I guess this is a vent....friends who smoke pot openly....

[TranscendentalMom]

I've formed a group of mama friends over the years. Where I live, most of the alternative NFL types are hippies. I knew that some of them smoked pot when I met them but it didn't really bother me because I assumed they smoke after their kids go to bed or whatever. Turns out a few in particular smoke around their kids and some of their husbands do too. I've formed one friendship in particular with someone who I feel is a very conscious parent, we relate a lot on parenting issues and our kids got very close. She puffs but only when at a party or after kids are asleep and it seems pretty occaisional. HOWEVER, it turns out, her dh is stoned 24/7, around the kids etc etc. Recently, when we were all on a family bike trip, he lit a blunt in front of the kids on the trail. I'm quite shocked really as my friend is such a great mama, I'm surprised she "allows" it. I know she's told me before that she thought it was neglectful that her own mother allowed her to drink and get high as a teenager. She also just quit smoking cigarettes because her dd called her out on it and said "I thought you were supposed to teach me good things"

Our older kids have just turned 5. We've talked about going to the same school that they are going to but our kids would be in different grades. After reading another thread on MDC about pot and young kids being exposed to it, I realized that the only thing I can really do to make sure my kids aren't smoking pot at a young age is to make sure the parents have the same values. I have to assume that if they smoke in front of the kids, they will allow their kids to smoke pot too?

Let me just say....I'm not unrealistic that my child is NEVER going to smoke pot. I know kids experiment and I want to have an open relationship about that. What I'm trying to prevent is him smoking pot at 12 which I think is too young. I'm worried if I let my friendship with these folks continue - their kids are going to have access to pot which means mine will. I'm not so much against occaisional pot smoking but I think habitual pot use gets in the way of goals, health, overall well being. I'm not really looking to debate that - I've already done that elsewhere....its my own view from experience and observation. As a parent, I can't condone it no matter what study someone quotes me. I know there's people who will argue that its actually good for you.

My feeling is that I need to let the friendship fade away. It makes me sad but I can't think of anything else to do. I can't tell them what to do with their family but I have to do what's right for mine. My question is...do you think I should avoid going to the school system (which offers alternative education) where a lot of the parents smoke, or should I try to find something else.

Any thoughts welcome...I know this was sort of rambling...thanks for listening!

[Benji'sMom]

I think you should choose the school based on the school (education), not the parents. Because you don't want your kid to end up in a school where all the parents are fine by your standards but the education sucks, yk? But, yeah, I think you should look around and if you find one with good education and good parents, that's great.

[AbbieB]

Originally Posted by TranscendentalMom

After reading another thread on MDC about pot and young kids being exposed to it, I realized that the only thing I can really do to make sure my kids aren't smoking pot at a young age is to make sure the parents have the same values. I have to assume that if they smoke in front of the kids, they will allow their kids to smoke pot too?

What I'm trying to prevent is him smoking pot at 12 which I think is too young. I'm worried if I let my friendship with these folks continue - their kids are going to have access to pot which means mine will.

My feeling is that I need to let the friendship fade away. It makes me sad but I can't think of anything else to do. I can't tell them what to do with their family but I have to do what's right for mine.

Sorry, I edited down you post to respond.The bolding is mine.

First, I think that you and your parentingare the important factors for passing on values you approve of. If you talk to your kids about drug use and how you feel about it they will learn from you, rather than their friends parents, what appropriate behavior is.

Second, knowing that your child's friend has access to drugs puts you in a much stronger parenting position than not knowing. You can have discussions about your expectations and values concerning it. It's not like your child will never have other friends with access to drugs. You can also have a conversation with the other parents about it, since they seem to be open about there use. I see nothing wrong with letting them know that it's not OK for your future 12 year old to be experimenting at their house.

This leads me to point number 3, why not discuss your concerns with the friends that smoke? You don't have to tell them how to act in there own home but you can let them know that you prefer not to expose your family to open drug use. If it is a friendship you both value there should be a way to work this out. And when you see a friend, or friend's husband lighting up in front of your kids there is nothing wrong with saying, "Yo, Dude, not in front of the kids."

And last, I agree with Benji'sMom , choose a school based on the education they provide, not on the fact that other parents smoke pot.

[alegna]

My mom smoked cigarettes my whole life. Still does. Never made the available to me- young or otherwise.

