pregnancy mood fluctuations

[Surfacing]

Hi Moms,

Just thought I'd post here 'cuz I figured ya'll would understand!

I've had mood issues on and off throughout my life. I'm about 19 wks into this pregnancy and have a 2.y.o. dd#1 at home. I am a WOTH mother who feels the rush and pressure of modern city life.

Becoming a mother has been a very difficult transition for me. I wanted a family with all my heart and am glad to have one, love my husband and daughter, and am glad my daughter will have a sibling after Xmas. But........I am constantly fighting the feeling that I am not good enough, I am a terrible mother, my daughter is better off without me (e.g., my mother babysits her everyday while I work, am I'm so glad she does because I'm certain I'd 'ruin' her if she were at home with me everyday). I have issues with anger/rage/irritability (but have been working on it and happy to say that my self control has improved though I'm not perfect). I am petrified that I will be a horrible mother to my newborn and toddler. Etc.

When we have a bad episode like she's whining and crying all day, and I lose my patience or can't seem to do anything right to get her to stop, I feel hopeless and helpless, like I"ll never be a good mother, like I'm ruining her. Like I'm shameful and I might as well just not even exist. I think about suicide as an exit but I KNOW that is NOT the answer and it's NOT something I'd ever do. But the thought is there, you know, and I wish it wasn't.

Some days (like after a ton of sleep or when I have been exercising consistently during the week - even just 20 mins x 3 days) I feel happier, more confident and patient. Then I can't even remember what it's like to feel down. Then I have these days where the black cloud overtakes me and I feel like I'll never climb out.

I am worried because these mood fluctuations affect not only me and hubby, but now my daughter too. And the one to come.

I had my midwife refer me to a reproductive life stages psychiatry and psychotherapy program. I've tried meds twice in my life and never got past one tablet because the side effects were so strong for me, that I felt miserable. The triage nurse has now just referred me to the psychiatrist. I am afraid to try meds again because I don't want things to get worse, I want them better. I don't want to take time off work, I don't want to pop any pills that will affect this unborn child, etc.

On the other hand, I wonder if there is something out there that can help me. I don't know.

Psychotherapy, and particularly cognitive behavioural therapy, have worked very well for me in the past. But I don't have time for session -- guess I'd better make time though. Sigh.

Just feeling down and low and like crying! Thanks for listening.

[mom0810]

SO glad you posted. I would absolutely follow through with the psychiatrist and see what they have to say. Any time you are thinking about suicide it is an emergency, and you need to see someone asap.

The side effects from the meds DO go away. After about a week or two. By then, you are also feeling a lot better mentally. I was SO resistant to the idea of meds. I went on zoloft in November of last year and weaned myself off it by December. I hated the fact that I "needed" something. By February, I was in such bad shape that I could not get out of bed. Went back on, and have been fine ever since.

Not telling you what to do here, but just offering support. It sucks to need meds, especially if you are a perfectionist like I am, and think you should be able to do it on your own. The truth is, sometimes we all need a little help, and the meds are there to help us if we really need them.

I am still not crazy about being on the meds. I take 25 mg of zoloft and that seems to do it for me. I would LOVE to wean off them, but then I remember the despair and anxiety I felt before, and I know that I need to stay where I am right now. For now.

Hugs and support to you and hope you find the help you need.

[Surfacing]

I have seasonal mood fluctuations and usually feel dark and a bit suicidal in late January, the baby is due in early January, so I definitely want to get some help on board.

I've been so used to having these mood fluctuations throughout my life and just kind of riding them through, accepting them and watching them pass. But now with children it's different. What happens doesn't just affect me or even dh (he could handle my fluctuations but now with kids he's very sensitive and protective of them).

Side effects. Let's talk about them. I don't want something that's going to significantly disrupt my daily life. I'm worried about something that would temporarily make me LESS able to function (having to take time off work and needing a doctor's letter, meeting with management, record on my file, etc.). I'm worried about being less able to function in the evenings, dh coming home exhausted....usually we tag team the evening chores and childcare, and he's done a lot by himself when I was exhausted with this pregnancy, but I'm worried about wearing him out too. I'm worried about insomnia or feeling weird (humungous panic attacks, etc.) -- these things happened previously on the meds I tried. I seem to be so sensitive to meds. I also am very aware of the sensations in my body and mind, so feeling these changes are anxiety provoking. So I want to avoid feeling this way. KWIM?

