Advice needed.....

[apple_dumpling]

Hello everyone,

I hope this is ok to post in here. I have a dear friend who is TTC her first with her husband. They've gone through clomid, IUI, and now they have just finished up their third IVF with no success. Insurance-wise, this IVF was their last chance. They are trying to save up to finance other tries, but it's not easy. Adoption may be down the road as well, but again, that's $$$ they don't have right now - and her husband wanted a biological child very badly, even though she has always been open to adopting. Financially though, that is going to be many years away for them.

I'm just looking for advice on how to deal with this delicate situation. I don't want to say something insensitive... she's a dear, dear friend, and I just don't know what to say that doesn't sound, well... you know, I don't want to say 'it will happen in time' or 'God has a plan' or stuff like that... I know she doesn't want to hear that generic comfort right now, and I just can't think of HOW to effectively comfort her and help her through this.

We don't live close to each other unfortunately... we do visit a few times a year, but we probably won't see each other until December. Should I send something, and if so, what?

I don't want to look like I'm trying really hard to console her when she doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, but inside I know that she is hurting very badly, KWIM? :

Any advice, suggestions, BTDT, anything would help. Thanks.

[quantumleap]

Definitely do *something*. She may not want to make a big deal of this, but, to her and her partner, this *is* a huge deal.
Even just a note to let her know that you are thinking of her and that you hurt because she's hurting. Depending on how you guys interact, maybe you could send her stuff for a night "with" you. What do you guys usually do together? Movies? Could you send her a fluffy, girly movie and some popcorn salt or something? Do you guys read and talk about books? Maybe send a (not too serious) book, and tell her that you're going to read the same one?
I know this varies among women, but at the end of a failed cycle, if someone manages to remind me that I am a woman, with intrinsic value completely seperate from my ability to carry a pregnancy, it's always a good thing. If you can find a way to let her know that she is thought of and appreciated and that you value her no matter the state of her uterus.
You are wise to avoid the platitudes and advice. I just had a wonderful conversation with a fellow infertile woman yesterday and she pointed out that it's the people who ask questions who are the ones who really "connect" and offer encouragement.

Good luck, and thanks for looking out for a fellow mama in waiting. You're agood friend.
Katia

[ericaz]

Lots of hugs and a strong shoulder for her to cry on whenever she needs it. You sound like a great friend - she's a lucky woman.

[apple_dumpling]

Thanks to both of you... I'm going to think of something to send to remind her that I am thinking of her and that I am here for her, without piling on the stuff I know she is hearing from everyone else that she doesn't want to hear from me.

Thanks again... and if anyone else has anything to add, I'd love to hear