-Angela

[Shaki]

Well I can't really answer your questions but I can share my experiences as the child of pot smokers. My parents and all their friends smoked openly in front of us (and all the kids) whenever they felt like it. This was the 70's and people didn't know as much as they know now. I was embarressed by this when I was in grade school, and made my parents forbid any pot smoking at my bday parties (I didn't want my friends to know about it, because althuogh it was normal in my parents circle I knew it wasn't accepted by society at large).

However once I got to high school I decided to try pot. Guess where I got it? Daddy's nightstand. Guess what I discovered? Smoking pot is fun. Guess where I continued to get it? Yep, dad's night stand. Guess what happened when I decided to talk with my mom about this? She simply told me to stop. "Hmmm," I think, "my parents are hypocrites." So I continued to smoke pot, but lied about it from then on. Opening the door to the lying, I think was probably the worst part of all this. Although now that I'm a mom I have no retroactive advice on how my own mom could have handled that situation better. She was doing the best she could, and it was a tough one.

I am not now anti-pot smoking. However I currently avoid it and if I ever do partake again, I will not smoke infront of my kids. But I will always try talk openly with my children about their interest/questions/experiements with pot etc, if they are willing to discuss it with me. I don't think they need to know what all I did cause that just sort of gives permission (plus I did quite a lot), but I want them to feel that they do not need to lie or hide anything from me. And most particularly I want them to feel comfortable coming to me or calling me if they're in a bad situation and need some help. That's what I worry about the most; my kid being in a car with a drunk/high driver or my kid being that driver. I want her out of the car and in a cab or waiting for me to come get her in that situation. SO what can I do to make sure that happens? Probably not much. It's really up to her. But whatever I can do, I will. And here's the kicker...my kid's not even 2 yet and I'm already worrying about all this! Jeesh...parenting is hard!

One more thing, lots of parents (myself included) drink in front of their children, and no one worries too much about that (I'm talking a glass or two of wine). I think there's validity to the old argument that booze is worse than pot. So there's my own hipocrisy. And something to think about...

Good luck to you. I hope you don't lose the freindship as it sounds like you get lot's out of it.

[hippymomma69]

Have you tried talking to the mom about it? It sounds like she is pretty conscientious herself and I'm sure she would understand about her H's use in front of your kids. Maybe you all can just get together when he is not around?

As far as access - well it's a concern no matter what. I think drugs are far more pervasive than people assume (much of it is hidden). But I totally understand how you feel and I would think the same thing...it's a tough decision you have about whether or not to keep being friends with these people or finding a school district where drug use is less prevalent.....

peace,
robyn

[EnviroBecca]

I can understand being upset about someone lighting up a blunt in front of your children! That is the kind of thing that, while people may decide to do it in front of their OWN kids, they ought to know it's not generally accepted and discreetly ask if it's okay before they do it! If he doesn't understand that, perhaps he IS smoking too much pot.

However, I think you are jumping to conclusions about some things, and it would be sad to let a good friendship go over this. You didn't mention discussing it with your friend--have you tried? Rather than break off contact with her, I think it's worthwhile to explain your feelings on the subject and your long-range concerns, and see if you can work out a standard for their behavior in the presence of your children that's acceptable to both families. Since you're in an area with so many pot-smoking parents, you're bound to end up in this situation again, so IMO you may as well negotiate it now and be prepared to negotiate it again with others...because the alternative is writing off a lot of people who otherwise would make good friends.

Is marijuana legal where you are? If not, this is an issue that is going to come up for your friend and her husband again as their kids get older and bring home friends whose families have different values. Better for them to iron it out with you now and figure out a more suitable way to behave with other people's children around, than to keep on this way and have one of their kids' friends call the cops on them!

I realized that the only thing I can really do to make sure my kids aren't smoking pot at a young age is to make sure the parents have the same values.

How about making sure YOUR KIDS have your values?

I have to assume that if they smoke in front of the kids, they will allow their kids to smoke pot too?

My partner and I drink coffee in front of our kid. We do not allow our kid to drink coffee. It's true that having coffee in the house and seeing how it's prepared will give him some opportunity to drink coffee sneakily, when he's older and not constantly supervised. He might even brew coffee and share it with his friends. And because we're used to our house smelling like coffee, we might not notice. There's some risk of that happening. But that's not the same as allowing our kid to drink coffee or allowing his friends to drink coffee without their parents' permission.

What I'm trying to prevent is him smoking pot at 12 which I think is too young. I'm worried if I let my friendship with these folks continue - their kids are going to have access to pot which means mine will.

