Right off the bat, my mom is a wonderful woman with years of child rearing experience. She is pretty open minded and accepting of just about everything DH and I do. She provides care for dd1 (and soon will help care for dd2) while DH and I are at work so she is an important and constant part of our children's lives.
However, this past week has made me realize that although she is tolerant of our parenting decisions she really doesn't approve of them. DD will be starting preschool in a few weeks and the school requires potty training. DD was almost trained (on her own) prior to our second child being born but she now has no interest in potty learning. Because of the preschool policy we tried to push a bit...treats for sitting on or using the potty, stickers, neat undies she picked out herself, a potty learning book and dvd, etc. Not too surprisingly it backfired and dd became very resistant. We backed off and the preschool has told us that as long as she is in a pull-up they're ok with it (it's a half day program and I doubt dd will poop during those three hours away from home anyway).
Well, when my mom found out we had "started potty training and then backed off" she was furious! She just told me on the phone just now that she has never and will never understand us/our parenting philosophy, that dd is learning she can control us, that we need to enforce what we say so dd learns that "it doesn't matter if she cries", etc. She even suggested making dd go on the floor (if she wouldn't go in the toilet) and then forcing her to clean up the messes for a day to "teach her". I didn't want to get into an arguement over the phone but we will see them tomorrow and I'd like to have something I can present in a reasonable and non-confrontational manner...
How do you explain GD (or at least respecting your child) to a person who grew up in a very strict household where "the parents are the ultimate authority and god help you if you go against their wishes"? Since she plays such an active role in our children's lives it's important that she at least understand GD enough to apply it (even if she doesn't agree with it). She has told us repeatedly that she will comply with whatever parenting decisions we make, but now I'm not sure she really understands what that means or how to do that.
I was going to print out some of the discipline "cheat sheets" from the Dr Sears page for her so she at least sees we're not the only ones, but how have you all addressed this? She worked in the public school system for 20+ years and hates "permissive parenting" so it's important that part of the explaination include the fact that limits really are set, and GD does not mean a free-for-all with the little one calling all the shots.
Thanks!
However, this past week has made me realize that although she is tolerant of our parenting decisions she really doesn't approve of them. DD will be starting preschool in a few weeks and the school requires potty training. DD was almost trained (on her own) prior to our second child being born but she now has no interest in potty learning. Because of the preschool policy we tried to push a bit...treats for sitting on or using the potty, stickers, neat undies she picked out herself, a potty learning book and dvd, etc. Not too surprisingly it backfired and dd became very resistant. We backed off and the preschool has told us that as long as she is in a pull-up they're ok with it (it's a half day program and I doubt dd will poop during those three hours away from home anyway).
Well, when my mom found out we had "started potty training and then backed off" she was furious! She just told me on the phone just now that she has never and will never understand us/our parenting philosophy, that dd is learning she can control us, that we need to enforce what we say so dd learns that "it doesn't matter if she cries", etc. She even suggested making dd go on the floor (if she wouldn't go in the toilet) and then forcing her to clean up the messes for a day to "teach her". I didn't want to get into an arguement over the phone but we will see them tomorrow and I'd like to have something I can present in a reasonable and non-confrontational manner...
How do you explain GD (or at least respecting your child) to a person who grew up in a very strict household where "the parents are the ultimate authority and god help you if you go against their wishes"? Since she plays such an active role in our children's lives it's important that she at least understand GD enough to apply it (even if she doesn't agree with it). She has told us repeatedly that she will comply with whatever parenting decisions we make, but now I'm not sure she really understands what that means or how to do that.
I was going to print out some of the discipline "cheat sheets" from the Dr Sears page for her so she at least sees we're not the only ones, but how have you all addressed this? She worked in the public school system for 20+ years and hates "permissive parenting" so it's important that part of the explaination include the fact that limits really are set, and GD does not mean a free-for-all with the little one calling all the shots.
Thanks!
She is a nanny and has worked in daycare for a long time, so she is also a self proclaimed 'parenting expert'. 
: Not really, but I know she thinks she knows better than I do. She says she agrees with what we do, but in practice it's not always t he case. For example, with the little one (also 2.5) she nanny's for, she is so strict on (IMO) really meaningless things. And she sees interactions with her as a "I'm the adult, and I'm going to win" whereas I strive to work WITH dd on every situation. SHe thinks I cater to her. Ah well, I dont have any advice, just wanted to commiserate. One thing I've found that helps ME is to read a TON and connect (here on MDC) with other like-minded moms. I get more secure in our decisions, and I realize I AM doing what is best for MY child. I am not afraid to correct my mom (in a respectful manner) in front of my dd. Like once, she was kind of shaming dd for peeing in her pants (she's been potty learned since about 20 months, but still has accidents) by saying "Abby (in THAT tone, yk?) you KNOW how to use the potty! That's gross to pee your pants!' I simply said, "Abby, everyone has accidents, even Nana! It's no big deal at all, let's just get you cleaned up." And gave my mom a look. She knows we dont shame and dont punish at all. I think sometimes she just can't help herself. Different times, different phylosophy. Thing is, we were raised pretty gentle, no spanking, yelling, hardly any punishing. But she did shame and guilt trip us alot, so it's something I watch with her and dd. HTH
At least right now we can make sure she and my dad are physically "ok", and my dad doesn't sit alone in an empty farm house in the middle of nowhere while she is at work.
