consequence for cell phone abuse - Page 3

[debbieh]

Originally Posted by embers

Since you have talked to him about this, told him NOT to do it, make limits and boundaries, had past issues (had to take AIM off already), and he is being belligerent and blameful of you; take the phone away? : Try again in 6 months?

I agree. And IMO, having a cell phone is a privilege, not a necessity. If he intentionally did the opposite of what you asked, perhaps it should be taken away for awhile. Tho I think I would take it for a month and then try again.

[Garden~Lover]

wow I just went through this, not 4 months ago. first strike, ds broke his window by throwing darts. well he has to replace that. Then we shut off our land line and added 1 more line to our family plan, and let him have the phone. Told him NO texting , NO IM chat, well he thought I wouldnt know: would never find out if he was texting. Well , we got the first bill, it was something like $150 instead of the $80. of course he was grounded blah blah blah, explained again no texting. well this was like the tail end of one billing time, the next billing time rolls around. our bill was $850!!!! he was going online on the phone. : . yeah well that phone was taken away. he was told why he was in so much trouble. he said he didnt know it cost money to download pictures for the wallpaper, to talk to friends , and what ever eles he was doing. Well his birthday went by, he handed over his birthday money, he still owes me LOTS. took me a good 2 months to calm down over this. I told him he could get a job if he does good in school (freshman year) I dont want him to have any distractions and other things to worry about, and that he is not off the hook.

I dont like teenage years, I am not looking forward to my older dd becoming a teen.:

[Stinkerbell]

$850!?! Oh, my.

As I've said, the phone is GONE. He can earn the $$ to repay us for the bill and if he gets tired of the holes he put in the wall, DH will happily take him to Home Depot and spend a few hours helping him fix them. And he'll want to do that when he asks to have company spend the night and I say, "no, not in a room with holes in the walls and no door!".

A friend gave a great suggestion for my list of chores for him to do to pay of the bill: include things like "random hug for mom", "setting a good example for brothers", etc. LOVE that idea!

[mammastar2]

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell

A friend gave a great suggestion for my list of chores for him to do to pay of the bill: include things like "random hug for mom", "setting a good example for brothers", etc. LOVE that idea!

I'm so glad things are going better!

I would still have HIM come up with a list of ways to pay off the bill and repair the damage, though. And I'm afraid I don't love the implications of the notion of $$$ for hugging your mother...do you really, truly want him to think of affection within the family being exchanged for cash? That may just be me, but it would make me uncomfortable.

[Stinkerbell]

Originally Posted by mammastar2

I'm so glad things are going better!

I would still have HIM come up with a list of ways to pay off the bill and repair the damage, though. And I'm afraid I don't love the implications of the notion of $$$ for hugging your mother...do you really, truly want him to think of affection within the family being exchanged for cash? That may just be me, but it would make me uncomfortable.

he's a fairly affectionate kid anyway. So if I can use this as a way to encourage that, it's good. I dont think, at almost 14, he'll suddenly associate affection with cash just because I have added it to the list of things to do to work off the bill. It is a good point, though.

I really feel that he'll become more comfortable with those things and recognize the good endorphins that come from it. He's also a very physically....umm...LAZY kid : So I added walking the dog, riding bike with brother, etc.

it's encouragement, as well as giving him an easy way to "pay us back". I'm trying to show him that we all make mistakes but its important to do the right thing to rectify them and learn better for next time. If I can get some hugs, exercise and grandparent "aaaawwwws" out of it, that's gravy.

[Naturalyst]

Originally Posted by mammastar2

I don't love the implications of the notion of $$$ for hugging your mother...do you really, truly want him to think of affection within the family being exchanged for cash?

Agreed. It's not a good idea to intermix working-off the money for his damages (cell phone PLUS wall and door repairs) with acts of affection and things that should be done in the ordinary course of family life.

Set out a list of work and ascribe a dollar value to each item. Post the total cost of his fiasco - cell phone plus home damage - and keep a running, decreasing total as he works it off. Irresponsible and destructive actions have consequences, that's the lesson of having him work off his damages. And, it's a valuable lesson.

