consequence for cell phone abuse

[Stinkerbell]

So my almost 14 year old (who is a full on teen) has a cell phone we pay for. He knows he is NOT allowed to use it when it isnt free except important reasons and NO text messages ever (too difficult to moniter and they cost a small fortune).

So this month's cell bill on his number is $322. 56. ALL text messages. All of them. 2200, to be exact. He also downloaded AIM and something else on his phone which he was not only instructed NOT to do, but we had to go in and remove it once already.

He basically blamed me, saying that I wouldn't pay the extra whatever to get him text messaging. Is totally and completely belligerant which I know is age appropriate so I am certainly not rising to the occasion or getting visibly upset.

But I dont really know how to instigate consequence. The money thing is HUUUGE, as we have almost double our normal bills this one month, coincidentally. And more importantly, he willfully and intentionally betrayed our rules (again!) and is nonchalant about it.

[Ann-Marita]

Can he pay for his portion of the bill? Fourteen is old enough to have a job, in this state - you might check the labor laws in your state.

[VisionQuest]

Can you call and turn off the text messaging?

If he doesn't want to follow the rules, then maybe he doesn't need a phone. Make him pay for the overage on the bill.

[maya44]

Can you work out something where he can pay for a text messaging package. These packages are usually only $15 per month for unlimited texting.

Is there a reason why you would NOT want to do this????

[MomInCalifornia]

If you don't mind him having text messaging but don't want to pay for it, would you consider allowing him to cover the cost?

You may have very valid reasons, and if that is the case, I would probably take the phone away and allow him to have one of the phones that only calls certain numbers (parents cells, home, emergency etc) or make him responsible for the entire bill.

I don't have teens, but I was a teen not so long ago (I'm 28) and I believe some things are privlages and not rights. A cell phone seems to me to be a privlage in the social sence, but also a safety thing. By having a phone that only calls certain people, he has the safety part but not the social part.

Over all though, if he is a pretty respectful kid and this is the only real issue, maybe it would work to let him pay for the text package which might cut the bill dramatically.

Cell phones are hard in that you get billed when people call or text you, even if you don't initiate it. Also, it is hard to know when you go over your minutes since there is nothing keeping track other than the bill you get at the end of the month.

[grisandole]

We had a similar issue, though it was a misunderstanding as opposed to defiance. I took the phone away with the exception of nights/weekends when it was free, and I had the text messaging disabled. Since most of the charges (but not all) were the result of misunderstaning, I only made them (dd and ds share a phone) pay for the calls and downloads that they knew they weren's supposed to do. After a month, I gave the phone back, and they know that if they do it again, the phone will go away completely for a month (including nights and weekends). No problems yet.

If I were you, I would remain very, very calm, and let him know the problems you have: the disobediance and the money issue. Don't argue, though he will try to engage, if he is like mine Stay strong and calm. Before talking to him, decide on what you want to do about the situation...do you want him to pay it or work it off? Lose the privilege of having the phone? And yes, a cell phone is a privilige, which most teens don't seem to understand. It isn't an inherent right.

Good luck!

[grisandole]

Originally Posted by AbigailsMomSarah

If you don't mind him having text messaging but don't want to pay for it, would you consider allowing him to cover the cost?

You may have very valid reasons, and if that is the case, I would probably take the phone away and allow him to have one of the phones that only calls certain numbers (parents cells, home, emergency etc) or make him responsible for the entire bill.

I don't have teens, but I was a teen not so long ago (I'm 28) and I believe some things are privlages and not rights. A cell phone seems to me to be a privlage in the social sence, but also a safety thing. By having a phone that only calls certain people, he has the safety part but not the social part.

Over all though, if he is a pretty respectful kid and this is the only real issue, maybe it would work to let him pay for the text package which might cut the bill dramatically.

Cell phones are hard in that you get billed when people call or text you, even if you don't initiate it. Also, it is hard to know when you go over your minutes since there is nothing keeping track other than the bill you get at the end of the month.

We have Cingular and can check our minutes and such online at anytime. As for texting, someone can text you but it will only charge if you read it...it's totally possible to not read/accept them.

[embers]

Since you have talked to him about this, told him NOT to do it, make limits and boundaries, had past issues (had to take AIM off already), and he is being belligerent and blameful of you; take the phone away? : Try again in 6 months?

[aniT]

I agree with embers. Take the phone away. My daughter doesn't have texting either. She has been told that if she texts we are taking her phone away. She is also 14 and while no perfect angel by any right, she at least uses her phone wisely. If friends text her.. she tells them she is not allowed to text. She only calls people on her cell phone after 7 or on weekends. She has had it for almost three years now and we have never had a problem with her regarding the phone.

