DD just witnessed domestic violence, and I don't know what to say to her

[twopinknoblue]

DD and I were outside playing in our yard, with our neighbors little boy. We heard his mom and dad start yelling at one another and eventually the yelling ended in the dad picking the mom up and body slamming her in the front yard. I took the kids in and called the police immediately, but now I don't know what to say to DD.

Basically the kids came in and played while all was going on with the cops, so the neighbor boy didn't actually see his dad get arrested, and the mom came over to get him once the cops were gone. While the kids were playing, it wasn't really brought up, but now DD is starting to ask what happened, and I don't really know what to say to her.

What would be a good way to handle this situation? I feel sick at my stomach, for DD, for her friend, and for my neighbor. We knew that things weren't quite right in their house, as we've had to take the mother and son in crying on more than one occassion late at night after the dad had been pushing her around and hitting on her, but DD had never witnessed it and we just didn't talk about it around her. Now she's seen it first hand and I am at a loss. Please help me.

BTW, the DD that I need to talk to is 4 yo.

[JBaxter]

I would be brief and honest. Something to the fact that Neighbor hurt neighbor wife and the police wanted to talk to him to explain why hurting people is wrong. The police want to make sure everyone is safe and neighbor dad may get a time out for big people.
I would follow it up with the police are our friends and are there to help us especially if someone is getting hurt.

[TheDivineMissE]

Oh my goodness, that must have been scary for all of you! I think I would start by saying something about how it was scary when we saw X hit Y in the yard and then waiting to see what she wants to say about it. I'd follow her lead from there. You could maybe tell her that not all people hit when they are angry, and that she doesn't have to worry that you will get hit or that she will get hit.

Oh I just reread what you said, and it sounds like your daughter wants to know what happened. Well, I might say something like "neighbor kid's dad got mad at his mom and instead of talking about how he felt, chose to use hitting. X's mom is ok now, and his dad will hopefully get some help to remember to use words, not hitting, when he is angry." I mean, that is obviously a very simplistic answer and I'm sure it will open up lots more questions from your daughter. Answer them as honestly and simply as you can.

Did they take him off to jail? Did the mom press charges and get a restraining order? That poor family...I hope they get the help they need!

[twopinknoblue]

Yes, they did take the dad to jail, and the mom did press charges and get a restraining order. As I said, this isn't the first time she's been hurt by him, but it is the first time she's taken action. They have sought help in the past, but never stayed in counseling for long, and he is supposed to be in AA, but DH and I have seen him drinking on numerous occassions in the past few weeks.

[Earthy Mama]

to you, your dd, and neighbor's ds, and neighbor (the mom)

[mamazee]

I would say that sometimes grownups hurt other grownups or kids, and when we see it we call the police. The police can help people who get hurt by making sure the person who hurt them isn't near them anymore.

[MOM2ANSLEY]

pretty much what mamazee said.
life aint always pretty,but children need to learn young what is not acceptable and even adults who do wrong have consequences?sp?

[kkeris]

Originally Posted by JBaxter

I would be brief and honest. Something to the fact that Neighbor hurt neighbor wife and the police wanted to talk to him to explain why hurting people is wrong. The police want to make sure everyone is safe and neighbor dad may get a time out for big people.
I would follow it up with the police are our friends and are there to help us especially if someone is getting hurt.

I would said the same.

[freestyler]

Even though the couple was having major problems, I am not sure I would have called the police. (I know, that is not the question here.) I think I would have wanted to mind my own business, and no offense to the OP, this is just a personal judgment call. I HATE it when neighbors call the cops on each other. It's predatory.

Maybe I might have silently given them the name of a good therapist to use if they wanted to.

As for what to tell the child, I would have said that yes, sometimes adults do wrong things to. And pretty much that's it. I would only call outside authorities if I thought the child was in actual, real danger. Or one of the adults was in real, imminent, visible danger of life or limb. Otherwise I prefer to MMOB (mind my own business.)

[TheDivineMissE]

Originally Posted by freestyler

Even though the couple was having major problems, I am not sure I would have called the police. (I know, that is not the question here.) I think I would have wanted to mind my own business, and no offense to the OP, this is just a personal judgment call. I HATE it when neighbors call the cops on each other. It's predatory.

Maybe I might have silently given them the name of a good therapist to use if they wanted to.

As for what to tell the child, I would have said that yes, sometimes adults do wrong things to. And pretty much that's it. I would only call outside authorities if I thought the child was in actual, real danger. Or one of the adults was in real, imminent, visible danger of life or limb. Otherwise I prefer to MMOB (mind my own business.)

