Possible Bullying/Passivity Help!

[`guest`]

My son is seven and he is a very gentle soul. He is not perfect, just tends to the more laid back side. My husband and I do not hit ever or yell (much).

Lately the neighbor's kid who is younger (6) has been really bossy...to the point of almost bullying. His dad yells alot and hits...This kid is very competitive, has to be in control, first all the time. My son really doesn't seem care about that, although I think he would like to be first sometimes too. He just wants to get along, I think.

This is posing a big problem, last night the neighbor along with his brother and one other child were playing "prisoner" which involved my son being the prisoner, with his arms behind his back and then they proceeded to shoot him with their nerf guns. My husband saw this, and was watching to see what happened, before intervening. My son started crying for them to stop and they laughed...

SO is this just harmless play? Should I continue to allow my son to play with this kid? He is our next door neighbor. (This behavior has bothered me in the past, but again my son is very easygoing, things like this don't seem to bother him.)

I asked my son if this bugged him, and he said yes. I need help or advice with this...any replies are much appreciated.

[offwing]

It's so hard when your child is being treated that way and doesn't know what to do! Poor little guy.

For what it's worth, I don't think the neighbor kids' behavior is off the scale. Not that I am excusing it, but your son will run into people in this world who are more aggressive than he is and he'll need to find a way to deal with it.

It might be a good idea to talk to him about trust. That by allowing himself to be tied up and therefore unable to take care of himself, he was putting a lot of trust in the hands of kids who only have earned a little trust. That even though most people are nice you still have to be smart and take care of yourself too. Teach him to be able to firmly say "No and find the security to do so without being afraid and crying.

I definitely think that you can raise a kid who is gentle without being a target.

[`guest`]

Originally Posted by offwing

It's so hard when your child is being treated that way and doesn't know what to do! Poor little guy.

For what it's worth, I don't think the neighbor kids' behavior is off the scale. Not that I am excusing it, but your son will run into people in this world who are more aggressive than he is and he'll need to find a way to deal with it.

It might be a good idea to talk to him about trust. That by allowing himself to be tied up and therefore unable to take care of himself, he was putting a lot of trust in the hands of kids who only have earned a little trust. That even though most people are nice you still have to be smart and take care of yourself too. Teach him to be able to firmly say "No and find the security to do so without being afraid and crying.

I definitely think that you can raise a kid who is gentle without being a target.

Thanks for the reply, you are right, I think I was freaking a little overmuch. And that's prob not the best for him. I talked to my mom who gave excellent advice, that maybe to him it's not as big a deal as it is to me and to talk to him and get some guidance, as to how he feels, etc. At the same time, teaching him to care for himself, as you so wisely replied.

Thanks! I am feeling much more calm now. Whew.

[andiamomama]

I agree with pp, and don't have any advice to give, just wanted to send some support your way. I'm the mama of a (mostly) gentle soul too.

[blessed]

I think many or most kids are naturally aggressive or cruel under certain cirucumstances. A social triangle of 3 kids just seems to bring out the worst in children, for some reason.

For me, the best way to deal with this behavior is just honest confrontation and guidance. When you see the kids starting to play using themes which involve intimidation or hurtfulness, just speak up. Walk over and put your arm around ds and say "Hey guys, that's not a very nice way to play. When someone tells you 'no' or to stop something, you need to listen. I don't want to see or hear about you playing games that hurt ds or anyone else. Got it?"

Be nonjudgmental and kind. Don't make the boys feel as though they are bad or that you don't like them. But just that you are an appropriately concerned adult who is looking out for them, because you care.

[`guest`]

Originally Posted by andiamomama

I agree with pp, and don't have any advice to give, just wanted to send some support your way. I'm the mama of a (mostly) gentle soul too.

Thanks!

[`guest`]

Originally Posted by blessed

I think many or most kids are naturally aggressive or cruel under certain cirucumstances. A social triangle of 3 kids just seems to bring out the worst in children, for some reason.

For me, the best way to deal with this behavior is just honest confrontation and guidance. When you see the kids starting to play using themes which involve intimidation or hurtfulness, just speak up. Walk over and put your arm around ds and say "Hey guys, that's not a very nice way to play. When someone tells you 'no' or to stop something, you need to listen. I don't want to see or hear about you playing games that hurt ds or anyone else. Got it?"

Be nonjudgmental and kind. Don't make the boys feel as though they are bad or that you don't like them. But just that you are an appropriately concerned adult who is looking out for them, because you care.

Great advice, and it works with my parenting style. The next day things were completely different...but I will have my eyes peeled.