Roommate, WWYD (kinda long, sorry)

[Gendenwitha]

Long story as short as possible. My best friend M (my "sister") was married to my dh's best friend C who was also my friend (that's how we all met). They're going through a divorce, pretty sure she's abusing Rx drugs so we weren't believing a whole lot of what she said.

C has been living with us for a year. Pays no rent, no nothing except occasional "between trip" groceries. Thought this way he could afford a lawyer (not trying to take sides so much as she's overbearing and well spoken, he's spineless and quiet, he needs representation more). They were poor before the split, and both are bad with money. She has kids during the week, he/we have them on weekends. Right now he says his wages are being garnished for her loan, and has "borrowed" some money (about $100 total) from us. Not really okay with us, but we did the math on if they were garnishing his wages down to min wage, plus child support for four kids... okay, kind of get that, and his wages won't be garnished forever, and he just got 2nd job.

Bigger problem is he will more frequently now tell me he'll be home when he doesn't show up, or show up with kids during the week without running it by me. I try to let him be as independent as possible, I know it can't be easy for him, but there's two main issues: 1. I buy groceries and need to plan meals and purchase food accordingly and 2. My kids love his kids and get disappointed when he says he's showing up then changes his mind. (3 is the kids need more stability than a different house every weekend, but that's not my place to decide.) I have gotten very tired of this disrespect for me. Classic C is "okay, no problem I'll change that" then not doing anything.

Tonight was last straw. His dd says she found a lice bug in her hair after being at aunt B's the last 3 days (why didn't I think to check, I know "aunt B" has ongoing problems with that). As I went through her hair she said "the treatment a couple months ago was supposed to get rid of it". Um, huh? She also says she told her dad, her dad later said he didn't, but at the time dad had taken off (not telling us where, again) and I couldn't reach him by cell.

So I'm thinking I need to Rid her hair I call mom for permission to use caustic chemicals. Then I talked to mom. Yeah, another time last May (probably after another visit with aunt B) all the kids got it and she told him to tell me about it--he never did. She also says he hasn't been paying her any more than 1/4 the child support he's supposed to. She says his wages are being garnished for his bills. Someone is lying, and I'm not assuming it's all her.

I've had it. I'd be really tempted to kick him out right now, but his "buddy" is his ex-wife's step-dad who molested her... yet he takes the kids to visit him (grrr... but that's another story) and I think if he moved out of here, he'd probably move in there. Plus the kids have had enough instability.

I'm thinking of making him show proof of his finances (including proof he's paying cs) and notes on which meals he will be home for if he wants to keep living here. I don't know if that would work, I just know I'm sick of this.

[zeldamomma]

What a lousy situation. I'm so sad for his kids, but I'm sure its hard for you too. You're being very generous and getting taken advantage of. :

I'm not sure what you should do, except that if you kick him out and he moves in with a known child-abuser you MUST call CPS. Would it make the situation more bearable if you decided that it's something you're doing for his kids, instead of something you're doing for him?

What does your dh think? This is his buddy, right?

ZM

[apmama2myboo]

wow very sad

those poor children. Do they ever stay with their mom? what is her living situation like?

Could you and/or your dh propose to sit down with C and say, "This is how we do OUR budget, it works really well for us, and we never have to borrow money because we plan ahead, and we really want you to have the solid home you want for your children, so how can we help you achieve that?" or something to that effect. My thought was that if you could show him what a smart budget is with planning ahead, and how to effectively manage the money esp now he'll have it from 2 jobs, you can help him gain independence sooner? I would play to the "I know you're a good father and you really want your kids to have a stable home life again, so let's find a way to help you make that happen" or something like that.

As for the lice, omg how horrible. Maybe they should stop taking the kids to Aunt B's until she doesn't have lice there, or if shew ants to see the kids she can see them outside somewhere LOL. That is so horrible, poor kids. I guess one of my main questions is how involved with the kids is th emom, and if she's done abusing prescription drugs, can she take the kids at all? or is she in some kind of treatment? I feel bad for you and your situation, and most of all feel bad for those kids.

[chann96]

Honestly, I know you are meaning well, but you are enabling this man. He is a grown up and you are not responsible for him. I understand how you feel about the kids and it is a concern, but this instability in their lives is going to keep going until their father has to step up and deal with his life. I think you need to tell him that he can stay with you for 30 days longer and after that he will need to find somewhere else to live. If he choose it to be with the molester friend then tell the kids mom and call cps. You CANNOT fix this situation and need to take care of your family and provide stability for your children's lives as well. I wish you all the best, but really it is long past time to kick him out the door.

