LOVE FLOODING has been working for difficult times :)

[Danaoc]

Hi GD Mamas,
I just wanted to share with you something that has worked for me in issues with my 3.5 active ds because in difficult times, I realized I was just trying to get through the day and provide the basics my kids needed in a gentle way. We snuggle when things are calm, we give hugs and kisses at the usual time, and we talk & treat our kids respectfully. But during the really tough times, it felt like there would be a downward spiral that had less of that and more battling.

So instead of turning to discipline, even gentle discipline, I turn to what I call an extreme overload of love medicine and it works! When my ds goes through really tough transitions (and usually it is because he's testing or going through a growth spurt), I FLOOD him with love and affection. I let him know that no matter what happens I love him. I call him "my love" ALL the time. I constantly tell him I love him, and I hug & touch him as much as I can. And I play a game called, "I love you when..." and I name 20 or more different things. I'll say "I love you when you laugh. I love you when you cry." "I love you when you play your friends. And I love you if you hit your friends." This last one may seem hard to say, but my message is that no matter what he does he will get unconditional love from me. (Of course in the actual situations, I teach him that we don't hit friends.) And I always end with, "No matter what, no matter what, I will always, always love you." He beams and asks to play again!

This is hard to do when he's pushing those buttons. But when I do a flooding of love, he turns into a secure loved child again. He realizes he can test me but he starts working with me more rather than battling me. When I let him know my love is more than 100%, I can see that he FEELS better. When he feels better, he starts acting better.

I just wanted to share this because it's been really amazing for our family and mostly my relationship with my son. My dh doesn't do it as much as I do, but then he's not there a majority of the day to deal with the daily stuff.

Love to all you Mamas out there - you all seem like such amazing women.

[Starflower]

It can be hard to "feel the love" during the daily stuff sometimes. I try to do this when DD and I get in a downward spiral. Unfortunately, today, due to my own issues (sleep deprivation, wrist injury, etc.), I had trouble stepping back and showering her with love. DH helps me regroup sometimes.

We had a hard day, DD and I, but I've managed to get out of my downward spiral and flood DD with love this evening. Things are getting back on track and peaceful and fun again.

Thanks for the post - what a wonderful reminder.

BTW, welcome to MDC.

[hippiemum21580]

That is so awesoem that it is working for you! I have to do this with my 4 year old at times too. ANY form of discipline, even GD oftentimes is met head on with anger and obstinance with him so I do teh same thing, flooding him with love so to speak and it really works. It can be hard when I do it in front of others and they think i am some pansy pushover spoiling my son and rewarding negative behavior but if it works for us....... I just don't care. Ya know, I think we all need that at times. When I am having a real bad day and am being snippy, oh how my heart is crying out to just be understood and maybe held or hugged or something. Its called being human!

[peachpie]

Thanks for a wonderful post! I have taken a similar approach with my 4 yo dd at times and it really does lift our spirits. I realized this one day when dd pointed out that we should just "snuggle in bed and read books all day-- then we would never fight!"

That last hour before bed is a time that we rarely ever have disagreements. It's when she really gets to relax and "tank up" on affection. And she's right, throughout the day we get too busy and distracted to provide that same level of re-connection. Great reminder!

[J-Bean]

Thank you for posting this. It hadn't occurred to me!

[Rachel J.]

Thanks for this post, it's exactly what I needed to hear right now. I'm having the most difficult time I've ever had with my 3.5 yo ds and have not been handling it well. I know he's going through developmental changes and testing but it's still just so hard to remain "together." I usually lose it when he intentionally hurts the baby for the umpteenth time and end up giving him the loving snuggles AFTER I've lost control and yell or grab I'm feeling really out of control and rather depressed about it right now and I know that he senses it which just makes it worse. I will definitely try this and I hope that, even if he doesn't behave perfectly, he'll feel that security and connection that is lacking right now.

[captain crunchy]

Hi GD Mamas,
I just wanted to share with you something that has worked for me in issues with my 3.5 active ds because in difficult times, I realized I was just trying to get through the day and provide the basics my kids needed in a gentle way. We snuggle when things are calm, we give hugs and kisses at the usual time, and we talk & treat our kids respectfully. But during the really tough times, it felt like there would be a downward spiral that had less of that and more battling.

So instead of turning to discipline, even gentle discipline, I turn to what I call an extreme overload of love medicine and it works! When my ds goes through really tough transitions (and usually it is because he's testing or going through a growth spurt), I FLOOD him with love and affection. I let him know that no matter what happens I love him. I call him "my love" ALL the time. I constantly tell him I love him, and I hug & touch him as much as I can. And I play a game called, "I love you when..." and I name 20 or more different things. I'll say "I love you when you laugh. I love you when you cry." "I love you when you play your friends. And I love you if you hit your friends." This last one may seem hard to say, but my message is that no matter what he does he will get unconditional love from me. (Of course in the actual situations, I teach him that we don't hit friends.) And I always end with, "No matter what, no matter what, I will always, always love you." He beams and asks to play again!

