"He doesn't know I'm teasing him, so it's ok"

[eilonwy]

My FIL tends to tease people- a lot. When DH was a child, he was constantly getting teased and he really hated it. It made his relationship with his father difficult for a while. At any rate, here's the latest chapter.

Two weeks ago, when we were down visiting, FIL began to tease DS. It really annoyed me and I told him that. DH is totally on my side with this, but we just couldn't make him see the point. He kept saying "Oh, he doesn't understand me anyway. He doesn't know I'm teasing him!" I said "No, he thinks you're just being mean to him for no reason at all." This went around in circles and got nowhere.

Last weekend, we were visiting again and FIL teased ds about his outfit (an adorable Hanna which I agonized over because it cost $30!) saying that he looked like he had just broken out of jail. (It was a bold striped romper which I think is super cute! ) Well, ds looked up at his grandpa and started to cry! One minute he was sitting there playing, and the next minute tears. I said "See? He does understand that you're being mean to him, and he doesn't know why!" He just kept looking at his grandpa with that sad face while DH picked him up and comforted him.

It made an impression: FIL was totally shocked. I hope it was enough to get the point accross, but I don't know that it was. So what else can we do to make him understand that it's not all right to tease someone just because they don't talk well enough to fight back or they "don't understand"?

[mirlee]

I grew up with some of this and I really equate it with a form of abuse. It is so hurtful. People often forget that words hurt more than a punch or swat. A word will linger forever. Hopefully grandpa learned his lesson and can make sure your son really knows he cares.


I sure hope your son is doing well. Please give him one of these for me

[Ione]

I have a similar issue with my ILs... they all "tease"... but it is really cruel stuff...
MIL classic to fussing 5mo old: "well, luckily no one loves you"... (I nearly fell through the floor when I heard that!!)

My strategy is constantly explaining and interpreting the "teasing"... DD is only 6 mo old and I've already told her tons of times that "teasing" is when people say things they don't really mean to be funny... and that grandma does that a lot...

For the "classic" above, I said: "there goes your grandma teasing you again... remember, teasing is when she says the opposite of what she means... she really means "everyone loves you"."

I know I'll never get her (and the whole friggin' family) to stop... they've been doing that to each other and everyone for ever and most of the time have NO CLUE just how cruel they are. I can only hope that by filtering and "translating" the "teasing", I can keep some of the hurt and sting away for DD...

Good luck to you... and keep sticking up for your DS! (even if you never get FIL to see what he's doing)

(Sorry, I can't post more on this issue, it's too close to home at the moment...)

[L.J.]

I just plain & simply don't understand the need to tease. I don't think there's anything positive that comes from it ever. I don't like jokes that come at anyone's expense.

I guess it may come down to the fact that your child or you may just quit going over there because of it. I know it's tough when it's family, but I also think that if your child hates going that may make an impact on your FIL. I don't know.

I know at times like that I try to really drive home the point with my kids that when people do that it's not about them.
It's not always easy.
Good luck.

[starbright]

I could just cry, I am so glad you posted this, my MIL does this to my son who is only 8 months. She has been doing it since he was born!! It drives me insane when for example I mentioned really enjoying the birth process and couldn't wait to do it again she told my son (he was like 2 months at the time) "oh your mom is going to put you in the corner and replace you" She also tells my son that we "abuse" him like if my dh bumped into him lightly or something.

One way I handle it is this...

At Easter, My son couldn't sit in a highchair yet (so who cares right??) well this was a huge issue because mil wanted him in a highchair : so I was holding him while I ate NO BIG DEAL and she says to my son "boy your mom has to sacrifice a lot to have you" I told her I don't consider it a sacrifice at all I consider it a blessing that I have him to hold!!"

Sorry to go off, I just am so glad other people understand how aggravating this is!!

[The Lucky One]

I'm sorry you and your family is going through this.

Here's what you need to ask yourself before you choose your course of action: is you FIL doing this because he's a mean and hateful person, or is he doing this because he doesn't know any other way to be?

I'm not defending him, but I do think there are just some people out there who for one reason or another cannot help but tease people. It's almost like they do not know how to relate to people any other way and they think their teasing is harmless or cute. It seems I've known lots of older men in my career as a nurse that have been that way. It's a weird way to be and unless you know how to take them, it can be very hurtful.

Now, if this is your FIL, I would approach him gently and explain to him what your definition of teasing is, that you find it hurtful as does your ds, and to please not do it anymore around you and him. Maybe he does not realize how inflammatory he is being.