[amcal]

I totally agree. You can not fix this situation. His continuing to live with you without any financial responsibility is doing more damage than good. He has absolutely no reason to get his life together. He can live with you for free, you buy food, he does what he wants when he wants it - why should he do anything differently. He needs to get his life together for himself and these kids and he's clearly not going to do that while sponging off you.

I agree with the PP who said to give this guy 30 days to find another place to live. I know it's hard but these children deserve a father who is going to create a stable environment for them. If he chooses to go live with an abuser, you call the mom/CPS/Police - whatever you need to do.

[Gendenwitha]

Just to clarify: mom has the kids Monday-Friday. I still think she's abusing Rx, but she's a functional addict, she's just not... herself. She was firm but loving, now she's just firm. It's subtle, there's still the quick kiss on the head, but no long hugs when they're hurt. She's sleeping 3 hours a night and working really long hours. She used to have great sense of humor now she's frequently angry. In their relationship she leaned towards too authoritarian, he leaned towards too passive and they kind of balanced each other out.

Now her new SO is ex-military and more authoritarian than she is, and that's who's watching them during the day. But at least it's expectations that are consistent, even if high. With their dad there's no consistency, one day he'll be complaining that he wants his kids in bed by 8, another day he'll disappear on an outing with them just before I'm ready to put them in bed at 8:30.

Also, I love these kids like they're my own. Our oldest two are the same ages, and we've raised them side-by-side their whole lives.

[amcal]

If he's there, why would you be putting his children to bed?

I really think you have a wonderful heart and you've gone way above and beyond in trying to help your friends but sometimes in helping them, we hurt them. These parents need to figure their stuff out. It's not up to you to work out their problems. By not holding the father accountable, you're hurting him in the long run. These children need and deserve a stable father and mother. And it's time they step up to the plate and take responsibility for the family they created.

[Gendenwitha]

Originally Posted by amcal

If he's there, why would you be putting his children to bed?

Like I've said, we've raised our children side-by-side for years. When they're here it's less like two families in one home and more like three parents with seven kids. On the big things it's "go ask your parent" but on the day to day stuff like meals, and bedtimes, they're just one big group. It's just always been that way. When the oldest four were in diapers my aunt commented what good friends I had because they didn't hesitate to change my kids diapers or wipe noses and vice versa.

I'm all for people taking responsibility for their actions, but the difference is, if you're poor the consequences are higher. There's got to be something I can do to get him to grow up without hurting these poor kids more. I want him to learn responsibility, but I don't want to throw him out to a world where there are no second chances to do it.

I'm thinking of telling him if he's going to live here, I want to see a copy of the canceled check on his child support, and if he can't afford it because his wages are being garnished he needs to talk to his lawyer and find out if he can either have his child support adjusted, or sign the d@mn paperwork and see if he can get his child support held as a garnishment so it (I think?) will take priority over any other garnishments.

Oh, and I can threaten CPS, but he was never caught so she (ex) would have to testify, for me it would be hearsay. And she at one point let him live with them, so she's not likely to be all that credible even if she's willing which I don't know she would be. He gives both of them money so neither want to burn bridges with him. They just try to make sure the kids are "safe" when around him. (Not leaving the girl alone with him etc).

[amcal]

Please don't take this the wrong way - I know you care deeply about this family but you're talking about this guy like your his mother or somehow otherwise responsible for his behavior. Statements like "There's got to be something I can do to get him to grow up without hurting these poor kids more. I want him to learn responsibility, but I don't want to throw him out to a world where there are no second chances to do it." are only going to set yourself up for a lot of heartache and disappointment. There is nothing you can do to get him to grow up. You can not nor is it your responsibility to teach him responsibility. And quite honestly, why should he grow up and become responsible? He lives with you, free of charge, you care for his children, you cook, you shop, you clean. Why in the world would he want to grow up and take responsibility? Doing that would mean he needs to pay his own way in this world, pay for his own home, his own food etc... As long as he's getting these things from you for free, he has no motivation to change. And you can't make him.

But, you are hurting him by allowing him to continue this behavior. By your providing for the majority of his needs and his children's needs, he has no motivation to do this himself. I think you'd be surprised how resourceful he will become once he realizes that there are going to be limits put on his taking advantage of your good heart.