attachment parenting...problem?

[mosaicmama]

My daughter is almost four months old. She has recently begun screaming if anyone but me or my husband hold her. She even cries when people come up and say hi to her too close to her face. She cries when she realizes someone else has her and stops as soon as she is back in my arms. We strongly practice attachment parenting and I was wondering if this may be why she is so uncomfortable with others. It seems very young for her to be acting this way. Has anyone else found this situation with their kids and do you think it is because they are just extremely bonded to you? And is there anything you can do about it? I love her being bonded so much to me, but I want to be able to have others hold her and enjoy her too.

[Oklahoma Mama]

Sounds like my ds He is just starting to be more comfortable with people. He still doesn't like others to hold him, but he will let them talk to him without crying most times now. It was especially hard when around my family who live several states away. He didn't like to be in a room without me near. My mom recently came to visit and he let her hold him and he gave my mom hugs and kisses That sure surprised my mom. Last time she saw him he would have nothing to do with her.

I think aping has had something to do with my son's crying and not wanting others to hold him. I am his caretaker. I haven't had any babysitters so he is not used to other people much. I think personality has something to do with it to. My ds started crying when others held him around 6-7 months, but he would sporadically cry around some people while I was holding him several months before that. My son would be considered high need and I think that may have something to do with it.

What helps with my son now is lots of talking. I talk about what is going to happen many times before it happens so he is not surprised. He used to cry when the UPS man came to the door. After talking about it and making a game out of pretending a man is at the door he no longer cries. The talking started working in the past few months.

When my ds was younger I just made sure I was there for him and tried to prevent him from being in situations where I know he would cry. Slinging helped a lot too. I would put him in a sling in situations where I knew there would be lots of people wanting to hold or talk to him. The sling prevented people asking to hold him and it helped him feel more secure while others talked to him.

Hope this helps.

[Elphaba]

4 months is a really common time for infants to reject outsiders. we were just talking about this at a LLL meeting, how we read in parenting books that separation anxiety starts at 9 months, but our own experiences were that it happened MUCH earlier, around 4 months.
it may seem early, but think about it: didn't your baby KNOW you from birth? you and your baby know each other's smells, and sounds and the feel of each other's skin. you're everything to your baby, why wouldn't an infant object to being with someone else?
you sound like you are doing an awesome job! keep up the good work!

[eilonwy]

My son is not what you'd call a "high needs" baby, but he still went through this phase and occasionally has his "clingy" days. When he was3 or 4 months old and only wanted mamma, I was lucky enough that no one took it personally. He was going through a growth spurt and just wanted to be close to his nursies all the time. :LOL

In my experience, it's natural for kids to go through this when they begin to realize that not everyone is the same person. Once Eli's vision cleared up and he could see, for example, that mommy and daddy were not the same, he wanted only mommy for a while. As he's gotten older, he's become more sociable with daddy & grandparents.

I've also found that at very stressful times for either of us (a busy week, long trips in the car, sick baby, etc) that he wants to be on top of me all the time. I don't mind it too much, except when I don't get to eat or something all day because he's on top of me. *hehe* Even then, it's all good. I know that it will pass.

[L.J.]

I agree with the others that it is a very common stage of development. It happens periodically and then they're okay with others again.

It can also be partly their personality. Some people (and therefore babies) wil enjoy being more social than others.

My kids also really have a sense of who they like & who they don't. I've been very conscious about it and respect when they aren't comfortable with someone.

