Disapproving older people

[blessed]

What's the deal?

We were walking down the sidewalk on a nice summer evening last night and dd ran in front and asked if I'd pick her up. She's 3.5 yo, but still only 28 lbs, and when we are on long walks she generally gets tired the way small children do. They don't have the stamina of an adult, of course.

So I pick her up and carry her which, to be honest, I enjoy. I like having her up with our faces close together. We can talk easily and it's intimate and affectionate. I've never used a stroller or carrier of any kind, but have always just carried her in my arms.

An older couple sitting there looked at us as we walked by and the man started saying to dd "Get down and walk now! You're too old to be carried around like a little baby! Your mommy shouldn't have to carry you!" :

Dd just looked at me with her eyes all wide, wondering if she was doing something wrong. I snuggled her and casually said "Oh no! Are you kidding? I love carrying my little girl! I want to be as close to her as I can get."

I've also had older people tell dd not to climb something (when I'd already told her it was okay), and to not interrupt when she was trying to tell me something.

I can't figure out whether people - as they grow older - just start to naturally believe they know best about raising kids and so think they have the obligation to offer their opinions to total strangers? Or whether it's some kind of generational thing in which that post WWII era crowd were raised with concept that everybody in society is obligated to discipline children in public, whether you know the kids or not.

Anyway, I just brush it off and don't pay too much attention. But it's interesting to me.

[thismama]

Dunno.

We had an encounter with a nun in a religious second hand shop this week. I found a dress for my daughter, but she didn't like it, and the nun went on and on about how could we let her be so stubborn

Different generation.

[MilkTrance]

Goodness.

I had to comment on this thread because my friend has 3 under 5 and she gets comments ALL THE TIME. It doesn't help she looks younger than she is -- you know, because younger women should be criticized for everything, they must appreciate it. I don't know how she deals with it.

[graymom]

I wonder what that couple would of thought if they ever saw me carrying
my 45 lb 3yo.?

[lolar2]

Goodness.... I think I might have burst into fake tears and started on a long story about how we hoped someday she would be able to walk again, and her wheelchair had broken, but she was so brave. Although I suppose that's not a very good example for a kid.

[Fuamami]

OP, are you really young?

I'm not, and people have made maybe two comments like that since I've become a parent. Thought it might be where I live, which is a place where people know how to mind their own business!

[blessed]

Actually I'm not. But people always seem to think I'm about 10 years younger than I really am. Probably because I'm petite and wear pony tails when I'm just out and about.

I could see someone in their 70s or 80s thinking I looked pretty young.

[hippiemum21580]

Originally Posted by MilkTrance

Goodness.

I had to comment on this thread because my friend has 3 under 5 and she gets comments ALL THE TIME. It doesn't help she looks younger than she is -- you know, because younger women should be criticized for everything, they must appreciate it. I don't know how she deals with it.

nak
i deal with this constantly. i am 27 and have 4 boys ages spanning from 6 to newborn but i look about 20 years old at the most. i am always getting looks and often outright comments. i have even had an elderly lady tsk at me with a sad face and say STRAIGHT TO ME "babies having babies...i was just saying how sad it is to my friend." i smiled politly and informed her "oh, i am 25" (i was at the time) and she just looked at me like i was lying and walked away. grrr. i wanted to throw my shoe at her but i do not promote violence, esp towards the elderly....
i guess it really shouldn't bother me but it does. esp now my dh and i are seperated so i dont even have a wedding ring to wear. and when i am out with the babysitting charges plus my own (ages 4 months,3 yrs and 7 yrs) i can just imagine the thoughts.........

[mammal_mama]

I find that even some younger people make comments like the one made to the op, as if they think they're helping me. I find it rather annoying, and think you're pretty sweet to view it as "interesting."

I'm definitely not young, but I'm pretty child-led in my parenting. Meaning, if I see my child climbing or doing something that departs from the "usual," I'll ask myself if there's any reason why I should encourage her to stop or redirect her to something else.

