late, totally burnt out and I lost it. I screamed at the cat to "shut up" and threw half an avocado at her. I never meant to hit the cat, but the avocado bounced off the floor and splattered on the cat who ran away and I started crying because I couldn't believe I threw something at the cat in front of my daughter. Then DD, who's two, started crying and it was just a big big mess.

I took a long weekend and visited an old friend out of town. I read two books cover to cover, didn't make food for anyone, didn't clean, didn't do anything except talk to my friend and read. It was awesome, but I was missing DD and DH even before the plane landed. It's hard when the little ones are so young because you never get time off if you are in the house. You can close a door and try to read or nap or watch the tube, but there is always someone calling for you. I can really sympathize.

[OceansEve]

None of that makes you a bad mom. It just shows how good of a mom you are because you feel bad about taking a well deserved break down.

[Quinalla]

First of all, you aren't a bad mom! You are human and allowed to get upset and there is nothing wrong with your children seeing that from time to time. However, it really sounds like you need a break. Give yourself an hour or two some night this week and tell DH not to call you unless the house is burning down and get out of the house. Go window shopping, for a walk, read a book in a coffee shop, etc.

[psychmama]

:

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[MichelleS]

Thanks everyone. I am planning on going thrift shopping today (big fun for me!), and will most likely be doing it ALONE.
So, I appreciate all the support!

[marybethorama]

I wish I could do more. I read about the situation with your dh on "Parents as Partners" and I think the situation you're in with dh going away is just awful.

All I can say is I've BTDT and I'm willing to listen anytime if you want to talk.

[LankyLizards]

Originally Posted by MichelleS

Thanks everyone. I am planning on going thrift shopping today (big fun for me!), and will most likely be doing it ALONE.
So, I appreciate all the support!

Have fun! I just spent like an hour at a used bookstaore all by myself and it was just amazing! I haven't had even 2 minutes alone in like 2 months. I think it's really helpful and necessary to get some alone time and I always feel like a better, more "together" kind of mama after. Oh, and I agree that showing emotion doesn't = bad mom, it is human. There is nothing wrong with expressing emotion IMO. The other night I was so stressed and started crying right in front of my little dd, which I felt so bad about. And it wound up to be such a great moment for us because she comforted me. At 23 months, she gently rubbed my arm and said "Okay." It was beautiful. Take care.