Your son has basically told you that if you don't buy him texting he is going to do it anyway. He doesn't care about the extra money and he thinks he is going to bully you into getting him a text plan.

I would say something like, "Son, I can see you aren't ready for the responsibility of a cell phone. This is a tool and not a toy. We will try again when you are ready to follow the rules."

Hey embers.. Where have you been?

[kennedy444]

I would take the phone away until he has paid off his portion of the bill. I would also disable the text feature until he is able and/or willing to pay to have texting in the future.

[Arduinna]

I don't understand why texting in and of itself is bad. If it was me I'd put the kid on one of the pay as you go services and then tell them how many minutes they have and how often you will refill the minutes. If they use it up, oh well.

[mmace]

I'm another vote for taking it away - my daughter is 13 and has a prepaid cellphone. She is only allowed to use it to call me or her grandparents (it works out well that we live in a dead zone, so she couldn't use it from home to call her friends anyway!) and she knows that if she abuses it in any way it will be taken away immediately.

[mtiger]

My two (13 & 15) have tracfones. I've told them that they need to show their responsibility with that cell phone access before I'll consider a family plan. I simply can't afford to have them run amuck with texting, paid calls, etc. They've been responsible, and I'm looking at the best deal I can get for a family plan at this point. My son has offered to pay for texting for the both of them if I change plans.

They both know that the consequence for cell phone abuse is a phone restricted to certain callers. Very not cool.

[Stinkerbell]

Originally Posted by maya44

Can you work out something where he can pay for a text messaging package. These packages are usually only $15 per month for unlimited texting.

Is there a reason why you would NOT want to do this????

Yes....he has a *habit* of talking to people he doesn't know. We had to take away his Myspace account for that reason...just total refusal to follow any rules. But then he would just take numbers of friend of friends and spend half the night on the phone with So and So from Wherever, whom he does not know. Texting is impossible to track. If he deletes them, they are not retrievable and frankly, I don't think he makes great decisions in that regard. We let him have the IM on the computer (we do have ability to track that if we need to).

Originally Posted by aniT

Your son has basically told you that if you don't buy him texting he is going to do it anyway. He doesn't care about the extra money and he thinks he is going to bully you into getting him a text plan.

I would say something like, "Son, I can see you aren't ready for the responsibility of a cell phone. This is a tool and not a toy. We will try again when you are ready to follow the rules."

Yes, this is what I am afraid it comes down to.

It just feels so CRAPPY to not be able to trust him not to abuse privleges. And of course he spends all his time complaining that we never let him do anything...which is SO not true.

He 100% insists this is all my fault and he has no blame, because I didn't get the text package like he *told me to*. He takes no responsibility for his actions and that's been a problem for a long time.

My thought was to tell him that I am disappointed and dont feel he is ready for the cell phone. He will have a schedule of work to do to pay off the bill (yard work, trash, etc). Once he has shown diligence and responsibility with paying it off, he can get the phone back with texting disabled (if verizon does this) and he will sign a contract about the rules and rights of the phone use.

?

[kate3]

I would take away the phone. When he pays back eveything he owes you, then you can have a conversation about whether he is mature and responsible enough to get the phone back.

[3boysmom]

You can have texting blocked for that phone - with AT&T you can log in to your account online and do it, or you can call and have it blocked. My ds pays for his own unlimited text package ($20/month). In your case, with his blatant disregard for your rules, I would simply take the phone away. It is a priviledge, not a right.

[Stinkerbell]

oh you have 3 boys, too!!

Yes, i agree with you all. I know the phone is being taken away. We've tried to be more lenient on him recently due to other issues and some recognition of room for better parenting on our part. But this is just not one of those things that has a lot of wiggle room once you have abused it like this.

THe phone has to go.

And on to the next issue:

I KNOW he will say that he is not going to do anything to pay back the money unless we give him the phone first. He makes terrorist-like demands when he doesn't like how things go. "You give me what I want first". Ugh. So I'm thinking this might get into a pissing contest. Ultimately, he is not getting phone until I am satisfied that he will agree to follow the rules AND he has worked off the $322 bill he created. And that's all I can do.

We'll survive this teenager thing, right? Right? Right??

[MillingNome]

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell

We'll survive this teenager thing, right? Right? Right??

I'd say the odds are in your favor

I originally was going to post to say just get the silly $15 text package- OIY. I see why that is not a good idea with your ds.

[Stinkerbell]

Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone

I'd say the odds are in your favor

I originally was going to post to say just get the silly $15 text package- OIY. I see why that is not a good idea with your ds.

Just posting a reply to save you from killing one more thread.

[smillerhouse]

This is why my 14 year old daughter does not currently have a cell phone-I personally think she does not have the maturity for it. My nearly 17 year ole-uses it to aoccaialnly text freinds and to check in with me. Sallie