Screaming, crying and whining driving me crazy

[MarineWife]

Is this normal 3yo behavior? My ds screams, squeals, whines or cries at the drop of a hat. By the end of the day I don't even care what's wrong. I just want the awful noise to stop. One of the worst times is when he's playing with other kids and he thinks they've slighted him. I don't know how to get him to understand and deal with the fact that other kids can be mean without necessarily meaning to be mean. Although, a lot of the time the more upset he gets and the more he reacts the more the other kids are mean to him. He begs every night to go outside and play with the boy next door who is only 3 months older than my ds. Then he ends up crying and screaming the entire time because the boy is mean to him. They do things like run a race and the other boy is first because he's about 6 inches taller than my ds (he's going to win every time) and so the other boy says, "I win! I win!", and my ds starts crying. Even with a group of AP families yesterday he was excluded because he was the only boy and he cried and screamed. I feel so bad for him but I also want him to learn to deal with things like that without taking it so personally. I have no idea how to get the crying and screaming to stop. Anyone have any suggestions or is it just something we have to go through and he'll come out of it naturally in his own time?

[lisap]

I think 3 is just a rough age. My DD is almost 4 and she screams, whines and yells over EVERYTHING! Sometimes by the end of the night my nerves are shot. I have a 14 mo DS and between the two of them I need a break and often find myself in the bathromm doing nothing but getting a moment to myself. Hang in there, I think it is just a phase (at least that's what I'm banking on!).

[GnomeyNewt]

I pray to everybody's god that this is a phase that passes. I am starting to feel like running far far far away whenever I hear her scream at the top of her lungs so I can just not hear that voice! Today she screamed all the way from the beach/dock to our car at our private community beach. So of course everybody was staring and knew us, or met us atleast once and it was hard. I feel like screaming back and she didn't just scream she also spit, scratched, and just pulled every single trick out of her bag. Arg it is so hard. I just want to stay home and do nothing. I feel like that would be the best choice at this point. We've left the house maybe 3-4 times in the past week and each time a similar event would occur. No advice, sorry! I've got no clue on how to stop or even curb the screaming. Sometimes distractions simply do not work!

[annekevdbroek]

DS1 is freshly 4. We've had our share of screaming, etc. Anyhow, I found, suprisingly that saying 1) that hurts my ears and 2) its time to stop now and calm down and 3) providing additional empathetic responses (e.g. You really want to buy Lucky Charms! You think they taste good. You'd eat them for dinner.") and 4) going along with reasonable requests once the request is calm (I can't understand the screaming...). Now, it may be that he has "aged out" of screaming, or it may be that this approach is actually helpful. Who knows?


I still won't buy Lucky Charms though.

[MarineWife]

Whew! So it sounds like it's the age/stage and not just my kid. As long as I know there is an end to it I can deal (most of the time). I do those things suggested, try to empathize, explain that the noise hurts my ears and my head, tell him I can't understand him when he's screaming, crying, squealing, ask him to use a quiet, normal voice so that I can understand, try to help him and head things off at the pass before they get to that point. I know I have to do things over and over. He won't get it until he's about 35. I was just beginning to feel like there was something wrong because he seems to do it so much. This, too, shall pass.

[avakitty]

I just had a day of ds (4) screaming.. my head aches:
I thought once we got thru 3 which wasnt easy.. that 4 would be better, and some days are but only if everything is going his way and he's rested, fully fed and his sister is being nice to him. If any of these things are not in place ..watch out. The screaming at the top of his lungs makes me want to run far far away and not come back for a couple yrs
A neighbor girl up the road told me today that they hear him from thier house. they must think we beat him or something. I dont have any advice, we have tried everything and our latest atempt to deal with it is to try and stay calm and not yell back at him. well that is easier said then done.
and of course we realize that if we yell he will think its ok. we may raise our voices so he can hear us but we dont scream ever. it really drives me batty. today he was just hungry and once he clamed down and had a good snack his mood changed.
Cant wait for preschool to start.

[Ruthla]

Yes, it's normal for 3yos. Still annoying though.

He was excluded from playing because he was the only boy? I think I would have gotten involved at that point to try and get some of the girls to play with him.

How old is the boy next door? Old enough to be reasoned with? Could he be taught to "let" DS win sometimes just to keep DS from feeling left out? Could you help them make a big deal about DS coming in 2nd?