She said the husband body slammed the wife onto the ground. In my mind, that equals a crime and imminent, visible danger. Did he need to take a tire iron to her to make it abuse enough to call the cops? If my husband ever did that to me I would be screaming to the neighbors TO call the cops, and I would hope they didn't just close the curtains and say, "Well, I think I'll just mind my own business. I'll take them my therapist's card after dinner."

[wednesday]

If I see anyone being physically assaulted I will call the police. It's none of my concern whether they're married or otherwise related to each other.

[forthebest]

I suffered domestic violence for years and no-one ever called the cops and if they had they would just chuck the guy back out after 24 hours, or less and thats when the fun really begins. I would never consider the cops to be my friend, or ever tell my dc that they are our friends,they have even brought ex-'partner' back to my home when he has been paraletic with drink and highly abusive to others just to get him off the streets. Nice.

I would explain to my child that the neighbour man is abusive and violent towards his wife and that is obviously wrong and I'm sorry she had to witness that and that I love her. Many people will not get involved in 'domestics' including the police, even if it is their job to 'help' people( the only time I called the police when an ex 'partner' said he was going to stab me at 2am the police-man actually laughed when he saw the knife, it was quite small,not a huge big kitchen knife ,they treated me like I was making a fuss bout nothing. People's opinion is that it's their problem and between man and wife i.e. who cares if he's kicking the crap out of her. Why wait to be another statistic, I never thought I could get a restraining order but I don't think that would have made a big difference at the time as we lived miles from anyone and things coulda got very dodgy. I have left several abusive partners and lived in the car with my babies. I think I'd have been grateful if someone had contacted the police on my behalf but like I say it can often have no effect whatsoever, just a short interlude. These type of men don't just go away and do what the courts order them to do, they have a victim to victimise, nothing will keep some away and if they are in and out of jail as many are it's no big deal to be threatened with more time, I still wish I'd known more bout restraining orders though. I hope the mom sticks to her guns, very few abusers have the guts to change.

[Romana]

Originally Posted by freestyler

Even though the couple was having major problems, I am not sure I would have called the police. (I know, that is not the question here.) I think I would have wanted to mind my own business, and no offense to the OP, this is just a personal judgment call. I HATE it when neighbors call the cops on each other. It's predatory.

: I think you must have missed the big PSA in TAO not long ago, signed onto by many, many women who had been in abusive relationships, asking that people DO call the police when they hear or see this stuff going on. I can only imagine you have never been in this situation yourself to have such a cavalier attitude - in fact critical - of anyone calling the police when a woman has been violently physically assaulted in plain view (Kitty Genovese, anyone?).

I will never forget my dh upbraiding his mother when she insisted they not "interfere" with another family by allowing a teen girl to crash at their place for one night when she was beaten up and thrown out of the house by her parents. He reminded her (not so gently) - "Have you forgotten the hundreds of times we huddled crying in a corner, praying desperately that someone, ANYONE, would INTEFERE with our family??"

:

[Magella]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I would say that sometimes grownups hurt other grownups or kids, and when we see it we call the police. The police can help people who get hurt by making sure the person who hurt them isn't near them anymore.

I think this is a good way to say it.

OP, I think calling the police was a courageous, compassionate, heroic action.

[twopinknoblue]

Originally Posted by freestyler

Even though the couple was having major problems, I am not sure I would have called the police. (I know, that is not the question here.) I think I would have wanted to mind my own business, and no offense to the OP, this is just a personal judgment call. I HATE it when neighbors call the cops on each other. It's predatory.

Maybe I might have silently given them the name of a good therapist to use if they wanted to.

As for what to tell the child, I would have said that yes, sometimes adults do wrong things to. And pretty much that's it. I would only call outside authorities if I thought the child was in actual, real danger. Or one of the adults was in real, imminent, visible danger of life or limb. Otherwise I prefer to MMOB (mind my own business.)

I respect your view, however, the troubles that this couple are having have invaded my families lives on more than one occassion. Mother and son have shown up at our door crying and scared in the middle of the night more than once. And, on this particular occassion, the husband literally picked the wife up over his head and slammed her to the ground, in front of my child and theirs. I feel it would be absolutely inappropriate and inexcusable to allow my daughter to think that those are situations we just ignore. Being body slammed by a man over twice your size is serious business, and my neighbor is lucky she walked away from the situation with only a few bruises. If this is the behavior he exhibits in his own front yard in front of on-lookers I shudder to think what he does or will do to her in the privacy of their home. It is my personal belief that she [I]is[I] in imminent danger, and I'm not going to wait until he hospitalizes, or even worse, kills her before I do something about it. Not to mention, that while it's possible the son is not in any physical danger, I view it as pretty psychologically damaging to see your mother beat up by your father, and it's a situation that no child should ever find themselves in.

