So disappointed - I hit DS :(

[KBinSATX]

DS (15 months) has been hitting me. He mostly hits me (in the face), rarely his Dad and never anybody else. Two days ago he hit me so hard with a phone in the mouth that my lip is swollen and black from bruising. Not fun.
I've been giving this hitting a lot of thought. In the beginning I'd hold his hands and ask him to be gentle then I decided that perhaps doing nothing was really difficult for him and it might be better to give him something else to do instead.
So I've shown him how to use his hands to rub my hair (even vigorously rubbing is fine as long as it's not hitting) instead. That has worked about 30 percent of the time. I try to respond as soon as he does it. (He usually wants me to pay attention to him when he hits me, etc.)
This morning I woke up with a horrid migraine and then went on to attend a not so pleasant meeting.
When we got home DS continued the hitting. About half an hour ago he hit me hard with a toy in the head and I smacked him back! :
I hate myself so much for doing that. I am so worried that this will affect him from now and and completely destroy what I have tried to build with him over the last 15 months of his life.

[Daisie125]

If one time of hitting your child destroyed their relationship and trust, there aren't many people on this planet who would have a good relationship with their child. It's wrong, it's horrible, but sometimes it happens before we can think about it.

You know it was wrong, you feel remorse. There is no need to beat yourself up over it! What is that going to do? It's going to put you in a foul mood that is going to rub off on your family. Take a breather and do something fun with him!

That instant "hit back" reflex is hard to stop sometimes. I have a feeling that the next time that happens, it's going to be easier not to hit him, because you what you are feeling now will creep back up on you.

Hugs, mama!

[lil_stinkyfeet]

You did not ruin your ds, we all make mistakes. I know it is hard not to over-react when you get hurt. It just happened to me the other day ds slammed his head into my face and I grabbed him harder then I should have. (i wanted to spank, but didn't) I walked away and cooled down, I knew I had hurt his feelings for handling him rough so I apologized to him and we moved on.

Kids forget things real fast, I am sure it was much harder on you then it was one him. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and figure out how you can respond better next time.

If he hurts you I suggest walking away immediately if you are angry, that always helps me and gives me time to reason and figure out the situation.

[Ruthla]

You didn't "ruin" your child. This is just a minor setback.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Don't hate yourself. Tell him you're sorry, that everybody makes mistakes and hitting isn't nice.

[coldfeet]

Awww... mama. Don't be so hard on yourself. You definitely didn't "ruin" him. He'll be fine. He knows you love him.

[rmzbm]

Take it easy on yourself, you didn't "destroy" anything. Most of us have been there.

[Mary-Beth]

Learn from it and let go of the guilt.

Children are amazingly forgiving and loving. Even though he is young do apologize and have a clear plan on what to do when you get this frustrated. He will test you on this again so think through what you want to teach and how you can most effectively do that.

[kkeris]

Originally Posted by Mary-Beth

Learn from it and let go of the guilt.

Children are amazingly forgiving and loving. Even though he is young do apologize and have a clear plan on what to do when you get this frustrated. He will test you on this again so think through what you want to teach and how you can most effectively do that.

I agree with the PP. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move on. I can imagine the pain and guilt you must be feeling.

[averysmomma05]

[maxwill129]

OMG, I am so sorry, mama!!! I have been there and done that before. It sucks, but you DO have to forgive yourself. I agree with everyone else's advice, so I won't repeat what they said, but just wanted to give you this:

[KBinSATX]

Originally Posted by Mary-Beth

Even though he is young do apologize and have a clear plan on what to do when you get this frustrated. He will test you on this again so think through what you want to teach and how you can most effectively do that.

I did that right away: hold him and rock him and tell him I was sorry and that it was wrong, etc. And I thought I had planned so well with DH how we would manage the hitting thing. I actually was quite happy with how the replacement behavior of petting instead of hitting was working out, etc. And then after all this thinking, planning and talking his whack was almost instantaneously followed by my smack.

I have never consdiered the natural consequences thing. He still seems so little to me. But it sounds like a good idea now. It will give both of us a moment to regroup.

[DevaMajka]

I totally agree with the pp- learn from it and let it go.

One thing that I found with hitting, was to give really really specific alternatives.
Not just "Don't hit me with the book. If you want me to read, give it to me." But "If you want me to read to you, put the book right here in my hand." If it wasn't super specific, and related to what he was trying to do/tell me in the first place, it didn't help. But once I got really specific, it stopped really quickly.

Ds went through a hitting for attention phase. Granted he was older, but I told him "If you want to play, just say 'mom, let's play.'"
For your ds, maybe you could give him a gesture to use to tell you that he wants to play?

I also used to suggest pat-a-cake as an alternative to hitting.

[robin4kids]

You know it is funny...

I run a daycare and have found that many of my dcks hit their mom when she comes to pick them up. kids are funny. You don't think that they understand when you are stressed or not feeling well, but many times they do. These kids hit their mom because it has been a long day and they want their mom's attention. They don't want to wait for their mom to talk to me.

I would look at the times that your ds is hitting you. Were you in a hurry, stressed, not feeling well? Now while we can't give your ds undivided attention 24/7 thinking about the times he did hit could give you a better understanding of why he is doing it. There may be something different you could do to prevent it from happening again.

[KBinSATX]

Well I tried the 'natural consequences thing' and put him down whenever he hit me in the face again. I still stood there and talked to him so it's not like he was abandonned. But it still must have made him feel that way. He's been super clingy now and always wants me to hold him. He's never been that way. We are always together anyways. 24/7. I am a SAHM. He hasn't hit me again after two of the natural consequences thing but I am almost feeling as if it's a bit too much for him, kwim.

[InDaPhunk]

Make sure *you're* rested. Make sure *he's* rested.

Take breaks, lots of them and throughout the day. Do whatever it takes to get these.

When he hits you, remind yourself that it's not personal. It's just not even though it might feel that way. He doesn't know better, even though you feel like he should. He cannot help it. He has a whirlwind of emotions that are overpowering. When he hits you, you don't need to fix it right then, kwim? There's really not one action you can take at that time to make sure he never hits you again, so don't stress over it, just let it roll off your back, take a deeeeeeep breath. Realize that as bad as you feel when he hits you, he probably feels even worse. My DS is so happy, has such a passion for things, is so funny, etc and I just view his occasional tantrums/mommy smackdowns as the flip side of a very lively coin.

Make a vow to yourself to never get that way again, to do whatever it takes to make sure you don't get physical with him.

I have a DS with a temper (wonder where he gets that? His dad and I are so perfectly calm, cool and collected all the time ) and these things are what I remind myself of when I get hit. I also walk away when he really gets going. Mostly I just stop him from hitting me and if I can keep very calm it ends much more quickly than if he can sense me getting stressed about it. It's actually getting better, slowly but surely. When he seems to be making developmental advancements or not sleeping well it's worse. His ability to not melt down is diminished. HTH