[Kirsten]

I think 3 and 6 are very hard years. Mine are 11, 6 and 4 right now, so I just got out of it with dd3, but not yet out of it with dd2.... Just one more week!

Honestly, they say terrible twos but I found twos to be very doable. You can still distract them at two. By three, they are too smart for that.

Cut out extraneous activities - why do it to yourself more than necessary? If your dc is in a tough stage, don't hit every library storytime, just the occasional special one. Grocery shop alone in the evening when dc is in bed if you can.

Once you can tell it is going south, I wouldn't waste a lot of time trying to talk out of it. Pick 'em up and head home. I very rarely (likely never) talked any of my kids out of a tantrum. If you can't head it off before it starts, you might as well just call it a day - at least for a little while. It is hard to deal well with the situation when you feel like everyone is looking at you and judging you. At least I felt that way.

But we've all been there. When I see a child losing it in public, I don't think poorly of that mother - I've been her! I just remember my own kids doing that, and am thankful it isn't me today. Hang in there!

[artgoddess]

My son does it too, it can be maddening. I try to hug him and encourage him to talk about his feelings, but that can be a little much to expect if you know what I mean. It would be nice if my 3 year old could say "I'm sad because I wanted to win Candy Land and someone else did." but he's just not there yet.

[GnomeyNewt]

Terrible 2's? I think 3's are worse for my DD. Interesting phase that seems to be normal from everybody's posts. The funniest thing is that we have been home a lot since our DS was born so this last week we've been going out a lot trying to do fun things and catch the end of summer. It totally has backfired and everytime we go someplace it is a nightmare and I'm miserable. I'm starting to say some things I regret saying. I do say how I feel but I point them toward my DD or even my DH. I think we need a cool off period to just get the bad days behind us. Sometimes when it adds up it can be worse. My head is spinning from the screaming.

[MarineWife]

I so agree that 3 is harder than 2. My dh was so shocked. DS was so much easier at 2 that dh thought we were home free until the next year. It is hard not to raise my voice at him when he screams. I try really hard not to lose it. I do have to raise my voice sometimes just so he can hear me over his screaming. We don't go out much. He has one scheduled activity a week, dance class. Sometimes we'll have playdates but they aren't regular. I don't have the option of doing things by myself later at night while he's sleeping since my dh is not here right now. This isn't really an "in public" problem, anyway. It happens everywhere and it's not usually over him not getting something that he wants. He's pretty good about just saying ok when I tell him I'm not buying him this or that. It's mostly when he's either frustrated because something isn't working the way he wants it to, he can't do something, he gets the tiniest little scrape or bump, or his feelings get hurt. I've never minimized things like that. Whenever he's been hurt I've always said things like, "Ow! That scrape must've really hurt," and give kisses (which he came up with) and the crying usually stops immediately over the physical hurt, or "You are sad because whatever was done hurt your feelings." Sometimes I wonder if that has set me up for this now, where everything is the biggest trajedy ever.

We did step in with the girls and ask them to include my ds in their play. That worked for a few minutes but then something else happened and there he was again screaming and crying. The crying I can usually handle. It's the screaming and squealing at the top of his lungs as if someone is pulling his limbs off that drives me insane. He finally decided to play downstairs with the adults and the babies but that made me feel really bad for him.

The boy next door is only a few months older than him, he'll be 4 in October, so reasoning like that won't really work. Both his mother and I will say things like, "You both win." We try to find things they can do that are as equal as possible. The thing for me is that it isn't just one incident and then it passes. It's continuous, one thing after another, for the entire time we are outside playing. I eventually end up telling ds that if he can't stop screaming over every little thing we will have to go inside because I just can't take the noise anymore.

If there's a child that's a bit more aggressive, it's like my ds can't handle it. He's not a pushy, in your face, take toys kind of kid. He tries to include everyone in his play. He'll share almost anything as long as he's asked first. He likes his personal space, though. He doesn't know what to do when another kid grabs things and runs off to play without him so he screams in agony. I can't think of a better way to say this but I don't know how to sort of toughen him up. I don't mean that I want him to be aggressive or mean himself. I just want him to be able to deal with those types of situations without getting so hurt or upset because I can see now how the other kids sort of feed on that reaction and do more mean things on purpose just to upset him more.