LOVE FLOODING has been working for difficult times :) - Page 2

[Danaoc]

Hello lovely mamas,
OP here. I'm SO happy you found this helpful. It warms my heart to know other Mamas out there have been doing it too Just to follow up - this has continued to be amazing for us! We have so much fewer tantrums and battles after putting love flooding into practice. My mantra in the very moment is, "Flood or fight? Flood or fight?" It's not always an easy choice because sometimes my original thought is "I need to be right. I am the parent. He's challenging my authority." But you know what? It's not about that for me anymore. It's about guiding him and loving him and showing him how things can be done.

This is not to say I let my child walk all over me. But there are less battles when we work together. And it was a TRANSITION getting him used to this. I realized he had his own thing going on in his head - he had gotten used to putting up a fight. But now, he's understanding we can find solutions that work for both of us. He trusts me more to teach him because I'm not coming from a place of trying to control him.

I owe this work to Alfie Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. This transformed my default parenting style, which would have been to control my child with rewards, punishments, and unnatural consequences.

Now our house is filled with love. Every day parenting can be challenging, but I feel SO fortunate that I have been given this gift early when my relationship with my kids has a chance to be strong and unconditionally loving before they face the obstacles, judgments, and pressures in the real world.
Love to you all!

[Adele_Mommy]

Thank you for posting this wonderful, inspiring message! We use GD and I try to make sure I say and show my dd my unconditional love for her frequently, but I have not tried "love flooding" and it sounds great. I will have to check out the Unconditional Parenting book as well.

[spirit4ever]

Thank you for this post, I really appreciated it I really haven't done love flooding, but I'm definately going to try!!!!!

[texmati]

Originally Posted by truemists

Ya'll will laugh but this works with my DH too! He is very argumentative and sensitive and when he gets going, he really rants. You can't reason with him at those times. But if you just start to "love flood" him his grown-up tantrums are totally diffused! I can totally see how it could work with a kidlet too.

ITA! I don't have any kids, but the first thing I thought is that this works with my husband too when he's cranky!

[cheygirl]

Originally Posted by aquarian

ITA! I don't have any kids, but the first thing I thought is that this works with my husband too when he's cranky!

yep...my first experience with 'love flooding' was when DH did it with me!! And it does work....usually !

[MidgeMommy]

Originally Posted by truemists

Ya'll will laugh but this works with my DH too! He is very argumentative and sensitive and when he gets going, he really rants. You can't reason with him at those times. But if you just start to "love flood" him his grown-up tantrums are totally diffused! I can totally see how it could work with a kidlet too.

You might be on to something...now I just have to be mature enough (and remember to keep my cool) to try it...


Wish me luck. :

[mariamaroo]

I would LOVE to hear more about specifically how you mamas are doing this at *those* moments when all heck is breaking loose!

I too have done the "I love you when…" game (unfortunately usually in the days after I lose my cool), and I make it a point to frequently tell dd "I love you a lot – all the time", but as someone who didn't learn to express love very comfortably as a kid myself, I'd love some concrete examples of what y'all are doing and saying. Sometimes when I repeat "I love you" it starts to feel insipid and I think she starts to get bored with it instead of nourished.

[Danaoc]

Excellent points Mariamaroo!
I was just reading in Unconditional Parenting yesterday (my 4th time re-reading it and I can't recommend it enough) that the message "I love you" has to be as much through action as through the words itself. Kids can pick up on our comfort with it and they also can question it if our actions don't follow it.

In those moments of confrontation, it is so difficult. The following works for me:
1. He wants to do one thing. I need him to do another. I say, "What else can we figure out?" I work with him to find something that works for both of us.

2. He cries over something I've done. As silly/crazy it may seem, I let him know "I get it. You wanted this instead. What can we do here?"

3. He does something that doesn't work for me. I let him know exactly that. "Honey, throwing that in the house doesn't work for me. I need our environment to be safe. Can you throw this ball outside?"

4. And if I do get to a point where he's pushed me too far because hey, I'm human. It happens. I let him see it. I calm myself down as much as I can. I'll take a break and let him know, "I need to take a quick break right now." And run to the bathroom to breathe Then I make amends. I explain. "I was really upset when that happened. I see that you felt mad at 'whatever.' It's okay to feel that. It's okay for me to feel upset too. I'm sorry we fought. I love you no matter what. Do you want to tell me what you saw or felt?"

I find if I do the first 3 as much as possible, I end up needing to do the last one the least.
HTH

[robinkate]

I've been trying this with my daughter and she loves it. We call it the "I love you" game. The problem is, she wants me to keep going and going and thinking of more times that I love her, and after a while I run out of ideas and energy (but not love, of course). How do you end the game? Do you just keep going until DC is tired of it?

[Danaoc]

Wow, how sweet Robinkate! I've never had that experience of my son wanting me to go on and on. I usually end the game with "No matter what, no matter what I always, always love you." At which point he says, "Do it again!" So we do it all over again and I repeat some of the same things.

I wonder if you could ask your dd for her input? Like, "I love you when...what?"
I did that with my son once and he said something that might have been on his mind. He said, "when I broke my train" and I didn't even remember that happening. So I replied, "Yes of course, I love you when you break your train." And it felt great because I thought that maybe he had that on his mind.

[P-chan]

Here's our variation (works for my 4-year-old):

Me: I love you....as blue as the sky!
Him: I love you....as huge as the universe!
Me: I love you...as sour as a lemon!
Him: I love you....as stinky as POOP!
Etc. etc.

We'll often play in the car and the game just ends when we get to our destination. Sometimes I'll feed him unusual adjectives if he gets stuck.

My favorite one has been: "Mama, I love you as happy as a rose."

[mariamaroo]

Thanks for the descriptions, Danaoc. I should read Playful Parenting again – I am not very good at being goofball, and sometimes I feel that I just don't have it in me at that moment; maybe a re-read of that book would help.

Sometimes dd (almost 4) says 'no you don't' when I say I love her. I'm never sure whether this is verbalizing a fear of hers, or simply 3-year old contrariness or what. It freaks me out some.

The book "Guess How Much I Love You" was one of my inspirations for the 'I love you when…' game; Robinkate maybe you could read that with your daughter to help her get the idea of back and forth with you so you don't run out of ideas or energy before she does.

Right now I'm attempting to maintain my cool and loving feelings towards dd despite the fact that she will not go to sleep! And it's nearly 11pm!!! Wish me luck!

[becoming]

This is a great idea, mama. I'm going to put this into action with my kids the next time we're having a rough time (probably today! ).