I'm becoming my mom....and not in a good way

[MamaKoala]

I have had a rough couple of days. Without getting into too many details and boring everybody, suffice to say, i feel like in some ways I am becoming my mother. My mom always had something to do. Always cleaning, running errands, playing the martyr, doing the dishes, juggling 8 balls at once, and proud of it. She is, was, very controlling, everything had to be done her way. She loved us very much, and was in many ways a good mother--she always told us she loved us, helped us with our homework, made great dinners, thoughtful birthday parties--but always frantic. NOT laid back at all. I don't think I ever saw her flicking through the t.v. channels with her feet up ONCE in my entire childhood. In fact, I don't think I saw her sitting for more than 10 minutes at a time, except during meals, after which she would jump up to do the dishes, no matter how relaxed we all were....

i see it happening to me--I am cleaning alot, want my environment to be under my control, and getting upset with my dh who isn't always neat or clean. i find myself exhausted much of the time. but at the same time, i know i don't want to live with a filthy apartment.

Arg.

[alsoSarah]

Sounds like it might help to delegate and meditate!

peace to you,
alsoSarah

[MamaBug]

I can totally relate to this. I am a control freak of the worst kind, but in the last couple of years I realized that while I wanted my house to be clean, it didn't have to be spotless all the time. Time spent with my kids and my own sanity were more important. I think that maybe you need to sit down with you dh and maybe your kids ( depending on their ages) and talk about how you can get more you time, which I feel makes time with them that much better. I am sure that if everyone pitches in, especially dh, that you will feel more relaxed.

{{{hugs}}}} I know how hard it is and I hope that your load is lightened soon!

[saturnine25]

I can totally relate- I struggle w/similar issues. I try to keep myself in check by thinking about how there will always be laundry, etc. to be done, but these precious days with my dd won't last forever. Don't be too hard on yourself!

[DeChRi]

I am currently and actively working on the same issues. I have some thoughts on it that I will come back and post them when I have more time. But I just wanted to let you know you are not alone!

[Ivanhoe]

It's already a good thing you can see it happening. If you don't want to become your mother, start trying to focalize in those aspects you are not similar to her at all. Make a list and try to concentrate in those aspects. Maybe it helps.

I have the same issues and with even deeper things that affect my relationships, specially my relationship with my dh (my mother has always -and still does- diminished everyhting my father does)


Good luck deconstructing the "your mother" that lives in your own version of being a mother !!
I

[Ravin]

Might I suggest you check out www.flylady.net? Her methods can be used to limit how much frantic running around you do as well as helping those who have trouble getting motivated in the first place. Among her reminders are reminders to slow down and relax, and not overdo it, and she points out frequently that most tasks can be done in short order, freeing your time for other things. I've found her reallly helpful in getting organized and not feeling like I've got to devote a huge block of time to cleaning, while in fact keeping things tidy. I don't do everything she says--like wear shoes, but then I go out in public barefoot, so for me barefoot IS "dressed to the shoes."

[mamaduck]

On some issues, I am resolute NOT to become like my mother.

But on some others -- I am realizing that my behavior reflects the genuine strain and work of motherhood, and that my mom was not *choosing* to be the way she was -- but was just subject to a lot of pressure. Some of the ways that I am like her simply cannot be helped. Instead, I am learning to understand her better.

[bestjob]

My mother used to do the most appalling things. Now I do them. Things like telling us that we could easily find something to do for ourselves instead of expecting her to entertain us. Things like serving three different vegetables at every meal and expecting us to eat them. Things like sending us outside for some fresh air on a sunny day instead of letting us vegetate in front of the TV. They were expressions of her love for us, and becoming like your mom isn't at all a bad thing. You can just use this stage to analyze what you want at this part of your life, with a family and home to care for. If you want it neat and clean, then focus on being the kind of good mom who trains the rest of the family how to do chores. (Check out the book Chores without Wars). If you want it laid back, then focus on being the kind of mom who steps over the mess. As long as you love your family members, and act in kind ways, they'll respond.

[miriam]

I resolved NOT to be like my mom.

I went to parenting classes to relearn behavior so I could behave in a more appropriate and loving way to my children.

This is not easy to do. Your parents model all kinds of behavior for you and you fall into the trap of imitating them when you are stressed when you are when you are caring for little ones, much as you may love them.

Make sure you hang with women whose behavior and mannerisms and attitude you admire and who obviously love their children. Besides parenting classes, you may want to join a play group, LLLI, or go to the park and just meet with some very nice good mommies there.

Just my two cents worth. Good for you for desiring to better yourself!