[Madame Ovary]

AP doesn't cause clingyness! It helps tremendously in the long run. I found AP because my dd (babe #1) was so fussy and so clingy she had to be carried---not rocked, not held sitting down---carried for hours on end by me and only me. Taking a shower during her first 6 months required herioc efforts, and several people would end up sopping wet. My dh kept saying, "Obviously, we're doing something wrong." All the constant nursing (the only time I got to sit down!), co-sleeping, ultra-responsiveness, and so on.... and she was still so difficult! The payoff came later, though, as she became a bright, friendly, secure little girl, starting around 6 months. She had another really difficult period-- 3/day tantrums-- that lasted, oh, about 5 years . That's just the sort of person she is and no parenting technique is going to change a child's basic personality. I can promise all you new mamas out there, though, that AP will help your kids to grow to their healthiest emotional potential. My dd is now 7.5 and a truly fabulous piece of humanity. She's very secure, converses well with adults and older kids, and has never had those going-to-bed problems most kids have. Ds is a totally different person, but AP has been wonderful for him, too. I see a lot of kids, AP and mainstream, and it's become really clear to me (especially during a few recent sleepovers) that kids who don't have AP families are at a distinct disadvantage emotionally. They seem to have so many fears that the AP kids just don't have.

My last thought for new moms: I realized with my 2nd baby that parents take too much credit and too much blame for their first. Kid's innate personalities show from day 1, the wonderful and the difficult. I know from personal experience that AP helps develop all these traits in the most positive ways.

Mosaicmama: Just keep holding her. She'll grow out of it when she's ready. If you try to push her into accepting other people before she's ready, she'll only become more clingy and it will take longer for her to develop a sense of security.

[Liz]

Originally posted by Madame Ovary
My last thought for new moms: I realized with my 2nd baby that parents take too much credit and too much blame for their first. Kid's innate personalities show from day 1, the wonderful and the difficult. I know from personal experience that AP helps develop all these traits in the most positive ways.

I agree with this 100%. I don't take any credit for my son. He is his own person, I did not make him the way he is, he was born that way.

Your dd would probably be more clingy though if you didn't AP.

[MommyT]

Originally posted by Madame Ovary
AP doesn't cause clingyness! It helps tremendously in the long run. I found AP because my dd (babe #1) was so fussy and so clingy she had to be carried---not rocked, not held sitting down---carried for hours on end by me and only me. Taking a shower during her first 6 months required herioc efforts, and several people would end up sopping wet. My dh kept saying, "Obviously, we're doing something wrong." All the constant nursing (the only time I got to sit down!), co-sleeping, ultra-responsiveness, and so on.... and she was still so difficult! The payoff came later, though, as she became a bright, friendly, secure little girl, starting around 6 months. She had another really difficult period-- 3/day tantrums-- that lasted, oh, about 5 years . That's just the sort of person she is and no parenting technique is going to change a child's basic personality. I can promise all you new mamas out there, though, that AP will help your kids to grow to their healthiest emotional potential. My dd is now 7.5 and a truly fabulous piece of humanity. She's very secure, converses well with adults and older kids, and has never had those going-to-bed problems most kids have. Ds is a totally different person, but AP has been wonderful for him, too. I see a lot of kids, AP and mainstream, and it's become really clear to me (especially during a few recent sleepovers) that kids who don't have AP families are at a distinct disadvantage emotionally. They seem to have so many fears that the AP kids just don't have.

My last thought for new moms: I realized with my 2nd baby that parents take too much credit and too much blame for their first. Kid's innate personalities show from day 1, the wonderful and the difficult. I know from personal experience that AP helps develop all these traits in the most positive ways.

Mosaicmama: Just keep holding her. She'll grow out of it when she's ready. If you try to push her into accepting other people before she's ready, she'll only become more clingy and it will take longer for her to develop a sense of security.

Very well said! I couldn't say it better myself! There are some great suggestions and support here. I'd just like to add that in my own experience with certain people, they'd make me feel like I was a smothering mother because ds is so attached to me and I'm spoiling him. Now that he's a toddler, these same people comment on how well-adjusted he is and he loves people. If I put him in a room full of toys with a room full of people, he'll gladly play with the people! He still needs me a lot and it seems he needs me now more than ever since he's started walking and experiencing the fact that we are, indeed, separate, but AP and breastfeeding have helped make this transition in his life easier. If he feels like he's getting over loaded, we just hit the reset button and he gets his nursies!

I think it's more common for breastfed, APed children experience separation anxiety earlier as I've heard this more so from my fellow AP/breastfeeding moms.

Sounds like everything's going great!