My 32 month old ds won't stop hitting my 10 month old ds

[Bunches]

This has been going on for a few months now. I have tried EVERYTHING under the sun. I try to remove him gently from the room. He does it at times when he is tired, hungry, etc......... but he also does it when thing are seemingly good and it can be unprovoked. I try to use positive reinforcement when he is gentle with his younger brother. I am starting to get really frustrated and angry (although I try not to show this) when he hurts his defenseless little brother. He hits him with wooden toys, hard hats, our telephone, etc.............

He also hits DH a lot and tries to provoke him. Nothing seems to deter him from it. We try to re-direct, re-direct, re-direct.

Lately, I have been using time-outs and this doesn't seem to have any effect either. Any helpful hints?????????????????? I'm at my wits end. He just hit him over the head a few minutes ago and we were having a great morning. We slept in, had a yummy breakfast, and we were going to visit friends that he wanted to see.

What else can I do besides time-outs? I read a lot of literature and everything is conflicting. Some books say time-outs are okay and consequences are important (while being empathetic) and other books say time-outs and punishment are damaging.

What works for you??????????

Thank you

[Rachel J.]

I have no great insight as I was just getting ready to post the exact same question! I am trying to have my ds1 ask ds2 if he's okay (and I answer for him based on whether or not he's still crying) then have him ask if there's anything he can do to make it better. I'll answer by saying something along the lines of, yes, please stop hitting/kicking/crushing/squeezing/throwing because it hurts and makes your brother sad. I'm not sure if ds1 quite gets it yet, although he's 3.5, but "sorry" doesn't work because he's recently picked that up from dh and I and uses it all the time to say, "sorry, but I can't take my nap now/stay in my room/turn off the TV/pick up toys/etc."

I guess the only other thing I'm trying to do right now is keep a closer eye on them which is really hard because I can hardly get anything done around the house. Ds2 crawls to where ever ds1 is (and then inevitably gets hurt) so it's hard to keep them separated.

[Bunches]

thank you for responding.......... i appreciate it!! i llke your suggestion....... i will try it....... i am trying to remember "this too shall pass" i look forward to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if i think of anything new, i'll try tp post it!

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I don't accept violence in the home, from any family member. So, I'd remove him from the situation, talk about how hitting hurts and it's not nice, ask him if he wants to kiss his brother to make it feel better (I wouldn't force this, but I always kiss booboos and it's very popular). I think it's important to have VERY CLOSE supervision when you have a child acting out like this. I wouldn't leave them within touching distance of each other unless you're close enough to stop the older one. The little one deserves to be protected.

If it continued, there'd be some alone-in-the-bedroom time. It's just not acceptable behavior in my house and IME it's not something that can be fixed quickly enough with positive reinforcement alone. The issue is that you have a littler child who's being hurt. In a situation like that, I'm not willing to let it play out while using only positive techniques.

[Bunches]

Thank you for your input. I also agree no violence in the home and try to teach that. I don't know where he got this from and I when feeling utterly frustrated, I wonder WHAT I am doing wrong and feel hopeless.

He JUST randomly smacked/hit DH in the face and my husband got so mad he just whisked him out of the house while he was screaming/crying for a car-ride as a punishment to put him to sleep instead of allowing us to all wind down together. I'm not sure why dh has been the target lately either. He doesn't hit me although he tests me in other ways a 2 year old would. It takes a lot for my ds to wind down at night and sometimes a car ride helps him fall asleep but usually its not done after some "hitting" and "anger".

ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm feeling sad and frustrated tonight because I don't really understand why he wants to PROVOKE so much. He does the same things over and over again - such as spilling juice purposely on the rug, or hitting ds or dh. He receives lots of love and attention........ I've always followed his cues, I breastfed him until he self-weaned when I was pregnant with my 2nd ds, we still co-sleep, etc..... I work 24 hours per week and he is either with myself or my husband or his grandmother who lives with us. I am more GD than they are but they do not spank and mostly believe in GD.

My feeling is that he did really well when his brother was born (he was 22 months) and now, its more bothersome for him because he is at the stage where sharing is more difficult and he wants to exert his independence. Maybe he is now acting out about his new brother!!! I'm rambling right now because I'm upset. Sorry!

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by SublimeBirthGirl

If it continued, there'd be some alone-in-the-bedroom time.

This has been an utter disaster in our house. Just putting DS in the bedroom is a major ordeal, and then he screams, kicks, and cries when he's in there. Of course, he can open the door since we have an older home.

We have the same hitting problem with DS and our 7 month old. It's getting better on its own. The first couple of times she really cried because of it, and I asked him if he wanted to give her a hug to make her feel better, he started crying, too, telling her he was sorry. Hitting us is another animal, though, and we haven't completely stopped that one yet.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

My daughter screamed, kicked and cried too. Being put in her room REALLY pissed her off. It was never for more than a couple of minutes - I followed the minute-per-year-of-age thing. I think how much she hated it is part of why it worked so quickly. IME if the consequence isn't unpleasant it doesn't make much of an impact. THat's okay sometimes, but not with abusing her sister. and it IS logical that people don't want to be around you when you hit them. It's just that in a home setting, we can't leave. So she has to be removed.

OP, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's pretty normal for kids to get like this sometimes. I think sometimes they get a lot of energy and it comes out in aggression. For me, it was just really important to nip it in the bud. I teach her she can hit pillows, throw things that aren't hard, and not at people, scream, she can get these feelings OUT, just not on us or the pets. For a little while though I was afraid I had given birth to a sociopath! But no, just a phase.

[Bunches]

funny, i just said that to dh last night............ he is acting like a sociopath....... he was hitting and then asking us, "is it funny??"

i feel better today......... dh is starting to read, Kids, Parents, and Powerstruggles.....

it also helps to hear that we're not alone...............

[NaomiMcC]

Originally Posted by SublimeBirthGirl

My daughter screamed, kicked and cried too. Being put in her room REALLY pissed her off. It was never for more than a couple of minutes - I followed the minute-per-year-of-age thing. I think how much she hated it is part of why it worked so quickly. IME if the consequence isn't unpleasant it doesn't make much of an impact. THat's okay sometimes, but not with abusing her sister. and it IS logical that people don't want to be around you when you hit them. It's just that in a home setting, we can't leave. So she has to be removed...

I agree. Remove him from the situation immediately.