I agree that 12 is much too young. I disagree that a kid who has access to a substance just automatically will use it. I grew up in a home with liquor, coffee, and prescription narcotics, but I never used any of those things until I was 16 and my mother had talked with me about how to use them safely and appropriately. Although they were stored in places I could reach by the age of 5, I understood that liquor and coffee are only for adults and prescriptions are only for the person named on the label. My two best friends had parents who smoked cigarettes almost constantly and left them within reach (one friend, starting at age 4, brought her mom a cig and a Dr Pepper every morning to get her out of bed!) but they never smoked as kids or offered me cigs; we weren't close after 6th grade, but as far as I've ever seen or heard, neither of them has ever smoked at all.

So, I think you're jumping to conclusions about how having friends whose parents smoke pot will affect your kids. Consider talking with your friend about it. Definitely talk with your children, starting at the next convenient opportunity, about how some things adults do are not good for kids and about how some things are best done in moderation. Don't choose your school system based on this; there are many more important issues to consider, and parents who don't use substances openly may nonetheless have "forbidden fruit" around the home. If you don't like hippies and are nervous about having to deal with them yourself in your child's school, that's a separate issue from what drugs they use.

[kathywiehl]

I think my concern would be that that pot is illegal, and if they got busted with you and/or your kids around, then what? I'm not totally anti pot and part of me thinks it should be legal, but as of right now it's something that can get you in lots of trouble and no parent should put themselves in that position. It's just irresponsible, IMO.

And because I know someone is going to respond, asking me if I drive over the speed limit, yes I do sometimes but I can't lose custody of my kids because of it.

[EnviroBecca]

Shaki wrote:

However once I got to high school I decided to try pot. Guess where I got it? Daddy's nightstand. Guess what I discovered? Smoking pot is fun. Guess where I continued to get it? Yep, dad's night stand. Guess what happened when I decided to talk with my mom about this? She simply told me to stop. "Hmmm," I think, "my parents are hypocrites." So I continued to smoke pot, but lied about it from then on. Opening the door to the lying, I think was probably the worst part of all this. Although now that I'm a mom I have no retroactive advice on how my own mom could have handled that situation better.

What your mom could have done better, IMO, is:
1. to talk with you from an early age about how marijuana is not good for young people's developing brains and to give you some idea of what she believed was an appropriate age to try it if you wanted to
2. to thank you for telling her and encourage you to continue being honest
3. to tell you WHY she wanted you to stop, so that you could understand why it was okay for her but not for you, instead of assuming she was a hypocrite
4. to address the fact that you had been using your dad's pot without permission, which is in fact stealing, and make you pay for it and/or apologize
5. to move the stash. You might have found it again, but at least it would have broken your habit for a while.

I don't think they need to know what all I did cause that just sort of gives permission (plus I did quite a lot), but I want them to feel that they do not need to lie or hide anything from me.

I have never understood why parents think this attitude will be effective. "They don't need to lie or hide anything from me, but I'm going to hide things from them for their own good." : You did things that you now believe you should not have done. Why not explain that to your children so they can learn from your experience instead of repeating it?

Edited because I realized I sounded kind of harsh, and I wanted to say that I think you do have an important insight here: "Opening the door to the lying, I think was probably the worst part of all this." Once a kid starts lying to her parents about one thing, it becomes that much easier to lie about other things, and that puts a distance into the relationship that makes it difficult for the parents to know what's really going on or be of any help to the kid.

[WhaleinGaloshes]

Originally Posted by TranscendentalMom

...After reading another thread on MDC about pot and young kids being exposed to it, I realized that the only thing I can really do to make sure my kids aren't smoking pot at a young age is to make sure the parents have the same values...

In general, sheltering your kids from things that you hope they'll choose to avoid is not a good strategy. You can let all the friendships you want fade away, you even attempt can pick and choose your kids' friends for them (the extension of picking your own friends based on the 'exposure' criteria), but you will not succeed in sheltering your kids from drugs.

The only thing you can do to guide your kids toward eschewing pot at a young age is to communicate openly, truthfully, early and often with them about your values and concerns.

Originally Posted by TranscendentalMom

... I have to assume that if they smoke in front of the kids, they will allow their kids to smoke pot too?...

No, I don't think that is a valid assumption.

[calidarling]

My parents smoked pot my whole life and still do in fact They never did it in front of me until I was in high school but nor did they hide it. They always made sure that they would be able to take care of me if an emergency came up and were always open about it with me.