This is hard to do when he's pushing those buttons. But when I do a flooding of love, he turns into a secure loved child again. He realizes he can test me but he starts working with me more rather than battling me. When I let him know my love is more than 100%, I can see that he FEELS better. When he feels better, he starts acting better.

I just wanted to share this because it's been really amazing for our family and mostly my relationship with my son. My dh doesn't do it as much as I do, but then he's not there a majority of the day to deal with the daily stuff.

Love to all you Mamas out there - you all seem like such amazing women

FANTASTIC POST OP!!

We do this too! Right down to the "I love you when" and our very verbal 26 month dd really "gets it" !!

I agree with your post 100% !! It is amazing to see how much it *works* in our family

[straighthaircurly]

I just want to say thank you for posting this. I needed it right now and will put it into practice with my son tonight (actually by the time I got back to posting this I already did). He needs this and so do we.

[boatbaby]

We play the "I love you when..." game too.

And the other day when I was mad as DS for something, he looked at me and smiled warmly and said with confidence "Mommy, even when you're mad at me, you still you love me."

:

Slowly but surely, one love filled step at a time, we're getting there.

[lbp215]

Thank you so much for your post! I am new here...learning the community and my DS is almost 3...this will work wonders. It's amazing how often I forget that during the course of a busy day to hug and snuggle and cuddle with him. And to tell him I love him. I can see how this will work already and I'm excited to use it. Thanks mama!

[gribbit]

What a great post! I feel really inspired by what you do. Its so easy for me to lose sight of how important this is, especially when dd is pushing my buttons. I will be thinking of this post often today. Thanks!

michelle

[pradiata]

Thanks for posting this. We do the same thing too, in our own way, when I can pull myself back out of the spiral and remember to do it. I think it was last night (or the night before? it all blends together!) 4 1/2 yo ds, dh and I were all in cranky, no-way-we-can-get-along moods. DS retreated to a corner where he was simmering and griping and I *finally* got back to being a mama and started singing him our "I love you like the ____ is ____" song which we fill in with "sky" is "blue", "table" is "messy", whatever's going on at the time. So I was singing away like a fool for a few minutes, no responses, when I paused in the middle of a line and a soft little voice from the corner chimed in, and after that everything turned around and we were able to get close and snuggly and have a fun evening. Sometimes I just want to burst into tears at the sweet and forgiven nature of young children.

[jaimita]

such a good idea. thank you for sharing. i am hating the downward spiral!

[zeldah]

Thank you so much for posting this. I don't know how to do it without making my older ds jealous, but they do both love their morning hugs. So I think it will at least get a positive response, even if it doesn't work the magic I need right now.

[riversong]

Originally Posted by Starflower

It can be hard to "feel the love" during the daily stuff sometimes. I try to do this when DD and I get in a downward spiral. Unfortunately, today, due to my own issues (sleep deprivation, wrist injury, etc.), I had trouble stepping back and showering her with love. DH helps me regroup sometimes.

Yeah, that sounds exactly like me. I need to do more of the love flooding. I just feel like I want to run for the hills instead sometimes. I will keep reminding myself of the OP's post in difficult times!

[sciencemommy]

Hang in there

Rachel J.

I just wanted to reply to your post. One of things I fall into again and again is questioning myself as a parent and thinking I am just a teribble mom. I feel like the only moms I know have quiet, laid-back kids and they just have no idea what it's like to have a sensitive child like mine. I wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel- losing control, having your spirited child drive you past the point of no return- and I am sure you are wonderful mommy!

Danaoc- Thanks so much for the reminder to just love our difficult kids. That's really the only thing that seems to work anyway!

[ecoteat]

I do this with my students (to a point where it is appropriate, of course). I've had some very challenging 3rd and 4th graders that I've been able to form wonderful relationships with by pouring as much love into them as I can. Other teachers are amazed at how well I can get through to these kids.

[Hannahsmummy]

Thanks for the awesome post!

It is something that we do as well but it's always good to be reminded, especially when it gets tough. When you are feeling angry it can be SO hard to let that go and be loving. Thanks so much for reminding of the power of that.

[ladybugchild77]

What a wonderful post...I am sure my 2yo will benefit from your wisdom.:

[AlpineMama]

Ya'll will laugh but this works with my DH too! He is very argumentative and sensitive and when he gets going, he really rants. You can't reason with him at those times. But if you just start to "love flood" him his grown-up tantrums are totally diffused! I can totally see how it could work with a kidlet too.