Most of the time, I find there's really no reason, other than that it's not "usual," and maybe I was used to being stopped from behavior like that when I was a kid, so it feels "natural" to just rush in and stop my child. I'm learning, more and more, to restrain myself and just wait and see if what my child is doing is really a problem.

Maybe other people see my "wait and see" approach as an indication that I'm "not sure of myself as a parent." Some people think you need to be decisive, make snap judgments about what your kids can and can't do, and make them bend to your will. There doesn't have to be a "reason" why they have to quit digging in the mud: "I'm the mommy and that's all the reason you need."

I'm becoming increasingly decisive about my children having a right to explore the world freely, as long as no one's being harmed. So sometimes I have to speak up (as you did with that couple) and let people know that it's fine with me if my toddler wants to chew on a stick, for instance.

People think they're being helpful by rushing up and saying, "No, no!" to our kids. I think they're being annoying. But of course, I'd want someone to grab my child if she broke away from me and was standing in the path of a speeding semi, and that person was in a position to save my child and I wasn't.

I guess we all just have different thresholds for what causes us alarm or concern. I'd be alarmed if your child was about to get run over by a truck, but not if she was getting her wish to be carried. But some people think it's very, very dangerous for children to get what they want, and they want to save our kids from a life of self-indulgence. Whatever.

[LynnS6]

: That's crazy!

I've never had anyone say anything to my kids. Dd is closing in on 3 1/2 (and is a hefty 35 lbs), and is carried quite often. It's getting hard for me to do it for long distances, but I'll do it for short ones. We took a hike yesterday and she rode about 1/2 the way on dh's shoulders (poor guy).

Actually the only time I've had anyone say anything is when our 6 year old was getting the stroller for his little sister (sometimes she likes to ride in it) - he is tall for his age, and someone looked at him and said "he's too big for that!" -- and they're right! He loves to push the stroller!

I wonder if it's regional? I just can't imagine anyone around here thinking it's OK to address a child like that!

[blessed]

I think it is a bit regional, actually. We just moved to the western US from the midwest and attitudes about children seem very different here. Much more like 'control your child' rather than the 'oh isn't that cute' that we're used to.

Last night we were at an outdoor restaurant and dd started making up this adorable song about 'mama loves me and I love mama and we are a family...' Dh and I were just beaming because she was so cute, but when I looked up, instead of happy smiles people were glaring at us . Really, she was singing in a conversational level voice, not loud or disruptive. It surprised both of us quite a bit. I know back in our old hometown people would have just been watching with delight.

ETA: I see you're in the western US too, so maybe it's more particular to our small town than the region of the country.

[gsmommy]

This drives me crazy! I just had this happen to me the other day. Dd and I were in Target and she was riding in the big part of the cart, which she prefers most of the time. As we were getting ready to go check out dd decided she wanted to stand in the cart. I really don't have a problem with this as long as she holds on the the sides for extra balance.

When she got to the checkout, the cashier asked my daughter to sit down and then proceeded to inform me that she had witnessed two children fall out of their carts on the floor. Amazingly, dd actually did sit, usually she starts to cry when a stranger corrects her. Anyway, of course, I don't want my daughter to get hurt but I'M THE MOM! If she got hurt, I would feel horrible, but I don't think it would be anything life threatening, after all she is over 3.

I think what irritates me the most is that I had made a conscience choice to let her stand and I don't like it when strangers question my judgement.

FWIW, I am in the midwest, but a big city (Chicago) so who knows about those small town theories.

[bettysmom]

Originally Posted by gsmommy

When she got to the checkout, the cashier asked my daughter to sit down and then proceeded to inform me that she had witnessed two children fall out of their carts on the floor. Amazingly, dd actually did sit, usually she starts to cry when a stranger corrects her. Anyway, of course, I don't want my daughter to get hurt but I'M THE MOM! If she got hurt, I would feel horrible, but I don't think it would be anything life threatening, after all she is over 3.