If I had wanted to smoke in high school or even younger I am sure that they would have facilitated that experience for me in a safe and loving way, however, I never felt the need.

The first time I smoked pot I was over 18.

I feel that a lot of your fears are based on assumptions and you are more influential on your childrens value systems then family friends.

Now every one will react differently to situations. I can see how someone else would have become a major smoker if they were in the same situation I was.

You have every right to end your friendship, but, if I were in your situation and felt the way you feel, I would first try to set boundries such as no smoking at play dates or around my children at all.

I am a big believer in honesty ( even if I dont practice that %100 of the time ) and I think you should talk openly to your friend.

good luck

[Shaki]

Originally Posted by EnviroBecca

Shaki wrotehat your mom could have done better, IMO, is:
1. to talk with you from an early age about how marijuana is not good for young people's developing brains and to give you some idea of what she believed was an appropriate age to try it if you wanted to
2. to thank you for telling her and encourage you to continue being honest
3. to tell you WHY she wanted you to stop, so that you could understand why it was okay for her but not for you, instead of assuming she was a hypocrite
4. to address the fact that you had been using your dad's pot without permission, which is in fact stealing, and make you pay for it and/or apologize
5. to move the stash. You might have found it again, but at least it would have broken your habit for a while.

I have never understood why parents think this attitude will be effective. "They don't need to lie or hide anything from me, but I'm going to hide things from them for their own good." : You did things that you now believe you should not have done. Why not explain that to your children so they can learn from your experience instead of repeating it?

those are good retroactive parenting suggestions for my mom! Especcially 1,2, and 5. I don't think the stealing tack would have been very effective, or the "it's okay for me but not you," (cause that's basically what she did say--what teenager is gonna buy that one?) but the other ones would have been. Thanks I'll be keeping those ideas in mind.

I hear you on the "I don't want the kids to lie but I will to protect them by not being honest myself" thing. I've thought about this alot and actually discussed it at length with a woman who counsels young people. Let me clarify my thoughts...

First, if I'm asked a question I will answer it honestly, but not in great detail. Because the focus of the conversation is my child and her experience not "i did xyz bad thing, regret it now, and hope you can avoid it." Further my friend explained to me that many of her young clients are totally freaked by their parents sharing to much info about their sex life or drug use. The parents seem to think they are being helpful, but it has a boomerang effect (on most of the kids my friend works with any way). She says it can make them feel a wide range of things. But most frequently the teens she sees feel either pressured to keep up with whatever their parent did at their same age, or that they have permission to do it even if their parent advised against it, or just totally grossed out by tmi. But what really struck me about my friend's take on this whole thing was that her clients often felt that their parents were more interested in talking about their own experiments with drugs and sex than in LISTENING to their children.

Hope that makes my point clearer.

[newmommy]

I can't stand the smell of pot. It really stinks to me. I can't stand to be around smoking (cigarettes, blunts whatever). And yes both my parents smoked pot. In front of me.

DH and I both come from pot smokers and crack addicts and we are just....firm on our feelings. Anyway, I know in my heart, I couldn't forge a friendship with a pot smoker...let alone let my kid attend a school where the majority of Parents are pot smokers (if I had knowledge of this of course!). That's just me and I won't apologize or debate about it.

I can honestly say there is no one our circle of close friends who smoke (blunts, cigarettes, anything).

His Aunt is a pot smoker and smoked in front of her young children. Today, her children are 24 and 26 and 1 of them smokes pot regularly...in front of all his kids (Ages 1, 2, and 6). Unfortunately, since he is stoned on a regular basis, he doesn't have a job and he's lost the ones he had due to random drug tests. The couple of times I've seen the guy, he always has this glassy look, like he SEES you...but doesn't really SEE you KWIM?

When Aunt comes over she smokes pot right along with him...in front of the kids. So those kids are frequently inhaling pot and cigarette smoking ALOT.

And funny, she asks DH why we never come to visit!!

Sorry OP, I can't offer much advice.

[alaskaberry]

Have you brought up your concerns to your friends dh? Can you ask him not to smoke in front of your child?

I smoke pot too, but not around ds. That would piss me off though and I can see where you are coming from.

(sorry about my bad grammar, every time i press the apostrophe key i get a prompt for the quick finder...grrrrr!)

[maplesugar]

I don't think it is that big of a deal. I certainly wouldn't break a friendship over it. Your kids are likely to not even notice or just think it is a cigarette or something. Although cigs are worse in my opinion.

