i'm confused?

[mamabee]

i was just reading some threads here, and swa ds in some of them,,,,but i think i have been a bad mama ....i am at wits end with ds, who just turned one last week....since he was about ten months-give or take, he has allways gone for the outlet, and he can get the plugs out of them, and he tries to put them back in-or other things....and he has started hitting me or dh in the face, (he can hit pretty hard) and recently he has started throwing things at me-usually stuff he wants me to do with him like a book or something....soooo...i say no to outlets and everything else but he laughs at me, if he pulls my hair or hits me off guard, and i say no liek it really hurts with surprise in my voice he will cry, but most of the time he will laugh and i know i have not been consistent with the nos and and one timw i was so frustrated when he kept going back to the outlet to pull the plug out i yelled no really loud and hit the wall-he burst up laughing hysterically and now thinks its a game....: i don't know what to do- or what he is doing? i read in dr sears baby book that if you ap then a baby will listen when you say no....dh is also getting to the end and he was brought up with spanking so he says that as soon as ds is able to understand he will spank him for defying him..he also thinks that ds Can understand right now and that he is a "smart" baby who "gets it".....sorry to rant, but i am so tired of struggling with the no's and i think i messed up but i don't know how to correct it..any advice? ( sorry this is solong)

[mamaduck]

A one year old is a baby and he can't possibly understand and obey the way that you would like him to. The *only* thing you can do is a more throughough job of child proofing.

You need to use safety plugs everywhere, and move heavy furniture in front of the outlets that have things pluged into them. We had rearrange all our furniture when ds started to get around the house.

There a lot of different things you can buy to help -- one place to shop for them is Home Depot in the hardware dept. There are plastic caps that look like bubbles -- you take off your outlet plate and screw the bubble cap over the pluged in cords and all. There are also special outlet plates that have springs behind the covers so that they "spring" and turn to cover the holes when something is unplugged.

This is not just a discipline issue -- it is also a saftey issue. Please spend some time thinking about how you can make your home safer for baby.

The Discipline Book doesn't say that APed babies respond to "no." It says that if you AP your baby, you will be an expert on what your child will respond to. As he gets older, if you know him well and he feels attached and trusting towards you -- you will know what sort of things he will respond best to.

As far as swatting him -- it isn't going to help a thing. It might well make him more persistant and more violent. He copies everything you do.

When he smacks you or pulls your hair, grab his hand and tell him to "use gentle touches." Stroke the back of his hand nicely, and then help him to stroke your hair nicely. Eventually -- he will learn. But it takes a long time. He's such a baby still.

Try to get your dh to start reading discipline books now! The library probably has all the best ones -- My favorite is "Kids are Worth It."

You are NOT a bad mama. You just need a crash course in discipline - thats all. Very few people can jump into a new situation and know exactly what they are doing. Most of us needed to make mistakes and learn from them.

[LoveBeads]

ITA with everything said, just wanted to add one thing. Try to minimize your use of the word "no" by using different phrases. The reason is that he is less likely to listen to you if he constantly hears the same "no" all the time, if you change the phrase it will get his attention.

"Please don't touch the plugs", "hugs for mommy,not hits", etc. are a few ideas but I'm sure you'll think of something creative!

Also, you are not a bad mother who messed up - you are doing exactly the right thing by seeking opinions and you sound like a very caring mother to me!

I would also like to urge you to never hit (spank) your child and not permit anyone else to do it either. I know that's easier said than done but I can't really say much more because to me it is that simple.

Good luck!

[Liz]

From my limited experience (my only child is 3) you are in a tough transition for a new parent. You haven't had to worry about discipline up to now but now that baby is so much more active you start to think you're behind already. Actually, all you can do at this point is lay ground work for the future. You re-direct re-direct re-direct and I mean physically re-direct not just calling from the kitchen (or couch in the case of my dh ) so it is VERY tiring. He is still a baby and only capable of understanding the simplest of concepts ("not for you, sweetie, how about this?"). He can't understand electrocution and it will be a long time before he has the self control to not do something strictly because you said so. It isn't defiance, he just doesn't understand.

Also don't get mad. This becomes a reward in itself. "If I do this Mummy gets mad. I wonder why? I'll do it again and try to figure it out."

And you have to try to be unfailingly consistent. With a new behaviour ask yourself if you are willing to take on this issue every time from now on no matter how tired you are or can you let it slide? If you think you can let it slide remember you are setting a precedent and can you deal with it happening over and over and over? Or is there a way you can take it out of the equation, like child proofing the outlets.

And read read read. I read somewhere that as a new parent you are learning more than you have since you were a child so apply ourself and study hard! It is very rewarding.

[G&K]

I just wanted to add that the laughing thing is pretty normal for that age. I remember asking all of my friends with kids at that age and almost all of our kids just thought it was hysterical when we said no. So I can sympathize, it was so frustrating!!

[mamabee]

thankyou all for the replies

i have learned a lot and thankyou for your input.

[Britishmum]

Great advice here so far!

Also, don't believe that just because you AP, your child will respond to 'no' any differently than any other child! AP, sadly, isn't a ticket to easy discipline!

Parenting a toddler is tough and can be challenging, AP or not. But by gentle discipline, you are raising a self-disciplined child - not a 'disciplined' child. Talk to dp about this - do you want obedience, or cooperation? What will benefit your child, and you, in the long run?

Good luck, and get dp onto the childproofing, which will be a much more effective use of his time than spanking.