It's not predatory to call the police on a man who is beating up his wife. It's illegal to physcially asault another person, and it's psychologically abusive to do so in front of your child. It's not like I called the police because my neighbors were arguing loudly on the lawn. He BODY SLAMMED her, it would have been irresponsible not to have done something.

[mamazee]

You definitely did the right thing. It is absolutely wrong to ignore violence just because the person being beaten is being beaten by her husband. If you saw a neighbor getting beaten by a stranger, would you call the police? Darn tootin' you would. It being her husband doesn't make it OK to ignore it.

[*LoveBugMama*]

Ofcourse you should call the police!! You absolutely did the right thing..

I will never understand that some people actually thinks it`s wrong to take action when they see another person being hit, bullied, abused etc. Never.

To be in a family does NOT mean that you own another person. To be in a family does NOT mean that "it`s nobody elses business what we do". It just doesn`t. Every person alive has the right to be safe. Every person alive has the right to a life without fear of getting abused, beaten or spanked.

THis man physically slammed his wife to the ground. That is not ok. I don`t care who he was. I don`t care if they "are family". What I care about is that this man assaulted abother human being. Not ok. Ever. And it`s our duty to care. To help if we can. To try to call for help.

I lived my childhood in fear for my life. For my mothers life. And nobody helped. Nobody wanted to get involved. It was safer, nicer and less stressfull to stay out of it, I`m sure. To me that meant that nobody cared. That nobody thought my life (and my mothers, and my younger siblings) was worth fighting for. That just because I was born into another family, people didn`t feel the need to speak up when we were beaten senseless. Not ok.


To the OP:

You are a courageous person, and I am glad you did help this poor woman and her child. I would tell my child the truth, if/when she asks. Spare the details, but tell the truth.

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by TheDivineMissE

She said the husband body slammed the wife onto the ground. In my mind, that equals a crime and imminent, visible danger. Did he need to take a tire iron to her to make it abuse enough to call the cops? If my husband ever did that to me I would be screaming to the neighbors TO call the cops, and I would hope they didn't just close the curtains and say, "Well, I think I'll just mind my own business. I'll take them my therapist's card after dinner."

:

Neighbors arguing verbally on the lawn, I'd ignore, maybe take them a therapist's card if I knew them. Neighbors physically fighting (A body slam? I've NEVER seen someone do that to another person beyond television), I'd call the police. Certainly they might or might not do anything, and it might or might not help, but there's no way that shutting the curtains is going to help.

OP, I think you've gotten great suggestions. Although the police are not perfect and don't always do what's best in domestic violence cases, your dd is 4, and not ready for that kind of discussion IMO. Might not be a bad idea to tell her to stay away from the friend's father, as well, since he could return angry that you called the police. You wouldn't want dd to let him in your house or go somewhere with him.

[twopinknoblue]

Yeah, DD knows that she is only allowed to play with neighbor boy when she is supervised by DH or myself. I've been concerned on several occassions that neighbor man may come to our house angry.....he knows this is where his wife comes in the middle of the night (she's also come over and stayed in our house when we were out of town......she was taking care of our cats, had the code to get in our garage, he was apparently beating her one night and she and her son came over here to stay). Fortunately, he has never confronted us regarding our taking in his wife or calling the police, and as a matter of fact, he's always very cordial with us. He still makes me uncomfortable and we avoid him as much as possible.

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions, and for your compassion. There was no question in my mind that I did the right thing in calling the police, I just didn't know how to discuss it with DD.

[Mandynee22]

Originally Posted by freestyler

Even though the couple was having major problems, I am not sure I would have called the police. (I know, that is not the question here.) I think I would have wanted to mind my own business, and no offense to the OP, this is just a personal judgment call. I HATE it when neighbors call the cops on each other. It's predatory.

Maybe I might have silently given them the name of a good therapist to use if they wanted to.

As for what to tell the child, I would have said that yes, sometimes adults do wrong things to. And pretty much that's it. I would only call outside authorities if I thought the child was in actual, real danger. Or one of the adults was in real, imminent, visible danger of life or limb. Otherwise I prefer to MMOB (mind my own business.)

I'm WITH the OP. I'm glad she called. Sometimes the abused can't, for whatever reason. I wish someone had called on my xhusband when I was in that situation instead of hearing from a neighbor a few years later "sometimes I could hear you guys and I wanted to call but I didn't want to interfere" That's all well and good but when he'd rip the phone out of the wall it was kind of hard for me to do it.
I called on my nieghbors daughter and her bf a couple weeks ago because they were fighting and I knew he would hit her if I didn't. I told her mother that it was me and she thanked me.
To the OP... I would just be as simple and honest as possible and answer what's asked.
And good for you for getting involved (imo)