Kind interactions with family and respect should be occurring without monetary reward. You want to teach the intrinsic reward of such acts. To ascribe $ value cheapens their value (no matter what $ value you ascribe) and attempts to quantify the unquantifiable (confusing, unless you're a social economist).

Keep the lessons clear and simple - $ consequences for quantifiable damages, erosion of trust for irresponsible behavior.

(My teen read the original post over my shoulder and commented, "oh, that boy's going to be working off that bill, I hope, and that cell phone is 'so' gone ... huh, oh, that's really sweet - he's blaming his mom? nice try <<ding>> but, no, I don't think so". My first thought was, "Where was 'that' teen when I got a $350 bill for her unsanctioned cellphone use not so long ago? Then, I realized 'that' was the product of the lessons she learned from the experience of being made to take responsibility for the bill - the lesson was learned and now incorporated into her thinking.)

Even though I disagree with some of your approach, hats off to you, mama, for making your son "own" his actions.

[Stinkerbell]

Kind interactions with family and respect should be occurring without monetary reward. You want to teach the intrinsic reward of such acts. To ascribe $ value cheapens their value (no matter what $ value you ascribe) and attempts to quantify the unquantifiable (confusing, unless you're a social economist).

I do understand

But I dont agree that in this situation, I am cheapening the value. I guess you'd have to be here to get what I mean but he is an affectionate kid already and I like to encourage that.

By adding things like hugging, I have added humor to lighten the huge feeling of this lesson. He laughed when he saw it, I think he gets it. I am trying to make it easy for him to understand that he can screw up and make a mistake, but still recover from it.

[Naturalyst]

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell

I am trying to make it easy for him to understand that he can screw up and make a mistake, but still recover from it.

In which case, I stand corrected.

[Stinkerbell]

Parenting is one of those things that everyone will have an opinion about and in ths situation, I dont think there is a definitive answer to "waht is the best way?". So everyone'e input is appreciated.

[MSmomma3]

Sorry I didn't read the entire thread but cingular has a unlimited plan for like 35.00 for text we got this cause of DD spent a load when we first got the phone. She went to helping out some elderly neighbors with housework..and we paid the bill...now she is unlimited so we have no worries...also remember that you get charged with every in and out with cingular...

[aniT]

Originally Posted by MSmomma3

Sorry I didn't read the entire thread but cingular has a unlimited plan for like 35.00 for text we got this cause of DD spent a load when we first got the phone. She went to helping out some elderly neighbors with housework..and we paid the bill...now she is unlimited so we have no worries...also remember that you get charged with every in and out with cingular...

Yes, Cingular sucks that way. When we were forced to migrate to Cingular from ATT DH called them and complained. He didn't think we should be charged for incoming spam messages. (AT&T had only charged for outgoing.) He could NOT get the customer service rep to understand that you could get unsolicited spam on your cell phone. She keep saying they couldn't email you if you had not given them your number. And he keep telling her yes they could, they just need a script to randomly dial number. But it is illegal she said. And dh was like.. um since when do criminals care if it is illegal? But it is illegal, they can't do it. Again dh said.. yes it is illegal but criminals don't care and do it anyway! She never did grasp or wouldn't admit to grasping what DH was talking about.

Anyway, IMO 35 is A LOT of extra money for an unlimited plan. With sprint it is $15 and we still aren't getting it for DD. I might think about it for Christmas. We were going to get the family text plan however when I checked into it, it is not available with our plan. We would have to downgrade our minutes to get it. Now we are just biding our time to get ride of sprint. Their service sucks.

[MSmomma3]

Originally Posted by aniT

Yes, Cingular sucks that way. When we were forced to migrate to Cingular from ATT DH called them and complained. He didn't think we should be charged for incoming spam messages. (AT&T had only charged for outgoing.) He could NOT get the customer service rep to understand that you could get unsolicited spam on your cell phone. She keep saying they couldn't email you if you had not given them your number. And he keep telling her yes they could, they just need a script to randomly dial number. But it is illegal she said. And dh was like.. um since when do criminals care if it is illegal? But it is illegal, they can't do it. Again dh said.. yes it is illegal but criminals don't care and do it anyway! She never did grasp or wouldn't admit to grasping what DH was talking about.

