When you disagree with what your child is being taught . . .

[oceanbaby]

I am a big fan of Protecting the Gift (it cemented what I already believed), and as such I don't believe in teaching "stranger danger" to my kids. I mean, we have talked about never leaving the playground with anyone, staying where we can see them, and the like. But I don't teach them not to talk to strangers.

So we're looking into martial arts classes for ds1, and a studio near our house comes highly recommended. In browsing their website, I see that part of what they teach the kids involves "don't talk to strangers" and "never get close enough to a stranger where they could grab you." I would never teach my child either of these two things. We live in a big city - how can you possibly go throughout the day not talking to strangers, or not being close enough that they could grab you? This is unrealistic at best, but I believe it is actually dangerous in that it distracts kids from tuning into their own inner voice about who they can and can't trust.

They studio also talks about teaching the kids to "respect adults" which is another issue I have. I want my kids to be respectful towards others in general, but more importantly, to not feel obligated to do what someone tells them to just because they are an adult.

I checked out other studios in the area, and they mention pretty much the same things. So it's not a problem with this particular studio, but the philosophy that seems to be generally accepted as the right thing to teach to children.

How do you handle this? Would you say something to the instructors? Do you tell your child that what they are being told is not entirely correct? Or do you just let it slide, and have faith that what they are taught at home carries more weight?

[Mothra]

Do you tell your child that what they are being told is not entirely correct?

That one. We do this all the time. Schools teach kids to look for police officers if they are in trouble. Well, they are usually scarce when you need one most. We teach our kids to ask a woman for help if they are lost or in trouble. This "stranger danger" stuff is so deeply ingrained in our society and doesn't do jack to actually keep kids safe. It seems like the philosophy of that martial arts studio is pretty well seeped in this stuff, so saying something to them about it probably won't help. I'd find another studio, one that focused on personal wellbeing and building confidence, which is what martial arts should be about at that age--not protecting oneself.

[velochic]

I understand where you are coming from and it's a difficult decision. I would probably spend a lot of time with him explaining what exactly you don't agree with. My dd was taught stranger danger last year, and I have to admit that I've been embarrassed once or twice when she has been addressed at the bank or grocery store and literally ignored the person. How rude of her! But she was proud of herself for listening and doing what she had been taught (she was 4 at the time)! It's been a year since they taught her this and I'm still trying to undo the damage. So I really understand your concerns. At that young age, it was all or nothing for her. But your son's about 6, right? He can probably understand the finer details of stranger danger, so it may not impact him, especially with you talking him through it.

Could you do a trial enrollment and see if they go "overboard" with their talks before you commit to the studio/lessons? If they are really over-doing the "stranger danger" talks, you wouldn't have to keep him there, but you'd not lose money either.

[Jessy1019]

I haven't read "Protecting the Gift", but I don't teach my kids to be wary of "strangers" either . . . I think the entire concept is rather silly.

I would just tell my kids that our family doesn't agree with what the teacher is saying, and that they should disregard that part of his lessons. I would also explain WHY we disagreed.

I see myself having quite a lot of these talks once dd starts school.

[Benji'sMom]

I wonder if there's a way to find out how much time they actually spend on teaching all this other stuff besides just doing martial arts - maybe get contact info for "references" (other parents). Maybe they sell it hard on the website that they teach manners and stranger danger, but don't really spend time on it in class.

[Quinalla]

There is going to a time eventually, even if you don't sign up for this class, where your child is going to be taught something you disagree with. I think explaining that you don't agree with it and why is your best bet.

Also, it may be they don't focus on this stuff much in class but sell it on the website because other parents want this. Either way, it is good they are being upfront about it so you know what they are teaching.

[NoHiddenFees]

This sounds rather like the Tae Kwon Do classes DD1 started out with awhile back, and, yes, they did actually take the time to teach this stuff. We pulled her out for a number of reasons and moved her into Aikido. It's a gentler experience than TKD (I know a lot depends on the dojo and instructor, but this is our experience), more respectful towards children and their needs, and there's no yelling. Parenting issues are also left to me.

My problems with the TKD were its militaristic nature (Yes SIR!) and our philosophical disconnect regarding the relationship of parents to their children. I can re-educate about stranger danger, but we would have to have lied for her to fill in her weekly "character" checklists and that wasn't an example I wanted to set (we chose not to turn them in at all). However, these issues didn't have time to come to a head because the volume issue was too much for her; she is uncomfortable in a noisy environment.

[bellymama]

it can be a good opportunity to start showing your kid that some people will tell him things and others will tell him different things, and how to start doing critical thinking on what he thinks is right.
obviously he is really young, and you are the final word, but i am just saying it could be a good intro into discussions like that. up until now he probably has had ONLY you for guidance...now as he gets older he will have more and more people telling him things that may or not be different from what you have been teaching him...so might as well start teaching him about that.

[Tigerchild]

Most "real" schools of martial arts do teach respect for elders/higher ranking folks. However, it's not cultish respect (unless the person running the school is a sicko or control freak). Culturally, of course it's going to be structured that way. However, none of my friends who are heavily involved in martial arts is in ANY way a slavish devotee of higher authority, quite the opposite in fact.

So I consider that a separate concern from your other ones. If you don't want the traditional structure of a dojo or school, then there's normally pretty good parks and rec courses, ect. that you can sign your kids up for that do not have the formal structure, where they can get some of the skills, but not the traditions. Personally, I'd rather go to a school with the whole package, but hey...your kid, your choice. I'd just be careful about limiting your options because of baggage you attach to the phrase. Ask the instructors what they mean about that first, and if your gut still tells you no way, then keep looking.

As for the stranger danger, I'd ask about that too. Though to be blunt, that seems to be a bit out of place in a real martial arts school, since one of the purposes is to teach you to be aware and confident in your environment, in any circumstance. So I'd be worried that their kids program is not up to snuff if they feel the need to include stuff like that, since it seems to be contradictory. One of the really good schools around here does go over safety awareness with the kids, but it's more along the lines of telling them to trust their gut, basic safety rules, ect. It could be that someone flubbed the description of what they teach. It's awfully hard to judge a curriculum by a website.

Most places will have a free trial class, where you can drop in and your kid can take a class. That would be a good idea. Or you can ask the school for an email address for the kids' instructor(s) and then get a dialog going.