To play devil's advocate ... In this situation, you are using the store's property in a manner that goes against the safety label that most carts have, and stores are very leery of lawsuits or bad publicity because of accidents. You know what your child is capable of, understands, etc., but the store can't know this about every child that comes in. IMO, the cashier was acting as a store employee trying to prevent an accident, not as a random stranger commenting on your parenting. I'm sure it was embarrassing to be reprimanded in this way, but personally, I think the cashier was within her rights to say something.

[kkeris]

I get this ALOT and really wish these people would not be so rude (to my DD by saying stuff like that)! My DD is nearly 3 too, and she is a slightly bigger than most kids her age and will also asked to be carried when she is tired or just simply to get close. And I love carrying her and being so close to her So many times we have encountered much older folks shaking their heads at her and telling her that she doesnt need to be carried cause she is so big. I always tell them "oh really? Who says? you? sorry but you are wrong. *insert smile*" and turn to me DD and tell her "its not true at all, we love to be close, dont we?" and we walk right off.

[airmide_m]

I'm still TTC and dreading the comments people will make. I think I look too approachable or something, people are always trying to talk to me and I rarely want them to. :

When I was little I got carried a lot, and a ton of people made comments about it to my mother and told me I was too big to be carried and stuff like that. And I had friends who were somewhere from a little to a lot younger than me and was always getting told not to carry them too. Of course I plan to carry my kids as much as I can! (which is part of why I'm going to the gym more often to prepare )

[swampangel]

I still carry my 4 1/2 yo quite often...I love it. When I was pregnant with my youngest, I was on modified bedrest and couldn't carry my oldest and it was heartbreaking for me. I want to carry him and hold him as long as I possibly can.

I have very fond memories of my father carrying me when I was 5yo. I think it's a way to be close and connected physically. If it isn't hurting the parent, I think it's wonderful.

My MIL has many opinions about what I do. I'm really working on just letting it roll. When it comes to parenting, everyone has an opinion and gets triggered when they see things that provoke their anxiety (for whatever reasons). I think it's a just part of the human condition. I try to focus on the challenge of dealing with my own reactions to it.

[nascarbebe]

I live right smack in the midwest and there have been quite a few times where people have made comments to me. Just the other day DS, who had just turned 2. was standing in our booth at a restaurant and some older farmer came up to DH and DS while I was getting something and asked DH what he was going to do when DS fell down and broke his leg. DH just said, "take him to the hospital." The man shook his head and left.

We're in our early 30s and older people around here treat us like we don't know a thing about parenting.

[ThreeBeans]

Originally Posted by bettysmom

To play devil's advocate ... In this situation, you are using the store's property in a manner that goes against the safety label that most carts have, and stores are very leery of lawsuits or bad publicity because of accidents. You know what your child is capable of, understands, etc., but the store can't know this about every child that comes in. IMO, the cashier was acting as a store employee trying to prevent an accident, not as a random stranger commenting on your parenting. I'm sure it was embarrassing to be reprimanded in this way, but personally, I think the cashier was within her rights to say something.

:

[rmzbm]

I'll never understand why people feel the need to butt in. What's it to you if I hold my kid? : They just wanna appear "smart" - and, really, if they feel that NEED, it's likely cuz they know they aren't.

[mammal_mama]

Come to think of it, my elderly aunt and uncle help out in their niece's restaurant, and the last time I saw them they were expressing great angst about the way "parents these days just let their kids order whatever they want."

When my aunt or uncle take the order, if they know the kids are ordering way more than they can eat, they'll speak up and suggest that the parents just get half-orders, so it will cost less and there won't be so much food wasted. It makes them mad that many parents just decide to order the whole thing anyway, and say they don't mind paying for it even if it just gets thrown out.

While I'd probably get the half orders myself (less cost and all that) -- it beats me why my aunt and uncle'd care, since full orders mean more money for the restaurant. I guess it's just something about the depression era they grew up in.