Anyway, IMO 35 is A LOT of extra money for an unlimited plan. With sprint it is $15 and we still aren't getting it for DD. I might think about it for Christmas. We were going to get the family text plan however when I checked into it, it is not available with our plan. We would have to downgrade our minutes to get it. Now we are just biding our time to get ride of sprint. Their service sucks.

35.00 is a ton of money a month but for us with a fast typing DD its worth it. She can go through 500 texts a day...not kidding. Although I have to admit maybe if we limited she wouldn't text as much...but on the bright side she seldom calls....so which is the greater evil?

[aniT]

Originally Posted by MSmomma3

35.00 is a ton of money a month but for us with a fast typing DD its worth it. She can go through 500 texts a day...not kidding. Although I have to admit maybe if we limited she wouldn't text as much...but on the bright side she seldom calls....so which is the greater evil?

In my opinion texting. It leads to poor grammer as kids get used to talking in acronyms.

My daughter can talk on her phone all she wants. After 7pm, on weekends, or to anyone who already has Sprint or Nextel.

Is the $35 just for your daughter, or is the family plan? For one phone unlimited on Sprint is $15 and the family plan (if you have the right plan) is $20.

[MSmomma3]

The 35.00 is for all of us...which isn't that bad.

[aniT]

Yea.. that isn't too bad for a family plan. If we could get one.. we would.. but sprint is being butts. They changed their plans and while they technically can't take ours away, they can not let us get any cool features like family texting.

We would loose like 200 minutes a month at the same price we have no to get a plan that allows texting. And believe me.. we use ALL our minutes.. and then some. (DH uses 90% of the minutes.)

[SusanElizabeth]

I have two teenage daughters. We have had the same problem with the texting. My daughters, and all their friends, text like crazy.

They convinced me to purchase the "unlimited texting" option. This has worked out well, and has brought the phone bills way, way down. It was an excellent solution for us. I don't want to take away their cell phones because there are many times when I need/want to be able to reach my kids.

[Stinkerbell]

I do have the option of adding texting for $10/month. But I am not convinced yet that he is making good decisions about WHO he talks to. (its been an issue). With phone calls, I can moniter who he calls. With texting, I cannot.

And...the point here is that when I said "this is a tool, not a toy", he needs to respect that. Otherwise, there are consequences. So Im not ready to add a text package at all.

But he is working off of his list as he pleases, so that's putting the ball back in his court. Now he owns his mistake and I have thrown him a liferaft to help him swim to shore. Life is bigger than money or working...this is a bog lesson for him.

[SusanElizabeth]

For me, it is very much to my advantage for my kids to have cell phones. A lot of people are saying that this is a privilege for the kids, but I also am strongly motivated to have the cell phone relationship work out.

I could give countless examples -- one of my daughters is on sports teams, and sometimes the games get delayed. It's 9:00 on a weeknight, and I'm becoming alarmed about where she is. Then she calls on the cell phone saying, "The game was delayed I'm on the bus." Or we went hiking last week -- our daughters are faster than my husband and I, and they went ahead of us (but called on the cell when they came to a fork in the trail.)

People say, "take the phone away" if the teen is spending too much but I feel that would be to our disadvantage. I know that when I was a teenager kids didn't have cell phones but, on the other hand, my mother didn't work and because I do, there are more occasions where we need to stay in touch.

[bugsmom125]

my children have gotten into trouble with their cell phones, luckily they had the money in their savings accounts to pay for bill, depending on which service you have there are lots of things you can have blocked on their phones, i currently have everything that can be blocked on their phones, i also took them away from them which was the worst punishment of all

[Stinkerbell]

Ideally, I'd like to let him have the cell phone because it IS convenient and makes our lives easier. But the lesson here has to be bigger than that. He won't confine to the rules and follow our parameters. This is a secnd infraction and it was BIG. So, if I hand back the phone now, he will refuse to pay it off, know that he got away with it, and the lesson is lost.