Please talk to me about overcoming or sticking through side effects. Also did anyone decide it was too much? Thanks.

[willow659]

I've just started on prozac- low dose and I have no side effects. You could maybe ask for a super low dose. I don't normally encourage medication, but it makes a world of difference for me. HTH

[Surfacing]

Tomorrow I meet with the psychiatrist. We'll see what happens. Thanks for your two cents and support.

[smartalec]

when i was pregnant with my 2nd i experienced a lot of anxiety, depression, frustration, etc. much of it was sleep related- i didn't take anything for the problem, in part because i didn't even think of it (i'm actually now on zoloft for ppd). i did try acupuncture for the mood and sleep and found great success with it. i don't know if that's helpful at all... and definitely if you're feeling urgent you need to take care of yourself and see someone asap. you're not alone and there is something you can do for relief that's healthy and effective. best to you and your family.

[mom0810]

Looking forward to reading about how the appt goes!

[Surfacing]

Awww shucks! Thanks Mamas for your interest, support and commiseration.

I had the appointment today at the Reproductive Life Cycles Therapy Clinic in my city. I liked the psychiatrist, she seemed very AWARE of psychotherapy issues, not just prescribing meds.

After reviewing my issues, family history, personal history and experience with meds, the psychiatrist prescribed a super low dose of Prozac - 2 mg to start with. I have to go to a compounding pharmacy to see if they will give me this in liquid form or something because it's such a low dose. It's a dose they'd give to infants (I guess where there's been some withdrawl? I have to call the Motherisk hotline and find out what meds I can take while pregnant or breastfeeding). That's good because I've been VERY sensitive to meds I've tried in the past. Oh I hope this works and is helpful! Does anyone have experience with this super low dose? I'd love to hear about it.

I'm going to have some individual psychotherapy for my family abuse stuff that's been swirling up again (incl. issues with irritability, rage, supreme guilt, security, boundaries....wow, I'm really not THAT messed up though! ). She's recommended a few group sessions too so I can talk to other moms who are not finding everything so easy-peasy. IRL my friends don't listen well or talk well about the kinds of parenting issues that are rocking my world.

Anyhow, this is a hopeful step in the right direction. : I'm just nervous about trying the meds but it's worth it because my mood stuff is not just affecting me, but now my parenting.

Thanks for your support!

[Surfacing]

Just started my 2 mg dose of Prozac today in liquid form. It takes like peppermint! An after dinner apperatif, as my midwife said!
So far so good. No side effects. I'm so grateful. I hope this is helpful. We'll see how I feel as the dosage goes up. Keep yer fingers crossed for me, wouldya? : Thanks!

[Surfacing]

Well I sure did have side effects on Day 2 and Day 3. I was awake for 3 hrs each night (slept about 5 hrs/night), had tons more energy, felt very patient and had more of a sense of humour about things that would normally drive me batty (like normal toddler boundry testing -- dd lying on the diningroom table, not listening, etc.). Dh kept repeating how remarkable of a difference it was. I also found that I felt waaay less irritable and angry, and if I did feel some flare up, it just died away pretty quickly, certainly it was NOT as intense as it usually is.

Now on Days 4 and 5 I feel the old fatigue has returned and my patience is not what it was on Days 2 and 3. I'm hoping it'll swing up again as my dosage goes up. I wonder why it would be that way on the side effect days. I wonder if that's a sign of improvements to come but then my body has adjusted so it dies off again. Any ideas? TIA

[mom0810]

I think your body is adjusting. Remember, it's NORMAL to have mood fluctuations in everyday life. Especially during pregnancy. So I would look at it as good because the meds are not masking that. Plus, you have ONLY been taking it a little while and it takes 2 weeks or more for full effect and regulation.

I got better really quick once I started meds. But I still have up days and down days. I am happy for that, because I have read things about people just feeling numb on meds. That has certainly not been my experience. Just stick with it!

SO glad you had some light days there where you felt better. It will get better. I am pregnant and have a toddler, too, and I know what some of those days are like!!

[Surfacing]

Hi Mom0810 - yes, I agree that it's still good to have some fluctuations and not be totally numb! I find so far that it just takes the intense edge off of my negativity, which IS what I want. You're right, energy and mood fluctuate esp. while pregnant. I am on a really slow course starting on a low dose and upping the meds weekly until we reach a certain point.

Thanks for your support! I'm glad meds have been helpful to you! Wow, you're due pretty soon...