[Ruthla]

There's no guarantee that there won't be pot-smokers at some other school.

So select the school that you think is the best fit for your kids. And if you're not comfortable hanging out with somebody who is going to smoke pot around you or your children, then tell them you don't want pot smoked in your presence. If that leads to spending less time with these friends, then so be it.

[TranscendentalMom]

Thanks for all the advice. I know there will be pot smokers at other schools and you are right - at least at this one I'll know who they are! I already know which ones smoke in front of the kids and which ones don't which gives me some advantage. I appreciate all your stories and feel a bit better. Luckily neither dh or I smoke pot or cigarettes so we don't have to worry about hiding, lying etc. I agree that we are the primary influence. I don't know what we'll do as far as school goes.

I've talked about this a little bit with my friend, but I know she's already hidden a lot from me in this regard already. I think she's aware how I feel. I don't think she approved of him smoking openly. I don't know if I'll say anything or not. Intuitively, I feel like they'll just get defensive and I've had enough confrontation recently. More than anything, it just reflected a lack of boundaries which makes me uneasy. There's also the added fact that he careened down a mountain trail stoned with a 2 year old on the back of his bike! Obviously ds will NOT be having unattended playdates over there!

[PrennaMama]

This is kind of a toughy; pot is such a grey area in our culture...

Trancendental, it sounds like the whole experience (knowing they partake, and then SEEING him openly puffing, WHILE biking with his kid etc) really rattled you. And that kind of emotionally charged experience is enough to make anyone think twice about the state of things.

I think it might be helpful to you to try inventorying the positive aspects of the relationship you have with this family, and then weigh that against their lifestyle decisions. After that, if you come out feeling the relationship is still important and valuable to you and your family, there may be ways to resolve the primary issues (no partaking of, discussion of, or exposure to pot around our children or us) in a manner that still honors your friends and your friendship.

I partake occassionally myself, as do the majoirty of my friends... Dh does not. (but he'll bring it home to me, sometimes, saying he brought me "flowers") I have friends that do NOT partake. I respect that. And if one of them came to me saying that my use of pot was grounds for considering the termination of our friendship, I would hope we could communicate and come to a resolution without having to "break up".

And like a pp said, there's no harm in your throwing out a "Hey, not in front of the kiddos, man."

As for seeking out a different school because of this scenario... could it be that this reaction was part of that initial emotional charge? It doesn't seem reasonable to discard what was, in your eyes, a good school-situation because you got a peek into the private life of this family.

We rarely ever know what really goes on with any other family. Any school you take your kiddos to will definitely have parents who do way worse than puff mj... and you can't be a fly on the wall in all those homes, nor sheild your children from every interaction with every undesirable.

Another pp had great insight, pointing out: better the KNOWN, than to not know.

[TranscendentalMom]

Prenna Mama, Good advice. You are reading me well...I realized tonight I am rattled...maybe a little overly so! I am definitely taking the situation and going to infinity with all the "what ifs." Its not fair to put all this on the guy for taking a few puffs of a blunt in front of the kids. I think I could casually make a comment about it to my friend.

Also, I wasn't talking about cutting off the friendship cold, just taking a step back, letting my ds's bond with their kid fade a little. Avoiding weekend plans with them when her dh is involved. I think I will do this regardless of whether or not I have a conversation about it.

I think it brings up other issues for me...memories of when I used to "self medicate" with pot and how much it would upset me to see my kids do the same. It brings up fears about other influences. I agree that parents smoking some MJ is probably the least of my worries. I agree that I could see this whole thing as positive...I can have a discussion with my son about it when the time comes. Tho I still don't know how I'll address the legality issue? Anyway, its all good, thanks so much for your advice!

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by TranscendentalMom

I think it brings up other issues for me...memories of when I used to "self medicate" with pot and how much it would upset me to see my kids do the same.

In light of this, I can see why you are so worried.

If we raise emotionally healthy kids, they will not be likely to do this. IMO, it is possible to smoke pot responsibly, just like it's possible to drink responsibly. Some people self-medicate with alcohol, or food, or airplane glue. If someone is prone to do that, they will do it with whatever is available to them.

Personally, I don't think it's hypocritical to smoke pot and tell our kids they can't. I wouldn't give my 12 year old alcohol, or let him/her drive a car. There are tons of things adults can do that kids can't, and shouldn't. I don't see a problem with that.