Counseling doesn't seem to be helping, but she expressed a desire to have 'girl' counselor, so today when we go I'm going to tell our regular guy that we need to make a switch.
Dh knows she's messed up, but he is in denial as to just how bad it is, and frankly, I find it a little insulting when he tells me 'all girls are sneaky and dishonest.'
I have no use for those kinds of women, and I do not think it is a 'female' trait.
Passive Aggressive behavior is about being afraid to openly express anger, so you do sneaky things instead. I can see that as a 'child' problem, or a problem for a woman who doesn't feel like she has the same power in a relationship as her husband, for example, but I think there are plenty of passive aggressive men, too.
I just never know what causes this stuff. Is it because her mother died and she thought it would just be her and dh forever? Is it because we're in a fairly new school and home situation and she just doesn't fit? Is it because she's just generally a sneaky dishonest person?
Dh never thinks she is responsible for any
of her behavior. I think she is very responsible for stealing and lying, and no matter what her age she needs to know it isn't acceptable and there should be some natural consequences.
I just don't want to go overboard because she irritates me and seems to direct most of it at me. I'm trying to not overreact, but I don't think looking the other way accomplishes anything.
Because I don't know what is normal for 9, or what is normal for psychologically messed up, or what is normal for 'normal,' I never know what is an appropriate reaction.
Dh thinks I should not brand her a liar and a thief, but I think she should have to earn our trust after violating it this way. We were in her room showing her where to put some things to make it look neater and we discovered things that she had stolen from both of us. Today I looked in her room and found things she had stolen from ds. I am aware that I probably shouldn't have done this, but she was acting so funny this morning that my curiosity got the best of me. I returned the item to ds's room and I am quite sure she won't mention it because if she does, she's admitting she took it.
She doesn't respect anyone or anything, and she does things at school that just baffle me. Her teacher and I just talked today, and apparently she wrote an essay about her crush on an older boy and read it out loud in class.
The other kids were merciless on the playground and on the bus, teasing her about it, and the teacher was concerned that 1) that wasn't exactly normal 9 year old behavior, and 2) you would think she would know better than to open herself up for teasing in such a public forum. As it is, when the construction workers are at the neighbor's house working (or drinking beer afterwards) she puts on skimpy PJs and tries to go out the door that is in clear view of them. She is obsessed with older males paying attention to her and it scares the hell out of me. I don't want a pregnant 12 year old, and I don't want a thief or a liar who can't be trusted to not bother other people's things.
I think the new counselor is the first step, but I honestly don't feel like we're ever going to get anywhere, and I find myself counting the years until she moves out and is no longer my problem.
It took me 3 years to get him to let me take her to counseling. I couldn't take her on my own because our insurance is through kaiser and they refused to let me be the one to decide until I am legally her adopted mother. It's very fair.
I deal with her 95% of the time, and I can't make any decisions about her according to them. That means if DH is in denial, nothing happens. Just getting him to OK counseling was HUGE.