On the other hand, if he is purposefully being mean, then I think you have a right to put a stop to it however you see fit, even if it means telling him off or something. Your job is to protect your ds, not to protect your FIL's feelings.

It's a crappy situation either way. Good luck!

lisa

ps. My ds has the striped romper you're talking about. It's SO cute, isn't it?

[eilonwy]

I'm so glad I posted this now. I had no idea that other people had to deal with this sort of thing, and I just feel better for sharing.

Lucky, I think that he is indeed the sort of person who doesn't know how to relate to people without teasing. The problem is that no matter how hard we (dh & I) tried to explain it to him, he still refused to acknowledge that it could upset the baby. He thought that we were upset for ourselves, and figured that since the baby "couldn't understand" it was ok to tease him.

Like I said, I think that when ds looked straight at him and burst into tears it made an impression.. I'm just hoping it took! I know that this really bothered dh for most of his childhood, and I am hoping that ds can have a better relationship with his grandfather than that.

[Embee]

Joining in a little late but just wanted to say that I hope FIL does indeed get the message. (And also perhaps learns that there are better ways of communicating with others.) It's never too late to learn something new...

It struck me as odd that his comment was, "it's ok because he DOESN'T know I'm teasing." Um, wouldn't this be exactly the reason to stop? If the point of teasing someone is to make fun with them, and the "teasee" isn't able to understand this, then the teaser needs to back up the truck a little. I do wonder why that's difficult for some to understand. Maybe if as many people who have been hurt by his teasing words were to come forward and calmly explain that they'd been hurt at one time or another, he would work harder at communicating more genuinely. *shrug*

Just makes me plain sad. For your DS and FIL too for that matter... and your DH and who knows who else. *sigh*

Best to you!

[The Lucky One]

He thought that we were upset for ourselves,

Shouldn't that be enough to make him quit teasing? I mean if he knows he's hurting your feelings, then why does he continue. That right there makes me think he won't care or quit even when he feels that baby can understand.

I'd explain the situation one last time, lay out exactly what you're feeling, and tell him that he must never tease the baby again, or he won't be able to be around him. Plain and simple. He's a big boy and he'll make up his mind and act accordingly.

lisa

[mcimom]

hmmm...i am a teaser of sorts (not mean i don't think) as is my whole family. it's the way we relate to each other.

if he's mean, he'll "fix" the situation himself in that ds won't like him or want to be around him. i know it was hard for dh, but it'll be different for ds b/c dad is much different than grandpa.

[DebraBaker]

Yeah, even if *he* doesn't know you're teasing *you* DO and that should be enough, huh???

Some people....

But seriously he likely needs your *husband* to take him aside and share the painful memories of his own childhood at the hands of this teasing grandpa. Perhaps *that* will open his eyes. But men are usually not brave enough to initiate such conversations.

DB

[oceanbaby]

Ooooh, this is a pet peeve of mine. My dad does stuff like this. Not teasing necessarily, but will say inappropriate things to ds, and then justify it by saying "he doesn't understand anyway." We got in a huge fight when my dad kept joking to ds about "wanting to kill grandma" (he and my mom are bitterly divorced). I gave him a warning, and he kept doing it, almost mocking me, and I about lost my mind. I ended up telling him that this issue is so important to me, that there is a clause in our will that stipulates that this kind of behavior is not to be allowed around ds, and if someone says these inappropriate things, they will not get to see him. (Can you tell I have had too many years of listening to this kind of thing?) He got really mad at me, accusing me of making a big deal over nothing, etc. etc. It was bad.

And I'm not buying this whole "they don't understand" thing. That's almost what bothers me more than the teasing. First off, they understand way more than we think they do. Secondly, even if they're not talking, they're still listening to everything we say. And most importantly, even if they don't understand the specific words, they most certainly pick up on the vibe. My ds could tell that I was really upset by what my dad was saying, and he got pretty upset during the whole thing.

Even though my dad insisted that I was just being hysterical and ridiculous, I think he really got that I wasn't going to let him say those things about my mom to ds. I had to listen to that crap growing up, and swore that my kids would never have to go through that.

So I think someone needs to make a big deal out of it, whether it's you or your kid. I was glad to hear that he started crying - I really hope that means the point got across. And if takes me flipping out and being "hysterical", well, then, that's the way it goes. Don't push me when it comes to my kids.

[UnaLuna]

Yeah my in-laws are like that too, I'm sorry this is happening to you. It makes every visit agony and only succeed in making you and your baby and husband feel bad. If telling him that you don't want to visit due to his behavior doesn't make him stop, maybe you can explain that he may not THINK your DS understands but we WILL soon, so maybe he should practice saying nice things NOW!